What a mess !

[Mindfulmoomin]

Hello there everyone,

 

I've been reading this forum for a few days now trying to find the courage to post. Your words and advice to others have echoed my thoughts and are invaluable. What a kind group you are.

 

I've found myself in a relationship with a MM, I met him online, eventually in real life and we both are very emotionally attached. He is married but due to work lives away and only goes home every other weekend. Very religious family with grown up daughter but he feels obligated to stay in what he calls an emotionally cold marriage.

 

When I started seeing him he didn't tell me he was married, over the course of the relationship I have found that he is excellent at telling me he is always telling me the truth but is very good at omitting much of it. He has obviously been caught out before as whenever he is not with me (apart from at home with wife) he sends me selfies (!) of whom he is with, what he is doing. The ironic thing is if I'm out or have had an early night (he's a Doctor so works shifts) he messages me all through the night saying how vulnerable he feels because I'm not returning his messages etc.

 

Anyway...it all came to a head 2 weeks ago when I was contacted on Twitter by a girl who really had a go at me, she was very rude calling me a homewrecker etc, thought it was his Wife...turns out she had had a 3 year affair with him ! Stated she still was and was accusing me of stealing her Man..! What a mess ! He told me that it had ended a few weeks before me & she wouldn't take no for an answer, he is in love with me and is apparently going to seek divorce from his Wife too. Says he never thought someone like me would want somebody like him. Ex lover states he is still in contact with her and has made various threats to out me & him to his Wife. She even contacted my teenage Son via Social Media and called me a 'Wh*re' !

 

2 weeks ago I had enough, he went back home to his Wife for Valentines Weekend (even if he said there was no romance), his messages to me are always different, much less affectionate when there and I was sat at home after declining other offers from single men for dinner and thought...he's just text me Goodnight and has admitted he is still sleeping in the same bed as his wife..What am I doing ?! So I sent him a message saying I needed time out from this mess, no contact, he needs to sort out his life, make some clear boundaries and I need some much needed headspace. He replied saying he was upset, I'm the one etc etc. I ignored.

 

A few messages since then saying he doesn't want to upset me but is thinking of me and only me and would I like to meet for a drink. I ignored again.

 

No contact is so hard, I miss the connection so very much, not to mention the obvious attraction but the breakup of his marriage and this awful, rude lover who is literally stalking/harassing me on social media has just tipped me over the edge.

 

I know I've done the right thing by enforcing no contact, I don't know what the future holds but I couldn't handle the guilt, mistrust and loneliness of being an OW anymore.

 

Hope you don't mind me sharing my story and I hope I can share some of your strength to get me though these tough days.

 

Love to you all

[GoldieLox]

A mess, indeed.

 

He allegedly had a 3 year affair (which is a bit lengthy by affair standards) with this woman, it ended, and only a few weeks later is with you? Hello, red flag. Block the crazy girl, block him, and walk away. Find someone who will devote everything to you. This guy sounds like nothing but a serial cheater. If his marriage was that "emotionally cold", he'd leave. I can understand staying for younger children (to a certain extent), but a grown child? Excuses.

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry, you lost me the minute you said that lied to you about being married. Someone lying to me for any reason would be a complete deal breaker. I'm curious, why didn't you dump him right then and there?

 

Not only did he completely deceive you about such a huge deal, he has done this before (had an affair). You don't know this guy at all and you're basing everything you know about him on what he tells you. First of all, the OW is probably telling the truth that he's still in contact with her. But regardless of that, do you really want a man who habitually cheats in his marriage? And why all of a sudden is he considering a divorce? Because you're so great? My guess is that he's not considering divorce at all, and he's throwing more lies your way.

 

All you really know about him is that he has lied to you. I'd never get past that. He's nothing but a first-class con man. I'd recommend that you ignore all the words he says because he knows exactly what to say to con women. I wouldn't even give him an opportunity to be with you even if he did divorce. This man is simply bad news. If I were you, I'd tell him to get lost and to never contact you again. If you don't, he will waste your years and make a complete fool out of you. I promise.

[Spark1111]

He's a serial philanderer.

 

Run, don't walk, from this mess.

 

he'll find your replacement soon enough. She too will last two to three years and when she begins tp pressure him for a commitment, he'll trawl the waters to find her stand-in.

 

Like he did with you.

 

tell the x mistress you have broken up for good and to leave you alone or you will file charges. Then blocker and him forever.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Thank God for this crazy OW! You really lucked out though I'm not sure how she found you. Lies by omission are still lies, you know that! A crazy OW, an emotionally cold wife and God knows how many other OW.

 

Do a quick google search on the pathology of serial cheaters. They are not rehabilitatable. This could have gone on forever, his lies, your buying his lame stories, wasting you life. I'm sorry this woman contacted your son but glad she contacted you. You have no idea who this man really is. The person you love is the person you want him to be and he has the ability to come on ten times stronger than any single guy because he has a built in excuse as to why he can't deliver. NC is the only option for you as this guy is a seasoned liar and manipulator.

[Mal78]

Hello there everyone,

 

I've been reading this forum for a few days now trying to find the courage to post. Your words and advice to others have echoed my thoughts and are invaluable. What a kind group you are.

 

I've found myself in a relationship with a MM, I met him online, eventually in real life and we both are very emotionally attached. He is married but due to work lives away and only goes home every other weekend. Very religious family with grown up daughter but he feels obligated to stay in what he calls an emotionally cold marriage.

 

When I started seeing him he didn't tell me he was married, over the course of the relationship I have found that he is excellent at telling me he is always telling me the truth but is very good at omitting much of it. He has obviously been caught out before as whenever he is not with me (apart from at home with wife) he sends me selfies (!) of whom he is with, what he is doing. The ironic thing is if I'm out or have had an early night (he's a Doctor so works shifts) he messages me all through the night saying how vulnerable he feels because I'm not returning his messages etc.

 

Anyway...it all came to a head 2 weeks ago when I was contacted on Twitter by a girl who really had a go at me, she was very rude calling me a homewrecker etc, thought it was his Wife...turns out she had had a 3 year affair with him ! Stated she still was and was accusing me of stealing her Man..! What a mess ! He told me that it had ended a few weeks before me & she wouldn't take no for an answer, he is in love with me and is apparently going to seek divorce from his Wife too. Says he never thought someone like me would want somebody like him. Ex lover states he is still in contact with her and has made various threats to out me & him to his Wife. She even contacted my teenage Son via Social Media and called me a 'Wh*re' !

 

2 weeks ago I had enough, he went back home to his Wife for Valentines Weekend (even if he said there was no romance), his messages to me are always different, much less affectionate when there and I was sat at home after declining other offers from single men for dinner and thought...he's just text me Goodnight and has admitted he is still sleeping in the same bed as his wife..What am I doing ?! So I sent him a message saying I needed time out from this mess, no contact, he needs to sort out his life, make some clear boundaries and I need some much needed headspace. He replied saying he was upset, I'm the one etc etc. I ignored.

 

A few messages since then saying he doesn't want to upset me but is thinking of me and only me and would I like to meet for a drink. I ignored again.

 

No contact is so hard, I miss the connection so very much, not to mention the obvious attraction but the breakup of his marriage and this awful, rude lover who is literally stalking/harassing me on social media has just tipped me over the edge.

 

I know I've done the right thing by enforcing no contact, I don't know what the future holds but I couldn't handle the guilt, mistrust and loneliness of being an OW anymore.

 

Hope you don't mind me sharing my story and I hope I can share some of your strength to get me though these tough days.

 

Love to you all

 

This guy is REALLY all over the place isn't he?!?

 

Yes, I believe you made the right move.

 

He can deal with his loose cannon and his hot mess he made for himself. You can imagine the lies he told this OW about YOU.

[Lady2163]

It never fails to amaze me how men seem to think their mere presence and their penis are enough to keep a woman content. This guy is a total cad. You get to stay home alone on Valentine's Day, while he gets to celebrate. Lovely.

 

But that's kind of a minor issue. As someone mentioned, how did his previous OW get your contact info? He gave it to her - or gave her just enough info for her to find you. You seem relatively smart, can you step back and see how he is playing all three of you? Wife , OW and you.

 

More than likely the OW was misbehaving or pressuring him or withholding something. You are the reason she will change and tow his line. She already has competition from the wife, now if he has found another other woman to love, she has to step it up.

 

It sounds like you are just collateral damage.

 

And so you know, I'm a former OW. And even though inhave a 20 year gap, I do consider myself a serial OW.

[Mindfulmoomin]

Thank you everyone for your comments..Yes, I did wonder what he has said to the Other Other Woman ! He set up an anonymous Twitter to contact me but must have given her details somehow. It really helped typing this to you, puts things into perspective doesn't it when you see it in words in front of you..still doesn't stop the hurt though and how silly I must have been to to get involved.. I didn't have a clue about the Wife or the OW. They are the ones I know about...how many others does have hidden away to feed his ego. Thing is he is sooooo charming, so pleasant and constantly reassuring me that he will not do anything within in his power to hurt me ?! It's manipulation at it's highest.

 

What a great forum this is...stay strong all.

[jellybean89]

You really believe all he is doing is 'sleeping' next to his wife? You know that is just another lie he is telling you right? Along with the lie of divorcing his wife, having an emotionally cold marriage and how you are 'the one'.

 

You know you are just one of the many. You know the worst thing for you could be to continue to be involved. BLOCK his email, block his cell number, block him from twitter and any other social media crap.

 

Get STD tested now. You have no idea how many others there are and only you can protect yourself.

 

Rid your life of him and his lies and stop believing anything that he says or writes. He doesn't want to lose a sure thing nor does he want to lose your adoration of him. Do yourself the best thing possible and stop waiting around for him and stop thinking you have a life with him.

 

Good luck.