Chica80 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 So last week I think I finally reached my end point. Although PA has been over..I was still holding on. I foolishly thought oh we could still be friends.....nope that was a joke. So last week he was on vacation. I had text him during the day. And he text me back at midnight (3am my time)... I thought to myself WTF am I doing to myself. Here I sit around waiting for when you might deign to even give me a thought...seriously? This is so stupid. Since then I feel nothing. I've felt nothing. I almost managed to avoid him all day right up until the last minute as I was walking out the door...he said "what's up?" Shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing" I said. You? He said oh meetings...etc... Usually this would be the point where I would listen to all his projects, meetings and I would say you wrk to hard take better care of yourself... I said nothing. I felt nothing. Just kept going. I just don't care anymore. It's not my job to worry about you think about you. That's why you're married right? The one who cares less wins... . 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 So last week I think I finally reached my end point. Although PA has been over..I was still holding on. I foolishly thought oh we could still be friends.....nope that was a joke. So last week he was on vacation. I had text him during the day. And he text me back at midnight (3am my time)... I thought to myself WTF am I doing to myself. Here I sit around waiting for when you might deign to even give me a thought...seriously? This is so stupid. Since then I feel nothing. I've felt nothing. I almost managed to avoid him all day right up until the last minute as I was walking out the door...he said "what's up?" Shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing" I said. You? He said oh meetings...etc... Usually this would be the point where I would listen to all his projects, meetings and I would say you wrk to hard take better care of yourself... I said nothing. I felt nothing. Just kept going. I just don't care anymore. It's not my job to worry about you think about you. That's why you're married right? The one who cares less wins... . Nobody really wins in an affair Sunshine, but my my, you were awesome today! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Usually this would be the point where I would listen to all his projects, meetings and I would say you wrk to hard take better care of yourself... I said nothing. I felt nothing. Just kept going. I just don't care anymore. It's not my job to worry about you think about you. That's why you're married right? The one who cares less wins... . Yes. Of course no one here wins but you are right, not caring makes you feel better. I know what you mean because our whole relationship was really about me listening to his problems, worrying about him and his health. A sounding board. He actually had the nerve to ask me this summer to be his fitness coach again, knowing all that health and fitness stuff was how I got all sucked into it in the first place. You know what I said? "Join a gym with your wife. Get healthy together." No response. I actually do not have any conversation with him at this point, my choice. It protects me. I asked him to stop communicating with me and so far he has been respecting my wishes. I do not care about him or his problems anymore. Like you said, he has a wife. I have my own husband to take care of. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Yes. Of course no one here wins but you are right, not caring makes you feel better. I know what you mean because our whole relationship was really about me listening to his problems, worrying about him and his health. A sounding board. He actually had the nerve to ask me this summer to be his fitness coach again, knowing all that health and fitness stuff was how I got all sucked into it in the first place. You know what I said? "Join a gym with your wife. Get healthy together." No response. I actually do not have any conversation with him at this point, my choice. It protects me. I asked him to stop communicating with me and so far he has been respecting my wishes. I do not care about him or his problems anymore. Like you said, he has a wife. I have my own husband to take care of. Bravo to you too Midnight. Handled with aplomb! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted September 22, 2016 Author Share Posted September 22, 2016 Nobody really wins in an affair Sunshine, but my my, you were awesome today! You are so right. Affairs suck!!! It felt good to be strong. Stay strong (usually I would have gave in) at that crumb. I'm not a sad puppy anymore.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 You are so right. Affairs suck!!! It felt good to be strong. Stay strong (usually I would have gave in) at that crumb. I'm not a sad puppy anymore.... Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
rainbowsandkittens Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Good for you!! So happy for you and your strength! I had the exact same end point. Thought we could be "friends" but finally realized I was sitting around waiting like a teenage girl for a text from a man who a) was in a relationship and b) was treating me like crap. I'm an adult woman, I deserve better than that. I blocked him on everything that day. I wish I could get to indifference. Even though it's been a month or so, I still think about him all the time. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm still very hurt. I miss him. But I keep remembering the bad stuff and try to be realistic. But I also feel stuck. I'm doing everything I can to get over it but it plays over and over in my head. Hopefully your strength will rub off on me! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Good for you!! So happy for you and your strength! I had the exact same end point. Thought we could be "friends" but finally realized I was sitting around waiting like a teenage girl for a text from a man who a) was in a relationship and b) was treating me like crap. I'm an adult woman, I deserve better than that. I blocked him on everything that day. I wish I could get to indifference. Even though it's been a month or so, I still think about him all the time. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm still very hurt. I miss him. But I keep remembering the bad stuff and try to be realistic. But I also feel stuck. I'm doing everything I can to get over it but it plays over and over in my head. Hopefully your strength will rub off on me! It takes a long time to get to indifference. I still have that feeling, you know, like you were played and mad at him and mad at yourself? But I don't care about him anymore. I used to try to help him and he totally milked that. Now he could drop dead and I'm not sure I'd care. He's a rotten person. And I don't mean the A, I'm no hypocrite. But he's a liar, a cruel, mean little man. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 It takes a long time to get to indifference. I still have that feeling, you know, like you were played and mad at him and mad at yourself? But I don't care about him anymore. I used to try to help him and he totally milked that. Now he could drop dead and I'm not sure I'd care. He's a rotten person. And I don't mean the A, I'm no hypocrite. But he's a liar, a cruel, mean little man. Yes you are correct in that even anger is an emotion and that is not quite indifference yet. Indifference never changes it is a constant feeling of 'meh' for the person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Yes you are correct in that even anger is an emotion and that is not quite indifference yet. Indifference never changes it is a constant feeling of 'meh' for the person. I'm not sure I will ever get there. That is why I asked him to completely not talk to me at all. Even a hello fires up my blood. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 22, 2016 Share Posted September 22, 2016 Yes you are correct in that even anger is an emotion and that is not quite indifference yet. Indifference never changes it is a constant feeling of 'meh' for the person. It's hard because I feel like he got away with it all. No consequences. Lies upon lies to BS and to myself and yet he dances on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 Good for you!! So happy for you and your strength! I had the exact same end point. Thought we could be "friends" but finally realized I was sitting around waiting like a teenage girl for a text from a man who a) was in a relationship and b) was treating me like crap. I'm an adult woman, I deserve better than that. I blocked him on everything that day. I wish I could get to indifference. Even though it's been a month or so, I still think about him all the time. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm still very hurt. I miss him. But I keep remembering the bad stuff and try to be ]realistic. But I also feel stuck. I'm doing everything I can to get over it but it plays over and over in my head. Hopefully your strength will rub off on me! Oh I know this feeling....very well. But even in that I felt like I was still giving him power and space in my head. The A was never about him. It was about me. My issues what I was missing what I need to heal. I won't say it could have been anyone, because it couldn't. There is something that's broken inside me that needs to be healed. There is something that's in him that draws us together. And maybe the indifference is just another bandaid right now over open wounds, but its time for major wound care to be done. He can't do it. Rainbow you will get there...you need time, inner strength and self love. Awesome on NC!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 It's hard because I feel like he got away with it all. No consequences. Lies upon lies to BS and to myself and yet he dances on. I struggle with this too, BUT if he has any shred of decency then he has created his own hell for himself, due to guilt that he must now live with indefinitely. If he feels no guilt, then he's just some kind of psychopath - in which case his life is also certainly nothing to be jealous of. At least your emotional suffering and guilt show that you are human and have a heart. I think in the long run, it's better to feel everything than nothing at all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 I'm not sure I will ever get there. That is why I asked him to completely not talk to me at all. Even a hello fires up my blood. You will believe it or not I felt the same exact way about my xOM and he is not even a blip on my radar anymore! I'm 8 years out from my A though a long time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted September 23, 2016 Author Share Posted September 23, 2016 I struggle with this too, BUT if he has any shred of decency then he has created his own hell for himself, due to guilt that he must now live with indefinitely. If he feels no guilt, then he's just some kind of psychopath - in which case his life is also certainly nothing to be jealous of. At least your emotional suffering and guilt show that you are human and have a heart. I think in the long run, it's better to feel everything than nothing at all. So true Lemon! Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 I struggle with this too, BUT if he has any shred of decency then he has created his own hell for himself, due to guilt that he must now live with indefinitely. If he feels no guilt, then he's just some kind of psychopath - in which case his life is also certainly nothing to be jealous of. At least your emotional suffering and guilt show that you are human and have a heart. I think in the long run, it's better to feel everything than nothing at all. I believe he is a sociopath. Not like, drowning kittens sociopath, but he truly has no conscience or ability to recognize and empathize with other people's feelings or emotions. One could make the argument that I got what I deserved, and maybe you would be right, but the whole lying to his wife in MC and finally having sex with her purposely to lead her into a false state of security and let her guard down - and telling me all this, so matter-of-factly as why it's okay for us to talk again, I think that's pretty cold. Of course the next question begs - why would I even be interested in someone like that? I've done so much thinking about this because he showed me these tendencies in the beginning. All I can think is that people with sociopathetic tendencies - they can be so charming. You never see it coming. So far he has been good and kept away. From what I have read about people like this it's probably because I am too dramatic and the situation way too high risk. Most likely he has moved on to someone else. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whatever29 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 It's hard because I feel like he got away with it all. No consequences. Lies upon lies to BS and to myself and yet he dances on. I think that is the hardest part. On the surface it looks like he just got away with it. Lied to everyone then he had the nerve to say he never lied to me. Well then you're a coward who won't leave then. Deep inside he is a broken person. They are emotional vampires who will suck you dry. Inside they are empty. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 I think that in some situations it's ok to never get to indifference. If you can get there, that's ideal, but sometimes when someone has hurt you so very much, it may not be possible. I have one ex from 7 years ago who I think would still make me angry if I ran into him on the street. He was a pathological liar and manipulator and so very broken, and the end of the relationship really broke me for a while. It's not as though I dwell on him now, but if I were to see him, I would not be able to feel indifferent. And for good reason. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 I think that is the hardest part. On the surface it looks like he just got away with it. Lied to everyone then he had the nerve to say he never lied to me. Well then you're a coward who won't leave then. Deep inside he is a broken person. They are emotional vampires who will suck you dry. Inside they are empty. Some WS's have a void so deep no one can fill it. Usually when there is no blood left to suck they will move on to their next victim. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 I think that is the hardest part. On the surface it looks like he just got away with it. Lied to everyone then he had the nerve to say he never lied to me. Well then you're a coward who won't leave then. Deep inside he is a broken person. They are emotional vampires who will suck you dry. Inside they are empty. I used to feel as though xMM was suffocating me. He was so emotionally demanding, constantly texting and wanting to be in contact every moment. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted September 28, 2016 Share Posted September 28, 2016 I think that is the hardest part. On the surface it looks like he just got away with it. Lied to everyone then he had the nerve to say he never lied to me. Well then you're a coward who won't leave then. Deep inside he is a broken person. They are emotional vampires who will suck you dry. Inside they are empty. You never know when karma will come around. Actions will eventually have consequences, even if it takes a while, even if we arent witness to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 It's hard because I feel like he got away with it all. No consequences. Lies upon lies to BS and to myself and yet he dances on. That is how I feel right now too. Along with shattered and heart broken. I don't know what to do to get to true indifference. I thought I was almost there about a month ago, but then he hooked me again saying how much he misses me and how full of regret he was because he let me go. And now I have been discarded again. Is this a MM pattern? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 That is how I feel right now too. Along with shattered and heart broken. I don't know what to do to get to true indifference. I thought I was almost there about a month ago, but then he hooked me again saying how much he misses me and how full of regret he was because he let me go. And now I have been discarded again. Is this a MM pattern? Yes...the ups and downs the off and on. Who cares about what he wants. What do you want? What do you want for your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spideywoman Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Sunshine _ I am catching up on your journey, post by post. I so long to reach indifference, as you have done. I know one day I will. (Another wise person said indifference does not fit every scenario _ true. I remember the jerk of a boyfriend I had years ago. I never think of him but if I ran into him on the street I'd want to punch him and pull his hair or something ) Anyway, I digress. How are you feeling today? Any more run-ins with the exMM and if so, how do you feel? (Still no PMing for me. Sigh.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chica80 Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 Sunshine _ I am catching up on your journey, post by post. I so long to reach indifference, as you have done. I know one day I will. (Another wise person said indifference does not fit every scenario _ true. I remember the jerk of a boyfriend I had years ago. I never think of him but if I ran into him on the street I'd want to punch him and pull his hair or something ) Anyway, I digress. How are you feeling today? Any more run-ins with the exMM and if so, how do you feel? (Still no PMing for me. Sigh.) Hi Spidey. I'm sorry to dissapoint. I am back in it...I post in a different thread that's a bit more "open". It hasn't been PA. But very much EA...which is almost worst. That's been the hardest to let go of. We work together. So not seeing eachother is not possible..That's why I can relate to some of what you said. Link to post Share on other sites
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