Numb .. describes this OW [3 month update]

[Labfx]

First time poster, but a very long time lurker.

 

Been involved in an EA/PA with a MM for 8.5 yrs. This is a person that I was involved with for 6-8mo of time 15yrs prior to the start of this EA/PA. Let's just say we were both the person who "got away" from one another as we both have always felt we were the right person for each.

 

MM and I are both 50yrs old. He has kids 21 and almost 18yrs, and I have none. Obviously he is married (21yrs), and I am divorced the last 9+yrs.

 

For the last 8+yrs we've had an intense EA. Lots of calls and texts. Lots of sharing of very detailed information with one another. Oddly, I think I know him better than the man I was married to at one point in my life. Our conversations were at all hours of the day and week. Nothing really hidden about it. Somehow his wife was oblivious to what was going on all these years. I guess it shouldn't be to surprising since MM told me they have slept in separate rooms starting 13yrs ago. There was always talk of him not being happily married and wanting out of marriage, etc. but kids were younger and we all know how that goes in most situations. Now the kids are 21 and almost 18.

 

The EA escalated to a PA back in December. We have spent many weekends together. He travelled great distances to see me. We had great dates. Intimacy has been the best ever for me and for him from what he wrote to me in a letter and shared with me in conversations. I remember clearly the moment he told me that he loved me. I knew the "I love you" was coming at some point and I was very happy to hear it. He said it first. We told each other we loved one another all the time when we spoke and saw each other. We talked about future, and most of this was initiated by him. We talked about retirement, etc. I wouldn't exactly call it future faking because our conversations weren't general in the least.

 

In the midst of this now PA, his BS found out about us. She just happened to stumble upon his unsecure cell and read one of my "love ya" texts. This turned into her impersonating him and contacting me on D-Day via text. It took me about 7txts to realize it was her. After D-Day it took him 2 days to contact me. He did and still insisted he wanted to be with me just as we had talked about for such a long time.

 

MM filed for divorce, packed his belongings, quit his job (had interviews lined up here), and moved 550 miles here to be with me. His kids didn't take to well to him moving here. Told him he was as good as dead to them. Didnt' want to talk to him. The BS was giving him grief as well. I gave him space to handle conversations with the kids, etc. After the calls, we talked about how he planned to handle the kids, etc. I was supportive but didn't overstep.

 

Next thing I know, 3 days after moving in he is moving the 550 miles back home. Says, can't hurt his kids this bad and tells me don't contact him. His BS contacts me via IM and says he burned the divorce papers which were filed less than 30days ago. The worst and most hurtful part, he didnt' say any of this to me in person. In fact, I ran an errand and he up and left like a coward while I was gone. I called him on his phone and he tells me this. This is a man who told me that same morning how happy he was to be here with me, loves me, is looking forward to me meeting his kids. This is a man who met my friends, vacationed a long weekend with me and my friends, and he has met my mother. Here I am scratching my head over what just happened.

 

I'm sure things can't be going too well at home. I can only imagine what is going on with a BS who finds out her husband has had an 8+yr EA, a 7mo PA, learns that her WH loves me, WH files for divorce and he moves in to my home. There has got to be tons of craziness going on there these days. I can't see how there wouldnt'.

 

I have paraphrased a lot to keep this more easy to read. I guess I really don't have any questions yet. I'm just numb. Plain numb because of what happened. I don't understand what goes thru that man mind to do this. I know guilt is a horrible thing. I think about this every day and I am truly baffled. I feel numb. I feel like a fool after him moving into my home.

 

Perhaps if some of you take the time to read and provide comment it might help to give me some other perspective on what happened. I do miss him terribly. I feel horrible and emotionally depleted. It really did seem after all these years and kids being adult aged it was going to finally be the two of us ... guess not now.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my long-winded writings.

[HappyAgain2014]

Not trivializing your pain but the reality here is he woke up and realized what he was going to lose.

 

He's not going to restart his life for another woman. Way too much to lose if his wife was willing to take him back. Clearly she snapped her fingers and he jumped.

 

Don't waste anymore time on him. Regardless of what he says, he has the chance and didn't follow through. Even worse, now you got to experience his conflict avoiding cowardice being directed at you by him sneaking away. That won't change.

 

He will try to keep you on the side just in case his wife gives him the boot again. Don't be his back up plan.

[anika99]

A man who leaves his family to move hundreds of miles away to move right in with another woman isn't a man who is serious about ending his marriage in my opinion. A real man would take the time and effort to end his marriage with respect and with consideration for his children. An adult would have moved out and got his own place near his children while helping them come to terms with the new reality. He would have treated them like their feelings mattered, like a caring father would. Then once some of the dust settled he would have slowly brought you into his life and worked on slowly building a healthy new relationship between you and he. Your MM never left his marriage like a man, he just ran away from home for a little while, like an immature little boy.

[minimariah]

well... flip - flopping does happen. i'm pretty sure he will contact you & try to restart the A again. he might even move out again.

 

some MMs move out & back in MANY times before they finally make a decision - it definitely happens. in this situation - you need to protect yourself. surround yourself with folks you love and who support you. i'd suggest going NC. if he wants you... he can come back and prove that. until then... NC & take your time to move on.

[Poppy47]

I think MM got a bit carried away with his fantasy there for a minute.

 

Poppy.

[Bufo]

Could this be proof that it can be easier to maintain an LDR than one of daily togetherness? OP got to see close up and personal just how little

Of his character he had revealed to her until he changed his mind, tapped his ruby slippers together and said to himself "there's no place like home".

 

My take? There was a reason it was EA for years. He just couldn't pull the trigger on his M. And he still can't. Sure it will hurt but I think you'll come to realize you are better off without him than you would be with him. He has proved his true character to you leaving no room for doubt.

[heartwhole]

I'm curious, is there a reason he moved to be with you and not the other way around? I'm not surprised his children felt abandoned by that.

[OpenBook]

Put yourself in the MM's shoes for a minute. If the situation was reversed and he was the OP and you were the one married... and you Yo-Yo'd him in & out of your marriage just like he did you... do you think he would tolerate for a SECOND continuing any type of relationship with you?

 

I don't. Because he's a man, and most men don't put up with nearly the level of crap women do. They have a marvelous ability to walk away from messy situations without a look back. In that aspect, I think we women should be more like them!

 

Another thought about being in MM's shoes... I certainly wouldn't want to be in them now! His W is going to torture him about the infidelity for the rest of his natural life. It will always be there, like a black cloud following them everywhere they go, permeating everything they do. It dwarfs whatever marital problems they had before (which will likely never get solved). He thought he was unhappy in the marriage before... ha that was NOTHING compared to what he is facing now.

 

<<<shudder>>> I wouldn't want to be in those shoes for a zillion bucks.

[Labfx]

I'm curious, is there a reason he moved to be with you and not the other way around? I'm not surprised his children felt abandoned by that.

 

I did offer to move. It is the best time in my life for me to do so. I have absolutely no debt and could find work fairly easily. His response to the idea, was "I couldn't ask you to do that, you wouldn't make the same kind of money that you do now." Yes, I am paid well, but happiness is so much more important to me after being thru the wringer with my ex years ago. It took lots of time to recover and soul search about what was important to me.

 

I'll also just add that the 21yr old is in last yr of college 50miles from home. Youngest is graduating HS and will be off to college in a year. These aren't really young kids. No, I'm not trivializing children in any way, I'm just trying to say that at this point in life with kids leaving the nest you would think that your own happiness would come in to play at some point.

[BuddyX]

Put yourself in the MM's shoes for a minute. If the situation was reversed and he was the OP and you were the one married... and you Yo-Yo'd him in & out of your marriage just like he did you... do you think he would tolerate for a SECOND continuing any type of relationship with you?

 

I don't. Because he's a man, and most men don't put up with nearly the level of crap women do. They have a marvelous ability to walk away from messy situations without a look back. In that aspect, I think we women should be more like them!

 

Another thought about being in MM's shoes... I certainly wouldn't want to be in them now! His W is going to torture him about the infidelity for the rest of his natural life. It will always be there, like a black cloud following them everywhere they go, permeating everything they do. It dwarfs whatever marital problems they had before (which will likely never get solved). He thought he was unhappy in the marriage before... ha that was NOTHING compared to what he is facing now.

 

<<<shudder>>> I wouldn't want to be in those shoes for a zillion bucks.

 

Yes yes. We men, can compartmentalize quite easily.

 

His kids are adults. His wife will give him crap for the rest of his life and yet he still went back to them. Shows how much he cares about you. To him, you were side candy, a plan B.

 

Make sure you never allow another man to dictate your life like this again.

 

"When I look back over my life, I tend to find the darkest moments can be the most illuminating."

Edited July 27, 2016 by BuddyX
Grammar

[OpenBook]

I'm just trying to say that at this point in life with kids leaving the nest you would think that your own happiness would come in to play at some point.

 

It is, though. He IS operating in his own best interest. He always did, and he always will. (IME, it is safe to assume all men do this, always!) Before, his own best interest was maintaining his marriage & family life while nurturing an exciting new relationship with you at the same time... leading a double life so he could have the best of both worlds without having to give up either one. Now that he's been forced to choose, he chose the path that he believes is best for HIM in the long run.

 

He really had you going with his talk of happiness with you. Another thing men are really good at - talking up a great story to women, presenting themselves in the best light possible to them. Trickle truths, half-truths, and outright lies. You never get the complete picture out of them.

[anika99]

I did offer to move. It is the best time in my life for me to do so. I have absolutely no debt and could find work fairly easily. His response to the idea, was "I couldn't ask you to do that, you wouldn't make the same kind of money that you do now." Yes, I am paid well, but happiness is so much more important to me after being thru the wringer with my ex years ago. It took lots of time to recover and soul search about what was important to me.

 

I'll also just add that the 21yr old is in last yr of college 50miles from home. Youngest is graduating HS and will be off to college in a year. These aren't really young kids. No, I'm not trivializing children in any way, I'm just trying to say that at this point in life with kids leaving the nest you would think that your own happiness would come in to play at some point.

 

 

I think he didn't want you to move to his location because he didn't want his two worlds colliding. He couldn't picture ever including you in his family, introducing you to his kids, family and friends as the woman he left home for. It made him uncomfortable to imagine being judged or face disapproval. He figured it would be easier to just run away from home and try to start a whole new life, while escaping having to face the painful task of divorce, dealing with hurt feelings, repairing relationships, like a real man. Unfortunately your MM is conflict avoidant as most cheaters are and that's why they make terrible partners and husbands. Once your MM made the move the reality of walking away from his entire life hit him full force and he realized how crazy it was to do that.

 

My kids are even older then your MMs kids. They haven't lived at home for several years and I would still find it difficult to move far away from them. Not saying it's necessarily wrong to do move away from adult children if it's handled correctly. If I got offered the job of a lifetime in another city I might consider it but I would discuss it with my family and include them every step of the way. I wouldn't just say "see ya" and then abandon them. That would be a terrible way to treat anyone I supposedly love.

 

As my kids are grown and gone my own happiness does come into play, a lot. However as a mature woman I understand that true inner happiness isn't really about just pleasing myself and that doing whatever feels good in the moment can have lasting consequences that might seriously detract from having long term happiness. A big part of my inner happiness comes from loving my family and knowing that they are physically and mentally well. I couldn't ever really feel happy doing something that hurt my family unless I 100% believed what I was doing was the right thing to do and if that was the case I would own it, face up to my family, and do all I could to help them come to terms with my decision while assuring them that I still love them and they are important to me. I wouldn't just run away.

 

I think your MM is considering his own happiness and he is realizing that leaving his family hurt, bewildered, broken and in pain wasn't ever going to end in happiness for himself. Maybe someday he will grow up and handle his personal life like an adult which could mean putting in the work to repair his marriage or facing the end of his marriage like a man.

 

You could also benefit from using this experience to explore your own motives and to grow. It is never a good idea to let a man move from living with one woman right into living with another woman. That has disaster written all over it. Helping a man run away like a coward is a bad idea. Counting on a man who lies to his wife and who cheats is not a good plan.

[loveisanaction]

Most married men get so caught up in their affairs that they become oblivious to reality. I think many of these married men really do want to have a life with the other woman but the truth of the matter is they can’t. The idea of leaving the wife for the other woman sounds much easier to do when spoken out loud but very hard to actually do when faced with that decision.

 

When confronted with the option of either losing their wife and children or losing the other woman, time and time again the married man chooses his family.

 

I have read hundreds and hundreds of stories of affairs and each and every time a married man is faced with the choice of losing his family or losing his mistress, he has always chosen his family.

 

No matter how much a married man cares for his other woman very few of them can stand the bond he has created with his wife and children. Wife and children are at the top of a married man’s list alongside stable employment and financial security. Very few forces on earth can shatter that bond which is why time after time the other woman loses out.

 

LabFx I say all of this with a lot of sympathy because I understand that 8 years is a long time to invest your heart into someone.

[heartwhole]

I can see why you feel foolish and numb. He's put you through quite the wringer. It might help you have some perspective and empathy to realize that his wife feels this even more so -- after all, you always knew he was married, and you always knew you were involved in a love triangle.

 

As for your MM, I think it's quite common for them to yoyo back and forth, or to "try out" being with the OW out in the open. What's more unusual in your story is the great lengths he went to set up job interviews, move over 500 miles, and file for divorce. You would think he was pretty sure of his mind when he did all of that. On one hand, you can see the conflict avoidance in running away and starting anew with you rather than incorporating you into his life as would be better for his children. On the other hand, you see that he is capable of being decisive and taking action. Only now you are on the receiving end of his ability to turn on a dime, rather than his wife.

 

It's quite possible he will come back to you at some point. If he hadn't loved you, then he wouldn't have done what he did. The marriage may be beyond repair. But it would be to your detriment to count on that happening. The reality is that even if he were still in your house today, he is demonstrating a lack of concern for others and a naivete about how one goes about ending a marriage and starting anew. A healthy person ends a lengthy marriage with dignity and grace and allows time for things to settle before "moving on." He doesn't up and run away. It almost makes me wonder if moving in with you was a knee jerk reaction to his wife's anger and pain, and not something he carefully thought out and planned for. And he's too old and has too many people counting on him not to carefully consider and plan each step. So now he's turned around and managed to do the same thing to you that he did to her, all within a span of 72 hours. It's dizzying.

 

I encourage you to take the time to carefully plan and consider where you want your life to go from here. I think it was a miscalculation for neither of you to anticipate what the fallout would be from his move. In a way, both of you were avoiding the fallout of doing this "the right way." If he was being so selfless by giving up his whole life so you wouldn't take a pay cut, you could have instead been selfless by being the one to move so that his relationship with children wouldn't suffer as much. Perhaps you weren't ready to face the stigma and shame, or to put your faith in this relationship working out, though you were certainly happy for him to do so. And given his character and the way he handles conflict, I don't blame you. I just think the other people involved in this mess deserve for you to be honest with yourself about these things.

 

Part of having a successful relationship is understanding how the other person works and anticipating how they will respond in given situations. If you didn't know before, you know now that his ability to compartmentalize and run away applies to you as well as to his marriage. IMO that's the trap that single OW fall into, thinking that the MM's negative behavior only exists because of the confines of his marriage, and not realizing that the affair is probably just a symptom of his dysfunctional coping skills and issues with judgment and conflict resolution.

 

It's still quite likely the yo-yoing will continue. Can you handle that? How will you respond?

[Lady2163]

I'm not trying to give you false hope, but I was acquaintances with two people who had an affair from 1998-2000. She was just a college student, single and he was 10+ years older, married with two kids.

 

They had numerous ddays. Finally, the planned to just pack up and leave. He was sort of "nesting" at work. He went in to work on a Friday and told his boss he wouldn't be back Monday. They were planning to leave and drive to a new location 4 hours away immediately after work. The boss promptly called his wife, who called parents, who called his minister and within an hour he is getting the full guilt trip.

 

Once he escaped the inquisition and called the girl, she had informed her parents and was just waiting for him to pick her up. He told her what he and been through. They met for lunch. In the end, SHE just couldn't do that to his elementary school children.

 

The affair eventually fizzled as she grasped there was no future to be had. This was all it was ever going to be. She became more involved in college activities and was less accessible to him. This was before EVERYONE had a cell phone and email.

 

However, the die was cast. He hung in there for six more years. He went through the motions with his wife and kids. He went through all the usual hell from his family and his church. But around 5 years after that affair, he met another woman, an older, more settled woman. His kids were junior high school age.

 

Within months, he left. He has no relationship with his children, who are now adults. He did make attempts, but they were unaccepting of his new wife. The kids would routinely cancel weekends with him. The kids never acknowledged birthday checks and presents.

 

But he is happy as a clam. His ex wife is known around town as a total shrew.

 

He knows he didn't love his first wife, but he also admits they needed better counseling than a minister. He felt too awkward discussing his sex life with the minister. That counseling was just a band aid.

 

Again, I'm not trying to give you false hope in any way, but there is the chance that 5-10 years down the road he may very well leave. He is in for a ration of crap and will have to do a lot of penance to keep the peace.

 

I guess what I'm telling you is that for right now, the reality was just too overwhelming.

 

I was interested in your story because I too was in a long term long distance relationship with a MM. I don't think I loved him romantically, but definitely as a friend. Probably what spurred me to end it was, one time and only one time, he made a comment, "Maybe when the youngest child has graduated from college, things could be different for us...."

 

Because of the events from the story I first told, there was no way I could let him go through that. There was no way I could let him lose everything he had worked for his whole life. Not with me and not because of me. It did take me many months to find a solution and a way to ease out of it.

 

And I was horribly depressed and numb for several weeks. It does go away. This forum can help - and sometimes it can be hurtful to healing. I take many breaks from here.

[Labfx]

I think he didn't want you to move to his location because he didn't want his two worlds colliding. He couldn't picture ever including you in his family, introducing you to his kids, family and friends as the woman he left home for. It made him uncomfortable to imagine being judged or face disapproval. He figured it would be easier to just run away from home and try to start a whole new life, while escaping having to face the painful task of divorce, dealing with hurt feelings, repairing relationships, like a real man. Unfortunately your MM is conflict avoidant as most cheaters are and that's why they make terrible partners and husbands. Once your MM made the move the reality of walking away from his entire life hit him full force and he realized how crazy it was to do that.

 

 

I suppose I have to disagree with the comment about his not including me in his family. He spoke of it often and how he saw how I would fit in. He commented that I did not come after his children, but was along side of them, even though I truly know that any woman would come after children. It's the pecking order and best to understand this first.

 

I had asked time and again if he was conflicted, even as recently as 30 and 60 days prior to D-Day. He did insist that he was not, so I was left to believe this.

[Labfx]

This MM is a person who travelled due to career. Often spent time away for months at a time both in military and civilian careers which were in parallel to each other.

[anika99]

I suppose I have to disagree with the comment about his not including me in his family. He spoke of it often and how he saw how I would fit in. He commented that I did not come after his children, but was along side of them, even though I truly know that any woman would come after children. It's the pecking order and best to understand this first.

 

I had asked time and again if he was conflicted, even as recently as 30 and 60 days prior to D-Day. He did insist that he was not, so I was left to believe this.

 

Talking about including you is not including you, it's talking. It's just feel good daydreaming out loud. I could talk about how I'm going to win the lottery and share 1/2 my winnings with you but you'd be nuts to quit your job or make any decisions based on my someday promise of making you rich. You are still hanging onto his flowery words instead of looking at his actions.

[ladydesigner]

Talking about including you is not including you, it's talking. It's just feel good daydreaming out loud. I could talk about how I'm going to win the lottery and share 1/2 my winnings with you but you'd be nuts to quit your job or make any decisions based on my someday promise of making you rich. You are still hanging onto his flowery words instead of looking at his actions.

 

If I had anything to say to the OW here is to watch the MM's actions. I have a friend who has been with her MM for 8 years it's been all talk with only enough action to keep her placated.

[13Hearts]

Labfx, I could have written your post, nearly word for word. We were both the one who got away long ago (although we never dated), highly compatible, very comfortable together, and very much in love with one another. He was so sweet and kind, giving, doting, just the best.

 

Same thing happened, he told her he was in love with me, wanted a divorce, they got into a fight. He left and came here for a little while. And then he went back. Back-tracked on what he had said about being in love with me and told her he meant he loved me but as friends only.

 

I think he gave it his best shot but was unprepared for how she would react, ill-equipped to handle the threats, and afraid of what she would do in revenge. Yours has the added influence of his kids. No matter what they say, they do not want to lose everything and they don't think through these things; it seems they wing it. Maybe they do that on purpose so that they fail, IDK.

 

Here's my advice: Cut your losses and honor what he has asked: Do not contact him. Grieve your loss, forget about what could have been, and focus on your self and your life.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I hope you recover quickly.

 

 

First time poster, but a very long time lurker.

 

Been involved in an EA/PA with a MM for 8.5 yrs. This is a person that I was involved with for 6-8mo of time 15yrs prior to the start of this EA/PA. Let's just say we were both the person who "got away" from one another as we both have always felt we were the right person for each.

 

MM and I are both 50yrs old. He has kids 21 and almost 18yrs, and I have none. Obviously he is married (21yrs), and I am divorced the last 9+yrs.

 

For the last 8+yrs we've had an intense EA. Lots of calls and texts. Lots of sharing of very detailed information with one another. Oddly, I think I know him better than the man I was married to at one point in my life. Our conversations were at all hours of the day and week. Nothing really hidden about it. Somehow his wife was oblivious to what was going on all these years. I guess it shouldn't be to surprising since MM told me they have slept in separate rooms starting 13yrs ago. There was always talk of him not being happily married and wanting out of marriage, etc. but kids were younger and we all know how that goes in most situations. Now the kids are 21 and almost 18.

 

The EA escalated to a PA back in December. We have spent many weekends together. He travelled great distances to see me. We had great dates. Intimacy has been the best ever for me and for him from what he wrote to me in a letter and shared with me in conversations. I remember clearly the moment he told me that he loved me. I knew the "I love you" was coming at some point and I was very happy to hear it. He said it first. We told each other we loved one another all the time when we spoke and saw each other. We talked about future, and most of this was initiated by him. We talked about retirement, etc. I wouldn't exactly call it future faking because our conversations weren't general in the least.

 

In the midst of this now PA, his BS found out about us. She just happened to stumble upon his unsecure cell and read one of my "love ya" texts. This turned into her impersonating him and contacting me on D-Day via text. It took me about 7txts to realize it was her. After D-Day it took him 2 days to contact me. He did and still insisted he wanted to be with me just as we had talked about for such a long time.

 

MM filed for divorce, packed his belongings, quit his job (had interviews lined up here), and moved 550 miles here to be with me. His kids didn't take to well to him moving here. Told him he was as good as dead to them. Didnt' want to talk to him. The BS was giving him grief as well. I gave him space to handle conversations with the kids, etc. After the calls, we talked about how he planned to handle the kids, etc. I was supportive but didn't overstep.

 

Next thing I know, 3 days after moving in he is moving the 550 miles back home. Says, can't hurt his kids this bad and tells me don't contact him. His BS contacts me via IM and says he burned the divorce papers which were filed less than 30days ago. The worst and most hurtful part, he didnt' say any of this to me in person. In fact, I ran an errand and he up and left like a coward while I was gone. I called him on his phone and he tells me this. This is a man who told me that same morning how happy he was to be here with me, loves me, is looking forward to me meeting his kids. This is a man who met my friends, vacationed a long weekend with me and my friends, and he has met my mother. Here I am scratching my head over what just happened.

 

I'm sure things can't be going too well at home. I can only imagine what is going on with a BS who finds out her husband has had an 8+yr EA, a 7mo PA, learns that her WH loves me, WH files for divorce and he moves in to my home. There has got to be tons of craziness going on there these days. I can't see how there wouldnt'.

 

I have paraphrased a lot to keep this more easy to read. I guess I really don't have any questions yet. I'm just numb. Plain numb because of what happened. I don't understand what goes thru that man mind to do this. I know guilt is a horrible thing. I think about this every day and I am truly baffled. I feel numb. I feel like a fool after him moving into my home.

 

Perhaps if some of you take the time to read and provide comment it might help to give me some other perspective on what happened. I do miss him terribly. I feel horrible and emotionally depleted. It really did seem after all these years and kids being adult aged it was going to finally be the two of us ... guess not now.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my long-winded writings.

[Josmatjes]

I think one of the things that we often forget is that something was stolen from us. It's not like you had your car stolen or you house robbed. Material things can be replaced. He stole your trust and with that a part of your soul. I'm sure they do on many levels fall in love and we are all in a bubble. But as for myself I believed my xmms words. Telling me he would get separated firsthand then I was to follow. I believed and trusted whole heartedly. It's over two years now since my dday and I still can't get over how I trusted him. Makes me angry and very sad. How do you trust your instincts ever again? It's a tough pill to swallow when everything you believed turns out to be a lie... Anyway...keep moving forward and don't look back...good luck!

[Bufo]

Is MM a poker player by any chance? I see him playing this like a hand of

Poker. He's bluffing all along (bw) and she figures that out and calls him. Ie threatens him with D etc. So he knows what he has to do: raise the stakes. Does that by telling her you want to divorce? Go ahead. I have a life to live with OW. She says you're bluffing. He leaves moves in with you and does the job thing and files for divorce. She caves right away and folds her hand because she can't afford the risk that MM isn't bluffing. She tells him and he packs up and returns to her. He takes the pot, leaving you there other player just sitting there wondering what happened. The truth is it all happened between them.

 

As crazy making as this is, please try to leave it alone. You know how BS's are frequently advised that the A wasn't about them? In his case the seeming R isn't about you. You did nothing to encourage or discourage it. MM is simply the sort who isn't going to shake up his life now that he thinks he's gotten what he wants from BW.

 

Oh, he'll. contact you trying to restart this very convenient A once the heat dies down. One word: don't.

[Bufo]

Is MM a poker player by any chance? I see him playing this like a hand of

Poker. He's bluffing all along (bw) and she figures that out and calls him. Ie threatens him with D etc. So he knows what he has to do: raise the stakes. Does that by telling her you want to divorce? Go ahead. I have a life to live with OW. She says you're bluffing. He leaves moves in with you and does the job thing and files for divorce. She caves right away and folds her hand because she can't afford the risk that MM isn't bluffing. She tells him and he packs up and returns to her. He takes the pot, leaving you there other player just sitting there wondering what happened. The truth is it all happened between them.

 

As crazy making as this is, please try to leave it alone. You know how BS's are frequently advised that the A wasn't about them? In his case the seeming R isn't about you. You did nothing to encourage or discourage it. MM is simply the sort who isn't going to shake up his life now that he thinks he's gotten what he wants from BW.

 

Oh, he'll contact you trying to restart this very convenient A once the heat dies down. One word: don't.

[lemondrop21]

I just want to say I'm so sorry to read about your pain. This was a really tough one to read, especially since he actually moved in with you etc. I hope you can ride out the pain, cling on to others who love you, and eventually heal and move on. That all probably sounds hollow right now, but unfortunately there isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. But please do continue to remind yourself that his actions since doing the moving out/moving back in thing were NOT your fault. Nor his wife's fault. This is all on him and his loads of drama that he clearly needs to work through.

[ladydesigner]

I think one of the things that we often forget is that something was stolen from us. It's not like you had your car stolen or you house robbed. Material things can be replaced. He stole your trust and with that a part of your soul. I'm sure they do on many levels fall in love and we are all in a bubble. But as for myself I believed my xmms words. Telling me he would get separated firsthand then I was to follow. I believed and trusted whole heartedly. It's over two years now since my dday and I still can't get over how I trusted him. Makes me angry and very sad. How do you trust your instincts ever again? It's a tough pill to swallow when everything you believed turns out to be a lie... Anyway...keep moving forward and don't look back...good luck!

 

This applies to both OW and BS which is what makes A's so hypocritical in my eyes.