She disappeared - coworker ghosting me after 9 months?

[TwistedSituation]

I’m… somewhere, a MM in a 9 month very intense EA/PA with a MW who is my coworker. We met when she got hired on, and clicked very fast and very hard – our actual relationship kicked off about three months after we met, and has been very hot and heavy ever since. Both of us are in badly damaged marriages, and everything just “worked” for us – we literally hung out almost every night, talked all day, texted/im/email, and it was just “right” and both of us said it over and over again. We’ve talked about long term plans, and although we’ve carefully backed off from the L-word, it keeps coming up and we keep admitting it. She gets hit by guilts from time to time, as well as massive frustration with her current situation, making it a bit of a roller coaster ride (emotionally abusive husband, 7-year-old kid, even her folks want her out of the marriage, hates her husband but is scared of doing it all on her own), but she’s definitely been “in”, especially since March of this year.

 

Either way, we moved jobs just recently to a new firm – had a slightly uncomfortable week getting settled in for her first week (I started before her) as we were adapting to the new dynamic, and then a spectacular second week picking right back up where we left off. Third week came and started normally, and then we had a planned date on Tuesday. Her day went horribly, she got there two hours late (not her fault, I didn’t blame her or say anything except I was really glad she was there, which she said was part of what made me “awesome”), but that was ok. Then I tried to make a joke to lighten the mood a bit, and it went over badly (it’s a joke we’ve made many times before, just apparently wrong-place/wrong-time on that day). It was a joke I could see possibly bringing back all the guilts again. We slipped out fast at the end of the day, and she gave me a super-abbreviated kiss before driving off. It was our first awkward or weird “date” ever, and while we’ve had a couple of rough spots, we’ve always been able to talk right through them.

 

The thing is, it feels like she’s ghosted me ever since that day. I intentionally didn’t reach out first thing on Wednesday, as I figured she’d want some space, but I never heard from her at all that day, and I did send a few messages. I tried on Thursday, and got back nothing more than a basic “good morning” and “had a good day yesterday, today should be good too” – a total departure from our usual communication styles. Same thing Friday, and I even tried calling that day. I sent her an email Friday night, but she doesn’t normally check email over the weekend and I don’t think she saw it (I know she had a play date with her kid around 4pm and it was well after that). Weekends are normally our NC time for obvious reasons, as her MH suspects strongly, and my W suspects as well (hell, she’s rubbed it in to her MH’s face before – he probably knows, but is too scared of actually having to work to do anything about it).

 

Now, she’s disappeared four times on me over the last 9 months – she’s sometimes a bit bad at communicating, especially when things go weird at home. The first time was super early on when family came into town, and she forgot to tell me they were there – disappeared for 3 days. A total mistake on her part, she thought she’d sent an email saying she’d be out. The second, she came back “late” from Christmas break (2 week pre-planned NC for obvious reasons, we were supposed to sync on a Friday) – when she got back on Monday, two days late, we sat down, and she explained that she’d needed a couple of days to get her head on straight and that she went to have a serious talk with a divorce attorney that morning, and she was 100% bought in for everything (greatest week ever). The third was in March with her mini D-day – we’d been texting like ~mad~ for 5 days straight (we’d both left the old job, I was getting started at the new and out of town), and she left her phone out when she went to the bathroom, and her MH saw some of the texts, went and hid her phone, and freaked out (he’s a bit nuts on hiding the phone – she was arranging interviews). That lasted Thursday-Monday, when she finally got it back and I got a hold of her via an ex-coworker (who also was able to confirm her story). The last was about a month ago when we were supposed to hang out over a weekend right before she started, as my MW was out of town, and her husband decided to drop a “surprise trip out of town to reconnect” on her Thursday night. She was scared I’d be really mad, and we resynced on Monday again when she started. Also confirmed via a friend.

 

This is both the longest, and coming right after a “weird day”, makes me rather insecure… I’m worried something happened at home, that her MH found out and is doing something crazy and she’s scared, or someone at work figured something out and she’s scared… and I’m worried that one bad date upset 9 months of “you’re the best thing that ever happened to me”, “you’re the only thing I can rely on,” and “you and SONS_NAME are the only things I can stand in this world on days like this,” “I choose you, you’re what I’ve needed my entire life”, and “these have been the best 8 months, and it’s clear this is so right”.

 

I just can’t believe that one bad day and one bad comment (that I apologized for, sincerely, I ****ed up and I know it - just bad timing) would trash 9 months of all of that… but I’m worried. If she is ghosting me, she has to know we work together – at some point, we ~have~ to talk, she can’t just avoid me, right? Our job involves late meetings and happy hours – we’ll be around each other a ton… She’s always come back before, but this is the longest, and just feels different because of how Tuesday ended. We always said we couldn’t work together if this ended…

 

I guess I’m looking for some support… some hope she’s coming back again. I know that if she doesn’t, I’ll be fine and able to move on, eventually, and I’ve got job opportunities I can move to elsewhere very easily to get away, but I want her. I want to figure this out, I want to talk it out, and I want to see if we can keep going. I know it’s a rough road, but we’ve walked it thus far together… both of our marriages are, or were at least, well on the way to ending already, and we both knew that would be rocky as hell, but we were going to figure it out together.

 

Do you all think she’s coming back? How the hell do I keep my head on straight till Monday... and what do I do if she's still not responding? When do I give up and start the real healing?

[Confused9999]

Maybe something changed with her husband?

 

Its hard to say but I doubt your comment pissed her off that much to do this.

Since you work together its just a matter of time that you see her so I wouldn't sweat it.

However I would be pissed in that situation since obviously you are not a casual acquaintance that she can ignore for days without reason.

 

Therefore if I was you, I would not try and reach her anymore until I see her in person. Then I would sit down and really have a heart to heart with her.

 

I have a feeling she is getting cold feet or something is new with the husband, (maybe he suspects more, maybe he gave her an ultimatum, maybe he is trying to change and she is listening.)

[BuddyX]

Wait, you're looking for support so you can get back into an affair?

Listen, she didn't leave you over one comment. Odds are her husband found out. She's choosing her husband over you. You are expandable. You are a footnote in her life.

 

Move on. Focus on yourself and the real victim, your wife. You will not find anything beneficial in an affair.

[Poppy47]

Your comment could have triggered something that made her go cold on you.

I know that one comment can bring a torrent of memories or feelings back.

 

Whey not use this opportunity to finish the A and get back to normal?

 

Poppy.

[ShatteredLady]

Why don't you take this opportunity to do the right thing & sort YOUR life out? Why haven't you filed for divorce? Found your own place to live? If you truly believe that your future is with this woman why not prepare your new life now?

 

What are you waiting for?

[TwistedSituation]

Why don't you take this opportunity to do the right thing & sort YOUR life out? Why haven't you filed for divorce? Found your own place to live? If you truly believe that your future is with this woman why not prepare your new life now?

 

What are you waiting for?

 

I've been waiting for my wife to start her new job so that she has health insurance and everything else. My wife is not a bad person - we're not working for reasons that are not her fault or mine, but simply a "bad match" (we got together based on a common experience years ago, and once we got past that common experience, we realized we didn't have anything at all in common, or even the same life goals). I plan on doing everything I can to make sure she has everything she needs to be successful moving on; I bear her no ill will. I wasn't looking for an affair either - this was two people that met and just clicked.

[NTV]

I've been waiting for my wife to start her new job so that she has health insurance and everything else. My wife is not a bad person - we're not working for reasons that are not her fault or mine, but simply a "bad match" (we got together based on a common experience years ago, and once we got past that common experience, we realized we didn't have anything at all in common, or even the same life goals). I plan on doing everything I can to make sure she has everything she needs to be successful moving on; I bear her no ill will. I wasn't looking for an affair either - this was two people that met and just clicked.

 

 

 

Then why wait to divorce? You do yourself and your wife no favors by holding onto this lie. Better to set her free now than later. Even if you wouldn't care that your wife started a new relationship early doesn't mean she'll feel the same way.

[loveisanaction]

She is not ghosting on you.

 

The term ghosting would be more appropriately used for two single people.

 

Your affair partner is not single, she is married, she has a husband and she has a child. If she begins to disappear out of your life it is probably because of her family.

 

I understand that love/marriage is not black and white but if she was your wife and another man was on here asking for advice on how to take her away from you, would that not crush your heart into a million pieces? No matter how bad her marriage is or how evil her husband is she is still his wife. Until the both of you are divorced do the right thing and leave her alone.

 

Loving someone doesn't always mean being with them, loving someone also means staying away from them so that you don't cause havoc in their lives because they belong to another.

[Southern Sun]

You are being taken for a ride, my friend.

 

Emotionally abusive husband? Riight. Who wouldn't be upset when their spouse is cheating on them. And if he was that abusive, after her "mini d-day", she would be so frightened she probably would have stopped the affair. Right?

 

She's disappeared on you before, huh. All with great reasons, right? So logical. She has a good excuse every time. You're the understanding one, right? Sounds like this relationship is allll on her terms. Just guessing.

 

You've come to her rescue. I can't remember what you said in quotes, but it's classic. You're everything she's ever wanted. She wants to be with you forever. Blah blah. And then she goes cold. This is pure manipulation. Be careful with this one.

 

Has she had an affair before? I bet she has.

 

You need to examine your own issues, find out why you are so drawn to this. You feel a need to take care of her for some reason. You feel like you are special together. You think you are the best person for her, the one who can best take care of her problems. Have you forgotten all about your own marriage? Your own problems? WHO IS THINKING ABOUT YOU?

 

I would end this now as if your life depended on it.

[Outofmysystem]

Loveisanaction,

Loving someone doesn't always mean being with them, loving someone also means staying away from them so that you don't cause havoc in their lives because they belong to another.

 

This....was poignant.....words I should live by

 

Southern Sun, your whole post was straight on.....you could have just written my last 6 years of affair, her major flaw and Red flag that I didn't see till I had perspective of being broken up for 8 months now.....it should be made mandatory reading and a prescription for any MM thinking about an Affair....

 

Twisted.....get out now and don't look back, I know it's tough, believe me.....I know......

[Miss Clavel]

so? what happened? did you hear from her?