In a Huge Mess

[Maugk]

Hi,

I'm a M in my early 20's. I have recently ended a four year 'relationship' with an older woman (late 20's) who when I met her had a LT boyfriend, who is now her H.

 

We met through a hobby, I knew she was attached, but being so young, immature and never having had a real relationship or experienced love before, I took an instant liking to her. We really got on and became close friends. The situation escalated and it became clear that we both 'liked' one another, which turned the conversations that we were having into illicit discussions. I soon fell for her, she then told me that she had fallen for me too. Her BF saw some of the messages that had been sent and privately messaged me, asking me to stop. I told him that I was deeply sorry, which I was and contact briefly ended before I stupidly fell back into the lies and secrecy of the situation. She told me that she loved me and we talked of being together. We began to talk every day and grew closer, telling each other everything. Conversations were also intimate and included illicit discussion. Throughout the whole time I felt guilty about this and tried to stop on more than one occasion, although I was frequently pulled back in by claims that I made her happy, that she couldn't go back to when she did not know me, I too felt strongly about her and felt that I couldn't go without contact, she had quickly become my best friend. Looking back, I should have known that the situation would not end well, but I fell blind to reality as she became engaged. The conversations continued, we told each other that we loved each other, yet deep down, I knew that she still loved him more, I just did not have the strength to end it, I thought my world would end.

 

Then came the wedding, that she had planned and agreed to without telling me until I saw pictures of her hen night, this crushed me as I still somehow thought there was a way of us being together, she was my best friend, my world, that is how I truly felt about her. I met up with her face to face before she was married and she watched as I crumbled in front of her. I have since initiated no contact, as I realise now, with a development of maturity and age, that the situation was all nothing but fantasy, she was never going to leave him, their home or any of that for me who has nothing. I still do love her in my heart, yet I have accepted that I could never be with her, that my future life partner is still out there and I want nothing more than to live the rest of my life happily and find her, I feel that I have moved on from my now MW. Phone numbers, emails, social media, all means of contact are blocked.

 

 

I am now in deep trouble. The guilt of being involved within this EA is eating me alive. I have caused the BS so much pain and anguish, he knew that I was contacting her, I gave him my word that I would stop and I betrayed that. I was blinded by the emotions and feelings that I felt for her and did not take into account the damage that the situation could do, I remained involved when I should not have. I feel that I have no morale, I feel that I am a bad person. I did not set out to hurt anybody, I did not set out to hurt him, her, their family members, yet I could have and probably will.

I am scared about what will happen on D Day as there is sure to be one, I am scared of the pain that will be caused to the BS, to her, to their family and friends, all because of me. I am scared that if the truth does not come out now, then it will once they have had children, I feel so guilty that I could potentially have broken up a family. It's killing me.

 

I am also scared about what will happen to me. This is selfish I know, but when the A first started, I was not thinking of family, friends, what I could do to them and the damage that I could potentially do to my own career.

I am scared that my family will disown me as I have let them down. I have recently been working temporarily in a job that I love, building friendships there with people that I love, friendships that I hoped would last forever. A permanent post is opening up that I would love to try for, yet I feel I cannot as some of those who work there are mutual friends with some of the friends of the MW, if D Day comes and the truth comes out, I will lose so many good friends and it will deeply damage my position at the workplace. In order to move on, I want to spend more and more time with my friends there, but I am distancing myself from them in case they find out what I'm really like, I'm pushing them away because I don't want them to find out what a horrid person I am and think less of me, which I know they would.

 

I know that this is selfish as I deserve to lose everything. I know that if there ever is a D Day, my pain now will be nothing compared to what the BS will go through and that is my fault, I have caused so much hurt and pain. I wish I could turn back the clock. I would never, ever become the OM again, the hurt that I have and will cause is too much for me to bear, I want to be a good person, I want to be, I truly do. I want to the MW and her spouse to have a happy life, I want them to have never met me, I want them to be happy and I want happiness too, I just will never have it as I don't deserve it. I have messed up my life at such a young age, I am going to lose family, lose my best friends and lose my career. I am so full of remorse, I want to apologize for everything I have done, yet I know that would only cause more pain.

 

Please can someone help me?

[OneLov]

The first thing you need to do is stop whatever you're doing and take 10 deep breaths and countdown as you release them. Everything's going to be ok. The sky is not falling and the sun will rise tomorrow. You're not a bad person; you just made some poor choices. Everything's going to be all right, I promise.

[Cherryz]

Learn from this and leave this women alone.

Dont contact her what ever she do or say.

 

The way you feeling will help you to never enter a situation like that.

 

Its her also at first place that betrayed her husband.

And you agreed back then to be part of doing it.

 

Now all you can do is stop it and move on.

And learn from it.

[rumblefish12]

It sounds like you're having a panic attack. I know because I've had them. Probably most of the people on here have had them since becoming involved in an A. Even if they never had any experience with them before, the A introduced them to the wonders of a panic attack. And, the reality is, you are not in trouble. At the moment nothing is happening. Don't project. All the things that you think could occur, 99% never will. But the magic, magnifying mind will tell you otherwise.

 

Here's another thing to consider. While you've done the right things by blocking her, etc. you have think that your desire to apologize is also an indirect means of keeping the relationship open, of reaching out again. Don't do it. My guess is that if they ever have a Dday, it won't be about you. But if she's cheating on him like that, even while planning the wedding, that's a rough start.

 

You're going to be okay. Let her and her new H live their life. You have all of yours in front of you. You're not a bad person, you've made some bad choices. We ALL do. Find love with someone available to you. It'll happen.

[Maugk]

Thank you all for being so understanding, I am just completely torn that I have made such bad decisions. I never set out to hurt anybody, I didn't set out to cause any harm, yet looking back I see just how much harm that I have and could possibly cause.

 

This experience has and will continue to be a huge learning curve for me, I can safely say now that if I knew then what I do now, I would never, ever have entered into the situation. I will never become involved with anybody attached again.

 

While she does still hold a place in my heart, I do see that this is over. I see that there would be no future together, it is impossible, she clearly loves her H and I have now entered the stage where I want them to be happy, after all of the wishing that I could be with her; I wish her all of the best, yet now it is with him. I do think that she like I became blinded by the whole situation, I now see it for what it was, an addiction and I believe that we both became hooked on it. I am making no excuses for the way that either of our behaviour, but I feel like I understand just how dangerous the situation was now that I'm on the other end.

 

As much as I feel the need to give an apology, it is not something that I would do unless there was a D Day and the BS somehow initiated contact. I feel that I would then give an honest and heartfelt apology as my actions have been unacceptable, selfish and inappropriate. I would not expect forgiveness or even acknowledgement to this. I am responsible for the mess and I totally understand that.

 

What would you do in relation to spending time with friends and the career situation?

[13Hearts]

Whoa, hold on there. I think you are judging yourself WAY too much. You need to let that go! You are scared of a whole bunch of things happening IF there is a d-day, something that hasn't even occurred. You need to get back into the present moment and leave the future until the future comes.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It seems to me you're being too hard on yourself, OP. Yes, what you did was wrong, you made a mistake. But, you've gotten out of it, which was the right thing to do.

 

I don't know of your beliefs. I believe in God and in your place I'd ask forgiveness of Him and move on with my life without guilt.

 

Chances are good that your R with exMW won't ever come to light. But, what you can do now is to live in such a way that if it ever does come to light, no one will believe it. If ever someone you're close to learns about it and comes to you for an explanation in your place I'd just explain that you realize you made a mistake that you regret and plan never to make again.

 

It's water under the bridge. Also, to me, your exMW bears the greater part of the guilt for what she did to her BH and also to you.

 

Not sure whether or not I should add this but I will. It's highly likely that your exMW will make the same mistake again. The reason I mention this is because when a person who is in love with someone cheats on that person, something is broken within the cheating person. Until that broken place is healed they stand a good chance of repeating the betrayal. Every person I've seen, and I've lived a good long time, who has betrayed the person they love early in their marriage has become a serial cheater. That is not to say I believe everyone who does this becomes a serial cheater, it's just that everyone I've seen who's done it has become a serial cheater and because of the particulars of the story you've related I believe your exMW probably will cheat on her BH again (and possibly multiple times).

 

I don't see you as being in the same category as exMW because you weren't involved with someone you loved when you got involved with her and also because she wasn't married when you became involved with her. Had she broken up with her bf before she was married and when the two of you became attached to one another that would seem different to me. But, she clearly loved this man enough to commit her life to him and still cheated on him.

 

Also, he knew of your R so she knowingly continued even after he thought it was over. She has some serious problems and you dodged a bullet in not ending up with her, in my opinion.

Edited June 18, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Maugk]

Thank you, I also believe in God and have/plan to continue to ask for forgiveness.

 

I don't usually consider anybody involved within an A to be a bad person, I believe that everybody makes mistakes and that anybody can fall into an action or string of actions, regardless of consequences wherever feelings and love are involved. I guess the mind does magnify your own actions by a huge amount when you have done something wrong, that's why I feel so much guilt and am panicking so much. I just never intended to hurt anybody. I truly believed that it was love and that we could be together

[13Hearts]

I sincerely believe that every circumstance, especially the bad or painful ones, are brought to you to teach you a life lesson. Pain is what helps you to see the lesson you were meant to see. I assure you the lesson is not that you are a horrible person who should be punished or feel guilt the rest of your life for falling in love with, and not being able to resist, a woman.

 

The lesson is always something to do with you, and it is something that will help you grow and mature, emotionally. Seek the lesson and the anxiety, fear, and guilt will begin to fade.

 

Individual counselors such as therapists are trained to help people find the lessons they are meant to learn, and grow from them. Why don't you give one a try? We ALL need help at some point and there is no shame in reaching out for it. In fact, the person who reaches out for help in a time of need is actually stronger and more respectable than one who does not.

[FusionCutter]

Thank you all for being so understanding, I am just completely torn that I have made such bad decisions. I never set out to hurt anybody, I didn't set out to cause any harm, yet looking back I see just how much harm that I have and could possibly cause.

 

This experience has and will continue to be a huge learning curve for me, I can safely say now that if I knew then what I do now, I would never, ever have entered into the situation. I will never become involved with anybody attached again.

 

While she does still hold a place in my heart, I do see that this is over. I see that there would be no future together, it is impossible, she clearly loves her H and I have now entered the stage where I want them to be happy, after all of the wishing that I could be with her; I wish her all of the best, yet now it is with him. I do think that she like I became blinded by the whole situation, I now see it for what it was, an addiction and I believe that we both became hooked on it. I am making no excuses for the way that either of our behaviour, but I feel like I understand just how dangerous the situation was now that I'm on the other end.

 

As much as I feel the need to give an apology, it is not something that I would do unless there was a D Day and the BS somehow initiated contact. I feel that I would then give an honest and heartfelt apology as my actions have been unacceptable, selfish and inappropriate. I would not expect forgiveness or even acknowledgement to this. I am responsible for the mess and I totally understand that.

 

What would you do in relation to spending time with friends and the career situation?

 

You never set out to hurt anybody but ironically you have hurt yourself. NC this woman.

 

She is, lying, manipulative, dishonest. When she was with you she was cheating behind his back. When she was with him, she was cheating behind your back.

 

You should be feeling mad at this woman, she used you, and left you feeling this way. Would you do this to another person?

 

Forgive yourself and move on. Don't put her on the pedestal that you are - she is not a good person. She didn't even tell you she was getting married. You need a wakeup call.

 

She had a whole other life other than you, you were likely just a small part of it. To her, people are expendable, to be used. She doesn't know how to genuinely care for someone.

 

You really need to put yourself first, and not her.

 

If you feel guilt, then let go.

If you know it's wrong then let go.

 

You write the words as if you understand what happened. Now show it with actions. NC her forever - yes forever.

 

She is not a good woman and in time you will see that.

[loveisanaction]

Maugk,

 

Correct if i'm wrong but you didn't have a physical affair with this woman right...just an emotional one? Not that i am down playing the destruction an emotional affair can cause but i've read stories about people who have had physical affairs who have not shown half the remorse that you are displaying here. Many of them blame everybody but themselves...even going as far as blaming their affair partner for manipulating them into the affair. You on the other hand are taking responsibility for your actions plus you truly seem sorry for the pain you have caused the BS.

 

You are a man in your 20s. If you are this mature in your 20s you are going to be just fine.

 

Forgive yourself, forgive your affair partner, grieve the loss of the affair and find a lovely single and available girl whose heart and body is kept and reserved just for you.

Edited June 19, 2016 by loveisanaction

[anika99]

You need to unburden yourself. Find a counsellor or clergy person whom you trust and spill your guts to that person. It will be cleansing and you will feel better. Accept that you cannot change the past or control the future. Forgive yourself and don't waste your days wringing your hands with worry over something that may or may not happen. If the affair comes out then you can cross that bridge.

[Maugk]

Thank you to everyone for the supportive words!

 

I am looking into IC as I feel I would definitely benefit from this. Having let go of her, I just really wish that I could let go of the guilt and worry in order to move on from the situation properly, although I understand that this will take time.

 

As much as I want to move on, I also understand that this is also part of the learning process and as mentioned, it will ensure that I don't make similar mistakes in the future. I completely accept that this is my consequence for becoming involved in the first place, I just feel huge remorse that I could potentially put a whole lot of people through a whole lot worse.

 

I am going to try and get out there more, do more with friends/family and hopefully show them that I am a good man and hope that if the truth ever does come out that they will be as understanding as you guys!