So this is my messed-up story

[Tauriel]

MM blew back into my life when I was suicidal. I was going through a lot of personal problems -- none of them self-inflicted. One of the more painful elements to this backstory is that the ex-BF I had been with -- and who I always thought I would end up with -- had dumped me abruptly, with no warning. Just straight out of the blue. Three years of togetherness ended in less than three minutes.

 

At first it seemed like a miracle -- like this a-hole ex had dumped me for a reason, and that reason was MM. We had dated 20 years ago, when we were both single and had a stormy on-off relationship. But he was always the one i gave a second, third, fourth, etc. chance. When I found out that he had married someone else, I had a good cry and got on with my life, never expecting to see him again. And then I did.

 

The first year was like magic. We traveled together, bought each other gifts, had long, intimate conversations. He literally kept me from ending my life and gave me hope that I would find love again ... this time, with him.

 

The rest you can probably guess. He got busted, and nothing changed. He had to really take things underground, and we rarely see each other or talk anymore. He mostly texts. Can't leave because of the kids, he says, otherwise, we'd be together. If his marriage fails, it cannot be because of me. Read: she has to be the one to leave him, because he's not going anywhere. He told me that he made a promise, and even though his marriage is technically over, he has to keep it. That's just so sad to me. Sad for his entire family.

 

I know that I need to end it. During the past 1.5 years, I've made a lot of progress and gotten over the a-hole that made me feel like crap. I've also dated a little here and there, and I've found that there are some pretty good guys out there. I no longer see a future with MM, like I did in the beginning. Even if he were to leave, I still wouldn't want to be with him. He's made too many promises to me and then broken them. Just simple things like saying he'll call and then dropping the ball.

 

And yet I cannot bring myself to let go. He still gives me a sense of security. I don't know what to do about this. I want to end it for good, but something keeps me from doing so.

 

I'm open to your thoughts and advice ..

[Satu]

You have to be able to provide yourself with a feeling of security. Trying to fill that from the outside makes you dependent on the outside source, and that is by its very nature insecure. If that outside source is removed, you have nothing to fall back on.

 

*****************************************************

 

One is inside

 

then outside what one has been inside

 

One feels empty

 

because there is nothing inside oneself

 

One tries to get inside oneself

 

that inside of the outside

 

that one was once inside

 

once one tries to get oneself inside what

 

one is outside:

 

to eat and to be eaten

 

to have the outside inside and to be

 

inside the outside

 

 

 

But this is not enough. One is trying to get

 

the inside of what one is outside inside, and to

 

get inside the outside. But one does not get

 

inside the outside by getting the outside inside

 

for;

 

although one is full inside of the inside of the outside

 

one is on the outside of one’s own inside

 

and by getting inside the outside

 

one remains empty because

 

while one is on the inside

 

even the inside of the outside is outside

 

and inside oneself there is still nothing

 

There has never been anything else

 

and there never will be

 

 

- RD Laing, Knots.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm so sorry. I can relate.

 

And yet I cannot bring myself to let go. He still gives me a sense of security. I don't know what to do about this. I want to end it for good, but something keeps me from doing so.

 

You know this is false security, don't you?

 

He's not making you safe. He is taking care of his wife and family and making THEM safe.

 

The "something" that keeps you from doing it is that false sense of security that you get from him and your fear of not having that, of not being enough, if you lose him.

 

It totally sucks. But the only way to get yourself back is to not hang onto something that doesn't exist (specifically, this man and his being any sort of safe place for you). You have to let him go, as hard as it is at first, and work on getting "you" back. Not you, as part of this guy's life. But YOU.

[Satu]

I'm so sorry. I can relate.

 

 

 

You know this is false security, don't you?

 

He's not making you safe. He is taking care of his wife and family and making THEM safe.

 

The "something" that keeps you from doing it is that false sense of security that you get from him and your fear of not having that, of not being enough, if you lose him.

 

It totally sucks. But the only way to get yourself back is to not hang onto something that doesn't exist (specifically, this man and his being any sort of safe place for you). You have to let him go, as hard as it is at first, and work on getting "you" back. Not you, as part of this guy's life. But YOU.

 

This is very very true and significant.

[chrissy78]

Hi first I'm sorry you're going through this. It is one of the hardest things I've dealt with in life and I've dealt with plenty. With that said I'll say this it will never be easy leaving MM behind... Because rarely are relationships all good or all bad so you will hang on to the good things about your relationship and you won't want to break this bond. However by not doing so you are in a sense wasting your life and also saying it's ok to receive his crumbs. Like many of us know MM will devote the moon and stars for you in the beginning until they are caught and then they can't even be depended upon a timely phone call. You are always in the waiting zone and that's a bad feeling. The other thing you can do to motivate yourself is be realistic ... his wife will find out again at some day some point. What will he do then? Cut all contact? Isn't it better that you do it on your own time frame at least with some dignity. All I know is I tried to end it so many times and he always talked me back into it until his wife called me and then poof gone not a single word. And as far as affair stories go my guy was amazing he never treated me bad but the way it ended it left such a horrible disdain for him. This is a painful journey but better you end it then be left with even additional pain.

[Tauriel]

I'm so sorry. I can relate. You know this is false security, don't you?

 

He's not making you safe. He is taking care of his wife and family and making THEM safe.

 

The "something" that keeps you from doing it is that false sense of security that you get from him and your fear of not having that, of not being enough, if you lose him.

 

I know that you are right. And MM and I have had this exact same discussion. I give him a false sense of security too, when you think about it. I cannot always be around for him, and I've told him this. He struggles with it a lot. He thinks that we'll always at least be "friends", but I can't see any new man in my life being cool with that. I can't move forward until I cut the cord ...

[Satu]

I know that you are right. And MM and I have had this exact same discussion. I give him a false sense of security too, when you think about it. I cannot always be around for him, and I've told him this. He struggles with it a lot. He thinks that we'll always at least be "friends", but I can't see any new man in my life being cool with that. I can't move forward until I cut the cord ...

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

[Tauriel]

Like many of us know MM will devote the moon and stars for you in the beginning until they are caught and then they can't even be depended upon a timely phone call. You are always in the waiting zone and that's a bad feeling. The other thing you can do to motivate yourself is be realistic ... his wife will find out again at some day some point. What will he do then? Cut all contact? Isn't it better that you do it on your own time frame at least with some dignity. All I know is I tried to end it so many times and he always talked me back into it until his wife called me and then poof gone not a single word. And as far as affair stories go my guy was amazing he never treated me bad but the way it ended it left such a horrible disdain for him. This is a painful journey but better you end it then be left with even additional pain.

 

I can see that happening, yes. I know this man far too well, and if she threatened to leave or kicked up any kind of fuss that affected the kids, he would leave me in a heartbeat. Because the kids come first (why his marriage headed south, BTW).

 

And I am so sorry that you had to go through it! I do want to preserve the good memories while I still have them. I don't want to have hatred in my heart toward him, because he really was there -- as a friend -- when I really needed someone to be there. People need each other, and he really did help me sort things out (the prev. ex), and if I got one thing out of it, it was a sense of closure.

[Tauriel]

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

Do I have to talk to him at all? I've thought about this, and I just don't want to have this conversation. I'm afraid I'll get sucked right back in, and right now, I'm at a point of comfortable ambivalence.

[Satu]

Do I have to talk to him at all? I've thought about this, and I just don't want to have this conversation. I'm afraid I'll get sucked right back in, and right now, I'm at a point of comfortable ambivalence.

 

No, you don't have to.

[Lovemesomehim]

I think your defenses and perspectives are low because your spirit is low.

 

Suicidal?

 

Have you dealt with that issue?

[Tauriel]

I think your defenses and perspectives are low because your spirit is low.

 

Suicidal?

 

Have you dealt with that issue?

 

Yes, I did. I went to counseling for PTSD and went on medications for depression, anxiety and OCD behaviors. Long story short, I had found out that an old friend planned to kill his wife and her children (his stepkids), and I got dragged into testifying against him in court. It took a toll. My then-BF dumped during all of this.

 

I had been feeling more scared and vulnerable than I ever have in my life, and MM literally rushed in and saved the day, got me through it. After the would-be killer went to prison, I started feeling a lot better -- certainly less afraid. But I don't know what I would have done without MM. My ex-BF made me feel like all of it was somehow my fault, like I was a "drag" because of these problems.

 

I'm fine today, just really sad because this has to end now.