whatssoraven Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 How many MW and MM are in what they call "stabilizer affairs"?, i.e., an affair in which a third person helps to keep the other two in place. This means that having the affair allows you to remain in your marriage and in many cases, allows you to be happy in your marriage. I just read that in a book and was wondering how common it is in real life. It means that there are no goals or agendas. Neither APs want to leave their marriages and be together. They are both just in the affair to enjoy the ride, the attention and ego boost perhaps. The book goes on to say that people in stabilizer affairs are capable of compartmentalizing to the point that for many of them, the euphoria of the affair rubs off on their marriage. They have sex with their spouses regularly and even enjoy the company of their spouses, either by fantasizing that their AP is their spouse OR for the fact that they generally feel more attractive/sexier because of the outside attention and that attitude translates into their marriage. I think for a lot of MM, even though they may not admit it, the affairs that they seek are stabilizer affairs. They get love and affection in abundance at home, they just want a little something extra on the side. Has anyone experienced this? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 How many MW and MM are in what they call "stabilizer affairs"?, i.e., an affair in which a third person helps to keep the other two in place. This means that having the affair allows you to remain in your marriage and in many cases, allows you to be happy in your marriage. I just read that in a book and was wondering how common it is in real life. It means that there are no goals or agendas. Neither APs want to leave their marriages and be together. They are both just in the affair to enjoy the ride, the attention and ego boost perhaps. The book goes on to say that people in stabilizer affairs are capable of compartmentalizing to the point that for many of them, the euphoria of the affair rubs off on their marriage. They have sex with their spouses regularly and even enjoy the company of their spouses, either by fantasizing that their AP is their spouse OR for the fact that they generally feel more attractive/sexier because of the outside attention and that attitude translates into their marriage. I think for a lot of MM, even though they may not admit it, the affairs that they seek are stabilizer affairs. They get love and affection in abundance at home, they just want a little something extra on the side. Has anyone experienced this? I think it's pretty common, esp if both of the APs are themselves married. I think A LOT of affairs are where the MP isn't "on the way out." While some affairs are exit affair where the person would have left regardless or is planning on leaving, many more are not. If one can get sex, love, attention whatever else AND it helps you stay married and get whatever you get from that, lots of folks will do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Seems valid. I believe my A was a stabilizer. In the beginning, he professed how miserable and cold his W was and they were not intimate. 3 1/2 years later, he now says they "play house" well together, but stands by there is no intimacy or sex. He won't budge on that one. Frankly, this is what has led me to finally break things off. Oh, the A has cooled down, but I always run to him when he calls on his schedule as I can't break away. But, the realization that I'm filling in an area that they fail in is too much for me to handle. In fact, I'm waiting for his call now. I asked hi to call me on his way home from work so I can tell him it's time for me to go. Praying for strength. Sorry I'd this ended up being a t/j, but this exact topic has been weighing on my mind the past few days, and today, the courage has hit. Thanks for posting this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I was still with my H when my A started, I suppose this is what it was because my A made my personal life bearable and I managed to stay for about a year with my H. I finally found the courage to leave my H but not because of MM. So in the end, my A became an exit A for me. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Very common especially for men. Just browse the m4w section for us cities on craigslist and you'll read pretty much what you described down to making life at home better. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Stabilizer affairs = a little something extra on the side. I'd say that's accurate! Until something goes wrong! Then it becomes a destabilizer affair! After that everything goes to hell in a handbasket! Affairs hurt people, if you want to stabilize, start working on you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 whatsoraven, Some may call them "stabiliser affairs", I would call them "cake-eating". 6 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) I am just curious as to why any BS would respond to a question that was for MM/MW. Edited December 11, 2014 by HtotheN Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Sounds about right to me. It allows me to remain in my dysfunctional marriage. If the news to getting what I needed from AP no would probably separate. My kids ar happier with us together. If I get found out the marriage will end. My kids will live in two houses but at leat I can live openly and freely. 6 of one, half a dozen of the other Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I would say my affair falls under that description. I don't think you can say it is more men than women though. But I will agree that is probably more common when both AP's are married. Link to post Share on other sites
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