Is it ever OK...

[msoptimistic]

Is it ever a good idea or does it ever help to say a goodbye when you decide to stop contact? As everyone else who has gone NC, this is going to be extremely difficult but hopefully not impossible. I feel as if I have to do this for his sake as much as mine. I dont want to. We have been together for 3 years but his world is falling apart. I actually informed his wife of some things 4 months ago. We had a bad spell but we moved beyond it. She has now turned up the heat and intercepts every phone call and text he receives. I now only add stress to his world. Coupled with the lack of self respect for myself after allowing him to treat me as second best, the entire situation has become almost toxic. Its time. But do I say anything or do I let the silence speak for itself? And for those with experience, how often do they come back because I cannot imagine handling that should it happen. Is that something that should be guarded against or just dealt with should it happen? Is there a difference when you make the NC decision through logic vs emotion. I've thought long and hard and have tried to set things in motion to keep my mind busy but are there any other tried and proved ways to do this?

[privategal]

You said it yourself it has become toxic and is no longer serving you or his life. If his world is crumbling he likely wants this over too but is having the same conflict "HOW"?

Theres no good answer, theres nothing tried and tested.

The only thing you can do is to just do it.

Then go through the pain, be strong, cry it out, keep going.

The pain of staying in is worse than grieving the loss.

The pain that you love him but are second best to his wife is all the ammunition you need to just go.

If closure will help you, send a brief note..I can not do this anymore and go dark.

The better way in my opinion is to say nothing and just go but choose the option that is going to make you feel best.

Remember, if you tell him and say something, you will analyze his response or lack of forever. If you say nothing, there is nothing to analyze, he knows why, you know why and you feel stronger knowing you took control and ended it for the betterment of your life.

Take away the moral right and wrong, in basic terms the affair is supposed to be fun, maybe fill a void, spice up your life, add excitement, whatever your reasons, this obviously is not what you've signed up for.

Before it is even more toxic, there is another Dday, his marriage falls apart and you feel guilty and responsible....gracefully remove yourself from the picture.

Block, block, block....answer nothing, avoid any and all communication, get any reminders of him out to the trash and revamp your living space.

Its time, you know it, be strong, start a new life.

It will hurt badly, 3 years is a longtime.

Pain is temporary and theres no way around it but through it.

Greive it and let go.

He is married, he is staying, another day of signing up for this is too much.

Less than 4 months until the new year and by then you will be well on your way to healing and free of someone who is comfortable to cake eat with you and freely put his wife first while you dote on him and love him endlessly. its too much. Its time. Best wishes for peace and strength...

[Popsicle]

I let the silence speak.

[sunburned]

You said it yourself it has become toxic and is no longer serving you or his life. If his world is crumbling he likely wants this over too but is having the same conflict "HOW"?

Theres no good answer, theres nothing tried and tested.

The only thing you can do is to just do it.

Then go through the pain, be strong, cry it out, keep going.

The pain of staying in is worse than grieving the loss.

The pain that you love him but are second best to his wife is all the ammunition you need to just go.

If closure will help you, send a brief note..I can not do this anymore and go dark.

The better way in my opinion is to say nothing and just go but choose the option that is going to make you feel best.

Remember, if you tell him and say something, you will analyze his response or lack of forever. If you say nothing, there is nothing to analyze, he knows why, you know why and you feel stronger knowing you took control and ended it for the betterment of your life.

Take away the moral right and wrong, in basic terms the affair is supposed to be fun, maybe fill a void, spice up your life, add excitement, whatever your reasons, this obviously is not what you've signed up for.

Before it is even more toxic, there is another Dday, his marriage falls apart and you feel guilty and responsible....gracefully remove yourself from the picture.

Block, block, block....answer nothing, avoid any and all communication, get any reminders of him out to the trash and revamp your living space.

Its time, you know it, be strong, start a new life.

It will hurt badly, 3 years is a longtime.

Pain is temporary and theres no way around it but through it.

Greive it and let go.

He is married, he is staying, another day of signing up for this is too much.

Less than 4 months until the new year and by then you will be well on your way to healing and free of someone who is comfortable to cake eat with you and freely put his wife first while you dote on him and love him endlessly. its too much. Its time. Best wishes for peace and strength...

 

IMO, what I boldfaced in privategal's response is the the heart of the issue. I f I read this correctly, you already disclosed, or partially disclosed the A to his W. Apparently he STILL came back. This tells me he's not going to say goodbye to you -- his excitement, his fun, his escape -- so easily. And, even more telling, you TOOK him back. For these reasons, I think it's best to go dark. That way, he can't talk you into or out of anything and same for you. And you're not left trying to over-analyze every word, as privategal suggested.

 

Remember you do not need to see him or talk to him to get closure. Closure comes from yourself. You and you alone close that ugly chapter in your life. Best of luck.

[Got it]

If you need to communicate the end, for you, and understand why you are doing it, that you aren't looking for it to open the door for anything else, etc. then say good bye.

 

I have never ended a relationship, platonic or romantic, without some sort of closure via verbal or written communication. That just isn't me. So I would need to say something and then shut down communication.

 

I think it is a case by case scenario.

[msoptimistic]

Thanks for advice and privategal I believe I was led to seek advice on this site just to get your reply. Very well stated and absolutely correct. I will be printing a copy to go on my board right by my desk! So this is Day 1....at the moment I am not inclined to make contact but I am quite sure I will be all over every emotion by the end of the day but you have to start somewhere right? I will be thinking about all the women who have successfully done what I have to do today but a few positive thoughts sent my way would also be most welcomed! Thanks!

[privategal]

Thanks for advice and privategal I believe I was led to seek advice on this site just to get your reply. Very well stated and absolutely correct. I will be printing a copy to go on my board right by my desk! So this is Day 1....at the moment I am not inclined to make contact but I am quite sure I will be all over every emotion by the end of the day but you have to start somewhere right? I will be thinking about all the women who have successfully done what I have to do today but a few positive thoughts sent my way would also be most welcomed! Thanks!

 

I signed up for 15 years of this agony...in believing in strong lpve, love that was meant to be but at the wrong time, analysed "the heart wants what it wants" believed I was MISSED, loved, that hanging in, settling for breadcrumbs was just what was normal and what we were supposed to do for true love. Time and time again my expectations were lowered, I was downgraded, ghosted, and picked back up to fill a void....I was easy pickings, old reliable, the one I tought let get away...more like the one who he gave away or threw away when he didn't need her or the ego strokes.

It took me FOREVER to come to my senses. Id love to see just ONE person spared from the same humiliation or heart ache. Please be strong. You can do it. Im envious you saw the light many years sooner than it took me. Best wishes. Stay strong!

[OldRover]

I would certainly say the good bye, but only once, and then NC forever. That brings things to a closure and your silence will reinforce the good bye, and no further explanation or communication is necessary.

[FusionCutter]

The only cure for this bad addiction is to let go, NC and form healthy connections. The cure for your feelings is not obsessing and focusing on NC, it's forming healthier relationships with people who actually care about you.

[Grapesofwrath]

OP: I am walking the path with you. For me, I decided to have the final "break-up" conversation. That was forme, not for him. I wanted to give voice to my feelings, with directness, honesty, and no added brutality. I have never been good at breaking up with people, so I looked at it as a chance to do better and improve. Then I went NC. He has found ways to contact me, and tries to every few days or so. Expect that and have a plan.

 

It sounds like you've made a choice on how to proceed. As long as that choice was made with your best interests and healing in mind, then it was the right choice. We are so habitualized to put the MM first, it's hard to break that habit.

 

Stay strong. It's a roller coaster, to be sure, but the only way out is through.

[Lovemesomehim]

His silence is speaking. You're not listening.

[msoptimistic]

Well I have not had a goodbye conversation but not because I dont want to but because I just cant figure out what or how to say it. Nor do I know if I'm ready to actually hear him agree that it is for the best that we part. I think I will at some point but right know I move minute to minute attempting to retrain my mind to think about something else without having a big ole pity party for myself! Thursday as I walked around campus I kept picturing myself as Debra Winger in the last scenes of An Officer and a Gentleman where she goes to her factory job resigned that its over and the audience cant help but pull for her....then I remind myself that this horror film I am living doesnt get its happy ending!

Privategal, thank you again for your words. I read and reread them quite regularly. I dont want to be here in this situation but I am through some bad decisions and listening to my heart when I should have been listening to my head but guess what? I have had an opportunity to love the most amazing man in my world. Maybe he didnt love me back the same and it wasnt meant to be but the few good times, well they were the best! I have to figure out how to tuck away the good stuff and move on from the bad. He isnt nor was he ever mine to have permanently but I loved him and part of me always will. Life is about change and grabbing every kind of experience you can through this journey. I can say I will run the other direction if another MM should cross my path but I dont want to be bitter about this experience! Now to figure out how to accomplish that monumental tadk but just think how strong I am going to be when I do!

[anika99]

Well I have not had a goodbye conversation but not because I dont want to but because I just cant figure out what or how to say it. Nor do I know if I'm ready to actually hear him agree that it is for the best that we part. I think I will at some point but right know I move minute to minute attempting to retrain my mind to think about something else without having a big ole pity party for myself! Thursday as I walked around campus I kept picturing myself as Debra Winger in the last scenes of An Officer and a Gentleman where she goes to her factory job resigned that its over and the audience cant help but pull for her....then I remind myself that this horror film I am living doesnt get its happy ending!

Privategal, thank you again for your words. I read and reread them quite regularly. I dont want to be here in this situation but I am through some bad decisions and listening to my heart when I should have been listening to my head but guess what? I have had an opportunity to love the most amazing man in my world. Maybe he didnt love me back the same and it wasnt meant to be but the few good times, well they were the best! I have to figure out how to tuck away the good stuff and move on from the bad. He isnt nor was he ever mine to have permanently but I loved him and part of me always will. Life is about change and grabbing every kind of experience you can through this journey. I can say I will run the other direction if another MM should cross my path but I dont want to be bitter about this experience! Now to figure out how to accomplish that monumental tadk but just think how strong I am going to be when I do!

 

Movies like that are why so many women think a happiness lies in getting a man. In that movie we see Richard Gere struggling with his demons, overcoming them, changing and then gaining success, both in his career and within himself. Debra Winger is just some chick who hangs around a naval base, doesn't know her real father and works in a crappy factory. To find her happiness she doesn't change or develop, she just gets herself a man and walks off into happy ever after. When Richard Gere gave her the cold shoulder she should have said f&ck that guy, and then worked on making herself sucessful.

[msoptimistic]

I have no fake unfounded beliefs about a movie fairy tale ending but I think the whole NC and moving on thing is more traumatic than most women know when they begin this journey. Well, at least for me it is so I have decided to make my own path to the other side. I have decided to move away a little bit slower. I dont want to end with a bitter taste on either side. We both messed up. He should have honored his marriage vows and I should have honored mine along with retaining my self respect. But we fell, we loved and we have both lost. I have told him it is time for me to go but there will be bad days when I need him to be understanding. He knows its time and has voiced he doesnt want it to end but he knows I am going. Time will tell if this works but at the times I need to hear his voice I'll call...I'll just work very hard to stay busy and not get to those desperate times any more than I have to. I've loved him for a long time and I want to move away remembering the good, not the negative.

[Lurkeraspect]

This isn't your first time attempting to end this. Way back in early 2014 was (best I can tell) round one. You failed, affair resumed. I really don't believe you want this to be over. I think you're playing games. You told his wife (something) hoping, I'm guessing to hurt her enough to leave her marriage. That didn't work. So now, you're playing around with NC, in the hopes, that MM misses you and begs you to come back for round three?

 

You will fail again, if you change nothing. No. You don't need a goodbye chat with him. If you truly want this to be done, you slam the door shut, and leave it shut. Done.

 

How's your marriage going btw?

[Doublegold]

I will never understand why someone would read a post and leave a snarky comment. Way to show support.

Edited September 28, 2015 by Doublegold

[msoptimistic]

Oh its quite alright for the snarky comment! I have to assume that for someone to respond in such a way that they have never made mistakes and have every right to be holier than thou. Yep, go back through my history and you will see I have tried and failed and I may many more times before this is finally laid to rest! There are no black and white scenarios and yep, as the OW we often have in the back of our mind that we would like to force the issue whether it be by telling the wife or pulling away in hopes the MM will see what hes losing. That is the very nature of an affair. If there were a way of avoiding all these feelings I feel quite certain that every OW out there who knows it needs to end would grab it and walk away. Its life and its individual and by seeking advice and support here you take the good with the bad....not a problem at all!

[Lurkeraspect]

Oh its quite alright for the snarky comment! I have to assume that for someone to respond in such a way that they have never made mistakes and have every right to be holier than thou. Yep, go back through my history and you will see I have tried and failed and I may many more times before this is finally laid to rest! There are no black and white scenarios and yep, as the OW we often have in the back of our mind that we would like to force the issue whether it be by telling the wife or pulling away in hopes the MM will see what hes losing. That is the very nature of an affair. If there were a way of avoiding all these feelings I feel quite certain that every OW out there who knows it needs to end would grab it and walk away. Its life and its individual and by seeking advice and support here you take the good with the bad....not a problem at all!

 

My comment was not "snarky". Rather, a history of well, your history. Nothing I said wasn't true. Are you trying to get over MoM or are you simply here to share your thoughts and a great story?

 

It's your life. You can get wrapped up in a total strangers input, one who took the time to go through your history here, or you can make a "snarky" post, and whatever...disregard. Your choice, of course.

 

Good luck. It seems you're only here to document your years long affair and sham of your marriage. And hey, if that's what you want. I truly shouldn't have wasted my bandwidth. Nothing wrong with that. I somehow thought you were looking to get out of this affair, live an authentic life, my bad.

 

So I'll leave you to it. Good luck in your continuing affair. It's not ending. You know it, and I believe most reading here know it too. I wish you luck.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Lurkeraspect