MM and BS will meet soon.

[sisa]

MM will back to home town for a month soon after their 9 month separation. They did meet in between but not month long. MM told me BS seems very sure to want to divorce him and they don't talk much during these months, he told me they are not like before, there is distance between them.

 

I really afraid things between then going to change to be intimate again during this month, I feel panic. MM tell me nothings will change, they are just searching for smooth ending, is that true? I feel they might find a feelings between each other again. He told me she know my existence for 2 years now, so why now change.

 

I wish to believe him, he told me he will be single soon. I want to ask the OW or OM, how do you think I should do in this month, my thinking is endure this month and bring him good feelings when he meet me, but it's so hard when I know he with her all the day, I feel angry, and I feel my drama later will destroy our relationship. What I can do can let him with me soon.

[Giggle]

They might. You don't really have the right to get mad about it. They are married. Accept it as a very real probability that they'd "be intimate". Shrug.

[Sassy Girl]

They might. You don't really have the right to get mad about it. They are married. Accept it as a very real probability that they'd "be intimate". Shrug.

 

This. He's proven he is a liar. That's what you won. Happy days, right?

[sisa]

seperate for 9 months for limit contact, things might still change for a month? BS knows he is not going to leave me, so she will still want keep mirrage? What can I do in this month, should I tell BS I am going to live with him in another city?

[Popsicle]

It really could go either way. My xMM spent months apart from his W while working and they were not on bad terms, they were good terms. I thought for sure that when he returned, they would have hysterical bonding from missing each other so much and I would be toast. I prepared myself for this. Boy, was I wrong. He contacted me without my prompting as soon as he returned home and then says he needed a vacation away from them. I was shocked. I don't think he even realized what he was saying.

 

So you really don't know how he's going to feel. I don't blame you for being scared though. You should be all the way up until his divorce is finalized.

[Popsicle]

What can I do in this month, should I tell BS I am going to live with him in another city?

 

No, let him handle it.

[SoleMate]

To clarify, MM explains this 1-month trip to spend time with his BS as a "search for a smooth ending"? No other reason given? Then I'd suggest this is very worrisome, as that explanation is not plausible or compatible with the thought that he is devoted to you and determined to leave her. No authentically divorcing couple with the H involved in an open affair is ever going to make a point of spending 1 month together. (Doing so would likely increase conflict, not reduce it.....if they were really divorcing.) Instead, lawyers can work out all the details. OTOH, if a wife thinks her husband might be getting distant during his away timer, she might insist on him visiting home for a month so they can renew their bond. I'd suggest it's likely he's going there to spend time with her and smooth over the marriage.

[sisa]

and when we meet each other, should I just act like a girl very happy to see him? or I should tell him my honest feelings

[SoleMate]

That depends....what is your goal?

 

If you want an honest, acknowledged relationship built on monogamy, then sadly, there are no special words or actions you can take to convert this cheater MM into an honest and fair partner. The best action is to break up with him.

 

If you want to enable continuation of the A as long as possible, then you should be thrilled to see him, ask no questions, make no demands, and let him set the terms of your interaction unilaterally. Low drama, discreet, compliant AP's will last longest as far as the MM is concerned.

[sisa]

Hi SoleMate, I exactly think the same thing and I asked him, I said his action is conflict with the thoughts they are going to divorce. He told me he is very sure about she want it and he want their mirrage can end in a smooth term because it will be good for long term that she don't hate he and me so much.

 

I always question his one month plan is want to make her change mind, he deny this, and I feel if I keep asking everyday, he might feel I am very annoying. Should I just trust him and wait for a month?

 

If she change her mind what can I do? MM said we should to let her talk divorce herself so the situation will be more smooth, but I really dubt after their one month stay together, will she really will divorce as she told me? I want to have a plan if she don't divorce him finally what should I do, should I told her MM and me will live together? MM said I should tell when he and me already live together. If BS know her husband live with other girl, will she just give up?

[sisa]

My plan is let he divorce with her, so he and me can have normal relationship. Could OW and MM help me to think about the plan how to do?

Edited May 12, 2015 by sisa

[Lovebug66]

and when we meet each other, should I just act like a girl very happy to see him? or I should tell him my honest feelings

 

I have learned the hard way, you should always be able to tell your partner your honest feelings. Do you want to live an authentic life or are you willing to do anything to be with him? If you sell yourself out just to be with him, you will continue to then wake up one day wondering where your life and self esteem went. It's not worth it, trust me.

[MissBee]

Sisa,

 

I've asked you before, not sure if you replied, but why are you scared about their feelings for each other?

 

MM said he wanted you and his wife, so you've known ALL along that he wasn't one of those MM who didn't want his wife anymore. His wife chose not to oblige his desire for both of you so is divorcing him. However, let's say things rekindle, what would be the difference? He has never said he didn't want her, the only reason he is divorcing is because SHE is divorcing him....so I guess I'm not really understanding the worry. Your MM never stopped loving his wife or wanting to be with her it seems...you seemed fine with it, so why are you scared?

 

Is it that you're scared that since she won't agree to him having you both, she'll tell him to get rid of you and he will do this? Or something else?

 

Also, you keep focusing on what the BS will or won't do. Why? Isn't it MM's choice what to do with his life?

 

Sisa, I feel very badly for you, your story is one of the sadder ones, and I don't mean it in a patronizing way, but I can't fathom being happy in a relationship where I am constantly anxious, every week I have to post a new thread, I need to be meeting with his ex wife, hoping she "gives up", hoping she turns him loose, because he actually still wants her too but she is divorcing him, I have to wonder if he will come back after his month long vacation with his wife and kids, he's asking me for hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy his wife a house...I mean...seriously...this sounds so awful and insane and just sad. This man is a mess, he doesn't respect you and you can do better. You're not happy and I don't think you ever will be happy and secure in this situation, EVER.

Edited May 12, 2015 by MissBee

[sisa]

"she won't agree to him having you both, she'll tell him to get rid of you and he will do this? Or something else?"

 

yes, I afraid this. and I also afraid she won't divorce later, then I cannot marry him and cannot have kids with him.

 

how to do can let Her divorce him, because I know some BS because don't want OW can have chance to marry, so even stay in mirrage even they want divorce. How to act smart in my role.

[Hope Shimmers]

"she won't agree to him having you both, she'll tell him to get rid of you and he will do this? Or something else?"

 

yes, I afraid this. and I also afraid she won't divorce later, then I cannot marry him and cannot have kids with him.

 

how to do can let Her divorce him, because I know some BS because don't want OW can have chance to marry, so even stay in mirrage even they want divorce. How to act smart in my role.

 

Sisa unfortunately right now you have no active role (other than leaving him, which you won't do). You can't control what he does or she does; that's up to them. You are basically just going to have to hope that it works out the way you want it to. They are married and either they will get divorced, or not.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, it sounds like you realistically understand the situation.

You definitely understand that the outcome is based on his wife. She is the element you have no control over. You also have a good point that its possible, especially if you tell her that the two of you plan to live together, that she could change her mind just to keep you from getting what you want. She also asked him to have no communication with him (or visa versa) during this month.

 

To me the smartest move (in order to get what YOU want) would be to request the same from him. Say that you not only want to respect his wife's wishes but to give him an opportunity to end things amicably. Tell him that you realize that there is a chance the situation could go either way and that you intend to "use this time to prepare yourself in the event it doesn't go as you wish so that you will be in a situation to move on." Then tell him you will speak to him again on whatever date a month from then. AND IGNORE his calls or emails.

 

This puts you at the front of his mind during the month, not knowing that you are sitting at home pining for him. Not knowing what you are doing or thinking. It shows him that you have the strength to stand up for yourself and that you aren't so easily managed. His wife had done something similar. It's your best chance of keeping his attention during this month, by taking away his ability to have it or know that it's there waiting for him. This will work to your advantage a hundred times better than being insecure and needy, which is what he expects from you.

 

My real advice, however, is to take the time to work on establishing your independence from him. I'm sure there are plenty of upstanding men who would treasure you and not ask for you to give up one moment of happiness while they juggle another woman. This guy really won't bring happiness into your life.

 

Wishing you the best,

IWWH

[MissBee]

"she won't agree to him having you both, she'll tell him to get rid of you and he will do this? Or something else?"

 

yes, I afraid this. and I also afraid she won't divorce later, then I cannot marry him and cannot have kids with him.

 

how to do can let Her divorce him, because I know some BS because don't want OW can have chance to marry, so even stay in mirrage even they want divorce. How to act smart in my role.

 

Sisa,

 

The BS isn't pulling the strings. Your MM is a grown man who can choose for himself.

 

 

The BS cannot make him do anything. If he wanted to be with you and marry you and have kids with you, he would be the one requesting the divorce. Do you understand that? The fact that SHE is (along with the huge glaring fact that he has never said he doesn't want her), means that you're with a man who doesn't only want you and isn't only committed to you and isn't solely focused on you and marrying you. That is NOT the BS's fault or doing...it's his. The sooner you realize this the better. It's like you refuse to see HIM and how he is and what he is doing but keep looking around for other stuff to blame for this.

 

 

He can divorce her if he wants to. He doesn't want to. You KNEW this. You have an advantage over many OW, in that many MM downplay this fact or lie about it so the OW is blindsided when he pretends he's getting a divorce but dawdles for years and never does, whereas this guy has told you from day one that he wants you and his wife to meet and for her to agree to have you as a sister wife and that's what he wants. This is not a surprise. You already know his best option would be having you both, so I am still confused about why you're acting like you don't know that he still wants his wife and that's his own decision and not anything she is in control of. Why are you settling for hoping she divorces him so he has no other choice but to be with you? It doesn't take away the fact that he still wants her. He isn't really choosing you fully, he never has, and I think you need to wake up and realize this. Even if she does divorce him, he still loves her, he still didn't want it, and he'd likely only be marrying you now because it is convenient and he lost his other option. You're acting like if she divorces him you will be gaining something, you won't be...his feelings about never wanting the divorce will not have changed. Do you understand this? Does it even matter? Do you not care that he hasn't fully chosen you? Do you genuinely think his wife is who is stopping this when he is the one who still wants both of you? Do you believe you will genuinely be happy and in love and he will get over her (even though he will see her frequently because of their kids) if she divorces him and he marries you?

 

It seems you're signing up for an entire lifetime of playing second fiddle and worrying if he is secretly going to reunite with his wife when he goes to visit the kids, when she stops by, if they meet up to discuss something....I don't see an end to these worries even if she divorces him, given that it wasn't his choice and given that if they both still love each other, she's just not putting up with this nonsense and he has no choice, that if at any point either of their feelings change you will be tossed to the side.

Edited May 12, 2015 by MissBee

[summerdowling87]

The BS cannot make him do anything. If he wanted to be with you and marry you and have kids with you, he would be the one requesting the divorce

 

Amen to this I hope one day very soon that Sisa see this I can't for the life of me wonder why she can't/won't see this man for what and who he is..-(A pig)

 

Sisa plz stop wasting your time and good years on this man.

[sisa]

yesterday MM talked with BS on phone (from his talking they are low contact, because she don't want talk with him), he told me BS rent another apartment, so when he back to home town, she will move out.

 

He told me this is very bad for the kids because kid will know somethings is wrong. BS doesn't want MM and I meet when he back to hometown, but I don't understand why at the same time she want to move out. I thought she would use the time to reconcile when MM live with them. Any thoughts? MM said I must feel good things go this way.

[sunburned]

yesterday MM talked with BS on phone (from his talking they are low contact, because she don't want talk with him), he told me BS rent another apartment, so when he back to home town, she will move out.

 

He told me this is very bad for the kids because kid will know somethings is wrong. BS doesn't want MM and I meet when he back to hometown, but I don't understand why at the same time she want to move out. I thought she would use the time to reconcile when MM live with them. Any thoughts? MM said I must feel good things go this way.

 

Each of your posts is more cringe-worthy than the last. Once again, you are getting this prize of a man because his wife no longer wants him. Yours by default. Congrats.

 

He kept telling you he just had to live with them this summer because his wife wanted it that way for the sake of the kids. Now, it seems, she doesn't want him around. When she says she will move out when he returns, I assume you mean she'll move out with the kids. This is contradictory to what he's told you in the past, which is that she wanted to keep the fam together for the kids. Will you at least consider it is he who wants the family together for the summer? That he wants the chance to reconcile with them?

 

He's already saying snarky things like 'oh, sisa, you must be happy this is working out for you.' He's already beginning to place the blame on you for the future. This is why posters always warn OW to make sure their MM are leaving their marriage b/c the marriage is truly over, not leaving for the OW. If the two of you end up together, I fear he will blame you for any fututre fights between you, any problems with the xW, any trouble with the kids, etc. "I left her for you ..."

 

A charmed life awaits ...

[sisa]

No, she will move out herself, kids will still live at home.

[sunburned]

OK, so the kids will live at home with their father. But that scenario demonstrates that she isn't the one who cares about appearances. He is. She is ready to let the kids come to grips with their new reality. He seems unready for this -- in fact he seems unready for his new reality. Her unexpected decision to dump him has sped things up with her in the driver's seat.

 

What you said is: He told me this is very bad for the kids because kid will know somethings is wrong. This was the excuse he gave you originally to justify living with them during the vacation period. He told you it's what SHE wanted. Clearly, it isn't. It's what he wants.

 

BS doesn't want MM and I meet when he back to hometown, but I don't understand why at the same time she want to move out. I thought she would use the time to reconcile when MM live with them.

 

She, to her credit, seems done/disgusted with him. Did she tell you herself she doesn't want the two of you meeting when he returns? Or did he tell you she said that?

 

Based solely on how you've presented your story, I believe he wants the opportunity to reconcile with his wife and family over the vacation, but is presenting it as though these are her demands. I just urge you to proceed with caution.

[sisa]

she and I met at last month, and she told me she doesn't want I meet MM when he back to hometown. MM interprets this talking as she agrees he and I meet in the other city.

 

I am a little surprised she rent another place, but MM is right that I feel relax with this, I do feel uneasy if they are going to live in the same house one month.

Through MM told me nothing will change.

 

do you think BS still love MM?

[Southern Sun]

Something is off, Sisa.

 

Is he just lying about this to get you to stop worrying? Is this a perfect set up - she's getting her own place honey, don't worry, BUTwe can't be in touch anyway - that way you actually have NO idea what's happening over the summer while he's home?

 

Certainly I don't know. But this doesn't make sense to you for a reason.

 

And if it's actually happening, it continues to prove his spinelessness. She's divorcing him, she's moving out, you are getting him because she doesn't want him. Yet he is still playing by all of her rules. He either has no balls or still thinks he can get her back.