Red light flashing?

[Amberbelle1]

Over the last two months I have seen a big change in my mm behaviour towards me.

 

We speak and text daily which is pleasant enough but seeing him physically in person has massively reduced! Specifically two hours in the last three weeks. He even said to me when he was on his way to visit " I only have two hours" that made a dent in my heart... It really upset me- I really wanted to spend some time with him. Some of you are probably thinking what does she expect he is married and is unavailable after all!

 

The reason why he has not been able to see me as much is that he started a new job in a different town and it comes with long hours. I know he is genuinely working, but he is not making any mention to make plans and always complains about how stressed he is feeling. I just don't know what to do anymore with this situation?

 

I can't even talk to him about it face to face because he does not have time to spend to talk. I am also conscious that if he wanted to see me he would try his hardest to? What am I to do? Is this the red light flashing that he is not interested anymore and using busyness as an excuse?

 

I know in my heart this affair is going to burn out and I know it's going to end in time. Really makes me sad and sick to the stomach that I am going to have to take a large shot of courage and end it- I need more which he can't provide. I think he will continue along until I say it's over. It works for him as he knows he has me where he wants me- available.

Addiction, love and a little hope has been holding me back.

He is off on his family vacation in a months time and I won't be able to speak at all for 3 weeks- is this a blessing in disguise?

[eye of the storm]

Amberbelle, the last 6 months or so of my A I started to realize I wanted more. I wanted things my MM couldn't/wouldn't give me. But I was comfortable and for the most part happy in the A.

 

 

 

 

 

My MM getting a job offer and needing to move away was the perfect opportunity for us.

 

He initially wanted us to maintain the A long distance. I felt it was time to move on though. So I told him no. That when he left we were done. He understood and supported my decision.

 

 

What you need to do, for you, is decide when it is time to be done. It sounds like you are moving that direction. Maybe his vacation is the time. When he leaves you move on. This will end when you decide you want more. You are in control.

 

I hope you find happiness.

[GypsumSatellite]

When you have 3 weeks to be away from him and no hope of contact or a visit... it's going to gear your mind for when he returns and (as is typical) needs to see you as soon as possible. You will be comfortable enough by that point to take your time in not only getting back to him slowly but in making time to see him.

 

Don't think this will be true? Let's just say MM going away on vacation isn't some 3 week bliss of no worries. He's going to be around his W, his kids, possibly in-laws, other family? Who knows. Thing is, you provide your MM with a pressure release. Whatever it is that drove him to enter into an EMR will be in overdrive while he's gone. He'll itch to see you when he gets back home.

 

It is true, we don't miss what we have til it's gone. The space will give you a buffer for missing him and the time apart will light a fire under him in some respect.

 

The other thing is, you may find yourself so capable of being happy without him you may not really need him much when he returns. You're already able to handle 2 hours over a 3 week period and you're about to handle 0 hours over a 3 week period next. What exactly is he providing for you in this low contact/low visitation relationship? You need to think about that.

 

There's also this to consider: Why does he go completely NC on you during his vacation? Why not ask him to stay in touch? Heck, if you've been together long enough, he could fake a stomach illness and call you once a week. See what he says. Determine what you'll say if he makes some excuse as to why he can't stay in touch.

[m4p]

Morality about infidelity aside, one basic point I've learnt in all my past relationships is that if someone wants to keep in touch with you, they will be able to find all kinds of ways to do so.

 

if you feel that he is starting to pull back or is being colder than usual, then what you feel is probably true.

 

my xMM kept in touch with me even if we don't meet for weeks or months. it's kinda sickening when i think of it now, but he was always texting me to check in and sneaking calls to me during his many vacations with his wife throughout our A. we never had a single day pass without a good night text.

 

All in all, it always feels good to know that someone is making an effort to reciprocate and sustain a relationship.

 

if he isn't pulling his weight (and honestly a MM really don't need to do that much in the first place, its not like you're asking him to mow the lawn or retile the bathroom floor), it seems like his heart just isn't in this anymore.

 

Ask him outright if you want. As painful as it is, if this is an opportunity to do so then end it once and for all. Nothing good's gonna come out of it- what more with a half-hearted AP.

 

good luck!

[lookingforclosure]

When you have 3 weeks to be away from him and no hope of contact or a visit... it's going to gear your mind for when he returns and (as is typical) needs to see you as soon as possible. You will be comfortable enough by that point to take your time in not only getting back to him slowly but in making time to see him.

 

Don't think this will be true? Let's just say MM going away on vacation isn't some 3 week bliss of no worries. He's going to be around his W, his kids, possibly in-laws, other family? Who knows. Thing is, you provide your MM with a pressure release. Whatever it is that drove him to enter into an EMR will be in overdrive while he's gone. He'll itch to see you when he gets back home.

 

It is true, we don't miss what we have til it's gone. The space will give you a buffer for missing him and the time apart will light a fire under him in some respect.

 

This is so true. My therapist has said the same thing. We provide a pressure release, and things don't get better over night...trust me. They can go for weeks or months but then something hits them and they want to overwhelm you with texts and just "have" to see you. I have experienced this first hand after xMM dropped off the radar for 4 months. The last time my xMM popped up was after a 3 day weekend at the beach with his family. We are in NC as he is "trying" to make his marriage work...yet AGAIN. I'm sure his week vacation will be filled with rainbows and butterflies...lol

[Amberbelle1]

Thank you so much for your replies, they mean a lot. Well the truth is I am feeling so pathetic today- usually I would see him over the weekend but he has told me that he is super busy with kids etc. No time for me at all. He even sent me a list of his agenda for the day to prove he is busy!

 

I am right at the bottom of the list even more now and feeling it to my heart. Our priorities are so different right now. I have not said anything to him because if I say something about how him not spending time with me is upsetting me- his response will be that he is genuinely busy and somehow will make me feel bad for even complaining about it. I can't put my finger on how or why he does this. Any thoughts?

This is why I refrain from saying things most of the time about how I am feeling because it just makes me feel worse when I do!

What is the right way to approach this?

I don't want him to come see me out of pity i want him to come see me because he wants to!

[elaine567]

I don't want him to come see me out of pity i want him to come see me because he wants to!

 

By his actions it is obvious that he doesn't want to, and that is what you have to face here.

I don't know why his interest in you has waned, it may be his work, it may be his kids, it may be guilt, it may be his wife is a bit suspicious, it may be that he just got bored, it may be he has another "plaything" that is taking up his time now...

I don't know, but you have to see his actions here as being significant and you have to start protecting your own heart.

 

He sees you when HE needs to, he doesn't care how long you hang around and wait for him, as long as he gets what HE needs, when HE needs it, whether that is sex, intimacy, cuddling, affection or just talking to a friendly face. This is not about making YOU happy here.

 

I suggest you step back, start doing other things, disengage and consider ending it, before it all starts driving you insane with frustration.

[RainDown]

I don't think anything has changed, really. Having been an OW many times over in my dubious dating history I've participated in numerous discussion forums about the topic, and from what I've experienced there are many and varied kinds of OW. It seems to me that you've been the OW who waits patiently on a shelf while MM lives his life and then plucks you off the shelf at his own whim and convenience, only to put you back on the shelf to wait until he gets around to picking you back up again.

 

I think that's the dynamic you've always had in your affair with him; it's only becoming more noticeable now that he's choosing to pluck you off the shelf less and less.

 

Some OW don't mind this arrangement, but it appears that you are no longer happy with that dynamic now that it has become crystal clear to you.

 

I've said this a million times on a million forums - NEVER get into the habit of waiting for a man. Live your life. Do your thing. A man is simply the icing on the cake that is your life - this is especially true for a married man. Don't make him more important than he really is in the scheme of things - which is 2 hours of icing every couple of weeks with some texts thrown in here and there when he gets a minute.

 

You're letting this guy take up way too much space in your head when the reality is that he makes up probably 1% of your actual life.

 

I'd move on. The emotional investment is not worth the return you're getting.

[wizer]

Use all this extra time you have lately, since you're not spending it with him, to meet a guy who 1- can spend a whole lot more time with you 2- isn't the sort of person to cheat on the person he made a lifetime commitment with and 3- with whom you at least have a chance of building a life with.

[still_an_Angel]

I don't think anything has changed, really. Having been an OW many times over in my dubious dating history I've participated in numerous discussion forums about the topic, and from what I've experienced there are many and varied kinds of OW. It seems to me that you've been the OW who waits patiently on a shelf while MM lives his life and then plucks you off the shelf at his own whim and convenience, only to put you back on the shelf to wait until he gets around to picking you back up again.

 

I think that's the dynamic you've always had in your affair with him; it's only becoming more noticeable now that he's choosing to pluck you off the shelf less and less.

 

Some OW don't mind this arrangement, but it appears that you are no longer happy with that dynamic now that it has become crystal clear to you.

 

I've said this a million times on a million forums - NEVER get into the habit of waiting for a man. Live your life. Do your thing. A man is simply the icing on the cake that is your life - this is especially true for a married man. Don't make him more important than he really is in the scheme of things - which is 2 hours of icing every couple of weeks with some texts thrown in here and there when he gets a minute.

 

You're letting this guy take up way too much space in your head when the reality is that he makes up probably 1% of your actual life.

 

I'd move on. The emotional investment is not worth the return you're getting.

 

 

 

Very good advice! Having your own life to focus on is how it should be, don't wait around for him because as you said, you are at the bottom of his list. Once he realizes that you are busy and have to "squeeze" him in your schedule, he'll have to rethink about his schedule and how to work it with yours if he's truly interested in keeping up with the A.

[MissBee]

I don't think anything has changed, really. Having been an OW many times over in my dubious dating history I've participated in numerous discussion forums about the topic, and from what I've experienced there are many and varied kinds of OW. It seems to me that you've been the OW who waits patiently on a shelf while MM lives his life and then plucks you off the shelf at his own whim and convenience, only to put you back on the shelf to wait until he gets around to picking you back up again.

 

I think that's the dynamic you've always had in your affair with him; it's only becoming more noticeable now that he's choosing to pluck you off the shelf less and less.

 

Some OW don't mind this arrangement, but it appears that you are no longer happy with that dynamic now that it has become crystal clear to you.

 

I've said this a million times on a million forums - NEVER get into the habit of waiting for a man. Live your life. Do your thing. A man is simply the icing on the cake that is your life - this is especially true for a married man. Don't make him more important than he really is in the scheme of things - which is 2 hours of icing every couple of weeks with some texts thrown in here and there when he gets a minute.

 

You're letting this guy take up way too much space in your head when the reality is that he makes up probably 1% of your actual life.

 

I'd move on. The emotional investment is not worth the return you're getting.

 

Great advice!

 

The truth is, for a MM who isn't planning to leave and who has made it clear he has other priorities, and it's just an affair, it is terribly unwise for the OW in that scenario to make him her priority and treat him like a normal, 100% committed bf and then expect the same in return. As you said, the emotional investment is not worth the return.

 

I think there is something to be said for knowing the kind of A you're in and being realistic about it and also being realistic about if it works for you or not. Lots of heartache comes from misunderstanding the situation and expecting more out of it than is possible or on offer.

 

Amberbelle, some of what you said about him becoming increasingly busy because of his new job in a different town reminds me of the beginning of the real end of my A. Basically, the road to the end started with his company getting a new client with a major difference in time zones and him needing to work late and odd hours because of that. It wasn't a lie that this was what was happening at work, but I think he also used that as an excuse for pulling away from the relationship and I got less and less time and more and more excuses, and he even sent me a Excel spreadsheet once of his finances to "prove" why he couldn't afford to come see me (we lived in different countries and would visit each other during the A). Your story reminded me of all of that which boiled down to the fact that it slowly became more excuses. Like my former AP, your MM has always been married, always had kids, always had a job (even if this one is different), but when he wanted what he wanted from the A he found some way to make it fit in. That's the bottom line. When people want something, they fit it in, some way, some how. They will focus on the possibilities and opportunities and turn a blind-eye to the limitations, that's reality. When it switches to them looking more at the why nots, the cants, the excuses, sending spread sheets and calendars is when you need to realize that they are not invested in making things work.