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Did your MM contacted you after the break up?


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How did they take it when u went NC? How long after they tried to reach out?

Did u go back into the relationship? What are the usual stories they tell when they come back?

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AnotherSadSong

I believe it depends on the man and the type of affair. Some burn out quickly and they are never heard from again. Others will contact again. The MM and I had always reengaged after breaking up. This time was the big one...the big O. I do not think he will contact me ever again. Too much has been said and done. There is a chance they will contact again to restart the affair.

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We never went NC. We just stopped the sexual part of our relationship and reduced our contact frequency. There's no going back. We are friends now.

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TerraIncognita

Dela, you poor thing, you are grasping at straws.

 

Yes, most exmms eventually reach out. Some in a matter of days, some - in weeks. But only to test the waters. Nothing's going to change. This silence is easier for him because he has his family life to distract him - wife, kids, etc. Plus he knows you are in a lot of pain and small part of you wanted to hear from him so much that if he holds out long enough, that small part will take over any anger you may feel when he eventually reaches out.

 

I know its nearly impossible not to agonize over this. Just hold on tight. Go out with friends. Clean every nook and cranny of your place. Channel your energy towards keeping yourself distracted. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it.

 

Your affair doesn't need closure. You have that freedom to choose to simply walk away. Do it for your own sake. Do it now.

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Dela, you poor thing, you are grasping at straws.

 

Yes, most exmms eventually reach out. Some in a matter of days, some - in weeks. But only to test the waters. Nothing's going to change. This silence is easier for him because he has his family life to distract him - wife, kids, etc. Plus he knows you are in a lot of pain and small part of you wanted to hear from him so much that if he holds out long enough, that small part will take over any anger you may feel when he eventually reaches out.

 

I know its nearly impossible not to agonize over this. Just hold on tight. Go out with friends. Clean every nook and cranny of your place. Channel your energy towards keeping yourself distracted. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it.

 

Your affair doesn't need closure. You have that freedom to choose to simply walk away. Do it for your own sake. Do it now.

 

 

thank u. i ve been a little off today, i know. not hearing from him really hit me. i did nothing all day but think about it. i feel a little better since i got some good advice in here. i will not contact him. if he wants to talk and have a proper break up (i don t like unfinished business) then fine. if not, i ll deal with it...

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TerraIncognita
thank u. i ve been a little off today, i know. not hearing from him really hit me. i did nothing all day but think about it. i feel a little better since i got some good advice in here. i will not contact him. if he wants to talk and have a proper break up (i don t like unfinished business) then fine. if not, i ll deal with it...

 

Good, good. Get support here and force yourself out. Go for a walk. Don't sit and drive yourself insane.

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My affair ended 2 years ago. His wife caught us. He disappeared when the **** hit the fan. I talked to his wife for 5 hours in a hotel lobby. She was very calm, I was terrified. She never acted on it. The affair ended. I stayed away from all mutual friends with AP. deleted them from social media etc. i disappeared.

 

He tried to reach me a month later saying we needed to talk. I blocked his number and continued to block him on social media.

 

Recently I started to reconnect with mutual friends and knowing I was over him I unblocked him and let him go off into the internet stratosphere. ( didnt even want to see his name in my blocked list. I was over him)

 

He saw me active again and sends me a message telling me not to talk about our affair to our mutual friends ever. And that he never gave me a proper goodbye.

 

I didnt respond. I had no intention of re-engaing. The incident just showed what a coward he was and what an idiot I was.

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My A has been over for 3 years, and no, he didn't contact me.

 

Looking back on it, the thing that I could not accept is that all of it (the words, love, romance, sex) did not mean anything; he was not going to leave. I couldn't understand it, couldn't accept it, couldn't get my brain around it. "If he wanted to stay with her, why did he do this to her?" My brain could not get it.

 

Going NC and watching him change nothing in his life taught me everything I needed to know. It is a painful lesson, but you will be happy when you learn it. I was and am.

 

ExMM and I exchange holiday wishes each year. This year he said he missed me, and I laughed out loud. I read his real meaning loud and clear, and it was "Wanna get together?" No interest. At all. I am totally over him, but he will never be over me.

 

Good luck to you.

Tough stuff, I know.

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I'mNotYours
My A has been over for 3 years, and no, he didn't contact me.

 

Looking back on it, the thing that I could not accept is that all of it (the words, love, romance, sex) did not mean anything; he was not going to leave. I couldn't understand it, couldn't accept it, couldn't get my brain around it. "If he wanted to stay with her, why did he do this to her?" My brain could not get it.

 

Going NC and watching him change nothing in his life taught me everything I needed to know. It is a painful lesson, but you will be happy when you learn it. I was and am.

 

ExMM and I exchange holiday wishes each year. This year he said he missed me, and I laughed out loud. I read his real meaning loud and clear, and it was "Wanna get together?" No interest. At all. I am totally over him, but he will never be over me.

Good luck to you.

Tough stuff, I know.

 

I really like your post, but don't you think that eventually he will get over you, when you keep ignoring him?

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Yes. It was a letter apologizing to me, because he couldn't even muster enough courage to do it to my face. It really would've been better if he hadn't done it at all. Let sleeping dogs lie.

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I really like your post' date=' but don't you think that eventually he will get over you, when you keep ignoring him?[/quote']

 

I guess I say he will 'never' because I left with my dignity, I said "Enough!" and I stayed gone. Whatever issues in him or his life that caused him to have an A instead of face them? He STILL has them because he has done nothing to fix or change anything. But I worked on myself to make sure I never find myself in that painful place again. Even if he gets over me--like any ex bf or gf--I don't care. The NC and working on me was all about making MY life awesome, not teaching him any lesson.

 

The goal should always be to live your best possible life. When you focus on you, other people's choices no longer matter or hurt.

 

I could go on and on about what I learned from the whole experience because I learned a lot, but the most important thing related to getting out and staying out was that I had to acknowledge honestly that my MM was hurting me, not loving me. He was taking the best of me and leaving me empty. He was playing on my emotions, manipulating the situation to his benefit. If he really loved me, he would not be hurting me day after day (in all those affair ways--no holidays, hiding in public, leaving me for their vacations).

 

When I went NC and stayed there, he watched me take my dignity back, and that improved his view of me. Forever.

 

But no matter what he does or does not do, I am happier without someone who knowingly hurt two women. And I will never make the mistake of believing someone's words over their actions again, no matter who they are.

 

You can do this. You need to stay NC by giving yourself all the love and support you needed from him. Plan fun things, treat yourself, tell yourself all the wonderful things about yourself that you know are true, eat good food, smile at people, journal, cry, make yourself tea, take naps, read self-help stuff, do whatever! I did not feel better overnight. I would say that I got 1% better each day. But, I DID get better while staying NC. And I worked hard on getting better. I made it my job to be great to myself, to take care of myself. You deserve it. If you happen to mess up and break NC, get right back on the horse and do it again. Do not give your power back to somebody that is not watching out for you. You watch out for you now . . . by staying away from people who knowingly hurt you.

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I guess I say he will 'never' because I left with my dignity, I said "Enough!" and I stayed gone. Whatever issues in him or his life that caused him to have an A instead of face them? He STILL has them because he has done nothing to fix or change anything. But I worked on myself to make sure I never find myself in that painful place again. Even if he gets over me--like any ex bf or gf--I don't care. The NC and working on me was all about making MY life awesome, not teaching him any lesson.

 

The goal should always be to live your best possible life. When you focus on you, other people's choices no longer matter or hurt.

 

I could go on and on about what I learned from the whole experience because I learned a lot, but the most important thing related to getting out and staying out was that I had to acknowledge honestly that my MM was hurting me, not loving me. He was taking the best of me and leaving me empty. He was playing on my emotions, manipulating the situation to his benefit. If he really loved me, he would not be hurting me day after day (in all those affair ways--no holidays, hiding in public, leaving me for their vacations).

 

When I went NC and stayed there, he watched me take my dignity back, and that improved his view of me. Forever.

 

But no matter what he does or does not do, I am happier without someone who knowingly hurt two women. And I will never make the mistake of believing someone's words over their actions again, no matter who they are.

 

You can do this. You need to stay NC by giving yourself all the love and support you needed from him. Plan fun things, treat yourself, tell yourself all the wonderful things about yourself that you know are true, eat good food, smile at people, journal, cry, make yourself tea, take naps, read self-help stuff, do whatever! I did not feel better overnight. I would say that I got 1% better each day. But, I DID get better while staying NC. And I worked hard on getting better. I made it my job to be great to myself, to take care of myself. You deserve it. If you happen to mess up and break NC, get right back on the horse and do it again. Do not give your power back to somebody that is not watching out for you. You watch out for you now . . . by staying away from people who knowingly hurt you.

 

 

thank u all for ur answers. i just ended my A a while ago. i feel numb. but i feel also good for walking away also with my dignity intact. i understood that it isn t possible and i didn t stay anymore.

i know it will get better, but for now i m sure u all know how it feels. i have hard times ahead of me until i ll be myself again. i feel i m lost somewhere, i miss myself and i want to find me, i want to be at peace with myself again and to love myself again. i wish i d knew where to start...

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Yes, he did. And, although it feels good in the moment, because you miss him and all that jazz, it really is pointless. Eventually I realized that and it took away some of the feel good factor. I realized that it really is better to stay NC.

 

As far as how long it took for him to reach out? We had a couple of rounds but it was typically 3-4 weeks.

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Ifalltopieces
thank u. i ve been a little off today, i know. not hearing from him really hit me. i did nothing all day but think about it. i feel a little better since i got some good advice in here. i will not contact him. if he wants to talk and have a proper break up (i don t like unfinished business) then fine. if not, i ll deal with it...

 

 

I have Initiated NC 3 times. Every time he has contacted me. I blocked him, deleted him and he STILL found ways to contact me. I held strong for a while and then I succumbed to his BS. And here I am. I think about how different my life would be if I had stuck to it. I wish I would have reclaimed my life when I had the chance.

 

Stay strong. Your doing the right thing. Don't be like me. It's torment. :( I am trying to find the courage to end it once and for all. You are already 2 steps ahead of me.... Keep going :)

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HappyAgain2014

I ended my affair a few months in. After spending a holiday without him while he celebrated with his family, I knew this situation wasn't for me. I was resolute. I knew what I needed and knew I deserved to be more than a secret. I also knew I couldn't handle the guilty feelings about his wife. I had been a wife and mother. I couldn't justify any of it. I wrote him an email, plainly listed the realities, and wished him well. He called me before he opened it so I explained the contents. He panicked and said he needed time to think about what to do. I told him he didn't have to think about or do anything. This simply was not for me. That was it.

 

Three weeks later, he emailed me a very emotional (manipulative) song and dance about how devastated he was. We met, he said the time apart showed him he couldn't be without me (ego stroking). Aside from starting the affair, this was my worst mistake. I should have told him to contact me when he was divorced and left. I alluded to his and he said he needed me to get through this process (red flag). He established a 120 day timeline (another red flag).

 

The next four months, he saw an attorney but didn't retain her (another red flag), looked at apartments but didn't put a deposit on one (another red flag), and continually reminded me that he was sure he wanted to divorce.

 

Six weeks into his timeline, he told his wife he wasn't happy and "probably" wanted a divorce. He continually denied an affair. Per her request, he went to marriage counseling while his wife also went to IC. My guilt from the point she knew he was unhappy forward was horrific. Still, he assured me that would end yet he seemed to enjoy her begging him to stay (huge red flag).

 

I wanted to end it throughout. I realized no one would believe we met later. I wasn't prepared to be the hated woman who crushed his wife. I knew his children and extended family wouldn't accept me. I wouldn't put my children in the middle of any of that. I explained all of this to him but he told me just to wait. He was absolutely sure it would all work out (living in a fantasy world).

 

So in the end he panicked, told me I wasn't understanding enough, referred to his wife and I as his two masters, and said he needed to be alone to think. Nothing about realizing he loved his wife, nothing about his children. It was all about him.

 

I finally realized selfishness was driving him all along. He had become a cake eater. He felt totally in control of two women. I knew I was done but I felt partially responsible for what he had done to his wife by telling her he was unhappy yet denying her the truth. That email told me he wasn't planning to recommit to his wife. He was enjoying the power.

 

I told her the truth. His biggest mistake was showing his true colors believing I'd still wait after being put in my place. After his wife confronted him, he sent a couple more desperate emails trying to minimize the affair and his plans. Unknown to him, his wife already had emails that clearly showed he was continuing to lie. Regardless, she and I wished each other well and that was it.

 

I hope for her sake and their children that he finally owned it and actively participated in fixing their marriage.

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I ended my affair a few months in. After spending a holiday without him while he celebrated with his family, I knew this situation wasn't for me. I was resolute. I knew what I needed and knew I deserved to be more than a secret. I also knew I couldn't handle the guilty feelings about his wife. I had been a wife and mother. I couldn't justify any of it. I wrote him an email, plainly listed the realities, and wished him well. He called me before he opened it so I explained the contents. He panicked and said he needed time to think about what to do. I told him he didn't have to think about or do anything. This simply was not for me. That was it.

 

Three weeks later, he emailed me a very emotional (manipulative) song and dance about how devastated he was. We met, he said the time apart showed him he couldn't be without me (ego stroking). Aside from starting the affair, this was my worst mistake. I should have told him to contact me when he was divorced and left. I alluded to his and he said he needed me to get through this process (red flag). He established a 120 day timeline (another red flag).

 

The next four months, he saw an attorney but didn't retain her (another red flag), looked at apartments but didn't put a deposit on one (another red flag), and continually reminded me that he was sure he wanted to divorce.

 

Six weeks into his timeline, he told his wife he wasn't happy and "probably" wanted a divorce. He continually denied an affair. Per her request, he went to marriage counseling while his wife also went to IC. My guilt from the point she knew he was unhappy forward was horrific. Still, he assured me that would end yet he seemed to enjoy her begging him to stay (huge red flag).

 

I wanted to end it throughout. I realized no one would believe we met later. I wasn't prepared to be the hated woman who crushed his wife. I knew his children and extended family wouldn't accept me. I wouldn't put my children in the middle of any of that. I explained all of this to him but he told me just to wait. He was absolutely sure it would all work out (living in a fantasy world).

 

So in the end he panicked, told me I wasn't understanding enough, referred to his wife and I as his two masters, and said he needed to be alone to think. Nothing about realizing he loved his wife, nothing about his children. It was all about him.

 

I finally realized selfishness was driving him all along. He had become a cake eater. He felt totally in control of two women. I knew I was done but I felt partially responsible for what he had done to his wife by telling her he was unhappy yet denying her the truth. That email told me he wasn't planning to recommit to his wife. He was enjoying the power.

 

I told her the truth. His biggest mistake was showing his true colors believing I'd still wait after being put in my place. After his wife confronted him, he sent a couple more desperate emails trying to minimize the affair and his plans. Unknown to him, his wife already had emails that clearly showed he was continuing to lie. Regardless, she and I wished each other well and that was it.

 

I hope for her sake and their children that he finally owned it and actively participated in fixing their marriage.

 

 

congrats for ending it after a few months.

man, it seems like they all freak out at the end when they say they r going to do something about their situation. i do believe that MAYBE some of them mean when they say "i will do something", but when the reality strikes, they become Pu$$!es.

 

how are u feeling? how long since the affair happened?

 

take care

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HappyAgain2014
congrats for ending it after a few months.

man, it seems like they all freak out at the end when they say they r going to do something about their situation. i do believe that MAYBE some of them mean when they say "i will do something", but when the reality strikes, they become Pu$$!es.

 

how are u feeling? how long since the affair happened?

 

take care

 

Men aren't complicated. Most aren't the best planners,meaning if they decide to DO something, they DO it. Women are the planners who sort through details.

 

With my xMM, I don't doubt he intended to do it when he established the timeline. What I missed was what would happen in his head when the conflict avoidance intersected with the directness required to implement his plan.

 

This ended more than two years ago. i've owned my part and moved on. I got married last year to a wonderful man.

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Men aren't complicated. Most aren't the best planners,meaning if they decide to DO something, they DO it. Women are the planners who sort through details.

 

With my xMM, I don't doubt he intended to do it when he established the timeline. What I missed was what would happen in his head when the conflict avoidance intersected with the directness required to implement his plan.

 

This ended more than two years ago. i've owned my part and moved on. I got married last year to a wonderful man.

 

 

oh that s so awesome. i did not know that. congratulations

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How did they take it when u went NC? How long after they tried to reach out?

Did u go back into the relationship? What are the usual stories they tell when they come back?

 

Don't know how he took my silence.

Then months later met him at a supermarket (that was unplanned, oh my...) so after that he got in touch. I ignored. Then he got in touch again. I ignored...then l had a mishap with my phone (changed and his number was in a pit of my sim card in a new phone where I didn't recognise it...he called and I answered).

I have spoken to and texted him since but am not interested in being friends really...he still tries texting from time to time.

He told me that it was the wife who made him type the last messages he sent to me that time...whatever. Its ok she is entitled to...

 

The thing has been done for more than 2yrs now and I am completely over it.

Whilst I don't wish him any harm and I hope they are genuinely happy(they just had another baby lol)...he (and men like him) kinda need to f**k off :D

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How did they take it when u went NC? How long after they tried to reach out?

Did u go back into the relationship? What are the usual stories they tell when they come back?

 

My exMM contacted me out of the blue decades after the A. No, I had no interest. I had left the A when I got bored. Why would I go back?

 

He contacted about someone we had both known passing away.

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Grapesofwrath
I guess I say he will 'never' because I left with my dignity, I said "Enough!" and I stayed gone. Whatever issues in him or his life that caused him to have an A instead of face them? He STILL has them because he has done nothing to fix or change anything. But I worked on myself to make sure I never find myself in that painful place again. Even if he gets over me--like any ex bf or gf--I don't care. The NC and working on me was all about making MY life awesome, not teaching him any lesson.

 

The goal should always be to live your best possible life. When you focus on you, other people's choices no longer matter or hurt.

 

I could go on and on about what I learned from the whole experience because I learned a lot, but the most important thing related to getting out and staying out was that I had to acknowledge honestly that my MM was hurting me, not loving me. He was taking the best of me and leaving me empty. He was playing on my emotions, manipulating the situation to his benefit. If he really loved me, he would not be hurting me day after day (in all those affair ways--no holidays, hiding in public, leaving me for their vacations).

 

When I went NC and stayed there, he watched me take my dignity back, and that improved his view of me. Forever.

 

But no matter what he does or does not do, I am happier without someone who knowingly hurt two women. And I will never make the mistake of believing someone's words over their actions again, no matter who they are.

 

You can do this. You need to stay NC by giving yourself all the love and support you needed from him. Plan fun things, treat yourself, tell yourself all the wonderful things about yourself that you know are true, eat good food, smile at people, journal, cry, make yourself tea, take naps, read self-help stuff, do whatever! I did not feel better overnight. I would say that I got 1% better each day. But, I DID get better while staying NC. And I worked hard on getting better. I made it my job to be great to myself, to take care of myself. You deserve it. If you happen to mess up and break NC, get right back on the horse and do it again. Do not give your power back to somebody that is not watching out for you. You watch out for you now . . . by staying away from people who knowingly hurt you.

 

This post is a little slice of genius.

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