Feeling desperate

[goldengirl11]

Feeling ill regarding this affair/situation - he went back last summer after a 6 month "split" and last week it came to the crunch, when he told me via e-mail to be realistic, yet "nothing has changed." His words are that we've had a series of meetings over 3-4 years, the secrecy is stressing him out and doesn't want to leave his family again, yet not too long ago he told me his feelings had deepened (for me) and was considering having a baby with me (his words not mine). He also said before he mainly went back home because without a job he was stuffed, but now it's like it's coming from someone else. He said "I went back didn't I?" We sat in a noisy restaurant last week and stayed over in a hotel, when he couldn't penetrate me - several attempts. I think this may have partly killed it and had a bad feeling he would go cold because of this. I still feel rubbish, however and said it wasn't just me... He appears to change his attitude like the weather and since Sunday I have gone back to self harming. Currently on the waiting list for counselling. I'm aware that him and his wife are going for seperate counselling.

Edited April 26, 2016 by goldengirl11

[Girlfromcali]

I will send you healing and loving thoughts in your way, and wish you would find any other way to cope besides self harm.

 

How cruel of him to say he wants to have a baby with you. I mean is there anything more hopeful about future than a baby? I can't understand how people can be that cruel. I can totally understand it would mess you up, anyone would feel the same in your situation.

[goldengirl11]

I will send you healing and loving thoughts in your way, and wish you would find any other way to cope besides self harm.

 

How cruel of him to say he wants to have a baby with you. I mean is there anything more hopeful about future than a baby? I can't understand how people can be that cruel. I can totally understand it would mess you up, anyone would feel the same in your situation.

 

Thanks so much for your sympathy. Really appreciate it! Stupidly, I sent him a few texts in the night re how I was feeling. Just hope he won't respond hurtfully in the morning.

[Adoraxx]

Sending you big hugs, Goldengirl (((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))

I hope you'll be able to get therapy soon, I know how hard it is to be in a situation like this and I wish you much healing xoxoxo

[Miss Clavel]

Thanks so much for your sympathy. Really appreciate it! Stupidly, I sent him a few texts in the night re how I was feeling. Just hope he won't respond hurtfully in the morning.

 

i don't know the details of your story but i'm sure it's as old as time.

 

and my advice is for you to take care of yourself, cuz he sure as hell is not going to.

 

just get through each min. then each hour. until you get this behind you.

 

please don't hurt yourself. you've been hurt enough. when you need to let it out, go somewhere and scream.

 

best of luck, take care.

[2016forme]

Feeling ill regarding this affair/situation - he went back last summer after a 6 month "split" and last week it came to the crunch, when he told me via e-mail to be realistic, yet "nothing has changed." His words are that we've had a series of meetings over 3-4 years, the secrecy is stressing him out and doesn't want to leave his family again, yet not too long ago he told me his feelings had deepened (for me) and was considering having a baby with me (his words not mine). He also said before he mainly went back home because without a job he was stuffed, but now it's like it's coming from someone else. He said "I went back didn't I?" We sat in a noisy restaurant last week and stayed over in a hotel, when he couldn't penetrate me - several attempts. I think this may have partly killed it and had a bad feeling he would go cold because of this. I still feel rubbish, however and said it wasn't just me... He appears to change his attitude like the weather and since Sunday I have gone back to self harming. Currently on the waiting list for counselling. I'm aware that him and his wife are going for seperate counselling.

 

Dear Golden girl,

 

I am so sorry that you are battling a sea of emotions in trying to break away from your MM. I wish you the best cause you deserve better treatment than what your MM can give you.

 

Truth be told, MM'S conscious about his affair with you is "eating him up on the inside. " His conscious is seriously bothering him because he doesn't want to stand the risk of losing his marriage, his wife and his family.

 

According to what you describe, your MM has wasted a significant amount of time telling you sweet little lies here and there. Your MM has convinced you that "things are going to be fine. ...the wife and I sleep in separate rooms. ....we haven't been intimate with each other. .." The sorrowful and pathetic excuses from your MM just lead from one lie to another.

 

The excuses add up more and more......you get tired of beating the same drum.

 

I see that you are sick and tired of MM'S shenanigans. I don't blame you.

 

Three to four years of having the same old useless conversation with your MM is not doing you a favor. It's only leading you to a dead end road.

 

As long as you keep giving in and making yourself vulnerable, your MM will keep coming back, easing his way back in to your life. He feels he has all the right moves and knows the right things to say to you.

 

Until your MM sees that his guilt and his lame excuses are not good enough for you to be convinced, he will just keep playing"tag...you're it!"

 

Your MM will just keep popping in and out of the picture, like a Jack in the Box. His relationship with you will be come see, come saw...neither here nor there.

 

Your MM will keep playing mind games, leaving you in the dark, toying with your emotions. He will manipulate and try to have your mind controlled by his actions.

 

If given the chance, MM wants the best of both worlds. He wants to have his cake and live off the land.

 

It's not fair to you. Your MM is definitely lying to you by saying that he wants you and only you.That MM wants to have a baby with you?! That's absurd! His business is not even taken care of on one end! So how can he make plans with you? ! This MM is not worthy of your time! Please don't be beguiled and blinded by what he tells you! He will just keep changing his mind and flaking out on you each time!

 

Your MM's "plans" to be with only you is a false hood of lies and deception! It's only a smoke screen I tell ya!

 

Please don't torture yourself over a bad situation. At least you are not in denial, and that's a good place to start.

 

Set small goals for yourself. In the end, little by little, the progress will be worthwhile.

 

Let your MM conscious bother him, not you. The door is open, escape while you can!

 

Good luck with your counseling and everything else.

 

Hugs to you. Please don't hurt yourself. Life is precious!

Edited April 27, 2016 by 2016forme

[stilltrying16]

Feeling ill regarding this affair/situation - he went back last summer after a 6 month "split" and last week it came to the crunch, when he told me via e-mail to be realistic, yet "nothing has changed." His words are that we've had a series of meetings over 3-4 years, the secrecy is stressing him out and doesn't want to leave his family again, yet not too long ago he told me his feelings had deepened (for me) and was considering having a baby with me (his words not mine). He also said before he mainly went back home because without a job he was stuffed, but now it's like it's coming from someone else. He said "I went back didn't I?" We sat in a noisy restaurant last week and stayed over in a hotel, when he couldn't penetrate me - several attempts. I think this may have partly killed it and had a bad feeling he would go cold because of this. I still feel rubbish, however and said it wasn't just me... He appears to change his attitude like the weather and since Sunday I have gone back to self harming. Currently on the waiting list for counselling. I'm aware that him and his wife are going for seperate counselling.

 

I am so sorry! I hope you are doing better now. Please keep posting. How much time will you have to wait- approximately- for counselling? And are there people in your life to whom you can talk freely about this?

Edited April 29, 2016 by stilltrying16

[goldengirl11]

I am so sorry! I hope you are doing better now. Please keep posting. How much time will you have to wait- approximately- for counselling? And are there people in your life to whom you can talk freely about this?

 

Thanks. In answer to your questions - No, I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this situation. Now have first counselling appointment on 10th May, but need to confirm with work (awkward!) if can attend next 9? sessions i.e would need to alter my working hours slightly.

[stilltrying16]

Thanks. In answer to your questions - No, I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this situation. Now have first counselling appointment on 10th May, but need to confirm with work (awkward!) if can attend next 9? sessions i.e would need to alter my working hours slightly.

 

How are you doing, Goldengirl? I'm sorry there's no one around you who can listen and be there for you. The community here is so supportive thoug and to me it seems that the people posting now have been through a lot but keep going and support each other.

 

You are strong and you didn't let yourself be deluded about him. Hope you are feeling really good about that.

 

The 10th isn't too far away, so hang on and keep posting, Did they adjust your schedule at work?

[goldengirl11]

How are you doing, Goldengirl? I'm sorry there's no one around you who can listen and be there for you. The community here is so supportive thoug and to me it seems that the people posting now have been through a lot but keep going and support each other.

 

You are strong and you didn't let yourself be deluded about him. Hope you are feeling really good about that.

 

The 10th isn't too far away, so hang on and keep posting, Did they adjust your schedule at work?

 

Hi there stilltrying16

 

Really appreciate your support.

 

I'm still having a tough time to be honest, but trying to keep distracted I guess!

 

Re 10th May - I have booked that day off (have job interview earlier in the day too) and have decided to see how the counselling session goes, before I tell my boss re any future sessions. Just dreading asking her, as don't want her/anyone to get nosey. Particularly as recently a colleague commented on a bruise on my wrist (I pretended I had knocked it), which it seemed she later told my boss about, as she asked me about it later that day, when she also asked to see it. Very embarassing, but felt I had no choice but to show it. Again, I came up with the same story. I am trying to stop it though and trying creams (to help with marks).

 

Thanks again.

Edited May 7, 2016 by goldengirl11

[stilltrying16]

You know you have so many people here rooting for you.

 

How have you been feeling physically? It's about 11 pm there, I think. Are you going to crash pretty soon, or do you want to just talk for a bit?

 

I hope you have been sleeping ok.

 

If you are up for a bit, please know we're here listening to anything on your mind right now. And if you're heading to bed, I'm waving my magic wand here and sending you peace of mind and rest. It will be ok.

[13Hearts]

This guy is bad news. Please stay far, far away from him. If you are cutting, it means he is toxic to you. Please seek out healthy people, not manipulating, selfish @ssh0les like him!

Edited May 8, 2016 by 13Hearts

[goldengirl11]

You know you have so many people here rooting for you.

 

How have you been feeling physically? It's about 11 pm there, I think. Are you going to crash pretty soon, or do you want to just talk for a bit?

 

I hope you have been sleeping ok.

 

If you are up for a bit, please know we're here listening to anything on your mind right now. And if you're heading to bed, I'm waving my magic wand here and sending you peace of mind and rest. It will be ok.

 

Thank you. Such gentle words.

 

I appreciate that I need to try and move on. It is fair to say that I feel he's got me wrapped round his little finger, to suit him. And yes, it was a mistake to sleep with him recently (he couldn't penetrate me), because he has definitely cooled off since then. Although he had accused me of going overboard since, which is true, I did, but because I reacted badly from his e-mail - the next day.

What is also going round my head (sorry if repeating myself), is that the night we spent together recently, he said that it's never moved forward for us, when at the time I didn't respond. What I regret not responding with though, is that he wouldn't commit before, when I asked him with tears in my eyes and again before he moved back home, but he has made me feel to blame for this because he said he hadn't seen me for weeks when he first moved out, which he said thinks did it for him. He said we need to talk, but doesn't know when that will be yet.

 

Speak soon

[stilltrying16]

That's rather a nice thing to say, golden girl. Thank you. You sound like a gentle person yourself. Not at all hard to be gentle back to you!

 

So you'll have your first counseling/therapy session tomorrow? I am so glad you are doing this! If you feel ok talking about it, please post and tell us how it goes.

 

Will it be your first time in counseling? I have my fingers crossed that you get a wonderful therapist. I think you truly need someone who can listen to you and see where you are coming from. Someone who isn't out to judge you or to use your vulnerabilities to get power over you. I suppose most of us need such a person, but in your case it seems you haven't had that for too long. I am so hopeful for you.

 

I read your earlier threads and a few questions started crossing my mind. Do you feel apologetic to others more often than not? Do you think you've had people in your life who have treated you unfairly, even used you? How long did they stay in your life? When you are hurt, do you feel angry or ashamed?

 

And if this is too snoopy, just ignore these questions. Maybe I'm simply projecting from the way I was when I was closer to your age (and that was nearly 19 years ago, if I'm remembering right from your earlier threads).

 

I learned to ask myself those questions and when I started delving into them I started getting my power back. I learned to weed out people who were simply using me. It took time and persistence, but if I could do it, anyone could. I used to feel apologetic to everyone about everything.

 

You apologized in advance in case you were repeating yourself. But why shouldn't you repeat yourself if you want to? It's an open forum, and you should post whatever you want to say whenever you want to say it (within forum guidelines, of course). People are under no obligation to read or respond. Who are you hurting if you post? So please never hesitate to say what is on your mind.

 

I have to go to work, but would love to catch up later if you write back. In the meantime, a big hug to you. You're not alone.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Thank you. Such gentle words.

 

I appreciate that I need to try and move on. It is fair to say that I feel he's got me wrapped round his little finger, to suit him. And yes, it was a mistake to sleep with him recently (he couldn't penetrate me), because he has definitely cooled off since then. Although he had accused me of going overboard since, which is true, I did, but because I reacted badly from his e-mail - the next day.

What is also going round my head (sorry if repeating myself), is that the night we spent together recently, he said that it's never moved forward for us, when at the time I didn't respond. What I regret not responding with though, is that he wouldn't commit before, when I asked him with tears in my eyes and again before he moved back home, but he has made me feel to blame for this because he said he hadn't seen me for weeks when he first moved out, which he said thinks did it for him. He said we need to talk, but doesn't know when that will be yet.

 

Speak soon

 

Golden Girl : Best luck with your counselling. ! Do your best and I am sure you will come out much stronger than you think! <3

[loveisanaction]

Sending hugs to you girl. Don't you hurt yourself because of that man.

 

Good luck with your counseling.

 

You will get through this.

[ladydesigner]

Feeling ill regarding this affair/situation - he went back last summer after a 6 month "split" and last week it came to the crunch, when he told me via e-mail to be realistic, yet "nothing has changed." His words are that we've had a series of meetings over 3-4 years, the secrecy is stressing him out and doesn't want to leave his family again, yet not too long ago he told me his feelings had deepened (for me) and was considering having a baby with me (his words not mine). He also said before he mainly went back home because without a job he was stuffed, but now it's like it's coming from someone else. He said "I went back didn't I?" We sat in a noisy restaurant last week and stayed over in a hotel, when he couldn't penetrate me - several attempts. I think this may have partly killed it and had a bad feeling he would go cold because of this. I still feel rubbish, however and said it wasn't just me... He appears to change his attitude like the weather and since Sunday I have gone back to self harming. Currently on the waiting list for counselling. I'm aware that him and his wife are going for seperate counselling.

 

Wow that is really sick. These MM stoop to new low levels everyday I read here. Raise your bar higher!

[NTV]

Sorry I think I'm late to replying. ... The cutting. .. does it ever really help?

[ShatteredLady]

I've self harmed in the past...

 

I now suffer from chronic pain. My spine is basically collapsing. Simply put the spinal disc 'matter' etc presses into the nerves sending constant 'electric shocks' through various parts of my body. Stubbing my toe HARD feels good because for a moment it relieves the other unmanageable agony. That's the best comparison I can make. On a REALLY bad day would it help to stub my toe on purpose? Yes!!

 

 

It hurts so much less than the pain inflicted by others. It's an intense pain that I chose. I owned it when I had no power over anything. A harsh spark in complete darkness...how that lingers & changes your focus for a while.

 

I've mentioned it before. I thought it would help others understand the absolute, blinding agony that can consume one when the proverbial camels back is breaking. It's just a misguided way of managing pain, like some use words or actions to cut others to make themselves feel a bit better....

 

I didn't logically analyze what I was doing but it helped.

 

In hindsight the infections & scars sucked but that wouldn't of stopped me at the time. It was a guttural scream to the universe that doesn't give a flying f**k about something as insignificant as me.

 

"So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while."

[NTV]

Would you recommend others do it? Why or why not?

[ShatteredLady]

Definitely not! Why? Because it's crazy!! It's crazy making. It's just another "look how far I've sunk!". It only helps in the moment & then you're feeling EVEN worse than you did before.

 

Infections...horrible! Scars....permanent!

 

I've said before, my brother took his own life. I could write a book on the emotional carnage of that. The saddest thing is life turns around. It really does. Life can be the biggest pile of poo but it can also be wonderful. I have no doubt that if my brother had lived he would be married to some really nice lady.

 

I've known people who "have it all". A year later they have health issues, divorced, lost their job.

 

I've been so desperate that I truly wanted to die BEFORE I held my babies in my arms & felt pure bliss.

 

The scars remain long after even the triggers have gone. I walk around with physical triggers all the time from the scars.

 

If I were there again I would go to a doctor & 'confess', explain. Better living through chemistry!!!

 

Self harm is a physical manifestation of simply carrying more pain & anguish than the mind can bare. To be honest if I'd had anyone to wrap their arms around me & tell me that I mattered, that everything was going to be ok I would never of started.

 

You never know the pain that someone is living with. Be kind. You could be saving a life.

[NTV]

The way you describe it, it sounds a lot like trying to drink the pain away....

[goldengirl11]

That's rather a nice thing to say, golden girl. Thank you. You sound like a gentle person yourself. Not at all hard to be gentle back to you!

 

So you'll have your first counseling/therapy session tomorrow? I am so glad you are doing this! If you feel ok talking about it, please post and tell us how it goes.

 

Will it be your first time in counseling? I have my fingers crossed that you get a wonderful therapist. I think you truly need someone who can listen to you and see where you are coming from. Someone who isn't out to judge you or to use your vulnerabilities to get power over you. I suppose most of us need such a person, but in your case it seems you haven't had that for too long. I am so hopeful for you.

 

I read your earlier threads and a few questions started crossing my mind. Do you feel apologetic to others more often than not? Do you think you've had people in your life who have treated you unfairly, even used you? How long did they stay in your life? When you are hurt, do you feel angry or ashamed?

 

And if this is too snoopy, just ignore these questions. Maybe I'm simply projecting from the way I was when I was closer to your age (and that was nearly 19 years ago, if I'm remembering right from your earlier threads).

 

I learned to ask myself those questions and when I started delving into them I started getting my power back. I learned to weed out people who were simply using me. It took time and persistence, but if I could do it, anyone could. I used to feel apologetic to everyone about everything.

 

You apologized in advance in case you were repeating yourself. But why shouldn't you repeat yourself if you want to? It's an open forum, and you should post whatever you want to say whenever you want to say it (within forum guidelines, of course). People are under no obligation to read or respond. Who are you hurting if you post? So please never hesitate to say what is on your mind.

 

I have to go to work, but would love to catch up later if you write back. In the meantime, a big hug to you. You're not alone.

 

I've had a really bad couple of days I afraid. Just haven't felt myself and gave in a few times texting him, when he replied in short answers and coldly. He's destroying me, makes me feel shaky and he's like a different person since we were last intimate. He switches off his phone in the evenings (no answerphone) and am dreading tomorrow re any reply he might give. I'm trying not to be too clingy, but don't deserve this treatment and feel quite angry right now. I never usually appear so though and you're right, am always apologising!

[ladydesigner]

I've had a really bad couple of days I afraid. Just haven't felt myself and gave in a few times texting him, when he replied in short answers and coldly. He's destroying me, makes me feel shaky and he's like a different person since we were last intimate. He switches off his phone in the evenings (no answerphone) and am dreading tomorrow re any reply he might give. I'm trying not to be too clingy, but don't deserve this treatment and feel quite angry right now. I never usually appear so though and you're right, am always apologising!

 

Your MM is doing the push-pull dynamic which happens in most A's. I think they do it to "cool things off" either at home or with their AP. It is also a dynamic people with commitment problems have.

 

OP make yourself the priority from now on that way this MM cannot destroy you. Don't let him. No man is THAT important.

[Sabella]

I am so very sorry you are in so much pain. Knowing someone isn't healthy for you and completely removing them from your life is often easier said than done.

 

I do hope you find some strength to allow yourself some happiness. You deserve to be happy.