Savannah2 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 So he told me 2 days after we were physical that he needed a "break" again. He does this every 3-4 months. Says he is nervous about getting caught and just wants to be friends and remain talking through our app but no physical stuff . It's been going on almost 4 years. I got angry this time. Told him that I thought the reason he is stopping is because it's not worth it to him anymore. He denied it of course and said he was sorry but it's just a combination of guilt, pressure, and nerves. I'm so done. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. He is mad I took now that I am angry and not understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Oh, so now you're mad? You've been mad since you've been posting here but still haven't done anything. Why? What is stopping you, really? I don't mean that rhetorically. Every few months, you're on LS outlining your MM's latest humiliating insult. There is nothing new here in your actions or his. It's been four years! How much longer will you give it? Please get off this train to nowhere and end the disrespect: his toward you and yours toward your husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 He denied it of course and said he was sorry but it's just a combination of guilt, pressure, and nerves. It's kind of hard to believe he feels any 'guilt' when it's been 4 long, steady years of lying and cheating and deceiving and gas-lighting his wife and kids. I think THAT ship sailed a long time ago. I tend to agree with you, OP. The risk has simply become greater than the reward. Of course, he had to have sex with you one more time BEFORE telling you that. What a prince. You'll hear from him again when he has an itchy d*ck. I hope you blow his loser ass off when you do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Oh dear, in reading back in your threads for context...there truly isn't any advice you haven't been given already. I feel for you and not in a condescending way, I just truly feel really sad you stayed after all of the advice in your last thread. I hope you will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 This is, unfortunately, a VERY common pattern of MM (and MW I suppose). They want the affair and they want their homelife, so it is a f-uped balancing act and you are the one who gets the back burner when he needs to work to preserve his marriage. My R with exMM was quite a bit shorter than yours, and for much of the time I was under the belief he was in the process of a divorce...so my waiting game was a bit different. But, he did confess that his marriage was intact and I had a period of several months where I was in this mental limbo that was absolute anguish. I'd invested myself emotionally in this man...thought we were going to be together forever. He'd beg for more time, we'd start up again, things would get intense and then...yep...he needed a "break." He'd say it was because he was overwhelmed...it didn't take me long to know he was just quelling the wife's suspicions. It is AWFUL for you. It is awful for the unsuspecting wife who probably knows something is "off" but her H is convincing her otherwise by applying himself to the marriage when he chucks you to the side. It is not a healthy cycle for anyone. I'm glad you seem determined to have it be over. Do whatever it takes to keep it over. It won't get better. Your anger will fade to indifference with time. Sometimes that comes with the passage of A LOT of time, but you'll get there. This is hotly debated, but I told his W because I needed it to be OVER. I'd resolved to end it and he kept on persisting and I was tired and vulnerable and needed it DONE. You'll need to recognize your own role in this mess and not just do it to "get back" at the MM at whom you are desperately angry...rather as a means of exposure to keep further attempts at continuing the affair at bay. I think your type of affair is particularly susceptible to "relapse" because he is used to you going into waiting mode. Letting his W know what he's been up to CAN be a step to making the break permanent if you do it the right way. Otherwise, stay busy, stay away from your phone/email and start visualizing a new life that doesn't involve a man who keeps you a secret. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 Thank you all for your advice and patience. Your words have really helped me even though I know I haven't found the strength to always follow it. It's just nice to have a place to come to to vent and have people tell me my feelings aren't so crazy and he really does suck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Im beginning to think you dont actually read the responses here. Based on the replies so far and what you just wrote you seem completely detached and unaware. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Im beginning to think you dont actually read the responses here. Based on the replies so far and what you just wrote you seem completely detached and unaware. Yeah, I just scrolled through some older posts. I didn't realize the MM in this story was so open with her that she is a side dish and he wants to keep his M. Seems like a pretty foolish scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yeah, I just scrolled through some older posts. I didn't realize the MM in this story was so open with her that she is a side dish and he wants to keep his M. Seems like a pretty foolish scenario. Right. There was so much insight and great advice in the past. At this point she's gotta reach her own breaking point and mean it. Its really cruel to watch someone continually hurt themselves and others and come here again and again because no advice was followed or changes made. Its a lifetime breadcrumb diet and a life sentence to more hurt and dissappointment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 So he told me 2 days after we were physical that he needed a "break" again. He does this every 3-4 months. Says he is nervous about getting caught and just wants to be friends and remain talking through our app but no physical stuff . It's been going on almost 4 years. I got angry this time. Told him that I thought the reason he is stopping is because it's not worth it to him anymore. He denied it of course and said he was sorry but it's just a combination of guilt, pressure, and nerves. I'm so done. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. He is mad I took now that I am angry and not understanding. So give him the break he wants.. why are you upset? Not like you haven't been through it (and back) before. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Why are you allowing this type of behavior from him? Please spare the words "love" because it's obvious that after four years of betraying his spouse all the while having you hidden, love has nothing to do with his behavior. What is it within you, that allows you to continue being treated this way? Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 It's all very well being angry with MM but come on, you know the score here after 4 years. You keep putting your hand in the fire and then blaming the fire for you getting burnt. Perhaps it's time you took responsibility for your own happiness and make changes in your life if you need to continually patch it with a band aid that stings? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I realized several years ago that I AM responsible for how I feel - based on what I allow. When you change - things will change. Change is ONLY up to you. Being at the mercy of anyone else isn't useful - it is not looking out for YOURSELF best interest. When YOU decide to change it - it changes! You've d caused all along to keep participating - that isn't his fault - that's you're responsibility based in YOUR actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I'm sure you'll be right back in it when he clicks his fingers. This is the guy who doesn't kiss you or look in your eyes and just gets you to give him blow jobs right. ...doesn't even make it good for you . Until you respect yourself he'll continue using you. He's got no kids and you see him and her looking so happy on FB......when you hit rock bottom .....and it sinks in that he's used you for years.....only then after intense therapy will you extricate yourself from the affair where you are his sex toy. Sorry to be blunt but I feel sad you cant tell him to go to blazes and go f*** a blow up doll. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 So he told me 2 days after we were physical that he needed a "break" again. He does this every 3-4 months. Says he is nervous about getting caught and just wants to be friends and remain talking through our app but no physical stuff . It's been going on almost 4 years. I got angry this time. Told him that I thought the reason he is stopping is because it's not worth it to him anymore. He denied it of course and said he was sorry but it's just a combination of guilt, pressure, and nerves. I'm so done. I don't even want to talk to him anymore. He is mad I took now that I am angry and not understanding. Angry because you are taking back some of your power. right back in it when he clicks his fingers. ^This is what he most likely expects. The WS is usually the one who has all the power and when you pull the rug out from under him just a bit he doesn't like it. Most MM like things their way. They are entitled to it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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