Where does it end?

[AllabitJeremyKyle]

First time posting so pls forgive any terminology mistakes, here's my story:

 

I'm a MW recently finished an affair with a MM. This isn't my first affair / one night stand but it's the first my husband is aware of. The reasons why I'm still married are a mystery even to me but for many years my husband and I have co-habited rather than 'live' together and whilst I am very fond of him we are not intimate and there is no possibility of a reconciliation in that sense. We have no children.

 

Met MM through work and fell head over heels in love. I felt alive, he was my lover and my best friend and I loved being with him. His wife was aware of our 'friendship' and hated it and this caused some tension whenever we met, (we live in a small town and my husband / his wife work in the same building). The affair burnt out for the most part early last year but continued in occasional flare-ups until Dec. I think we both found it difficult to let go.

 

As is inevitable, we got caught. I don't know the full details (I suspect MM talked but I'll never know) but someone told his wife and there has been some issues! My husband has been quite calm all things considered, I've been lucky but I've had to stress to him the distance in our own relationship and this has caused him pain which I regret. My MM has 'confessed everything' to his wife (literally, sexual positions the lot) and has thrown me under the bus in an effort to save himself and his relationship. I'm reeling a bit from this as I've not managed yet to stop loving him. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's how it is.

 

Now for the reason I'm writing - his wife has taken it very hard. It's understandable, I do get that, and from what I've heard they are moving on and working on their marriage - however part of that process involves attacking me. I've been followed whilst out and laughed at. I've had items I've gifted him returned (smashed) on my property, pornographic images and threatening comments left on my car whilst I've been at work and I've had to involve the Police. I'm scared to leave home and I'm scared to return as I don't know what I'll find. My husband has also seen the pornographic stuff which has added to my humiliation (and his) and I don't know where this will end. As my husband and his wife work together in responsible positions and are now involved in a Police investigation there is that still to come. She may end up losing her job due to her actions.

 

Obviously I don't feel great and know I've been stupid. I just wanted to write this to clear some of the chaos in my head. I am sorry for what I've done. We were over and it was amicable - until we were 'revealed'. Now it's one heck of a mess of negative emotion. I still miss him. I miss feeling liked by someone - I'm not liked by anyone right now - and I'm under constant surveillance by my husband in case of more revenge attacks by her or I try and hurt myself I feel so low. I feel like I'm in prison and I keep thinking about how good it was once and how it got to here? I can't see any light in the tunnel right now and I don't know what to do, other than keep breathing. Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Midwestmissy]

She's feeling immense pain but she is out of line. Are there children? Because they need adults around them acting like adults. You sound remorseful. I'm sorry, I do hope bringing the police in helps quell it.

 

It does show how there's no control in an affair. I'm sure had you anticipated her reaction you wouldn't have done this. Unfortunately we can't control people's reactions, even if acting criminally seems unimaginable. Best of luck to you.

[Gigi2015]

Unless you have physical proof to the contrary, it will be legally summed you had just as much intention as she did...this is an unusual scenario as BS/OW generally simply stay way from one other despite feelings. Install a camera in your driveway....even better submit an apology letter....

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. Do you still work with the MM? AND your H works with the BS? Ugh!!

 

My advise is put some distance between all of you. When you're desperately hurting just reading a name on a business memo can hurt.... I know! My H had a work affair at a large famous company. Even catching adverts on TV can trigger me!

 

The fall out from A can last a very long time. Hopefully the police involvement will put a stop to the criminal, scary stuff. Being a blindsided BS is the most painful, emotionally insane experience of my life. I never sort revenge but I can understand pretty much ANYTHING after d-day.

 

I know you didn't expect these ramifications. All you can do now is keep your head down. You will drive yourself crazy trying to guess what the MM has told her & why he's behaving in this (oh too common) way.

 

Do you want your M to survive? If you do read the posts at the very top of the infidelity forum. They will help you start to work on your M. I know it can be seen as selfish but all you can do is focus on fixing yourself. The MM made this mess in his home & it's to him to clean it up (if that's ever possible) there's nothing you can do.

 

Deep breath. Just keep breathing. I can't guess how long it will last but "This too shall pass". Please NEVER do anything like this again. My brother took his own life as a result of adultery. It's excruciating. NEVER be complicit in causing another human being this kind of pain again. That's all you can do

[Popsicle]

The ironic thing is, she is probably not punishing her WH in the same way or much at all. You're the one she has chosen to take her anger out on, since she has chosen to stay with him despite him cheating on her. That anger has to go somewhere.

 

What does your H say about her antics?

[Satu]

OP:

 

You'd probably benefit for some therapy focused on helping you find ways of getting your needs met in a healthy way.

 

Give that idea some thought.

[Satu]

The ironic thing is, she is probably not punishing her WH in the same way or much at all. You're the one she has chosen to take her anger out on, since she has chosen to stay with him despite him cheating on her. That anger has to go somewhere.

 

What does your H say about her antics?

 

It's classic projection.

[13Hearts]

What BW is doing is just wrong. And dangerous. You are right to avoid that mess entirely (do not apologize, she has now put you all way past the point where that can happen) and your husband is right to keep a close eye on you. IDK what it is about people when it comes to relationships and children, they start acting fricking insane. I mean I'm sorry she is hurt but she needs to get a grip on herself and stop acting like a 16-year old. Is there any way you can get a transfer out of that town and still keep your job?

 

If your marriage is over, maybe you should start thinking about divorce so you can feel what it is like to be on your own, have a new adventure, and eventually find a nice single guy to have fun with.

[Parannonx]

Honestly, you don't seem remorseful at all.

 

While that doesn't justify her behavior you really shouldn't be surprised that **** can go sideways in these situations. Otherwise calm gentle people end up committing murder over affairs.

 

The willful ignoring of such potential consequences was no small part in my losing respect for my wife's judgement when she cheated. The potential drama and trauma her actions exposed our family to are appalling and the fact that she never even considered it was truly flabergasting.

 

Yours should be a cautionary tail for any potential cheaters reading this forum for just how badly an affair can go wrong.

 

My advice to you is the same I give to every cheater, figure out why you have so little respect for yourself and others and learn how to live life in an ethical and honorable manner where you don't put your selfish desires above the health of others.

 

Because I don't see any awareness in your post of how horrible your actions where to either your husband or your AP's wife.

 

Given that you are an unrepentant cheat, I further suggest that you let your husband go so he can find someone worthy of love and you move far away and remain single and stay out of other people's marriages until you learn how to be a decent human being.

[AllabitJeremyKyle]

Little bit more clarification. I have asked my husband for a divorce, many times over many years (we've been together forever) but he gets upset and I back down. He's been unfaithful to me too, it's very dysfunctional in a conventional sense but in another way it works for us. I do love him dearly, we're very good friends but I do want more and this is 'laziness' on both our parts to separate is probably a major reason why this has occurred. We've grown apart, past the point where most would split but we've remained together because it's easier financially and emotionally and he won't let me go and I won't push him away. I know this has hurt him but in my 'defence' I'd moved out the bedroom long ago and would never cheat on him in a physical sense. I couldn't understand how my MM could sleep with both his wife and me at the same time. I'm beginning to understand that I DON'T understand an awful lot about anything anymore.

 

You're right - I need to divorce. It's that or live the rest of my life with no sex and I'm too young for no fun and too old to go through anything like this again..

 

MM and I don't work together any longer. And despite the current tensions I do feel achingly sad for his wife. One of the items I mentioned earlier was a framed portrait (I'm a photographer) of their pet that I'd gifted them as a housewarming many months ago. She'd ran over it in her car. Nevermind the rest of the smashed up memories I picked up out the lawn that day that one took a special kind of anger. I know she is suffering immensely, it broke me to see it and I can only imagine what it (I) did to her.

 

As for MM? He's blocked me in every possible way, I can't reach out to him even if I wanted to. I don't know if he hates me, loves me, misses me but I DO know she'll be giving him hell. He was always a bit of a possession for her (she wanted to put a tracker on his phone etc) and she's telling everyone how they are moving on so he's probably getting laid more that he thought possible whilst at the same time banned from ever leaving the house. It's not healthy there either but I'm still jealous. I'm trying not to think about it so of course I think about it constantly. I miss him and love him and hate him and I need to let it go.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'll post again once things have settled down a bit. Thanks again for listening to my 'venting', I do take on board everything said to me. I'm definitely going to look into getting therapy - for purely selfish reasons as I need someone to talk to! This board, and the Police have been my only outlets to date so thank you for being here.

 

(Thanks anyway to the non-horrid ones, some of you are just 'no words').

Edited February 6, 2016 by AllabitJeremyKyle

[ladydesigner]

What BW is doing is just wrong. And dangerous. You are right to avoid that mess entirely (do not apologize, she has now put you all way past the point where that can happen) and your husband is right to keep a close eye on you. IDK what it is about people when it comes to relationships and children, they start acting fricking insane. I mean I'm sorry she is hurt but she needs to get a grip on herself and stop acting like a 16-year old. Is there any way you can get a transfer out of that town and still keep your job?

 

If your marriage is over, maybe you should start thinking about divorce so you can feel what it is like to be on your own, have a new adventure, and eventually find a nice single guy to have fun with.

 

Why when a BS reacts badly do the OW always say she is acting like a teenager? While I don't agree with her actions I understand her anger and why she would be reacting that way. I was like a time bomb after Dday, nothing could have stopped my reactions unfortunately.

 

I eventually went on medication and sought therapy which has helped me tremendously. I don't think most people know how they would react until put in that exact situation.

[Parannonx]

Your AP isn't your problem, what you had with him was never real. It was a fantasy that you shared but it was never more than a fantasy. That's something that you need to understand and internalize.

 

His feelings for you are immaterial at this point, he's no better or worse in this situation than you are.

 

As far as your marriage goes, personally I think that you should probably insist on divorce, unless you truly love your husband.

 

If it's just the physical intimacy that you lack or truly a difference in sex drives then perhaps an open relationship would be a viable option for you. Assuming that your husband can handle it.

 

That said I see that as more of an option for couples who are truly committed and honest with each other but want a little extra excitement. There is nothing wrong with an open relationship as long as all parties involved are aware and consent.

 

The problem with cheating is that it involves people in relationships under terms that they were never given the opportunity to agree to or were even aware of.

 

You say that your husband won't give you a divorce, why does he have a veto? If you want a divorce, see a lawyer and get one. While I believe that he deserves the right to knowingly consent to your relationship, he does not have the right to keep you in one that you don't want to be in.

 

This comes back to what I always say about self respect. You need to work on your own self respect so that you can live an honest life. Particularly with yourself.

 

Part of that is to have enough respect for yourself to make decisions that are best for you. Yes divorcing him will cause him pain, but it will be an honest pain that can be gotten past.

 

You staying in a dysfunction relationship where you are miserable denies you your right to consent to the terms of the relationship.

 

While it may seem just as selfish as cheating, it's not abusive or unethical to dissolve a relationship that isn't working. Far more so than to live a lie.

 

I am sorry that you are in this mess even if it's one you created for yourself. I know that we can get caught up in situations and that it is difficult to see reality when we are too close to it.

[13Hearts]

Why when a BS reacts badly do the OW always say she is acting like a teenager? While I don't agree with her actions I understand her anger and why she would be reacting that way. I was like a time bomb after Dday, nothing could have stopped my reactions unfortunately.

 

I eventually went on medication and sought therapy which has helped me tremendously. I don't think most people know how they would react until put in that exact situation.

 

Oh, my response about acting like a teenager had nothing to do with my experiences as an OW. My response was ENTIRELY to do with the fact that I have acted that way in the past. And probably worse! Lord, if you only knew! I have been on the other side of this story, although not married, my ex-fiance cheated on me when I was in my 20s, and the consequences of that cheating became my nightmare! I totally flipped out in more ways than you can imagine. I destroyed my entire kitchen. I became so paranoid he was lying to and manipulating me that I started to stalk him. I had a DENT in my thigh for YEARS afterward, from a physical altercation I had with him where I fell onto a piece of furniture. Oh believe me, I could have been crowned Queen of Reacting Like a Teenager!

 

I can clearly identify acting out when I see it (or read about it). I'm not saying BW is not justified in her feelings. What I'm saying is she's out of control. Angry? Fine. Break stuff? That's OK. But don't start putting the broken stuff in people's driveways, showing up at their jobs, threatening their children, crap like that. She needs to recognize she needs to get it under control and reach out for help with it. I did and I too was medicated. If I hadn't, I doubt I would have survived it.

[ShatteredLady]

I truly don't understand how you could experience all of that AND still inflict worse pain on another human being! She's married with family...that's even worse than being engaged. Her entire life is invested in that selfish plonker!

 

Why?

 

You're still digging at her. She's not treating him like a possession by tracking him. She's broken & lost!

 

Years ago I had the opportunity to visit the main prison/mental hospital for the criminally insane in the UK. I could enter the maximum security unit for women (with protection) but wasn't allowed close to the ward where the male serial killers etc were housed. Reason being, typically, men hurt others & women are more likely to hurt themselves in the same situation.

 

Obviously medical, psychological treatment is the best solution but it's actually healthier for her to take it out on you than herself.

 

Even with your life experience you don't appear to grasp the magnitude of the damage you've inflicted on that woman. Maybe it's just the way you write.

 

I have sympathy for all human beings experiencing extreme pain but you are a serial abuser. I'm sorry that your home life isn't all you want it to be but that's no excuse. Please sort your life out. The next BS might hurt herself like I did & my brother did & you could find yourself living with the knowledge that you're complicit in another's scars or death. These aren't games.

[S2B]

If you divorce (which you did mention) you could move to another area. Distance and a new beginning would do you some good.

 

If you want a divorce you don't need your husbands permission - you simply file and wait the alloted time.

 

Life's too short - make changes that make you happy.

[anika99]

MM and I don't work together any longer. And despite the current tensions I do feel achingly sad for his wife. One of the items I mentioned earlier was a framed portrait (I'm a photographer) of their pet that I'd gifted them as a housewarming many months ago. She'd ran over it in her car. Nevermind the rest of the smashed up memories I picked up out the lawn that day that one took a special kind of anger. I know she is suffering immensely, it broke me to see it and I can only imagine what it (I) did to her.

 

You were pretending to be a friend to her. Sat in her house and gave her (and him) a gift. Then she found out you were messing with her husband the whole time. I can totally see why the sight of your gift sent her into a rage where she smashed it and dumped it back at your place. She must of felt so humiliated, so foolish, at having invited you into her house and accepting your gift, like she was the butt of a cruel and nasty joke. I'm not even a BW and I can understand how that gift would make her just seethe with rage.

 

She wasn't trying to treat her husband like a possession, her intuition knew something was going on and she was understandably desperate to find out what it was. Sad for her that she can't get it together enough to realize she has to leave you alone no matter how how justifiable her anger is. She's already been devastated by the affair and now she's going to suffer even more consequences for her lack of self-control because she just doesn't know how to cope with the overwhelming feelings of being betrayed and made a fool of. I feel bad for her and hope she finds the support she needs.

[AllabitJeremyKyle]

I realise I've made a huge mistake in posting here. I did post in this section because I wanted to reach out to people in MY position who understand what it's like to have made a mistake, let people down and yes, miss someone they can't have. Instead I've made myself a victim of trolling and abuse from BS's who seem to take a bit of pleasure in kicking someone already down.

 

I'm going to ask the Mods to close this thread, this has been bullying masquerading as 'honesty and advice' and I'm sorry you feel justified in attacking someone who has come here for support. Yes I'm a bad, bad person but I'm also alive and hurting and very sentient to the problems I've caused. NO ONE is an innocent victim in this, I chose not to write more as this is MY story, not his, hers or anyone else's. I know I put myself in this position and opened myself up to this abuse but if I can't post safely and anonymously on a board for affair partners then where can I go? Oh yeah, I'm to go far away preferably ringing a bell as a warning to others to steer clear of me. Thanks to those of you who have shared some crumbs of support alongside your disgust. It's been a learning experience.

 

NO MORE COMMENTS PLEASE.

[goodyblue]

Yeah, there are some BS who think they own the forums, but some advice has been good. Take what you need and ignore the rest.

 

As for the BS, you were right to contact the police. Hopefully they will put a stop to this. I will never understand why people think it is ok to act like Betty Broderick either but it does happen. Just be careful, and worry about you.

 

Good luck.

[lemondrop21]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say thank you for sharing this and I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It sounds awful to have MM so suddenly cut himself off from you and for you to then get additional harassment from BW. I agree with the suggestions for therapy, at least so you have someone to talk to who is non-judgmental (make sure to ask first if they are okay working with a OW).

 

This post reminds me how horrifying the end of affairs can be and makes me so glad that I am stepping away prior to a D Day. I needed this extra motivation today. Thanks again for sharing.