The true, the correct, and/or the right words?

[Eagle's-bargain]

I read a lot of LoveShack.

I probably should get a hobby or learn the violin at this rate.

Also, I am skeptical most of the time,

and with affairs involving the OM/OW, I give the benefit of empathy,

but not doubt.

 

I read a lot of opinions and statements of "toxic" relationships,

venal people whose emotional blackmail (whether given or received) keeps them from healing,

and other language sometimes vampiric/predatory in nature.

 

I don't doubt there are predators out there.*

But I am confused as to whether or not, we or I am, truly are using the "right",

"correct", "true" language, that ought to or should be, or could be, used to convey "truth".

 

Does truth really matter?

 

Since in my opinion truth is somewhat malleable.

I don't know if calling the Ex-married woman,

that I had an affair with, an "emotional vampire" makes sense.

Sure, it could be interpreted that way.

The data doesn't discount that option.

But what about myself? I was there too.

 

How do I really know what the truth is, or does it matter?

 

Is the process of healing for the OM/OW contingent on demonizing the MW/MM? Seems questionable morally to me.

 

My intent in asking these questions stems from my desire to stop demonizing my own feelings towards the xMW I had an affair with.

Yes I still have questions about it.

They will probably not be answered in my life time.

I am fine with that.

But what I'm not fine with is the demonization of her to move on.

I have moved on, since my questions at this point have prevented me from thinking of her as someone I want to embrace again.

 

I'm just wondering how others feel when they say,

"my caustic relationship" or "emotional vampire" affair partner (etc).

 

How do you feel when you see these words?

Do you think they convey the truth?

Or at this point truth matters none?

 

I'm sorry I'm all over the place.

 

*I don't mean the Schwarzenegger kind

[GoldieLox]

I absolutely understand what you're saying. I think it comes down to choices. In my case, I can demonize the xMM all I want. After all, he did emotionally drain me. He was an emotional vampire. He did a lot of things that hurt me. Absolutely, he is to blame and always will be for choosing to do these things.

 

On the other hand, I chose to stay for as long as I did and put up with it. In essence, I kind of kept letting it happen. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me? After it was all over, I chose to remove myself from this cycle once and for all by not speaking to him, not putting myself around him. I chose to stop letting him be an emotional vampire on me.

 

P.S. I played the violin. It's not that exciting

[Eagle's-bargain]

P.S. I played the violin. It's not that exciting

 

Must not be a Bach fan.

[anika99]

People use strong words to convey their strong feelings and opinions but you have to figure out your own situation. I don't think most people in affairs are maliciously out to harm or ruin other people, they are just selfishly serving their own needs without giving much thought to how their actions are going to affect others.

 

 

I also think it's rather normal in a breakup for the injured party to spend some time demonizing the other person. Once they progress in their healing then they can admit to their own mistakes and bad decisions. You don't have to call your MW an emotional vampire if you don't think that label fits but being angry at her is a perfectly normal part of healing.

[Eagle's-bargain]

You don't have to call your MW an emotional vampire if you don't think that label fits but being angry at her is a perfectly normal part of healing.

 

Is anger a necessary component?

I don't deny there are real predators out there

Yet there are parties who, regardless of their marital status feel a sense of "kindred spirits", how do we know the truth before, during, and after the affair?

 

Again, "What is truth?"

[velvette]

Is anger a necessary component?

I don't deny there are real predators out there

Yet there are parties who, regardless of their marital status feel a sense of "kindred spirits", how do we know the truth before, during, and after the affair?

 

Again, "What is truth?"

 

I think its human nature to be angry and demonize the other person when a relationship ends or we don't/cant get what we want from the other person....especially if that person told us they loved/cared for/ or wanted what was best for us. When people let us down it hurts. Anger is a covering emotion for hurt.

 

 

That being said, there is no purpose served in continuing to demonize someone imo. I came to realize a long time ago that most people are doing the best they can at any given moment. If they were capable of doing better they would.

 

 

The more important thing is to determine why you were with someone who (fill in the blank with whatever negative characterization fits). Why did you allow yourself to be treated that way and how do you keep people who are stuck in a similar place from hurting you or mucking up your life.

 

 

Affairs are not that different than most R imo, but many of them are filled with so much drama that it can be difficult to understand what is truly going on in the relationship. The drama amps up emotions so much that rational thought is hard to come by. Same as any very dysfunctional R.

 

 

Not to mention its hard to find your own truth when you are so focused on deceiving others in order to conduct an affair.

[Poppy47]

There is certainly a lot of demonization of MM/MW.

 

Lots of language referring to OW/OM as the side dish or second choice.

 

This seems to be standard thinking here. It is really not the truth.

 

The OW/OM are hardly tied up and dragged kicking and screaming into every A that we read about. They are big grown up adults who make choices. When the result of the choices do not turn out the way they would like, they get angry.

 

Eagle, I agree it is the same in any relationship.

 

Truth??? Only fifty thousand shades of grey. The number increases as I head towards 70.

 

Please learn the violin. It will be more productive and enjoyable in the long term.

 

Best wishes,

Poppy.

[GoldieLox]

Must not be a Bach fan.

 

I am actually a Bach fan, though Pachelbell's Canon is my favorite piece. I played a variety of instruments when I was younger, the flute being my favorite. Taking up any instrument is productive and soothing.

 

To stay on topic, I was just re-reading this again and I think it comes down to knowing your own place in the grand scheme of things. It's okay to be angry with the AP, but first you must realize your own part in the situation and take responsibility. One cannot throw all of the blame on the other party.