Broken2015 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone. I'm new here, came across the forum when I was googling 'lover has more than one possibly'. Smh. We are both married, me for 18 yrs and him for over 20. I am in a marriage where I actually have permission to have a 'friend' because of some issues that the husband has but the OM does not have that option. We met at my job, he was doing some repair work to the building and we struck up a conversation. Kept in touch and it turned into a year and a half long sexual affair. There were a couple of lulls in the middle with the longest being a couple of months with no sexual contact when the wife found out he was involved but just didn't know with who and once when I found out he was advertising himself on a married persons website. He was stupid enough to tell me he used to be on there and mentioned to me the user name he went by. A few weeks later I was curious, looked to see what the website was about and lo and behold...there he was. He claimed it was an addiction and that it was just browsing but he was not involved with anyone except for me and deleted the account. Everything had been fine until recently he looked on his phone bill and noticed my number was showing up alot obliviously and he asked me to use an instant messenger which I agreed to. A couple of minutes later he friended me on this messenger thing and I noticed he had a picture already uploaded (which was an old pic) and a user name that just didn't seem like he made it out of the blue. I immediately got a gut feeling and just googled the username and up popped him being listed on Adult Friend Finder and after a little more digging I found him active on the previous website I caught him on as well. He had recent logins so I know he is active on the sites. My stomach feels like it has been kicked. We always said that we were it, there was nobody else on the 'side' and I believed it. He was so attentive and I just cannot believe that someone has the time for more than one OW. I now feel like a fool and like I have been tricked. I haven't told him what I know and quite honestly, just think I'm going to fall off the face of the earth to him and not respond to his messages. There was never any talk of leaving spouses, no love you's exchanged. That was not what either of us were looking for. How do you just forget someone that you have spoken with everyday for so long. Its almost like an addiction on my part and it makes me feel even worse that I feel that way after what I know he is doing. Edited February 24, 2015 by Broken2015 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 If you have the hall pass, go find someone else. Who needs this schmuck? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 (edited) I think there are a lot of married guys that do this kind of stuff with websites. It really does not take much time & effort to have multiple relationships if they are mostly conducted by phone/chat and just occasional meetings. Many married guys compartmentalize very well. It seems genuine because it IS genuine- they really do feel a connection with you, but that doesn't mean they don't feel connections or seek out connections with other women. He has compartmentalized his life to where there is a wife box, a you box, a box for AFF girl, a box for ______. In his mind, he can appreciate & enjoy each woman's company and his feelings for one doesn't affect his feelings for the other ones. Whereas for many women, we seem to take our emotional connections more seriously and our lives are more integrated. I know that your husband has agreed to this, so maybe next time choose a single guy? There are probably single guys that would be happy to meet the needs your husband cannot, and then you wouldn't have to be in a relationship with a known cheater and a liar. It's not realistic to expect a guy that's willing to cheat on his wife to be faithful to his OW, no matter how attentive and genuine he seems. These compartmentalizing men are so "in the moment" that most really do mean what they say to you- in that particular moment. But the next day they can have just as real a moment with someone else, who will also read his emotions as being genuine... because in that particular moment, they are. I wouldn't waste time feeling like a fool... just take it as learning experience. Also, even though your husband is OK with this, if outside relationships feel like an addiction or seriously affect your emotions, you may want to rethink this or discuss with your husband. He may not realize that sex with other men may make you feel bonded to them. He may be viewing it from a typical male viewpoint, looking at it logically and thinking that a guy can meet the needs that he can't, as a supplement your marriage. He may not realize that sex can create emotional connections and make you feel like the other man is your primary partner (when he is only supposed to be a supplement). Edited February 24, 2015 by Quiet Storm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 Quiet Storm, you give us too much credit. A lot of guys do it, I agree, but only have a wife and one AP. Too much work and far too lazy. When I was in it, I couldn't even fathom a 3rd. Just glad I'm out. Go for the single guys. if you're on Ashley Madison you know that the guy isn't binogamous Yes I think I just made that word up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 24, 2015 Share Posted February 24, 2015 You've caught him lying once and now a 2nd time. This guy probably has multiple email addresses and profiles that you know nothing about. Although you both don't plan on a future together, if this doesn't sit well with you just stop having contact with him. I get the addiction part of it but if this is something you are not okay with than block and move on. I know easier said than done but he's only going to get better at hiding his moves so be prepared to find out more things in the future. He's not worth losing sleep over, believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken2015 Posted February 25, 2015 Author Share Posted February 25, 2015 Thank you for all your kind words. I do have a hall pass. I do not talk to husband about this out of respect for him I guess. Why throw it in his face I think to myself. When I say addiction, I don't really mean a true addiction. I mean that the thought of speaking to someone that you have spoken to every single day for that long and look forward to the contact.... for it all to just go away just sucks and I will miss what I thought we had. I was comfortable with him and thought I knew him but I guess I was definitely wrong with that. I know I shouldn't expect someone to be faithful to the AP when they are not even being faithful to their spouse. Wishful thinking on my part, I thought this kinda thing would be wayyyy more easier. It sounds awful but I worried about single men sleeping around and starting drama so when I met this person and he told me his situation I just thought it would be easier... no feelings would get involved etc. I know I need to just NC the 'schmuck', its just much easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 So you have a pass for "physical" connections and you allow it to cross over into an emotional connection to the point of being jealous that he maybe talking to other women? I'm confused, are you sure your intent isn't to leave your husband? If you were hold true to your husband, then what you have with the OM is perfect, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 So you have a pass for "physical" connections and you allow it to cross over into an emotional connection to the point of being jealous that he maybe talking to other women? I'm confused, are you sure your intent isn't to leave your husband? If you were hold true to your husband, then what you have with the OM is perfect, right? ^^ This. So you have a "pass", why throw this in his face, and yet this other dude is on dating sites etc and you feel betrayed and "made a fool" ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 So you have a pass for "physical" connections and you allow it to cross over into an emotional connection to the point of being jealous that he maybe talking to other women? I'm confused, are you sure your intent isn't to leave your husband? If you were hold true to your husband, then what you have with the OM is perfect, right? Totally get this. But, I don't know how a person cannot have some kind of emotional connection when sleeping with someone so long. Am I wrong? I don't feel any kind of love feelings at all. I have NO intent on leaving my husband. In the beginning, the AP and I told each other there was no one else and there wouldn't be while we were actively sleeping with one another. I'm confused, if you are not actively looking then why be on those sites? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 Totally get this. But, I don't know how a person cannot have some kind of emotional connection when sleeping with someone so long. Am I wrong? I don't feel any kind of love feelings at all. I have NO intent on leaving my husband. In the beginning, the AP and I told each other there was no one else and there wouldn't be while we were actively sleeping with one another. I'm confused, if you are not actively looking then why be on those sites? But, again if your intent is to stay married with clearly a man that loves you, isn't a man that will never commit to one woman perfect for your situation? Maybe the problem is you shouldn't be with one guy that long. If you allow jealousy to creep in it will become a danger to your marriage. Why would you want an exclusive relationship with him? I'm really confused at what you want. Your words say you don't intend to leave yet your actions say you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Broken2015 Posted February 26, 2015 Author Share Posted February 26, 2015 But, again if your intent is to stay married with clearly a man that loves you, isn't a man that will never commit to one woman perfect for your situation? Maybe the problem is you shouldn't be with one guy that long. If you allow jealousy to creep in it will become a danger to your marriage. Why would you want an exclusive relationship with him? I'm really confused at what you want. Your words say you don't intend to leave yet your actions say you are. I guess in an ideal situation that would be the perfect scenario, you're right. I thought I was being 'better' by sleeping with one person who was not sleeping around if that's makes any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I guess in an ideal situation that would be the perfect scenario, you're right. I thought I was being 'better' by sleeping with one person who was not sleeping around if that's makes any sense. Yes, of course it makes sense. However if your goal is to stay married then that type of relationship has no upside. It will only put your marriage at risk. Maybe your just not cut out for this open relationship. Or maybe its better to seek out a sexual release and limit that relationship to simple "boot calls". To me it appears your seeking a secondary relationship, which will confuse you and likely end your marriage. With or without it being your intention. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) Yes, of course it makes sense. However if your goal is to stay married then that type of relationship has no upside. It will only put your marriage at risk. Maybe your just not cut out for this open relationship. Or maybe its better to seek out a sexual release and limit that relationship to simple "boot calls". To me it appears your seeking a secondary relationship, which will confuse you and likely end your marriage. With or without it being your intention. I agree with this, and maybe it's why these hall pass things (haven't heard that analogy before, but it works) just don't work unless it's really just about sex and nothing else. Clearly the OP has emotionally invested. Women tend to connect emotionally. Edited February 26, 2015 by Hope Shimmers Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 I agree with this, and maybe it's why these hall pass things (haven't heard that analogy before, but it works) just don't work unless it's really just about sex and nothing else. Clearly the OP has emotionally invested. Women tend to connect emotionally. Oxytocin.... released only during sex and breast feeding. Making women far more unlikely to keep sex casual. The male body is protected by the large dose of testosterone that is also released at the same time. What I'm getting at, which you Hope already know. Women simply can't (in general) have prolonged sexual encounters with one man and not "fall" for him. OP the answer to your problem is simple, if you intend to stay married you have two options 1) random, short lived flings or 2) lots of masterbation, maybe H can help. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 26, 2015 Share Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) Oxytocin.... released only during sex and breast feeding. Making women far more unlikely to keep sex casual. The male body is protected by the large dose of testosterone that is also released at the same time. What I'm getting at, which you Hope already know. Women simply can't (in general) have prolonged sexual encounters with one man and not "fall" for him. OP the answer to your problem is simple, if you intend to stay married you have two options 1) random, short lived flings or 2) lots of masterbation, maybe H can help. I agree with the hormonal stuff. But I didn't have sex with ex-MM for years after we became involved, and I was still emotionally a nutcase for him (he was, too). Sex was just gravy. So lots of things contribute I think - for me, anyway. Good enough reasons to avoid it! Edited February 26, 2015 by Hope Shimmers Link to post Share on other sites
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