Lonely73 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I am a MOW involved with a MOM for almost 7 months. We have never had an argument or dispute--until now. We have always teased each other and had a playful relationship, but last Saturday, I apparently crossed an invisible line bY calling him a name. although I was kidding, he immediately took offense and told me not to contact him anymore. I told him if something so minor would cause a breakup thanks obviously did not feel anything for me and said goodbye. We have not talked since. It is now Thursday. He is stubborn and proud, as am I and I don't know what to do next. I am in the process of leaving my husband, regardless of how things turn out with my AP. I guess my questions are, is it really over and how do I stop thinking about him? I have strong feelings for him and it is a first type of thing for both of us. I believe he cares for me quite a bit as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 You will have to ask him, if you want to know where things stand. If you want to work through the issue, then go ahead and reach out. If you don't really care to continue, then you can maintain your stance. I can be stubborn and prideful like that too, and I realized after many years that it never gets me what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonely73 Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 It's so hard! I know on the one hand that it would probably be best to have it end now. Don't all A's end at some point? But I cannot imagine my life without him and think about him constantly! It's awful. I feel like some sort of lovesick teenager! I cry, then I am resolved to be okay, then I cry again.... Link to post Share on other sites
Foodjunkie79 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I think it depends on the 'name' you called him and weather you feel it was an over-reaction? Was the line you crossed that bad that it warrants all contact being cut? Could it not have been resolved with a simple apology? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 What's the name that you called him? It's up to him to decide if it's over or not, I mean, sometimes some things cannot be undone or unsaid, even in jest, as many times what we "joke" about reveals a lot about us as well. If you are distraught over it and if you're the one who called him the name it's gonna be up to you to reach out and see if he is open to forgiving you. On the other hand, if you're leaving your husband and he doesn't plan on leaving his wife, it may be a blessing in disguise as, as you said, it would have had to end sooner or later and the fact it happened sooner might be better for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I wonder what you called him? What line did you cross? Sometimes playfulness accidentally gets a bit close to the bone if you don't know somebody very well. It's up to you what you do. If it was truly offensive and you want to continue with him maybe you should apologise and say you never intended to upset him.... I assume you didn't? If he isn't leaving his wife, it will be better to stop now. When you are single again, the game will change for you. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Seems he used your name calling as an out, to end the affair which means he may not have been as invested in it as you were. Take this as a blessing in disguise, as you said, affairs do end and most of the time not well especially if you're caught. Focus on ending your marriage and healing. I know easier said than done but try your best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 Seems he used your name calling as an out, to end the affair which means he may not have been as invested in it as you were. Take this as a blessing in disguise, as you said, affairs do end and most of the time not well especially if you're caught. Focus on ending your marriage and healing. I know easier said than done but try your best. I did the same thing. Saw an opening/out, blew something more out of proportion than it needed to be. Threw in a couple of other petty slights, and voila, back to just my wife. Not patting myself on the back, but take it as a blessing. When you're single, and he's married, you will fight a lot more. MOM like it when there MOW's marriage is not ending. On the downside, yes, but not ending. Men have huge egos, and when the wives start complaining about their husbands, the rooster knows he's the alpha, #1 in her life. That, plus great sex keeps him coming back for more and more When MOW becomes single, now she's in the dating pool. And speaking from experience, you do feel the insecurity of not being # 1 any more. In hindsight, I wish I handled it better. I was a complete phony pretending I was happy for her. It was a one more great indication that I loved her as much as I loved my ego being stroked. Yes, I did love her, but when you love someone you have to let them go right? I finally did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 15, 2015 Share Posted May 15, 2015 I am a MOW involved with a MOM for almost 7 months. We have never had an argument or dispute--until now. We have always teased each other and had a playful relationship, but last Saturday, I apparently crossed an invisible line bY calling him a name. although I was kidding, he immediately took offense and told me not to contact him anymore. I told him if something so minor would cause a breakup thanks obviously did not feel anything for me and said goodbye. We have not talked since. It is now Thursday. He is stubborn and proud, as am I and I don't know what to do next. I am in the process of leaving my husband, regardless of how things turn out with my AP. I guess my questions are, is it really over and how do I stop thinking about him? I have strong feelings for him and it is a first type of thing for both of us. I believe he cares for me quite a bit as well. Sounds like he wanted an out, and chose this as the catalyst. I would be willing to wager that your move to leave your husband has him shrinking back to his wife and comfort zone. He probably doesn't have serious intentions of leaving his wife, and may feel some pressure to decide what to do with this affair because of that. You may not be feeling a lot of grief over your decision to separate from your husband right now, because of being caught up in this affair, but I think you need to take your mind off the affair and properly come to terms with your losing your husband. I don't know your back story, and perhaps you feel that you've resolved that issue by the choice of leaving him. However, once that is final, that's going to come back. So, maybe you need to focus on preparing for that. A break-up of a marriage is going to be a lot more difficult than losing a partner of an affair. Don't stretch yourself thin by trying to deal with both at the same time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonely73 Posted May 15, 2015 Author Share Posted May 15, 2015 Thank you for all of the advice. I am just so confused by his actions bc the day before he was so loving, planning our next day together. It's so painful. I texted him a crying face today and he texted one back but no other contact. So I don't know if he really does mean he wants no contact and is sad about it too or what. I am just trying to be strong and keep my game face on at home. I know it will be easier....one day. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 Wonder what word you used? I would apologize profusely for "crossing the line" and leave it at that. There might be more to it, or something going on in his home life that struck and offended him. Give him time, he texted you back but it seems he's asking you to stand back given it was just an emoticon and no message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonely73 Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 I just feel crazy sometimes. Likey heart is literally broken in two. I miss everything about him. I know he misses me too. Deep down I know it. He could be "himself" with me when he had to be proper and toe the line with his wife. We were free to be us together. But he has young kids. Who also mean a lot to him. I am just trying to be strong but I do t know how. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 What did you call him? Did you call him a cheater? If so, then I can see him stepping so far back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonely73 Posted May 16, 2015 Author Share Posted May 16, 2015 I called him the biggest pussy I have ever met. He is black and I am white so we have experienced some cultural differences before. But I guess this may have been worse, to him, than calling him the n*** word. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 16, 2015 Share Posted May 16, 2015 You'd have a better grasp of why he is stepping outside his marriage and he probably felt emasculated by your comment. If that is the crux of the problem, then he may be rethinking his choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonely73 Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 Still no contact. He accidentally texted me a couple of days ago but the message was meant for a business contact that shares the same name he has for me in his phone (a male name). He obviously has not blocked me or deleted me. How many of your ap's have initiated contact after they broke it off for the first time? Or was the first break up it? Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 Still no contact. He accidentally texted me a couple of days ago but the message was meant for a business contact that shares the same name he has for me in his phone (a male name). He obviously has not blocked me or deleted me. How many of your ap's have initiated contact after they broke it off for the first time? Or was the first break up it? Of course he still has your number. He is cheating on his wife with you. Do you really expect him to properly and respectfully end a relationship the right way and consider your needs and feelings? A married person in an affair only cares about themselves and their own feelings. Your own situation should be telling you this. You are getting a divorce, and your biggest worry is the man you were having an affair with. Has the reality of you being divorced even sunk in for you yet? You need to forget about this guy and focus on your own life that seems to be currently in shambles. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 I'm sure he's just bluffing. And texting you by mistake? Yeah sure ..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lonely73 Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 So he contacted me an came back. Funny thing is, the past couple of days I have felt so conflicted about being with him. I know my marriage is over and was before he entered the picture. I am working on moving forward to end things properly with H and H is aware that I do not want to be married. But I feel like my presence in MOM's life is difficult for him. I think he is very conflicted internally and I swing between feeling like I should end it, to stop his confusion, guilt etc and between my own selfish feelings of sadness and hurt without him. I want to do the right thing, honestly for his well being at this point but is so hard. I don't want him to feel like a bad person or feel at some point that I am a bad person (more than I already do) for being involved with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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