Do I Tell a Married Co-worker About My Feelings for Her?

[niser1]

There is a female co-worker that I’ve come to care a lot about. We are both married. She and I enjoy each others company and always have a great time when we go out for lunch together. When we went out for lunch last Friday, I suggested we get together for a drink after work sometime and she seemed interested in that.

 

I have never done anything like this before. I have not yet expressed my feelings to her. I thought with Valentine’s Day tomorrow this may be a good opportunity to give her a card showing my feelings for her. Would this be a mistake or should I take the chance? I don’t want to lose the friendship we have now.

[MsMree]

Think the whole scenario through - here are some questions you must ask yourself:

 

What do you hope to gain? Are you willing to pay the price of 1) losing the friendship 2) sleeping w/her and hurting your wife? If/when things do not work out, how will you handle working together?

 

My suggestion - BACK OFF! Do not act on your feelings - perhaps if you keep your cool you feel'gs will eventually subside.

 

If you have learned anything from reading these posts you will know that there is more pain involved w/relationships w/married partners than there is happiness - you have the opportuntity to not enter into this.

 

Finally, I met my MM @ work (i do believe i am in the majority) and let me tell you - there have been numerous times that i wanted to end my relationship but the fact that we work in close proximity to one another has been the biggest stumbling block - my how it would be easier if i could end the relationship and not have to see him every friggin day!!!

 

You know the answer to this... if you are look'g for anyone to co-sign your want'g to tell her, you've probably come to the wrong place.

[lynnered]

HAVE YOU READ ANY OF THESE POSTS!!??!!

TURN AROUND DO NOT PASS GO ,YOU ARE MARRIED SHE IS MARRIED ,YOU WORK TOGETHER ,

YOU ARE MARRIED AND HERE YOU ARE TALKING LIKE A SINGLE GUY .

IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT HER LEAVE HER ALONE AT LEAST UNTIL YOUR SINGLE .

YOU GIVE NO BACKGROUND ARE YOU HAPPY AT HOME ?KIDS ?BESIDES HERS HOW MANY LIVES ARE YOU PLANNING ON SCREWING UP?

I JUST ENDED 4 YRS WITH A MM ,MY BEST FRIEND WAS MARRIED CHEATED 2 TIMES THE SECOND TIME AFTER 4 MONTHS SHE LEFT HER HUSBAND ,SHE WAS UNHAPPY BEFORE OBV SHE WAS SCREWING AROUND ,SHE LIVES WITH THIS GUY ,SHE'S MISERABLE ,SO IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS MESSED UP GET OUT THEN PURSUE HER .

HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT HAPPY,STILL YOU DIDN'T GIVE ENOUGH BACKGROUND.

IF YOU HAVEN'T READ SOME OF THE POSTS ,DO THAT ,TRY TO FEEL SOME OF THE PAIN THESE WOMAN HAVE GONE THROUGH ,BECAUSE OF A MAN IN PROBLY HALF CASES BEING SELFISH .LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS.

JUST AN OPION YOU'LL GET MORE .

[Leaf]

Dont do it!!!!!!! This will only end in a disaster. Truuuuuuuuuuuuuust us!

[DinNJ]

Do I Tell a Married Co-worker About My Feelings for Her?

 

no

 

Next???

[newby]

bad idea

[whichwayisup]

Please read my response to this thread...I think it will help you before you make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE!!!!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56489/

 

In this thread is a woman similar to your situation. EVERYBODY jumped in to discourage her from making the biggest mistake of her life...She I think has got it and understands what was about to happen.

 

Go around and read some threads in Infidelity. See the pain these affairs cause. Do some thinking and homework before you do this.

[johan]

I once had feelings for a short time for a married woman. There were others I developed friendships with, but never intended to go farther. Any kind of beyond-professional involvement with co-workers now turns me off if I even just think about it. Lunches, long visits just bs-ing, personal emails or instant messaging, all of it. There is a woman at work now who I could get close to if I wanted, and the whole idea just makes me feel ill. I lose respect for people I see crossing "the line" all the time. Whether they are married or not.

 

Consider this is a sign you need to look back at your homelife and arrange things there so that you aren't tempted anymore. Either fix your marriage or get out of it. If you have this temptation now, you'll act on it at some point, and the potential for unintended consequences is huge. Take the high road and be someone you would admire.

 

Think about ALL of the consequences:

1) loss of respect from your co-workers and superiors,

2) destruction of one or more families (maybe you think this will just be a casual thing you can walk away from?)

3) possible incompatibility: there is something about the safe environment you get into with someone like that at the office. They seem SO great. Then when you get what you want you often realize that you didn't have any idea what kind of person they really are.

4) whatever kind of relationship you have, as immature as it is, probably couldn't survive the trauma of two divorces at once.

5) in spite of what you think you know, you really have no idea what goes on at home. You have no clue how deep her feelings for her husband are. You could be in for quite a ride if you try to strap yourself to her.

6) are you sure you love and respect your own wife/family so little that you could go through with it?

7) In the eyes of God, you'll live with the stain of adultery on your soul, and you'll have to answer for it somehow. And if you don't believe in God, it's possible you'll know that stain is there regardless. You're letting yourself down almost as much as you are letting your family down.

8) If her marriage isn't going well, how is she contributing to that? Are you thinking that she's a reliable person if, when things get hard, she starts messing around with other guys at work?

9) If she gets serious about you, she could easily start thinking you're also not marriage material. You're a cheater. What happens when things get boring for you at home? You start messing around with easy married chicks at work.

 

I guarantee some or all of this will get to you. You'd be smart to back off.

[tiki]

Get over yourself and go show your wife some attention.

[Moose]

Don't do it.

 

Now, where in the heck did DinNJ get my baby pic????

[DinNJ]

self portrait. Diggin' me aren't ya?

[Moose]

Originally posted by DinNJ

self portrait. Diggin' me aren't ya?

It's awesome!!! The most realistic photo I've seen in a while! (There's soooooo many fake ones out there nowadays!)

[DinNJ]

I'm feeling this one too.....

[erika2610]

Nonononono.. trust me. I met my MM at work.. I wish I had NEVER done it. It only causes alot of heartbreak.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by MsMree

Think the whole scenario through - here are some questions you must ask yourself:

 

What do you hope to gain? Are you willing to pay the price of 1) losing the friendship 2) sleeping w/her and hurting your wife? If/when things do not work out, how will you handle working together?

 

My suggestion - BACK OFF! Do not act on your feelings - perhaps if you keep your cool you feel'gs will eventually subside.

 

If you have learned anything from reading these posts you will know that there is more pain involved w/relationships w/married partners than there is happiness - you have the opportuntity to not enter into this.

 

Finally, I met my MM @ work (i do believe i am in the majority) and let me tell you - there have been numerous times that i wanted to end my relationship but the fact that we work in close proximity to one another has been the biggest stumbling block - my how it would be easier if i could end the relationship and not have to see him every friggin day!!!

 

I met mine at work. I was a waitress and he was my cook. We worked the same exact schedule. I thought when we broke up (after a year) that it was gonna be just horrible. It was at first.. then after a while, not very long, it wasn't very tough. The best thing you can do (and the most fun:)) is walk by and just ignore him. I don't know what type of work you do.. but me, I would just walk by. not say a word. I would stand there waiting for my food and make snappy lil comments about him.. but the whole thing so much easier. And everybody commended me for just ignoring him.. being the bigger person.

You know the answer to this... if you are look'g for anyone to co-sign your want'g to tell her, you've probably come to the wrong place.

[Devildog]

Should I run with scissors?

 

Wearing a suit of armor in an electrical storm: good idea?

 

Why can't I wear a pork chop necklace and jump into Big Cat Country at the zoo?

 

Should I tell my wife the dress makes her butt look big?

[erika2610]

What?

[Devildog]

My subtle little way of saying "What a stupid question, did you really need to ask it?"

[erika2610]

I actually understood that right after I said 'what?' I get a lil stupid after working all night..

[Devildog]

A fellow Vampire?

[erika2610]

Yeppers..unfortunately..

[Devildog]

LOL, sucks don't it?

[Phit2BTied]

[font=courier new][/font][color=indigo][/color]Hi..new to the forum and this was the first post I read, go figure. In a word....NO....you are both married! Is there no sanctity for that institution anymore? Personally, I think you should expend your energy on your wife. Being attracted to another person is'nt a sin, but ACTING on it is another story. You can CHOOSE not to act on your impulses, thats what separates us from beasts.

 

Perhaps you can take your wife out for that dinner, spend some time rekindling your romance with her...your marriage, your wife, they are'nt an empty bic lighter that you can toss away for a new one. And you probably dont want to hear this but...if your love life at home is lacking, you are just as much at fault as your wife. You want to tell someone how you feel? Tell your wife and start repairing what ever it is that makes you want to cheat on her.

 

If after you have done that, you still want to cheat on her and ruin your marriage, then she is better off without you.

[MsMree]

"Phit" - you sound like you are not an OW/OM - not that i don't agree w/your mess'g to stay away, but your delivery sonds a little bitter, perhaps you are W or H.

 

Am I right??

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by niser1

I thought with Valentine’s Day tomorrow this may be a good opportunity to give her a card showing my feelings for her. Would this be a mistake or should I take the chance? I don’t want to lose the friendship we have now.

 

Did you tell her? All morality aside - think of it as a matter of risks outweighing benefits if she feels the same way you do and wants to initiate an affair.

 

Benefits:

1. You get to finally have sex with each other.

2. You get to have a "sex buddy" with whom you can unload all of your problems/fears/whatever that you feel you can't share with your W or she with her H.

3. You both get to rediscover passion - that blinding, obsessive, crazy sex kind that eventually ends and/or dims in all long term relationships.

4. You get to go home after vacationing in each other's beds and bodies.

 

Risks:

1. Guilt - once the O's are over, there will be that inevitable guilt. You may not think so, but once you roll over and wipe off - somewhere deep down you'll begin to wonder when you are going to get caught and what will happen when you do.

2. Eventually the needs you have for each other will outgrow their original boundaries - once you find that your OW or OM begins subbing in for the W or H you realize: ooops! I already have a H or a W, I certainly don't need another one - and you'll go through the inevitable breakup.

3. See #3 above, with emphasis on the second part - once the glow wears off and the blinders drop you'll wonder why you are doing what it is you are doing. Sex with strangers is always more intense than sex with with someone you have known and been with - naturally, as those 'unknowns' are what make it so passionate and crazy. I think of those 'unknowns' as "98% wishful thinking and 2% delusion". You are having sex with a fantasy, more or less and when that fantasy becomes a real person... well, it changes. You will find yourself wanting the fantasy back.

4. Your H and your W will suspect and eventually find out. Don't fool yourself. Unless you are living with an emotionally desensitized, delusional or completely self absorbed H or W - they will know something is up. They might not say anything to you, but they will know. You'll be living tense for a while. You'll wonder if they are checking up on you and you'll be paranoid.

5. Family disruption - once the cat and dog are out of the bag, its likely the H or W will expose you to each other's spouses, peers, co-workers, family - a good deal of advice that goes to betrayed spouses encourages this.

6. Job security - does your company frown on interoffice affairs? I worked for a company that would fire or transfer employees if it became apparent they were dating and/or getting married.

7. Divorce or separation. Some H or W are very unforgiving. If one or both of you get forced out - then you are looking at some financial difficulty at the very least and a very sticky situation if either the H or W are forgiving while the other is not. One of you will be divorced and scraping by, and the other will be thanking his/her lucky stars that the marriage could be fixed. Or, you could both be divorced. Then you'll lose everything and just have each other. You'll trade in everything you have and know for what amounts to consummation of sexual curiosity for a coworker.

 

I guess it depends really on what you already have, and how willing you are to take a gamble and lose it all. For all I know you both have abysmal, loveless, abusive marriages and will find true love in each other - but if you are fairly content with what you have and she is fairly content with what she has then understand this: that affair will drive a stake right through the heart of the matter. It takes a long time to come back from something like that.