harrietthespy Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 new here and looking for advice. i hope that i have come to the right place! i have told no one about my situation and it has been going on for 3 years. i am MOW and he is mm. no idea where to start or if anyone will read but i need help. this relationship for lack of a better word has been just that, we have been friends and lovers and on occasion worked together in construction. the current problem i'm facing is this.... it's been way too long since he has wanted to meet up for sex. use to be 3 to 4 times in a month now its weeks between meets. im always getting the i'm busy text, understand he owns his own business and at times that excuse is legit, but i have in the past few months found out that he has a girl that works for him that doesnt look like just an employee. i have asked him about her and he says if he doesn't have time for me then he can't possibly have time for her. i let it go. we have had a few big arguements lately and im wondering if he is sleeping with her or am i making it look that way? i love my husband but there is something missing that he will never be able to fix and this person fills that void. we use to be each others escape, we lived out fantasies with each other. and now its like he's in another mood. they change more frequently then the seasons but i just dont know weather to sit back and ride it out or snoop and see if he is sleeping with this other girl? im not an uneducated woman, i looked him up and know quite a bit about him, things he doesn't know that i know. i didn't go into this planning on hurting anyone or getting hurt, i just want to know whats going on. i can share more if anyone is interested. please someone offer some advice Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Long story short, you two used each other for sex now he's moving on to greener pastures. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author harrietthespy Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 thats the thing we have been up and down for 3 years. he isn't moving on. he still texts and calls. i know its a relationship based on a lie but we keep things real between us. I know that it is very possible that he is lying to me while sleeping with her, but if hes not and i pick at it, it could be devastating to what we have. do i leave it alone or look deeper? Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 new here and looking for advice. i hope that i have come to the right place! i have told no one about my situation and it has been going on for 3 years. i am MOW and he is mm. no idea where to start or if anyone will read but i need help. this relationship for lack of a better word has been just that, we have been friends and lovers and on occasion worked together in construction. the current problem i'm facing is this.... it's been way too long since he has wanted to meet up for sex. use to be 3 to 4 times in a month now its weeks between meets. im always getting the i'm busy text, understand he owns his own business and at times that excuse is legit, but i have in the past few months found out that he has a girl that works for him that doesnt look like just an employee. i have asked him about her and he says if he doesn't have time for me then he can't possibly have time for her. i let it go. we have had a few big arguements lately and im wondering if he is sleeping with her or am i making it look that way? i love my husband but there is something missing that he will never be able to fix and this person fills that void. we use to be each others escape, we lived out fantasies with each other. and now its like he's in another mood. they change more frequently then the seasons but i just dont know weather to sit back and ride it out or snoop and see if he is sleeping with this other girl? im not an uneducated woman, i looked him up and know quite a bit about him, things he doesn't know that i know. i didn't go into this planning on hurting anyone or getting hurt, i just want to know whats going on. i can share more if anyone is interested. please someone offer some advice Focus more on you and what makes you happy. Often we put our trust in things; our lives, kids, loved ones. True to fashion, people and things will often let us down when we trust them to keep us up. I came here a long time ago to vent, had no one to speak to about my situation. Speaking about a situations helps with relieving the stress of the situation, and to begin to break down what is really happening. You are at the tip of the iceberg- it will chisel down or melt away to reveal what truly lies underneath. You miss what you had, I miss what I had, yet it was not the best fit for me, it kept me in a place that no longer made me happy about me. You will get responses. I hope others will be able to give you the answers you seek or had not even considered. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 thats the thing we have been up and down for 3 years. he isn't moving on. he still texts and calls. i know its a relationship based on a lie but we keep things real between us. I know that it is very possible that he is lying to me while sleeping with her, but if hes not and i pick at it, it could be devastating to what we have. do i leave it alone or look deeper? Its hard to question an APs loyalty when they are already cheating on their wife with you, extremely likely your gut feeling is right as he hasnt needed to meet you for sex as he's getting that need met. So...what good would confirming he is sleeping with this woman do you? You would still stay to have this void filled right? You know the old saying if you dig for dirt you will find it. So you either accept a lesser role than what you used to have with him and the continued breadcrumbs, and take it as face value...or you decide its no longer enough for you and not meeting your needs and you go back to just you and your husband and try to put all this energy there. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You are starting to nag. He can get that at home. He wants a pleasant escape and this new girl is on his radar whether he has started anything with her or not, for now. Maybe he is tired of the sex with you after 3 years. That is a long time and things get old after awhile. That's why he's cheating on his wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. And in this case, it looks like it's going to be you. You know this is dying, it's just a question of whether yiure going to stick round to find out just how humiliating it can get for you. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. And this has to end at some point. I recommend you bail now, no questions or explanations needed, and save yourself some dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harrietthespy Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 confirming that he is sleeping with her would let me know he had moved on and the "new" had worn off for me. on the other hand if i dig and he isn't i would feel good and bad. good that he was still just interested in me, bad that i didn't believe him, but who can blame me. if he is sleeping with another woman then i would be done. i wouldn't look else where i would just go back to living without that feeling. neither of us are leaving what we have, but we are suppose to be only sleeping with each other. why is it so hard for a guy to understand that a woman just wants sex! Link to post Share on other sites
Author harrietthespy Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 sex has never been boring with us and he always leaves with a smile and a kiss. i may have reached the edge of nagging and backed off...but i want to know, do i leave it alone or look into it? Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 How old is your OM? If he is younger it's possible that his needs are being met be another other woman. Or even his wife might be picking up some slack. Keep the pressure off... light and breezy is a turn on an really, to be happy with yourself is the only thing you can do about it. He likes you and feels safe with you. Do let him know that you have your unanswered needs... PM me. You'll just get flamed here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harrietthespy Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. And in this case, it looks like it's going to be you. You know this is dying, it's just a question of whether yiure going to stick round to find out just how humiliating it can get for you. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. And this has to end at some point. I recommend you bail now, no questions or explanations needed, and save yourself some dignity. he is in construstion so his schedule is always up and down. he works 3 hours from home m-f and only home on the weekends, he does go through spells that he has too much on his mind to even think of sex. i guess im wondering if the lack of physical contact has caused me to make more out of this girl than what there really is? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Don't start acting crazy and following him. There is nothing you can do to find out! Just end the relationship. It's not working for you anymore. (And it's wrong) Link to post Share on other sites
Author harrietthespy Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 How old is your OM? If he is younger it's possible that his needs are being met be another other woman. Or even his wife might be picking up some slack. Keep the pressure off... light and breezy is a turn on an really, to be happy with yourself is the only thing you can do about it. He likes you and feels safe with you. Do let him know that you have your unanswered needs... PM me. You'll just get flamed here. im 37 and he is 38, ive been with my husband for 19 years and he has been with his wife for 11. i do try to keep it as lite as possible with him because i know what i dont want to hear from him and i know what he tells me about his wife and ex wife. but come on if he made time before cant he make it now? am i being to demanding? Link to post Share on other sites
Dancewithme Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Though your feelings are real, you know what this really is. You are in a relationship with someone who is married. You are married. You guys meet for sex. He owes you nothing, as he had no commitment to you. Some care and respect would have been nice, but we know he is not capable of that, because he is stepping out on his wife. As others before have advised you, accept that this thing you have is dying, or over. Save your dignity,save your energy, let it go. Maybe put this energy into your marriage. Or, into leaving your marriage, and making yourself fully available for someone who can meet your needs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 How old is your OM? If he is younger it's possible that his needs are being met be another other woman. Or even his wife might be picking up some slack. And what, pray tell, do older OM do? And what age do you consider younger? Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 confirming that he is sleeping with her would let me know he had moved on and the "new" had worn off for me. on the other hand if i dig and he isn't i would feel good and bad. good that he was still just interested in me, bad that i didn't believe him, but who can blame me. if he is sleeping with another woman then i would be done. i wouldn't look else where i would just go back to living without that feeling. neither of us are leaving what we have, but we are suppose to be only sleeping with each other. why is it so hard for a guy to understand that a woman just wants sex! ummmm he is sleeping with another woman....his wife. I am constantly amazed at the lies we tell ourselves to stay in these train wrecks. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 confirming that he is sleeping with her would let me know he had moved on and the "new" had worn off for me. on the other hand if i dig and he isn't i would feel good and bad. good that he was still just interested in me, bad that i didn't believe him, but who can blame me. if he is sleeping with another woman then i would be done. i wouldn't look else where i would just go back to living without that feeling. neither of us are leaving what we have, but we are suppose to be only sleeping with each other. why is it so hard for a guy to understand that a woman just wants sex! You shouldn't have to ask if someone your sexually involved with is interested in you. If you guys keep it real like you said..it might be time to voice your needs. This isn't looking good. Plus...he probably is into the chase. Its no longer a chase or new conquest with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 im 37 and he is 38, ive been with my husband for 19 years and he has been with his wife for 11. i do try to keep it as lite as possible with him because i know what i dont want to hear from him and i know what he tells me about his wife and ex wife. but come on if he made time before cant he make it now? am i being to demanding? At 38 and on his 2nd marriage and hes cheating...possibly serial cheating? Red flags every where. You are so at risk for std and more and more heartache. Is this even making you happy anymore? Here you should be holiday shopping, enjoying life and family and fun and your sad and analyzing all this and dealing with increased anxiety. Affairs are supposed to be fun and exciting. Your not even getting that and you probably look at your phone and email constantly. Is this any life? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 He doesn't sound like he has only one mistress. He might be sleeping with other ones too. Since he works far away from home he has the freedom to be promiscuous ...... And I bet he is, not only with you. New women are more exciting to him, and he probably adjusts his schedule around them (or her, if it's only one other girl), which is why he's got less time for you now. It might pick up again later, when he needs another change. Good thing you're just sexually interested in him. Otherwise you'd be hurt - or hurt more. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 How would it change things for you if you knew for certain that he was sleeping with this OW? I don't think you should dig, because it puts you in a bad place. The truth is, if you feel it's happening in your gut then you can bet it is. Women are incredibly sensitive to things of this nature but seldom care to trust their instincts. Either decide that you are OK with things the way that they are or decide that it's time for you to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I love reading these threads. So your upset that the man you are cheating on your husband with is possibly cheating on you? Do you have have any idea how rediculous this is? If your marriage isn't doing it for you anymore, then leave. Your husband deserves better than this. But go ahead and bring on the justifications why you can't or won't leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I really don't understand the problem. What does it matter if he is having sex with one, two or even more oow, (other than a huge risk of std) you have an arrangement for sex, neither of you intends this to become a full honest relationship, neither of you promised exclusivity, you don't own him. He's free to shag as many women as his immoral a$$ wants. If you find out he is having sex with his coworker how does this make it any more reason to quit? It sounds like an ego issue. Fear that he would find someone else to take your place, that you do not meet his needs anymore, classing you as undesirable...are you someone who needs constant external validation? The crux of the matter is, if you're not getting enough from him and intend to continue to cheat on your H then it's time to end it, find another supplement, there are plenty out there willing to have a sex only arrangement. However I feel you should allow your H the right to do this also. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Ten characters Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Why not tell him this 'arrangement ' isn't working for you anymore due to the fact that he's too busy with no time for you. If he ignores or doesn't protest - you've already been replaced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 i love my husband but there is something missing that he will never be able to fix and this person fills that void. people who love each other don't do this to one another, just an observation. did you ever approach your husband about what you felt was lacking in your marriage... did you make your feelings known, is what i'm getting at. i didn't go into this planning on hurting anyone or getting hurt, i just want to know whats going on. read this once more and ask yourself if it makes any sense with the people involved. do you really believe that delving into an affair that someone wasn't going to get hurt? this guy is a player with many other "interests." for being an "educated" woman, if you don't notice the red flags you're pretty naive. Link to post Share on other sites
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