Hi, Im new but have lurked a while

[Jadenlaughs]

I started google-ing "getting over someone" and the like and found myself on these forums months ago. I pop in and read when Im feeling weak and need someone to say STOP IT!!. While no one as yet was talking directly to me, it has helped now and again to read similar stories and see others saying 'stop, get out, hes not worth it, etc' because I know its what I need to hear.

 

I dont want to be crazy long on my first post so I'll try to be concise. I was married about 10 years when I met someone online. At first just basic chat, then fast fwd to intimate chat and a "real" bond. We 'knew' each other for 2 or 3 years when I finally said this is messing up my head too much I need to stop- and told him to go away. He did with much respect and understanding- or so I thought.

10 years go by and he emails out of the blue- wanting to 'catch up' and just see how one another are doing. It took me 5 days to decide and off we went once I emailed him- right back to 'that place' like 10 years havent passed. I am still married and now he is married 5 years. He lives overseas - a 9 hour time difference.

My marriage (which is a whole other post) isnt all I want- in fact Id love to leave right now, today- except I make $10/hr, have zero savings, no support structure, no savings an 11 year old car, no prospects for better work and no where to go. But I stay and I try to make the best of it- husband knows all this and is happy to keep me anyway. So I take up with online guy again and enjoy his company.

 

In trying to keep this short- whether my marriage is a fail or a go- I know this is an unhealthy situation I am in. He leaves me hanging constantly- always working too much and of course- he cant talk from home. He travels frequently and is always unable to communicate on travel. He has a million excuses to keep our contact brief. We started back up in January and every few months since April I have told him I think we've ran our course, lets just quit it. He then comes at me with long emails about our 'connection' and how deep it goes. He says my expectations are too high (really I have none, I dont want to meet or start a physical affair). He has talked me into staying each time, promising he will try harder and that we both need this.

 

Id say I dont need this. Logically I know I dont. But I am so hooked. Its not love, not in any sense. I know its a lame attempt to fill a big hole he has no business filling. Today I deleted my email that he uses to contact me. I dont know his email address by heart (believe it or not) so I cant email him or contact him any other way. He however has my main email. He wrote today, and I wrote back, (to the box that now no longer exists) then in a moment of strength I just deleted it all. If he tries to write tomorrow he'll see that mail box is gone. I have no idea if he'll write the other email box right away or later or never.

 

Bottom line- go ahead loveshack- beat me up- tell me Im so stupid over something that was ever only online. Just please dont suggest marriage counseling- been there, done that and over it really. I do love and respect myself even if this post doesnt set that tone. In spite of having a crap job, and being too dependent on a husband I dont believe I love- I do believe I have a lot of life left to live and want to, happily. I know I need to ditch the silly online thing and then focus on how to get out of this marriage and maybe even the state.

 

Im lost and have no idea if finally posting was a right step in a right direction or just more spinning my wheels and going no where. The last 8 months with the online guy has been spinning wheels til they fall off and still waiting for the scenery to change as if we are moving forward. Forward to what? Ive already blow the whole 'try to be concise thing ' so I'll explain more in other posts if it flows that way.

 

Thanks for reading if you are still there,

Jade

[Robert]

moderator bump; post was auto-moderated and stuck in the queue ~6

[jah526]

Hi Jade,

 

I am new here too. I believe I got some good advice on my first post, although my situation is different from yours. No contact, and consciously choose a healthier option.

 

I was in an overseas online relationship too a long time ago. It has an addictive quality to it, I think. I used to use a chat program and the online marker next to his name was like the light at Krispy Kreme saying the donuts are ready.

 

It's interesting that he's the one saying you both need this. Don't trust that others know what is best for you - I am struggling with this myself. I doubt that his wife of 5 years knows that he's doing this, so he's a cheater. Cheaters have bad character flaws, and are also liars. Best to get out, however you can, and try to deal with real life stuff. This is an escape, and not one that's good for you in the long run.

[Jadenlaughs]

Thanks for responding and having understanding to my situation. While not unique its not exactly common. You do describe it well.

 

I was hoping for a little more response to my first post so I do really appreciate someone answering. Unfortunately with each day that pass I just have all my questions- no answers.

 

I guess he and I are in some sort of weird limbo. No clue if he'll contact me by alternate means or will take the deletion of the old account a slap. Sure a slap is good and may start the road to healing- but not knowing kills me.

 

Thats the thing with this relationship (generous word for what it is). I never know whats going on with him until he decides to speak.

 

Thanks again for responding- Ive been reading more stories including yours and I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Lots of questions for us all- no answers huh?

[DKT3]

Thanks for responding and having understanding to my situation. While not unique its not exactly common. You do describe it well.

 

I was hoping for a little more response to my first post so I do really appreciate someone answering. Unfortunately with each day that pass I just have all my questions- no answers.

 

I guess he and I are in some sort of weird limbo. No clue if he'll contact me by alternate means or will take the deletion of the old account a slap. Sure a slap is good and may start the road to healing- but not knowing kills me.

 

Thats the thing with this relationship (generous word for what it is). I never know whats going on with him until he decides to speak.

 

Thanks again for responding- Ive been reading more stories including yours and I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Lots of questions for us all- no answers huh?

 

The answers are obvious and simple only made complicated by the fact that people in these situations just don't want to do them. No need for any long post just stop

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks for responding and having understanding to my situation. While not unique its not exactly common. You do describe it well.

 

I was hoping for a little more response to my first post so I do really appreciate someone answering. Unfortunately with each day that pass I just have all my questions- no answers.

 

I guess he and I are in some sort of weird limbo. No clue if he'll contact me by alternate means or will take the deletion of the old account a slap. Sure a slap is good and may start the road to healing- but not knowing kills me.

 

Thats the thing with this relationship (generous word for what it is). I never know whats going on with him until he decides to speak.

 

Thanks again for responding- Ive been reading more stories including yours and I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Lots of questions for us all- no answers huh?

 

Posting here is a good first step, yes. You can delete all the email addresses and social media you want but breaking the connection starts in your head.

 

People here post a lot, it's just that there are so many people who come here, post their story and never come back, so those of us like myself, I guess we wait till we know the person's story a bit better to see if they will stick around.

 

Run on sentence. Sorry. Keep posting.

[Maddieandtae]

Jayden by deleting your one means of communicating you have made a positive step, why not go further and block him from any other forms of communication? The hole within yourself won't "fill up" by anyone else but yourself, I know this myself from my own experiences. You need to find ways to fill up with healthy behaviours and ways of being able to discuss what has brought you to an unhealthy online communication.

[jah526]

I guess he and I are in some sort of weird limbo. No clue if he'll contact me by alternate means or will take the deletion of the old account a slap. Sure a slap is good and may start the road to healing- but not knowing kills me.

Here's the thing that keeps us hooked, I think. We are overly concerned about what the other person thinks and feels. We are decent, generous, kind people. We care. We expect to be treated the same. But look at what he's doing - trying to keep you hooked at all costs, even when you've tried to get away. Ask yourself if that's someone who really has your best interests at heart. And if the answer is no, then why do care so much what he thinks?

 

I'm trying to do this like AA recommends - one day at a time. Each day that passes that I've made healthy choices for myself is a good day.

[Jadenlaughs]

Posting here is a good first step, yes. You can delete all the email addresses and social media you want but breaking the connection starts in your head.

 

People here post a lot, it's just that there are so many people who come here, post their story and never come back, so those of us like myself, I guess we wait till we know the person's story a bit better to see if they will stick around.

 

Run on sentence. Sorry. Keep posting.

 

Hi, and thanks for the responding. I understand - have been around my share of message boards and know many stay, many more dont.

 

I like what you said about breaking the connection starts in your head. I know this- this whole thing goes on in my head (being online for the most part) -- but thats the hard part- how to get him out of my head for good. Or if he has to stay there for a while longer- to not miss what was good, see the bad and want to get rid of it for good since bad out weighs the good lately by a lot.

 

We'll call it a goal for now- because I sure am not being successful at cutting him off- for real or in my head.

[Jadenlaughs]

Jayden by deleting your one means of communicating you have made a positive step, why not go further and block him from any other forms of communication? The hole within yourself won't "fill up" by anyone else but yourself, I know this myself from my own experiences. You need to find ways to fill up with healthy behaviours and ways of being able to discuss what has brought you to an unhealthy online communication.

 

Yes to a large extent I agree. I know my crap marriage is most of my problem. I thought a little "light " that my 'friend' brings would be a boost in my day- not the headache that its turned into. When I knew him 10 years ago he was way more care free. These days hes moody and aloof - so little 'light' - more of a struggle to know him then it once was and honestly- not worth my head feeling like crap all the time. When you wrote why not totally block him, I thought.. "yea why didnt I .." but then again I still havent. Also- he hasnt written.

[freengreen]

It wont be long.. YOU will want to run the opposite direction. But, if you dont want to wait. Try cutting him off..., it will be like a dagger in your stomach once off but beleive me its better than LIVING with a dagger in your gut.

 

You wont know the fruition if you dont go through the journey. So worth it.Do it.Move towards it. I am. Nope not easy at all. But my line is " I dont care if I move forward like a snail with asthama but hell no, I aint going back'.

Goodluck to him with his life. I am outta it. Soon I am going to look in the mirror and say "she is back, lets have some wine"

[eye of the storm]

I have to agree with DKT3. Years ago, I took a Financial Peace course. Dave Ramsey said, you already know 80% of what I am telling you to do. But you aren't doing it. You know what to do. You know. But you also know it is going to be hard and you don't want to do it so....you stall out.

 

Not throwing stones. Been there, done that and have a closet full of t-shirts because if it.

 

Sit down with pen and paper. What do you want to fix, how can you fix it.

 

Crap job - how can you get another one? education? resume? networking? certifications? Then start working on the path that will get you a better job.

 

Depending on H - how can you become self sufficient? better job, second job, third job, saving money, cutting expenses, decreasing lifestyle expectations? Then work on putting this into motion. You can work on your crappy 11yo car, buy a book and find the local "pick and pull".

 

Moving out of state - figure out where you want to go and then move. There are some states that have low unemployment and low cost of living but people don't want to move there because it isn't "fun".

 

No support structure - You are your support structure.

 

Look, I really have been there. Worked 4 jobs for awhile. I had to learn how to work on my own car because it was over 20 years old and held together with prayer. But I knew if I was going to get thru the crap, I was going to have to buckle down, make hard choices, eat a lot of ramin, take any work I could get, accept with grace when people brought "too much food for lunch and would I help them out", and keep moving forward.

 

I didn't choose to leave my M, but as hard as those first years were (on both me and the kids) it was still a blessing in disguise. My life is better and I am more comfortable in my own life than I ever was in my "nice house with my nice husband".

 

The appeal of the online romance is it is easy. No work involved.

 

If you want a better life, it is going to be a massive amount of work. So, grab a pen and paper and plot your path and brainstorm on how to get there. You can do this if you truly want to.

[Superchicken]

You know why you got in this position (Crappy marriage, etc).

I normally give an earful to cheaters, as I have little sympathy for these selfish people. However, I do hear both sides of the story first. So since I don't really know if what you say is true, I will make a comment based that it is..

The fact that you are caught up in an endless same everyday routine, and life wasting cycle, makes you vulnerable to any attention.

I think you may actually hope for it as well.

Now that you have it, it is hard to let go. I'm not too sure that its best to go "Cold turkey" on it. Its normally best to end it, but your life sucks lemons ALL day as it is now, so hmm.

If you don't have something to look forward to, you will go further into depression. The fact you cant get out of it, due to money problems (Place to live, food, etc) makes it hard to move on.

Maybe look at sharing a room ? or similar and make a clean break from your spouse to make yourself feel a little better and start from there.

Then you may see dawn's light for the first time after many dark nights of hell.

 

 

You should chat offline with Jay526, as both of you have a very similar situation, and both can provide the support you both need in a pinch.

Sorry but Superchicken doesn't fly that far to help people in distress.

Plus I think Trump likes Roast Chicken, so he may get a drone on my ass..

 

 

Hang in, keep your daily details going here on this post, and know there are some that want to help. If I can, I'll repost with more help..

 

 

Ted.

Edited November 19, 2016 by Superchicken

[Jadenlaughs]

You know why you got in this position (Crappy marriage, etc).

I normally give an earful to cheaters, as I have little sympathy for these selfish people. However, I do hear both sides of the story first. So since I don't really know if what you say is true, I will make a comment based that it is..

The fact that you are caught up in an endless same everyday routine, and life wasting cycle, makes you vulnerable to any attention.

I think you may actually hope for it as well.

Now that you have it, it is hard to let go. I'm not too sure that its best to go "Cold turkey" on it. Its normally best to end it, but your life sucks lemons ALL day as it is now, so hmm.

If you don't have something to look forward to, you will go further into depression. The fact you cant get out of it, due to money problems (Place to live, food, etc) makes it hard to move on.

Maybe look at sharing a room ? or similar and make a clean break from your spouse to make yourself feel a little better and start from there.

Then you may see dawn's light for the first time after many dark nights of hell.

 

 

You should chat offline with Jay526, as both of you have a very similar situation, and both can provide the support you both need in a pinch.

Sorry but Superchicken doesn't fly that far to help people in distress.

Plus I think Trump likes Roast Chicken, so he may get a drone on my ass..

 

 

Hang in, keep your daily details going here on this post, and know there are some that want to help. If I can, I'll repost with more help..

 

 

Ted.

 

Im not sure how alike our situations are- I'll have to go back and read. First off - her situation sounded somewhat abusive- forced oral??? And mine is strictly online and emotional- never have met IRL. However- if you compare in some other way - maybe I do need to go back and get my stories straight and see if I missed something. I welcome the opportunity to talk to anyone who understands even a little.

 

I'll say you are pretty spot on. Attention is nice- not the be all end of all of my life. I still put a lot of focus on my kids but as they are coming of age- I know that too is fading fast. They need me less and less each year.

 

I fear not working hard enough on the marriage- this far in do I not owe it to both of us to work harder? Is it giving up I wonder? Does anyone have a flaming hot exciting life after 25 years of marriage? Some will say yes- and I find myself questioning if they really know what exiting means any more.

 

I have thought of renting a room and that is my only choice Id guess. Rents for rooms only are around 600/mo in my area and I make about 1200 when I fight for hours. I am always job hunting for better. I am saving so when the right room comes up- maybe I book it and give that a go. We dont learn or change by standing still and I am stagnant as I am. I ask myself the big questions- am I ready to struggle, break my kids' hearts, have people asking questions that are none of their biz, ask for help if I need it, give up a good lifestyle for freedom. Am I? I dont know. When Im at my maddest- yes. When hes not driving me nuts and all is quiet and comfortable where I am- not so much.

 

The thing with the married man- has to go no matter what I do next. An affair in any sense will never happen again- I can see from a mile away how stupid it is and how it will never be good for anyone or anything. This is an old habit I broke 10 years ago. I figured it would be as it was then- both of us having fun in email and phone- never taking it to a higher level. We never discussed moving forward and felt we were on the same page. This go around hes different, Im still hooked but hes not worth it. My brain is broken in this regard. I already said you're very right. Its not the attention only though- far from it. I mourn what we had when it was good. But I need to mourn and move on, not mourn and hope for more.

[Superchicken]

Well, I've been married for 22 years, and about 6 weeks ago, I finally had enough with the same lonely and boring routines that I was also going through.

Had your regular arguments with the spouse, etc.. Like we all do, but this time I sat her down and had a 2 hour ultimatum speech with demands.

 

 

They were basically, no more getting angry at stupid small things (Both of us), spending more time together, and going out together (She's a hermit) to family gatherings, etc. Spend a little time and money on herself (Low esteem, and tight on money), and most of all I just needed my companion back. I wont go into the basics of all the issues, but, now, its a totally different atmosphere here.

She's spending money now (Jeez, made a mistake there ), she's looking better, and just being pleasant to be around with. It was a two may street, however, but I had the "Right of Way", as I was the one that felt left behind and forgotten in life.

To all the females reading this, YES, I also made changes that she wanted.

 

 

So, I ask you, maybe do the same. Sit him down, and say your piece..

 

 

I was going to leave my spouse (I also have two kids), but thought I need to at least try one more time again.. It worked, but will it last ?, time will tell. But if it doesn't, then I know I "Really", and read it again "Really" did try.

Maybe for you too ?.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[Jadenlaughs]

Just a quick update as really nothing much has changed but I always hope getting some of this out in the open has a healing affect over me, let me sort through some of the junk in my head.

 

 

Its been a month of NC- maybe a little more. He can contact me through an open source or 2- I could contact him as well. We stopped communicating for really no good reason. I deleted the mail box he normally writes to and I guess Im left to believe that was some sort of insult to "us" - and so he checked out- never to write again. I have wanted an out and while I didnt know deleting the email box would kick his ass in this way- apparently it did- he's all but disappeared. I could have written and asked why he hadnt tried harder to find me other ways- but I took the opportunity to also disappear.

 

A whole month and I cant stop thinking of him and wanting him back. I will not write him, but every day I hope he has written me. All I want is to finally feel over it.

 

As for my marriage- it bores me- its hardly perfect but leaving right now is not high on my to do list. Work harder on it- yea sure- lets do that yet again... Maybe one day. For now I stay in the holding pattern within the comfort zone.

 

Main goal right now- is to move on from constant thinking of the other guy- then maybe I could think straight about other stuff. How this emotional affair (for gods sake- wasnt even physical, so to me its even stupider how it has a hold on me) got so under my skin drives me insane. I have to find a way to stop the constant cycle of thoughts.

 

So no real update of improvement unless staying out of contact is some sort of success which I guess it is. I mean in 2 more months will I still be spinning my wheels hoping he contacts? I do keep imagining him reaching out and me explaining how much work its been for me to cut him out- so he needs to stay gone. I dont imagine just accepting whatever story he shows up with and accepting his return, erasing all this progress.

 

I know theres no magic timing to this all. He returned to my life in January. By May I wanted him gone, but it took til Nov for that to stick. 11 months - most which were terrible- why am I so stuck on what was, when it wasnt even all that good?

[freengreen]

EA s are wolf in sheeps clothing. They are as damaging as a PA but the blow is directly on the heart.

 

One day at a time, keep going. Although you feel that nothing is moving forward.. one day you will realise, it has.

Good luck

[Poppy47]

I have to agree with DKT3. Years ago, I took a Financial Peace course. Dave Ramsey said, you already know 80% of what I am telling you to do. But you aren't doing it. You know what to do. You know. But you also know it is going to be hard and you don't want to do it so....you stall out.

 

Not throwing stones. Been there, done that and have a closet full of t-shirts because if it.

 

Sit down with pen and paper. What do you want to fix, how can you fix it.

 

Crap job - how can you get another one? education? resume? networking? certifications? Then start working on the path that will get you a better job.

 

Depending on H - how can you become self sufficient? better job, second job, third job, saving money, cutting expenses, decreasing lifestyle expectations? Then work on putting this into motion. You can work on your crappy 11yo car, buy a book and find the local "pick and pull".

 

Moving out of state - figure out where you want to go and then move. There are some states that have low unemployment and low cost of living but people don't want to move there because it isn't "fun".

 

No support structure - You are your support structure.

 

Look, I really have been there. Worked 4 jobs for awhile. I had to learn how to work on my own car because it was over 20 years old and held together with prayer. But I knew if I was going to get thru the crap, I was going to have to buckle down, make hard choices, eat a lot of ramin, take any work I could get, accept with grace when people brought "too much food for lunch and would I help them out", and keep moving forward.

 

I didn't choose to leave my M, but as hard as those first years were (on both me and the kids) it was still a blessing in disguise. My life is better and I am more comfortable in my own life than I ever was in my "nice house with my nice husband".

 

The appeal of the online romance is it is easy. No work involved.

 

If you want a better life, it is going to be a massive amount of work. So, grab a pen and paper and plot your path and brainstorm on how to get there. You can do this if you truly want to.

 

Changing your own life is certainly the biggest project anyone can embark on.

 

I disagree that we can all be our own support structures. Some people are capable and others are not. It depends on the person and the circumstances.

 

To move forward from a marriage with no means of support, and no finances would certainly require some kind of assistance.

 

Poppy.