Help me, this is urgent. Should I tell her?

[minizombie]

I got involved with an attached man (25) last May but he told me he was going to break up with her already. He was actively pursuing me since April while he was still with her. I gave in and we got together (although not officially) and in June, he told me that he finally broke up with her. He told me it's difficult to leave his girlfriend as they have been together for 3 years and their families were close so he needed time for a clean break.

 

However, in July, he told me that his ex-girlfriend's father has cancer and she did not break the news of their break-up to her own family yet. His ex-girlfriend's father dotes on him a lot so he pretended to be her boyfriend for the time being when he visits him at the hospitals or attend their family events. I have told him how insecure I felt about this but he told me he has no choice.

 

They study in the same University course together so they have to interact every day. He makes time to see me in school but only at night after our classes are over. We fought a lot in November and it led to a break-up in December after our exams. The reason for our fights was because his ex-girlfriend tagged him in a Facebook post talking about their graduation trip that they had planned. Of course I was livid, how could he travel with her when he is still with me? He assured me at that point of time he would not be going with her. However, I did not feel assured and was frustrated by how he has to be her 'boyfriend'. I always found it fishy but he always made time for me so I let it slide.

 

After our break-up in December, he told me that actually his family is facing a financial crisis and his ex-girlfriend's family is supporting them, that's why he cannot leave her. I believed his story but today, I found out that in August, they have not even broken up yet. His ex-girlfriend still posted a photo of two of them, commemorating their 3rd year anniversary. I feel so torn. I wanted to tell his ex-girlfriend about us but he told me not to, because of the debt he owes her. He said that his ex-girlfriend knows about me but does not care, because she is trying to win him back. But i don't trust him. What should I do? Should I tell her about us? I hate how happy he is to be going back to her, although he claimed that he has no feelings for her anymore and is staying with her just because of the debt. Regardless, I find his actions immoral and I feel that she has the right to be informed.

Edited February 13, 2016 by minizombie

[Mayday2016]

"I hate how happy he is"

 

Being vindictive will get you nowhere.

[anika99]

Don't know why you are calling her his ex girlfriend when she is clearly not an ex. He is telling you some pretty far fetched tales. His gf's family is supporting his family while her father is dying with cancer? I highly doubt that. Why on earth would his family be relying on the family of his gf for financial support when they already have a full plate with the dad having a terminal illness? Lol what a bunch of nonsense he is telling you.

 

You could talk to his gf. At least then you would understand how much he is lying to you. But don't expect the gf to be grateful to you for coming to her. She will probably be very angry to find out that her BF is a liar and a cheater and she is likely to direct some of that anger at you so talking to her will cause some drama.

 

You could just open your eyes to reality, say nothing and walk away with some dignity. Even if the stories this guy is feeding are totally true (highly unlikely) it means he is not available for a relationship. If he can't break up with his gf because he is so indebted to her family then fine, he needs to honor that and stop messing around with you. This guy is dishonourable and he uses people. He is dishonest and sneaky. He lied to you about breaking up with her last June. Why do want a person who is so selfish and entitled?

[S2B]

No, don't tell her.

 

Just tell him goodbye.

[OneLov]

I agree. Leave it. He's her problem now. You'll thank yourself in six months.

 

 

I can't believe he told you that he had to pretend to be with her for the sake of her dying father. Wow.

[Hip Pocket]

Hi minizombie, I'm a long time OW and I've heard a lot of plausible stories but this one is a doozie if you ask me. He's not even M but he needs to play a member of the family to her sick grandfather? Her family is supporting his family? I don't know mini, sounds like tall tales to me.

 

I wouldn't deal with his (clearly present) girlfriend, I'd deal directly with him. If you're willing to continue on while he spends time with her and her family then do so but I would demand to know the truth. My guy is M and tells me everything, and if I thought he was lying I'd dump him like a hot potato. I can handle this type of R as long as I am getting the truth.

 

My MM once told me after my D that he didn't want to share me with anyone else but if I felt I needed to find a full time partner he just didn't want to be told about it. I told him that I didn't want to have a R with secrets, he either manned up and took the truth or we end it there because I don't play games and hide lovers. If I were to take another lover he'd have to hear about it. That was a pivotal time in our R and it brought everything out in the open. We are closer than ever for it.

 

Telling his gf will likely bring a lot of drama. You may be seeking the truth but she may see it as seeking drama. She may not believe a word you say and get him to turn on you. Best to deal directly with him. After all, he's the one you are have a R with.

 

Best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

You two broke up in December, he's your exAP. Leave it alone and just focus on letting go and grieving. You chose to get involved with someone who had a partner already, thoughts of telling never entered your head until now so really is it revenge based? Do you genuinely care about his partner or are you hoping they will break up and he'll come back to you?

[minizombie]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

 

I only got involved with him when he said that he's leaving his girlfriend and in June/July when he told me he broke up with her already, I believed him and went ahead with our relationship. No I do not want him back and I can't believe I was so naive to believe all of his lies. His story was so convincing, he even went into great details about his family's debt etc. Why is he so afraid of me telling on his girlfriend? Moreover, why did his girlfriend block me on Facebook? Is he manipulating her too?

 

If he didn't love her, why have an emotional affair with me for so long? I don't understand. I would not take him back because I can never trust him again but I can't let this go, I feel so disrespected.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

 

I only got involved with him when he said that he's leaving his girlfriend and in June/July when he told me he broke up with her already, I believed him and went ahead with our relationship. No I do not want him back and I can't believe I was so naive to believe all of his lies. His story was so convincing, he even went into great details about his family's debt etc. Why is he so afraid of me telling on his girlfriend? Moreover, why did his girlfriend block me on Facebook? Is he manipulating her too?

 

If he didn't love her, why have an emotional affair with me for so long? I don't understand. I would not take him back because I can never trust him again but I can't let this go, I feel so disrespected.

 

Either he went into her account and blocked you on his own or he told her to block you and painted you as some crazy stalker, making you the one who chased him and won't leave him alone. He is afraid you'll tell and his lies will come out. He is protecting himself and doesn't want to lose what he has.

 

He's a selfish man, an entitled man, a liar, a cheater and guys like him are nasty so if you tell, be prepared to fight to protect yourself and the fallout that could happen.

 

 

And yes, he is manipulating her too!

[minizombie]

So I decided to confront my ex-boyfriend (who I suspect has been playing me and his current girlfriend along) yesterday night. It wasn't pretty. He told me to leave him alone and he didn't want me back. He said that he's happy with her now and being with me made him realise how nice she was to him and he said that I am the worst person he ever met.

 

I told him I was insecure because he was constantly with his girlfriend (to give a background, he told me he broke up with her but had to pretend to be her boyfriend because her father has cancer. Even after we broke up, he said he has no feelings for her and is only staying because his father owes her family a lot of money, so he's indebted to her). But he kept pointing fingers at me and said that I am just an insecure person and told me that he couldn't stand me anymore.

 

I told him that I will still tell his girlfriend on him and he got really angry. He took my phone away and went to my photo albums (probably to delete proof of us) and whenever I tried to take my phone back, he got physical. He slapped me, choked me and kept pushing me. He even semi-twisted my shoulders to steal my phone from me. I panicked and told people to call the police. Then, he called his girlfriend down to talk to me.

 

The police arrived and THEN the girlfriend arrived. So by then, I did not manage to talk to his girlfriend and I am not sure what he told his girlfriend about me. When I walked over to her and tried to talk to her, she said "it's best we don't talk to each other." I am not even sure if she's aware that he is cheating on her. He may have painted me as a 'psycho girl that can't get over him', not even an ex-girlfriend! After the whole matter, he held her hands in front of me and walked off happily, what a bastard. Throughout our whole relationship he never held my hands in public, saying that he's "not comfortable with public displays of affection". This incident really hurt me a lot. I feel so inferior compared to her and the fact that I made their relationship stronger kills me. I am at loss of what to do. Is she even aware what a cheating liar he is? What if she's so brainwashed by him? Doesn't she deserve to know the truth?

 

Is she really 'better' than me such that he treats her nicer than he treated me? This really hurts my already fragile self-esteem a lot. They are probably back together happily now and he just used me for sex throughout our 7 months relationship or something. I really hate myself.

Edited February 15, 2016 by minizombie

[Mayday2016]

I believe I said on your last post that being vindictive will get you nowhere.

 

He physically assaulted you- get away and stay away. He does not have any care or concern for you and if he's willing to lay hands on you in public, this is not a man you want to be with. Chances are, she knows what he's like so you don't need to save her from him. Just walk away now.

[Popsicle]

Told you.

 

Don't listen to the people here (mostly BS's) that tell you to expose.

 

You have no idea what anyone's snapping point is.

 

Look out for yourself and just move on.

[minizombie]

I believe I said on your last post that being vindictive will get you nowhere.

 

He physically assaulted you- get away and stay away. He does not have any care or concern for you and if he's willing to lay hands on you in public, this is not a man you want to be with. Chances are, she knows what he's like so you don't need to save her from him. Just walk away now.

 

I understand I have to walk away but, I am not sure if she is even aware he is like that. I bet she's even unaware he cheated on her.

[Popsicle]

It won't matter, they'll (both him and her) just call you a bunny boiler and stay together.

[minizombie]

It won't matter, they'll (both him and her) just call you a bunny boiler and stay together.

 

Then why is he so afraid of me telling her? I don't understand. If he really did love her, why pursue me? This is so frustrating. I hate how I made their relationship better.

[Popsicle]

Then why is he so afraid of me telling her? I don't understand. If he really did love her, why pursue me? This is so frustrating. I hate how I made their relationship better.

 

Well, he doesn't know for sure that she will stay with him but she will (plus, I believe she already knows). Cheaters love themselves only.

 

You really have to get over this and let it go. Do not start any more drama because of this. I am saying this for your own benefit.

[minizombie]

Well, he doesn't know for sure that she will stay with him but she will (plus, I believe she already knows). Cheaters love themselves only.

 

You really have to get over this and let it go. Do not start any more drama because of this. I am saying this for your own benefit.

 

Why is he so afraid of losing her then? I don't understand this. I feel so horrible for thinking this, I don't want him back but I wish their relationship would not work out

[RRM321]

She doesn't need you to save her, and the world doesn't need you to expose him. You are going to learn in life that there is only a tiny fraction of people you meet that would ever be worth fighting over.

 

Have you considered moving on and developing a more statistically significant sample of the population?

[bathtub-row]

You're making the assumption that what he's telling you is true. What you're missing is that for a person to become physically violent, they feel entitled and that behavior doesn't end with you. My guess is, their relationship will fall apart eventually. This idiot lives from moment to moment and goes with whatever wind his blowing his way. When things go badly between him and current gf, he'll blame her, call her names, and hit her. Not to mention cheat on her...again.

 

I think you would be wise to see this guy for what he is. You're mistaking his arrogance and crappy behavior for someone who's confident and caring. He cheats, lies, and hits. The truth is, he has never done anything to cause you to believe anything he says. Maybe it's time to remove the blinders.

[minizombie]

You're making the assumption that what he's telling you is true. What you're missing is that for a person to become physically violent, they feel entitled and that behavior doesn't end with you. My guess is, their relationship will fall apart eventually. This idiot lives from moment to moment and goes with whatever wind his blowing his way. When things go badly between him and current gf, he'll blame her, call her names, and hit her. Not to mention cheat on her...again.

 

I think you would be wise to see this guy for what he is. You're mistaking his arrogance and crappy behavior for someone who's confident and caring. He cheats, lies, and hits. The truth is, he has never done anything to cause you to believe anything he says. Maybe it's time to remove the blinders.

 

But what if he isn't crappy to her because she is so nice to him? I felt that he only got violent because I provoked him. I'm so sorry i just feel really down now and I can't help but feel that he loves her more because she is better than me, so he would never treat her badly. He said he realize how nice she was after he met me so I doubt he would cheat again. I basically re-ignited the spark in their relationship.

[minizombie]

I would like to thank you all for your replies and I hope I can get more input, I feel so horrible and down. I am seeing my counsellor on Thursday but as of now I am not coping very well

[bathtub-row]

I would like to thank you all for your replies and I hope I can get more input, I feel so horrible and down. I am seeing my counsellor on Thursday but as of now I am not coping very well

 

You feel this way because that's how he wanted you to feel. It's likely that you don't have a clue as to what goes on in the mind of an abuser. When threatened, they say whatever they can in order to stick the knife in and twist it. He abused you subtly from day one but you never saw it. He has done nothing but lie to you so there's no reason to believe him now.

 

Do you honestly think that people just flip their feelings that quickly? It just doesn't work that way. I see this over and over again where the woman thinks the guy is gone for good and then, out of the blue, he rears his ugly head again. It doesn't matter whether you hear from him again or not, it doesn't matter what ignorant words come out of his mouth - abusers LOVE to control and manipulate. They love to cause depression and uncertainty if you understood his this guy thinks, you would shudder and then run very far away.

 

I can almost guarantee you that his gf has been hurt and abused the same way you have. And I'll bet she doesn't believe a word he says about what happened with you. That's why I say their relationship will fall apart. Her doubts and his lies will start to degrade the relationship. This guy is not capable of love. He puts on a great show, but he is all about control and manipulation. That's his love. The person you love doesn't exist.

Edited February 15, 2016 by bathtub-row

[minizombie]

You feel this way because that's how he wanted you to feel. It's likely that you don't have a clue as to what goes on in the mind of an abuser. When threatened, they say whatever they can in order to stick the knife in and twist it. He abused you subtly from day one but you never saw it. He has done nothing but lie to you so there's no reason to believe him now.

 

Do you honestly think that people just flip their feelings that quickly? It just doesn't work that way. I see this over and over again where the woman thinks the guy is gone for good and then, out of the blue, he rears his ugly head again. It doesn't matter whether you hear from him again or not, it doesn't matter what ignorant words come out of his mouth - abusers LOVE to control and manipulate. They love to cause depression and uncertainty if you understood his this guy thinks, you would shudder and then run very far away.

 

I can almost guarantee you that his gf has been hurt and abused the same way you have. And I'll bet she doesn't believe a word he says about what happened with you. That's why I say their relationship will fall apart. Her doubts and his lies will start to degrade the relationship. This guy is not capable of love. He puts on a great show, but he is all about control and manipulation. That's his love. The person you love doesn't exist.

 

I know I shouldn't believe his lies but he really was very convincing. Perhaps she knows about me but she doesn't care. I don't know, she is pretty desperate to win him back while he was with me. They had a long history together so I think that was why it was easier for them to reconcile. The reason why he left her and pursued me was because they kept quarrelling and he felt that she doesn't care about him. Now after having met me, she realised she was losing him and wanted to win him back and he also realised how nice she was treating him. What if he wasn't a manipulator and all his stories were true? He did love me, but towards the end of our relationship we kept fighting and that's why he left to go back to her. I'm sorry i'm rambling so much I can't control my emotions right now.

[whichwayisup]

I understand I have to walk away but, I am not sure if she is even aware he is like that. I bet she's even unaware he cheated on her.

 

It doesn't matter. What matters is you! Your self esteem, your mental health, your healing. Forget him, forget her. You get no say in what happens to them as a couple, if she chooses to stay with him, so be it. Let it go and NEVER contact either of them again.

 

HE assaulted you, in public! He said some very cruel and hurtful things to you as well so it should be enough for you to move on and don't look back.

 

Please get counseling, the affair has taken a toll on you, he's messed you up too.

[aussietigerwolf]

My abusive ex said the same things to me... How horrible his ex was and how she would cheat on him all the time. I was so much nicer then her and so on. Didn't stop him from treating me the same as her. I bet he's telling the next one how horrible I am.