It has been 2 weeks and need support desperately...

[Wakeup1987]

Hi, guys. This is my first post here and like most people, I never expected this would come to me. Never, ever...Since I have no one to talk to I desperately want support from you guys...I lost one of my family members and moved to a new place that I have no friend at all a year ago...so typical...another MM got another emotionally vulnerable girl...

 

 

I have ended it with my MM 2 weeks ago. I kind of ended it acting cool and didn't state it's going to be NC cause what a bummer, I have no choice but seeing him almost everyday at work so thought that was pointless. But right now, I am practicing NC aided by 10 days of vacation I could use...cause he is sending me meaningless MSGs like 'how are you doing' 'hope you are well'...though not that frequently...just once in 2 days or so...I don't want to be rude or hysterical but I just don't have anything to say to him so I am just ignoring them.

 

 

I won't lie...it really hurts to let this go. I cried my eyes out for 3 solid days after I ended it. My life looked so horrible in every way and I couldn't even remember what my dream/goal was in my life.

 

 

Like in many cases of this kind of relationship, I am much younger than my MM..I am 28 and he is 51. I never thought I would feel inferior to him since I always thought my youth is precious but it didn't take long until I started feeling so timid and small thinking he has everything in his life and I have none. It was so damn scary experience sensing that the power dynamics of the relationship being completely flipped so fast and finding myself stuck in a dark and shadowy corner labeled as 'the lowest priority'.

 

 

But you know those legendary hi moments in this kind of relationship...I try not to think about it but whenever I think those moments I shared with him, it drives me crazy feeling nothing could ever replace the feelings I had at the moments. I still imagine how wonderful it would have been if all those fantasies he provided were true...Right now, after all the sparkling moments are gone, my life looks so ugly and pathetic.

 

 

But no matter how it is painful...I know I don't have a choice but ending it. I have never asked him to leave his family seriously though we kind of talked about it many times and he said he was contemplating how he would do it...partly because we have been together only for about 3 months. (He chased me before that for almost 8 months) But I could feel that my case wouldn't be that different from others' and couldn't even bear the current situation not to mention the expected bitter ending.

 

 

I think the relationship with MM is toxic in nature. Not just because it is wrong morally...it's never fair from the start and it goes way worse as time goes by. In a normal relationship with a single guy, you spend time together whenever you can on weekends and keep trying to figure out if this is the right guy for you. But when you are dating with MM, you can't because he is just not available enough so your goal turns out to be just being with him. You don't have the luxury to assess him because even the first step - spending time together enough - can't be fulfilled. Your heart is always full of butterflies, NOT because of the love for him necessarily, but because of the tension and nervousness due to the nature of MM's limited availability. This gets worse on your end as time goes by but the worst part is, the exact opposite would happen to MM. While you are losing your reason to see him objectively cause you simply haven't tasted him enough, he would have to compare you with countless of things including his wife, kids, family life, relatives, family friends, social reputation, money, lifestyle and etc etc....It's not just his wife that you are competing with. My MM used to feel insecurity when it comes to his age...asking me like 'Will you really love me even after 5 years/10 years?'. Thought that was cute and romantic at first but for some reason I could feel that it was not just a simple romantic question. I don't know how much he was sincere to me while he must have been deceptive at some level for sure due to the nature of cheating MM's and probably I would never know forever...

 

 

I don't feel tempted to contact him or resume the relationship again now but I surely feel my heart is empty. As I should go back to work from next Thursday, I am afraid that I might feel much more pathetic and stupid about myself in front of him and burst into tears...

What a waste of my precious weekend and vacation...but I still miss him in the way that he existed in the fantasy world and I hate myself for it.

[Satu]

Sorry that you're hurting so badly.

 

You seem to have a good understanding of yourself and your feelings, and it is that which will get you through this.

 

MM or not, he's a predator who used you.

 

A great resource for you would be Natalie Lue's work.

 

There's a lot of it, so dive in.

 

Love,

 

Satu

[KissofGrace]

We could compare notes and i bet we'll have much in common.

Overall you did do the right thing. It will hurt and it will suck @$$ and you will have moments of, what seems like pure, insanity. You will feel weak and want to contact him---DON'T! get on here and share, vent, write, even if you do not receive a response (which i never have experienced) at least you shared and got it out. Cry, get mad, but stay strong and if you aren't strong find strength somewhere, i have found this forum to give me plenty food for thought.

2 weeks is a long time, and i'm sure it feels like an eternity. It will get easier, day by day...in my case it has. what helps me is to read and re-read his messages with all his lies and how he turned crap around on me and blamed me for just about everything. Find something that will help you to continuously see just how wrong all this was, even if our twisted minds compartmentalized everything so that it would be okay.

you will read some really good advice here and even some not so nice comments, but what do we expect when we are the OW and many will not understand.

The good thing is that you are here and i hope you read and share more in hopes that you will gain support and strength. Both you and I have just boarded the roller coster so hang on and don't get off too soon. It is all easier said then done, it always is. All the best.

[Popsicle]

First off, I want to say that I am so proud of you for being strong enough to end it now (and first) before more intense pain comes. Second, you are completely clear headed about this and that is amazingly good. Third, you're doing the right thing for you both and you are not pathetic, you are totally awesome for being proactive and you should realize that you have better opportunities in life ahead of you.

 

I ended mine the same way (no word just stopped talking to him) and I, too, get the "hope all is well" messages from time to time. I know that he just does that to draw me back into the same place we were before.

[Southern Sun]

You have a great deal of insight. Good for you for making the right decision.

 

We have similar situations - work affair, older MM, power imbalance, he the pursuer. However I am also married, which certainly changes the dynamic. I am at 6 weeks NC now.

 

I just want to encourage you to stay the course. I found it impossible to totally end the affair while still working for him. Ultimately it required a D Day and me quitting for the affair to end, and even then, it took some more time for me to fully see the light. It is just so confusing, the mixed messages, all the crazy emotions. So I feel your pain and I worry for you for when you return to work. It will be hard. Is there anything you can do about finding another job? It sounds extreme but you may find it to be necessary for your healing.

 

You KNOW what is right, you have written it all here.

 

Just hold to your decision and barrel through the hard parts. It gets better.

[xpaperxcutx]

Keep NC.

 

The fact that a 51 year old man would cheat on his wife says a lot about him. And as someone has stated, he preyed on your youth and your kindness.

 

You are intuitive about your needs so continue to keep him out of your life. If need be, block him from contacting you so you can move on and heal. By allowing him to continue to be able to contact is incredibly detrimental to you moving on.

[veryhappy]

He sounds like a creepy pervert who stalked you until you caved. 8 months? Most people get a refusal sooner than that. I doubt it's his first time, and he's probably into the conquest. That's why he turned cool and made you feel small once he had you. He's the definition of being unavailable, probably even to himself.

 

 

I wish you good luck to get rid of him and if you do work with him, and not just seeing him occasionally at work, please see if you can find something else. If he's somehow your superior at work, that will make your life miserable and it will augment your hurt.

[GoldieLox]

This is going to be tough. It would be tough even if you didn't work with him, but that fact alone is going to make it about ten times harder, I just want to give you a heads up. Have you thought about individual counseling? I know what it's like to kind of "forget" your dream and place in life. I'm going through it right now, and it's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I'm questioning everything about myself. I'm at almost 14 weeks NC. My exAP refuses to even acknowledge I exist at work everyday. I mean I kind of want it that way, but your self esteem really takes a toll through these experiences. If it gets to be too much, you may want to consider a job transfer or something along those lines. Keep your head up.

[annie0677]

Hi, guys. This is my first post here and like most people, I never expected this would come to me. Never, ever...Since I have no one to talk to I desperately want support from you guys...I lost one of my family members and moved to a new place that I have no friend at all a year ago...so typical...another MM got another emotionally vulnerable girl...

 

 

I have ended it with my MM 2 weeks ago. I kind of ended it acting cool and didn't state it's going to be NC cause what a bummer, I have no choice but seeing him almost everyday at work so thought that was pointless. But right now, I am practicing NC aided by 10 days of vacation I could use...cause he is sending me meaningless MSGs like 'how are you doing' 'hope you are well'...though not that frequently...just once in 2 days or so...I don't want to be rude or hysterical but I just don't have anything to say to him so I am just ignoring them.

 

 

I won't lie...it really hurts to let this go. I cried my eyes out for 3 solid days after I ended it. My life looked so horrible in every way and I couldn't even remember what my dream/goal was in my life.

 

 

Like in many cases of this kind of relationship, I am much younger than my MM..I am 28 and he is 51. I never thought I would feel inferior to him since I always thought my youth is precious but it didn't take long until I started feeling so timid and small thinking he has everything in his life and I have none. It was so damn scary experience sensing that the power dynamics of the relationship being completely flipped so fast and finding myself stuck in a dark and shadowy corner labeled as 'the lowest priority'.

 

 

But you know those legendary hi moments in this kind of relationship...I try not to think about it but whenever I think those moments I shared with him, it drives me crazy feeling nothing could ever replace the feelings I had at the moments. I still imagine how wonderful it would have been if all those fantasies he provided were true...Right now, after all the sparkling moments are gone, my life looks so ugly and pathetic.

 

 

But no matter how it is painful...I know I don't have a choice but ending it. I have never asked him to leave his family seriously though we kind of talked about it many times and he said he was contemplating how he would do it...partly because we have been together only for about 3 months. (He chased me before that for almost 8 months) But I could feel that my case wouldn't be that different from others' and couldn't even bear the current situation not to mention the expected bitter ending.

 

 

I think the relationship with MM is toxic in nature. Not just because it is wrong morally...it's never fair from the start and it goes way worse as time goes by. In a normal relationship with a single guy, you spend time together whenever you can on weekends and keep trying to figure out if this is the right guy for you. But when you are dating with MM, you can't because he is just not available enough so your goal turns out to be just being with him. You don't have the luxury to assess him because even the first step - spending time together enough - can't be fulfilled. Your heart is always full of butterflies, NOT because of the love for him necessarily, but because of the tension and nervousness due to the nature of MM's limited availability. This gets worse on your end as time goes by but the worst part is, the exact opposite would happen to MM. While you are losing your reason to see him objectively cause you simply haven't tasted him enough, he would have to compare you with countless of things including his wife, kids, family life, relatives, family friends, social reputation, money, lifestyle and etc etc....It's not just his wife that you are competing with. My MM used to feel insecurity when it comes to his age...asking me like 'Will you really love me even after 5 years/10 years?'. Thought that was cute and romantic at first but for some reason I could feel that it was not just a simple romantic question. I don't know how much he was sincere to me while he must have been deceptive at some level for sure due to the nature of cheating MM's and probably I would never know forever...

 

 

I don't feel tempted to contact him or resume the relationship again now but I surely feel my heart is empty. As I should go back to work from next Thursday, I am afraid that I might feel much more pathetic and stupid about myself in front of him and burst into tears...

What a waste of my precious weekend and vacation...but I still miss him in the way that he existed in the fantasy world and I hate myself for it.

 

Stay calm honey.

When we love someone and have to let go off that person, it hurts. You already know that pain. You know it all actually.

Things will be fine. I just want to support you coz I understand the pain. I don't like to judge anyone, I don't even believe judging people ...because no one can really understand what goes on inside our hearts, but I want to say that this too shall pass.

One day at a time, and soon you'll be a strong person. Don't give in to the ones who never loved us or for whom we were just an option. Love yourself, you are special that's why he has to chase you for 8 months.

Forget him, you will find many better people in life.

 

Forget him.

Blessings.

[SycamoreCircle]

In a normal relationship with a single guy, you spend time together whenever you can on weekends and keep trying to figure out if this is the right guy for you. But when you are dating with MM, you can't because he is just not available enough so your goal turns out to be just being with him. You don't have the luxury to assess him because even the first step - spending time together enough - can't be fulfilled. Your heart is always full of butterflies, NOT because of the love for him necessarily, but because of the tension and nervousness due to the nature of MM's limited availability.

Going forward, I think it would be helpful for you to try and focus on why you feel this way? Why, when you've been in a relationship with a single guy, do you keep trying to figure out if he's right for you? Why do you need this tension in your relationships?

 

I would dare to suggest it goes back to your home life, possibly your relationship with your father. Forgive me if I'm off the mark, but did you have an emotionally withholding father? "Daddy issues" is a pejorative term, but it does have validity.

 

A mature, loving relationship doesn't need peril to hold it together. The trust and security that continues to compound within the relationship is what deepens the excitement between the two people. Begin to deeply consider that.

[GirlStillStrong]

I want to point out the age difference. He chose to pursue you because you are still young and impressionable, that is, still easily controlled and manipulated by a guy like that. I'm telling you this so you can see him for what he really is. I know what it's like to be in love with someone who does not have my best interests at heart. Please understand that the way these guys think, their motivations and M.O.s, are completely foreign to us, don't make rational sense, because we don't think like them and have love and attention as our motivation. We attribute certain things they do, like buying us stuff or doing things for us, as love when in reality it is something wholly different. Having sex with them distorts our thinking, makes us more vulnerable and unable to see the truth about who they are and what they are doing. So at the very least, if you do nothing else, remain steadfast in refusal to have sex with him and very soon what would make you cry upon seeing him will fade.

 

You are still young yet. Life really doesn't even begin until you're 30. Your 20s are for learning very important lessons to get you through the rest of your life in strength and resiliency. So focus your attention on finding the lesson this experience was meant to teach you. Get together with your girlfriends, tell them everything, and watch how they react. Get busy working on you. Create new dreams and goals, and pursue them. Leave this guy in the dust where he belongs. Recognize that your presence in his life and in his bed did more for his ego than anything his presence in yours ever did for you. Whatever it is that makes you cry, grieve the loss of the innocence that existed before you learned that lesson, toughen your mind against believing that again, and move on. Life is filled with horrible lessons and you have allowed this man into yours so that you could learn one of them. Once you have learned what that was, it is easy to be strong and move on. You are not the same person you were when you started with this guy. You are older, wiser, and stronger. Today, this very moment, you need to stop hating yourself. Do not allow this creep to weaken you any more than he already has. Soon he will be a forgotten memory, I promise you.

 

Love and hugs from an almost old lady.