2 1/2 months and still suffering....

[Perpetual dreamer]

I've decided to post on here after months of lurking as quite honestly I need some support. It's 2 1/2 months since my A abruptly came to an end and it still hurts like it was yesterday. I just don't know where to go from here.

 

A little back story for you, it's quite complicated and I could go on forever but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.. The UM in question is someone I've known as an acquaintance for about 3 years but had been married throughout the time I'd known him hence off the radar. I knew his wife and some of their friends although we didn't see each other often. He contacted me out of the blue last October and told me he had split from his wife. We got on amazingly and after a few weeks began to meet up (dating or so I thought!). About a month in, after the first time we slept together he told me he had started a relationship with someone else. He was so apologetic, told me he cared for me but the timing was bad etc etc and I like an idiot said it was ok and agreed to be friends. The following months were frought with emotional exchanges, admissions on his part that he felt more connected to me than anyone else and confusion about his feelings. He ended it with his gf once but got back with her a week later. There were a few occasions where we slept together in the next 3 months but it always ended with me stating that it was not what I wanted and me calling nc....and failing! We spoke on the phone for hours on end most days, met for meals and spent time at each other's houses as friends although the conversation often led to our feelings and the obvious confusion we were experiencing. His gf was aware of our friendship and his ex wife was suspicious but we always maintained that we were friends and nothing more. A few days before DD I confessed that I was falling in love with him, we spent the next 2 days together and it was amazing! He called me one night and admitted that he'd had an amazing few days with me and was considering ending his relationship. I was so happy, I literally adored this man and being with him was all I wanted.

To cut a long story short, he didn't end it. We went out to celebrate my bday a few days later and in my anger I drank far too much! I woke the next day at his house and spent the day in bed with him (at this point I felt completely lost and just wanted to be close to him! ?) Well we fell to sleep and woke to his ex wife coming through the front door! And that was DD.

The rest is such a blur and I can't really remember our last conversations that well. I remember he went cold very quickly and I was petrified I was going to lose him. He asked for some time to sort things out, his gf had ended the relationship instantly as his ex wife had contacted her and he felt incredibly guilty. He told me he thought we needed to not be in contact for a while and that he wasn't saying we would never have a relationship, he just needed time.

That was at the beginning of March and since then Ive had one email telling me that his relationship ended and that he's with someone else! He doesn't want to remain friends as he doesn't want the drama and he hopes I'm well....wtf??? I've spent the last two months feeling so guilty about messing up his life and causing him to lose the respect of those around him and he just moved on without giving me a second thought! I didn't respond, I don't have the words. He lives in the next village though and I often see him driving around, it's awful!

I don't know how to feel, I'm not a woman that sleeps around or gets involved with people lightly, in fact I haven't been involved with anyone since the end of my marriage 3 years ago. I feel so stupid for believing that this man cared about me but I can't be angry with him. I understand why he would want to move on, we got caught doing a terrible thing and I know it affected him badly. I miss him so much though, he's on my mind all the time. Sometimes thinking of him makes me smile, others it makes me cry but mainly I feel sick! I feel so guilty for letting it continue, I know that our 'relationship ' caused him pain and I can't stand that thought. I'm torturing myself, I know I am. Was I an idiot to believe that he actually cared for me? Will I ever hear from him again? Should I want to? How do you get over something like this? I need help!! ?

 

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry it's so long...I thought this was the abridged version!

[imperfectangel]

This man treated you very badly. Why are you so into him? The best thing you can do now, and I'm sure you know anyway is to move on. Do you have many hobbies or socialise a lot? You need to keep busy and block this guy from your mind as much as possible. He is not the man you think he is.

 

And we'll done you for not responding!!

[loveisanaction]

Girl,

 

I'm going to just give it to you straight (sorry, i tend to rip the band-aid off, i don't hand-hold).

 

This man is a playa...and i don't mean player i mean playaaa...and a mega one at that. Like What! This is like an episode out of Jerry Springer. His ex-wife walks in on you and him in bed. How did she even have access to his place? Did she have a key? Then, the ex-wife calls his girlfriend and tells her everything she saw; talk about about weird.

 

Then after a while he emails you (you who is still reeling over the relationship) and tells you that he is in a new relationship and that he wishes you well?

 

Honey, you might not feel like doing this now but one day you are going to put some music on and thank your lucky stars that whatever you had with this guy didn't work out. This man has nothing to offer any woman, absolutely nothing, he just moves from one woman to the other.

 

Puh-lease Girl, i comfort you but you are so much better off without this (insert your own word here).

 

pppfffff!! Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Edited May 17, 2016 by loveisanaction

[privategal]

Hes got an ex wife, a GF and an OW.

You fall last...gotta let this one go.

Sorry you are hurt here but this is a dead end. No contact. You will heal.

[burnt]

He "split" from his wife? What does that mean? He is divorced or just separated?

If he is divorced, then why does his wife get to walk in to the house where he lives? Why did she call his gf if he and his wife are no longer together?

 

And if he is not divorced, then

if he was seeing you and another women,

then that would mean he was still married and was having TWO other women at the same time?!?

 

And you are worried about causing HIM pain?

 

Who is crying in pain right now? That would be you, not him.

 

Who is playing juggling ball with THREE women? That would be him.

 

Who is playing with people's hearts and treating them like disposable commodities? That would be him.

 

Who is playing musical chair with women's hearts? Oh wait, that would be him.

 

You didn't cause him pain--he used you for fun, variety, entertainment, and amusement.

[Sunnycalb808]

You feel sorry for him??? What?

 

Its so insane how OW iver romanticizes things. Im sure he liked you very much and enjoyed being with you as a side chic but I dont yhink you ever fell in the category of what he was looking for long term.

 

I guess be glad for that since he clearly lies and cheats regularly.

 

People like this view women as objects or things to have for a while, until the butterflies and luv wears off, than move on to the next.

 

Its hard for many women to grasp bc its sucj a different concept from them.

[Southern Sun]

Any man who delivers you the "it's bad timing" line is totally messing with you. Whether he did it intentionally or not, he managed to get the benefits of a relationship out of you without actually ever having to show up. Yay for him. Not so much for you.

 

These relationships are harder to get over than the average because they offer no closure and they never really WERE. They never came to fruition. They were just promises of a relationship, of something that could be. And in the meantime, he mistreated you horribly while telling you he cared for you. Really jacks you up.

 

I'm sorry you got sucked in by this jerk. You are doing good to stay away from him. If you are in contact with him at all, it will set you totally back. Keep your distance, try to move on from him mentally. It's hard, prepare for it. But you will be okay - as long as you stay away. Because if you give him an opportunity, he will use you again.

[Doublegold]

I am sorry to say this but he is rotten. What an awful series of events.

 

Sending you light and strength to recover from his issues, and hope that you find peace and healing in the time ahead.

 

Take Care.

[Sabella]

I am so sorry you are hurting. Just wanted to send you ((((hugs))))

I'm glad you shared your story. I hope with a little bit of distance from the situation you will get some clarity about him and maybe it won't hurt quite so much. It's gonna be a process though, be patient with yourself, but move forward too.

[sunburned]

Are you sure she's is EX-wife? Why would his ex-wife have access to his home and, even if she did, what right does she have to be upset or you or him embarrassed about being discovered together. I have a feeling they aren't divorced at all and every "new" relationship he's mentioned is him re-focusing (temporarily anyway) on the marriage.

 

The guy is a low life. Good riddance. You aren't missing anything. You are feeling rejection pangs. That sucks and I'm sorry for your pain. Unfortunately you just have to live through it. Time will work its magic but it will take ... time.

[Southern Sun]

I have to add--

 

PLEASE stop feeling guilty for "causing" him pain or "ruining his image." YOU didn't do that. HE did.

 

HE was the one that slept with you after SUPPOSEDLY ending his marriage and AFTER doing so, told you he had already started a relationship with someone else. Wait...what the what?!

 

HE told you he had never felt so connected to anyone ever, he was no longer married, and really had just started dating this other woman...but just couldn't really do anything about his feelings?! Hmmm.

 

Now HE thinks YOU bring the drama, because HE got busted by his "ex-wife" who supposedly told his girlfriend about his OW...okay. So now he has a new girlfriend?! I'm confused!

 

I can hardly believe this guy. Please do not suffer any guilt over him! I know you have pain over what you thought he was and over the feelings you had that were real...but he is not the same kind of person as you. Please stay away from him. You are so much better than that scum.

[Perpetual dreamer]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. I guess there's some info I missed out in my effort to keep the post short. I'll try to elaborate although the more I think about it, the more Jeremy Kyle comes to mind!

 

He is separated from his ExW, they live separately and are in the process of getting a divorce. She however is still very much in love with him and they have 50/50 custody of their 6 yr old son. On the day in question she had been calling him all day to discuss his R with me as their son had told her that he had spent time with me and my daughter (we had been out for some meals, soft play together with the kids. Nothing inappropriate but still in hindsight a stupid idea!) He hadn't picked up and she came round as she said she was worried about him. The door wasn't locked and she walked in without knocking. I guess she suspected something was off when she realised he was at home but not picking up the phone.

 

The gf was LD, someone he'd met through working away last year, she lived 3 hours away and he would spend 10 days here then 5 days with her. He said she was a lovely woman and that they had been through a lot but he didn't have a lot in common with her and felt that things with me were 'different'. He was very undecided about what he wanted and always seemed genuinely confused about his feelings and how to proceed. He told me that he had feelings for her and had made a commitment to her, also felt that she had trusted him by letting him into her and her children's lives and he didn't want to let her down. I never had him down as a player, he was always very honest about his feelings and I felt that it was a genuinely difficult situation for him. He told me he had cheated before and swore that he would never do it again which is part of the reason that we kept putting the brakes on. He would tell me that he thought about me all the time, call me to tell me he missed me and keep talking about how confused he was whilst maintaining that he wanted to be friends. He was always adamant that he wasn't using me and our R wasn't about sex, he constantly told me that he didn't want to hurt me and wanted me to be happy. It was an emotional roller coaster!

 

I think I feel so guilty because prior to us being discovered we had no intimate contact for about 6 weeks, although we still spoke every day and continued to talk about our 'feelings' and spent time together. A few days before he came to do some work at my house and we slept together. I've got to be honest, I'd missed him so much I wasn't thinking about the guilt anymore or the consequences....We spent the next 5 days together and I know that for the first time I didn't try to stop it. We had argued the night before DD and he told me he had no intention of ending his R and what he wanted was the friendship (even though 2 days before he said he was thinking about it). I should have gone home that night knowing that he didn't actually want me, but I didn't. He took me out for a lovely meal, I got drunk and encouraged something that I knew shouldn't have. I even helped him lie and cover up to his gf, I sold myself out big style .

 

I know he got back with his gf briefly as I saw pics of them on FB (I'm blocked but my sister isn't!) I could deal with that as it seemed the right thing to do, she had done nothing wrong. But to then find out he had ended that and moved straight on to someone else astounded me! I can't comprehend how you can go from being so close to someone to disappearing completely and not looking back.

 

The 'drama' he spoke of in his email was in regard to mutual friends of his ExW and me. His ExW had been digging for information and had sent a friend to question my sister. She told him that my sister had confirmed that we had been having a R for months (which she hadn't). The ExW had also sent me messages a few weeks prior saying that she knew about us from a reliable source, I maintained that we were friends as did he. It was basically a completely messed up situation and I just can't believe I let myself get in so deep! As far as I'm aware he managed to convince everyone it was a one night stand (he may have admitted the truth but I doubt it). I've now been left with a bunch of ex friends who think God knows what about me, absolutely no contact with a man who I thought cared about me and a broken heart. I will never, ever get into a situation like this again. I never imagined the hurt and humiliation could be so bad . And to top it off, I know if he got in contact with me now I'd find it incredibly difficult to ignore him, I guess it's a good job that he obviously doesn't care!

 

I won't contact him again, I wouldn't even know what to say after the way he's treated me. I'm going to get some therapy as I know there must be a deeper reason that I've allowed myself to get into such a destructive situation that I need to work through. I'm just waiting for the sick feeling to go away, the mixture of guilt, regret and rejection is incredibly hard. It's not something I've experienced for a very long time, I was with my husband for 12 years and finally put an end to it myself after a very unhappy and unfulfilling marriage. Hopefully one day I'll be able to look back at this as a lesson learned, I certainly never want to feel like this again!

 

I think this is a bit disjointed but I hope I've answered everyone's queries, and thank you again. I think it just helps to be able to get this off my chest.

[Southern Sun]

Perpetual Dreamer - I hope you can start to rest easy soon. The additional information you provided only confirms that that this man was full of double talk.

 

He told you he had cheated before and didn't want to do it again - all the while continuing to call you and moan about his feelings and his "guilt" and how you're the one and he doesn't know what to do and oh...poor me!! He jumped STRAIGHT from his wife, who he hadn't even actually divorced, to a woman who was long distance (perfect for an emotionally unavailable man, BTW), and now he just can't stay away from you. But he must. But he can't! He is so full of it. He was laying it on thick, I'm so sorry. He just wanted it both ways, period. And now he gets to move on from all three of you!

 

He is really as bad as that tiny corner of your heart is telling you he is.

 

I know he seems hard to resist now. Just stay away from him and you will get clearer and clearer with time.

[Perpetual dreamer]

Thank you so much. I guess it's just hard to believe that I've been duped so badly. I should know better at my age! He drove past me and waved the other day and shamefully I cried!! I know I'm going to bump into him in person one day and I dread to think how I'll react.

 

For now I guess it's just a case of trying to forget and move on but I have to admit that it's really put me off from dating in the future. I don't trust myself to make the right decisions after this shocking experience!

[NTV]

You know how some men will tell lies to spend the night with a woman? You've probably been conned or seen a friend get conned by sweet lies before.

 

 

This guy is like that but worse. He tells multiple lies to spend multiple nights with multiple women.

 

 

That's the truth of the man without the rosy glasses.