Sad and Angry

[skorn]

For the last 3 months, I have been seeing a man. Well he just got out the military and moved here about 5 months ago. In that time his ex wife lost custody of his daughter and he has become a full time Dad. We went from spending once a week together to every single night. I thought he was a single man. It didn't occur to me until Saturday that he still has a girlfriend back where he was stationed. OBVIOUSLY I was upset. I tried to leave he barricaded the door. I stayed the rest of the night, we just ended up talking all night. Our relationship which once was all about sex hasn't been in quite a while. When I went to leave I told him I couldn't put up with this. He was mad. Whatever. This man is a jealous man, everytime I miss a call no matter how late he automatically assumes I am with someone else.

 

So when I got home shortly after 8, I went to sleep around 1:30pm I texted him I can't and won't do this anymore under these circumstances. I am no home wrecker and I have been cheated on by every man that I have ever been with which is why I move at the speed of a snail when it comes from moving into a serious relationship. It felt as if things were changing, he was inviting me to family things ect. I never got to go because I lost my temper.

 

So I will admit I completely lost it. But how can you be with a girl every night kiss her goodnight, talk to her ect ect, not always having sex. Hold me ect. It was very intimate. Maybe I am naive because I have been cheated on so much I have chosen to be single for almost 6 years.

 

So last night which was the first night in a very long time we have not been together. I went out with my friend. He was sending me texts that I was nasty and out with some other dude. I of course wasn't. When I became so visibly upset I started crying in public which led to mascara all over my face so my friend took me home and I went to sleep.

 

Around midnight, he calls apologizes says he wants to fix it. I always answer the phone when I am asleep. Soooo when I woke up this morning I saw i had test messages mind you this was this morning. So i looked at them and it said something like how can i be out ****ing some other guy, I WAS sleeping.

 

SO I immediately get upset and start incessantly text messaging him. He hasnt responded to any text except about one totally unrelated to the situation.

 

I am sad and lonely and don't understand how he can have a girlfriend who lives on the exact opposite side of the country they never see one another ect. I asked him so is she moving here eventually he said no. I asked him is he moving there he said no, he needs to be around his family for his daughter. He's an amazing father. I guess that's the only really nice thing about him.

 

SO i HAVE BEEN UNKNOWINGLY THE OTHER WOMAN FOR 3 months. I feel as if there is something wrong with me cause stuff like this always happens and I am so discouraged. All I want is to find a happy healthy loving relationship and now I am back at square one. I will be 30 in December and I hate that no one treats me right.

 

SO OVER IT.

[goodyblue]

Well I don't know about your other relationships but this guy sounds like a loon. Barricaded you in? Accuses you of cheating when he is the cheater? Jesus. Get away from this freak.

[Grapesofwrath]

So before he was a full time Dad you saw him once a week and now that he has full custody of his child you are there every night? How old is his child?

 

It sounds to me like there are some boundary issues here and some other red flags (potential for physical violence). If his gf lives on the other side of the country, and neither has plans to move, and he hasn't seen her in months, I'm not sure what future they have together. That is a separate issue, though.

 

His jealousy and the barricading of the door are worrisome. Did he see combT? Any risk here for PTSD?

[Popsicle]

Easy...just tell him that you'll be with him once he proves that he is no longer in a R with someone else, then ignore him/stop seeing him until that happens, and yes, start seeing other men, if One shows up that you like. You are broken up. He sounds like he loves drama.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you can do better.

[anika99]

OP, do you not have any concerns about this man even without the cheating? Barricades you in a room, sends you abusive insulting texts making unfounded accusations while you are sleeping or with a friend? Considering how cautious you say you are about getting involved I'm surprised you were seeing this guy even before you found out about the other gf. I've been with the insecure jealous guy and I can assure you that behaviour just becomes worse and more abusive. Most importantly that behaviour has nothing to do with love. I think some women get flattered by that kind of attention thinking the man acts that way because he just cares so much about her but that is not the case. I think you need to get rid of this guy ASAP

[gettingstronger]

I agree- I can not get past his barricading you in to be able to offer much more advice than-you have to get out of this situation and quick-

[Methodical]

This posts screams ABUSE! Run, don't walk, run as fast and as far away from this man as you can. A person who barricades you in a room so you can't leave...his temper is apt to escalate and when it does, you'll be on the receiving end of physical abuse. He's already manipulating and abusing you emotionally. For your sake, I hope you really are done with him.

[stillafool]

I can only imagine what he is accusing his gf of while he's away. This guy is insane. Did he tell you he will drop her and be with you? What does he plan to do and more importantly what are you going to do?

[aliveagain]

It's what you do when you know the truth that tells people who you really are, not what hidden from you. May I recommend a restraining order, run don't walk from this nut.

[whichwayisup]

How the heck this man got full custody of his children is beyond me! WTF! He is a nut case and full of shi.t and causes drama. He's a liar, a cheater and is an ass.hole! Accusing you of cheating on him? All the meanwhile he neglected to let you know he was already in a R with someone else and you unknowingly became the OW.

 

Tell him to F-OFF and to leave you alone. And that if he ever tries to contact you again, you'll call his gf and out him to her, as well as speak to a lawyer and tell them to look into what kind of parent he really is with his kids. He shows that much anger, who knows what he is capable of.

[skorn]

So when I mean barricade the door, he stood in front of it and told me not to leave, I gently pushed him and he moved. He didn't touch me or anything and no I am not making excuses for him. I did in fact get outside and smoke a cigarette on the patio. I didn't leave that night, I am still unsure why. It's actually super weird all of this I went to dinner with an old friend the other day...He asked me what the heck is wrong with me where is the girl I know. You would never take this crap from anyone so why now? He was completely right.

 

Concerning his parenting ever since I met him he has been a full time dad and I can vouch for him probably the only good thing about him is he is an amazing dad. Makes dinner every night, helps his kid with her homework everyday, takes her places, spends as much time with her as he can, never just drops her off at his family or gets a babysitter unless its a work obligation. She is 12. He got her cause his ex wife got into trouble. She's almost finished her diversion program and hes worried that she'll go back to her. That would just be awful for that little girl. She has no business being with her mom and she never did. He tried to get custody when she was little but he was in the military and single and the state of California ruled against him. This time the girl was removed from the home and he just stepped up.

 

The once a week thing went to an every night thing over time. I guess about after a month I was there almost every night.

 

As far as him seeing combat he was in for 17 years so I know hes been deployed but his job doesn't put him in the field he did cyber-security stuff and he was in the Navy so I don't think he ever really had to leave the boat. He misses the military a lot so I doubt that has anything to do with anything.

 

I know I can do better, I honestly don't even know how I got tangled up in this situation we were having tons of fun together and then all the sudden it was like DRAMA. For a woman like me who hasn't let a man sleep next to her in 6 years, to be sucked into this crap its sorta pathetic. Like part of me is laughing at myself cause I CARE and I KNOW I shouldn't.

 

I don't know why hes in a R with this girl. She doesn't even visit and vice versa. When I asked him he didn't really have an answer besides he doesn't deal well with confrontation.

 

I am not flattered at all by any of this behavior and well I find it very hurtful. I want to be done with it. It's just sad I guess for me the first time I allow myself to get close to someone they turn out to be such a terrible person.

 

This morning he apologized and asked me if I wanted to work it out and just be together in like a real relationship. I told him eventually yes that's of course what I want. I mean I have only been with him and vice versa since we met, but to me a true relationship isn't about sexual exclusivity. Its about letting down your walls and that person in. And that is very different from what we are, I obviously am concerned about all the red flags, and I probably think I just like being with him cause I was tired of being alone and wanted the companionship. Which on most days is GREAT! But lately I think his jealousy is probably stemming from his own guilt from him cheating on the girl. He wasn't like this when we met. I know he's been through a lot with women as I have with men, but I try not to let that affect my current situations, the only thing it does is make me proceed with extreme caution.

 

My ex boyfriend whom I spent many many many years with is an attorney and he'd still do anything I need so as far as me needing legal help with this situation I will have that covered if it comes to that.

 

I just hope and pray I am strong enough to stay away and that I am not sad for very long cause its not worth it.

[anika99]

First of all you should not be spending every night with a man you have only been dating for 3 months. If he is such a great dad he should not be spending every night with a woman he has only been dating for 3 months. People should not impose their romantic interests on their children until parent and romantic interest are ready to make a serious commitment to each other. His daughter was just taken away from her mother and he should be more focussed on her well being than watching your every move like a hawk.

 

 

He was never like this before because he was on his best behaviour while he was trying to reel you in. Normally one would still be on their best behavior at 3 months in but I guess he just can't keep up the façade. It's all down hill from here. Bet if you spoke with any of his exes (in private and away from him) you would find out just how bad this gets. He'll get better for a little while and then he will be abusive, then he will apologize and get better for a little while and then he will be abusive, apologize, get better, be abusive, etc...And with each cycle you will become more and more conditioned to accept this behavior. The longer you stay in the harder it's going to be to get out. He is going to do a mindf*ck on you and it will happen so slowly and so subtly that you won't see it happening. One day you will wake up and wonder how you became a empty shell of a person.

[GypsumSatellite]

The guy knows you aren't going to leave him because you are too weak to do anything to back up your assertions. Six years without a man in your bed and you're all over him for three months. Not much of a snail's pace there.

 

The moment you told him you take it slow in relationships because every man cheats on you was like laying a feast before an abuser's eyes. Know why? He's had you sleeping with him for 3 months. You've been with him 3 months and you're telling him you move slow? You see his 12 year old daughter on a nightly basis after the first month (?!) and you really want to come here and say you move slow and he's a good dad and we're just not understanding the words you're typing?

 

Look, you sense red flags and for good reason. He's likely lying to some great degree about his ex-W, if she's truly an ex, and probably keeps in touch with the OOW because he doesn't know when you may wise up and get on up out of there.

 

Maybe you should do some docket searches on whether or not his stories have veracity to them. Maybe get your lawyer ex to have a look around and make sure your soldier doesn't have a record. Maybe look inside yourself and wonder why you get angry and dis-invited from all these supposed family functions... after 3 months.

 

It's only going to get worse. The red flags are only going to continue to screw you up inside and one day you'll be here asking why he keeps calling/texting/emailing/driving-by and won't leave you alone. He's a shark who'll keep nipping at the bottom of the boat until he gets what he wants. Trust this. Run and don't look back.

 

I know this all seems alarmist... but this is how it starts. The little gut feelings that you self-doubt because he's treating you better sometimes than other men have treated you... but that honeymoon phase is over with. You're going to start seeing his real deal control issues very soon and you will be terrified because you just want to do anything you can to make the honeymoon phase happen again.

 

There's nothing you can do to make the drama stop beyond removing yourself from his life and preventing him from contacting you ever again. You're three months in, lady. It should NOT be like this. That's when you know it's time to go.

[skorn]

I don't interact with his daughter. I met her once. I don't believe in coming around children especially if I don't know that I am staying around. And even if I did decide that he had been the one to stay around for, I would have to be in his life a lot longer than some months for me to be hanging out with him and his daughter. That's just inappropriate. Plus he needs to focus on their relationship. He didn't dis-invite me to his family event which was just going to be with his parents (Not child), I said I wasn't going to go play pretend and act like everything is okay.

 

I am not weak. I have had men in my own bed, but I couldn't sleep. I am talking about actually being able to sleep next to a man not with a man. 2 completely different things. Not toss and turn and get up and do whatever it is while they are sleeping to make me tired enough to come back to bed. When I refer to me being slow, I mean like an emotional connection. Obviously there is nothing slow about me sleeping with him all the time, lol. Get Real!

 

I appreciate all of your advice. I know the cycle of domestic violence. There's actually 3 or 5 phases depending on what material you are looking at believe it or not at one point in my life I taught DV in jails and other institutions. And that there are many types of DV, and while he may not be physically or financially abusive, its emotional and psychological abuse.

 

I have already checked him out legally a long time ago. I know the facts, his military record, his divorce, and everything pertinent. The only thing I didn't know was that this girl was actually his girlfriend. No I am not standing up for him cause YES he is a douche for all of that. But I am not here to defame anyone.

 

And you are right I shouldn't probably be with him every night, it just got a little out of hand. He lives like around the corner, 5 mins by car, I guess that how the frequency got so high so fast.

 

But trust and believe, I will go to the end of the universe to protect any child. Especially this child because she has been through so much.The last thing I ever wanted was to become this person in her life and then all the sudden disappear. Especially with all the lack of stability she has had in the last year.

 

It doesn't matter tho, we are not going to continue to see one another anymore. It's just too much for me to handle on any scale. I can't deal with someone not trusting me or getting mad because I want to leave or someone trying to make me feel guilty for his own insecurities.

 

Thanks again for each and everyone's input! I feel much better about this whole situation.