Lobouspo Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Most people who have affairs seem to be reasonably good people with a conscience. So what is so addicting about getting involved with a selfish person who doesn't mind hurting his/her significant other and children? As the other man/woman you are behind the significant other/kids as far as priorities go. So why get entangled with this type of person in the first place? Why not seek available mates, or work out or leave your own relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 because you fall in love, you connect & you hope your story will be different than all the other ones. contrary to the popular opinion, great loves don't just fall from the tree so when people DO find one... it's hard to let go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lobouspo Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 because you fall in love, you connect & you hope your story will be different than all the other ones. contrary to the popular opinion, great loves don't just fall from the tree so when people DO find one... it's hard to let go. Ok but why even let yourself get in that situation with a married person? Even if a person has no morals, why settle for table crumbs, and knowing you could hurt a lot of people in the process? Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 But what if it's not love? Why keep going back and risking so much and lying so much for sex? My h and his mow never fell in love, they just destroyed a lot of people. If it had been the best sex of his life, he would have left me for what he able to get from her, but it wasn't the best. And yet he still went back. I don't know if she loved him, but there is no evidence at all of love. Only cheap hotel time on the company's tab. No dinners, gifts, trips, flowers. It is puzzling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwatching Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Hmm interesting question.... If it's love: as stated before, true love connections are rare - it may start off innocent, as a friendship, as mine did. Before it wasn't. There was a warmth and intimacy that drew me closer, very rare for me - when you feel that, normal people with morals, well, morals are out of the window at that point. You just don't feel them, it's very strange. If it's not love: Maybe it's the attention? The ego? Maybe it's the space for purely physicality, affection without the distraction of obligation or 'sameness'? The situation and motivation will be different for different people, as is life. The overwhelming majority of situations seems to be unhappiness and emotional disconnection from their current partner, and a connection with someone else where intimacy is valued and welcomed. These things can become secondary when obligations are involved. A paramount thing that I've seen is that when partners are together for years is that familiarity means that they think they know everything about the other person, they stop exploring and experimenting because they 'know them'. This is a misnomer, no one can truly know everything about someone - and even if they try to, it will depend upon the nature of their relationship to show how much is revealed. Breed openness, intimacy and fluidity and freedom and you have a chance to see the person as they are and also allow them to develop and change as they experience, and that can be a beautiful thing. So, I guess my thoughts are that the motivations can vary as widely as the individuals concerned and the nature of their relationship. But ultimately, following your own heart and your own connection and being a libertine in that sense has been the only way forward for me and has meant the best relationships with the most trust. I could be wrong and all of my partners could have played away for all I know! But it's my preferred method of doing things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Ok but why even let yourself get in that situation with a married person? Even if a person has no morals, why settle for table crumbs... a lot of people are actually happy in their affairs and weren't one of those "crumbs" OWs/OMs. even when there are crumbs - they are so powerful that they literally "carry" you through all the bad times. also, remember - affairs are relationships that are usually (not all) detached from reality and real life problems... meaning, the passion is well alive and strong for a long time due to not being burdened by the everyday life. people have the feeling that it's the most "charged" by passion and love relationship they ever had & the quickest way to blow those types of affairs up is to give them freedom. why even let yourself in that situation...? hmmm... poor boundaries? and probably instant attraction. when you feel that & it's strong, you have a feeling that you won't EVER feel anything like it ever again and you keep convincing yourself that it's just fun, no one will find out or get hurt. then you have those who don't even realize they're in love until it's too late. & those who actively seek the affair? detached from their family to the point if not caring. and finally, this question -- ...and knowing you could hurt a lot of people in the process? because humans are selfish. we are, after all, in a pursuit of our own happiness. that's our purpose, that's our goal for even existing - to figure out a way to be happy, the happiest we can be. & we find that... it's hard to resist. somehow, it blinds you to the point of moving past caring for all the colaterally vicrims. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Mini, I think you're right. Selfishness entitlement and bad boundaries. My h told me that mow listened, praised, blew sunshine up his a$$. Sadly what he was getting from her he wasn't giving me. So it was just about his needs, because mine weren't being met. He thinks now that the whole mess was awful - that he thought at the time the enthusiasm of the proclamations proved their validity. In fact, what they told each other was bull to keep the egos stroked. I know I feels pretty horrible about what he did, I'm pretty sure he's mortified to think about what he did and with whom. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Mini, I think you're right. Selfishness entitlement and bad boundaries. My h told me that mow listened, praised, blew sunshine up his a$$. Sadly what he was getting from her he wasn't giving me. So it was just about his needs, because mine weren't being met. He thinks now that the whole mess was awful - that he thought at the time the enthusiasm of the proclamations proved their validity. In fact, what they told each other was bull to keep the egos stroked. I know I feels pretty horrible about what he did, I'm pretty sure he's mortified to think about what he did and with whom. I think midwestmissy hit the nail on the head... and those who think affairs are about "true love" are blowing sunshine up their own asses. You could take the most dedicated, monogamous man (or woman) on the planet and subject them to a few years of emotional abuse or neglect, devaluation, no appreciation or affirmation... and they'd be unable to resist the lure of a perceived high value person targeting them with the kind of attention they so desperately need. The essence of the motivation is low self-esteem and sense of self. They need to be made whole emotionally, and when the solution to that is intermingled with sex drive and sex appeal... logic just doesn't factor into the equation at all. I believe there is a type that diminished people typically fall for. In a word, narcissists and histrionics. Both are good at projecting the confidence that makes them appear high value to a person needing that. Of course, the reality is that they have low esteem too, but their stock-in-trade is covering it with an air of superiority and charm, and using those to manipulate needy people. There are certainly other variations such as those who aren't particularly needy, but tend not to be restricted by conscience/remorse or societal norms. This type can easily rationalize that as long as they're discreet nobody gets hurt, and even if they do it's not the end of the world. Edited October 2, 2015 by salparadise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I can't speak for others but for myself, we were both married, and the attraction was unlike anything I have ever experienced. He is just an amazing man. Never felt the same dimensions that the OP details, never got "crumbs", etc. Why did I cheat? Short answer I was done with my marriage, I obviously had no respect for it, and so gambling it wasn't seen as a gamble. Also why I divorced right after the affair started. My MM, now husband, is addicting. He was then and he is now. He is the most fascinating person to me, and I tell him that, I love how he thinks, peeling back the layers of him, and how he processes. I am completely fascinated by him. Can't put it any other way. :laugh: 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bendy_willow Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I think midwestmissy hit the nail on the head... and those who think affairs are about "true love" are blowing sunshine up their own asses. You could take the most dedicated, monogamous man (or woman) on the planet and subject them to a few years of emotional abuse or neglect, devaluation, no appreciation or affirmation... and they'd be unable to resist the lure of a perceived high value person targeting them with the kind of attention they so desperately need. The essence of the motivation is low self-esteem and sense of self. They need to be made whole emotionally, and when the solution to that is intermingled with sex drive and sex appeal... logic just doesn't factor into the equation at all. I believe there is a type that diminished people typically fall for. In a word, narcissists and histrionics. Both are good at projecting the confidence that makes them appear high value to a person needing that. Of course, the reality is that they have low esteem too, but their stock-in-trade is covering it with an air of superiority and charm, and using those to manipulate needy people. There are certainly other variations such as those who aren't particularly needy, but tend not to be restricted by conscience/remorse or societal norms. This type can easily rationalize that as long as they're discreet nobody gets hurt, and even if they do it's not the end of the world. Wow! You hit the nail right on the head for me. The appeal for me was definitely the perceived high value. In my case, it was a senior ranked man in my company and I secretly loved his status. I indulged in his compliments of how smart, intelligent and ambitious I was. According to him, I could do anything I wanted, I could have anyone I wanted. He saw potential. I liked the fact that I had access to him in a way that nobody else in the company had. I'm skeptical that I might be somewhat of a narcissist myself because the A was all about how I felt. I never loved him one bit, but I had definitely had romantic feelings. Once I cut off the A, I had symptoms of withdrawal... From what exactly? I'm not sure since it wasn't love for me. I just knew my soul was dying from being deceitful, selfish and guilty. I love my SO, I really do. The idea of how selfish I might be really scares me, so I'm seeking help from a therapist to uncover some deep insecurities. This is not the type of person I want to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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