I Can't Even Be Mad

[OldMaidJuliet]

Part of me feels like I should be angry with my previous partner, but I can't even be mad. He never lied to me about loving me or about leaving his W. He told me I could have other partners, & even encouraged me to. He said he didn't want to stand in my way. Yet, I made the decision to be with him, & to be monogamous & committed. I did this to myself. Still, I feel I have some right to be mad because he LET me do it to myself for years. Somehow, though, I'm not angry.

[Versailles]

I think it's fine that you are not angry. IMHO, it sounds like you understand that he never gave any false promises so you can't see a reason to be angry. I can relate to that. If the MM I love decided to quit our relationship, I would be devastated and sad but not angry because he never lied or made me any promises he couldn't keep.

[eye of the storm]

OldMaid, I actually think its healthy, your feelings. It means you understand you chose to do this. When you focus the feelings on them, it keeps you from healing and learning.

 

I hope much peace for you. It sounds

 

like you are already on the right path.

[FusionCutter]

Part of me feels like I should be angry with my previous partner, but I can't even be mad. He never lied to me about loving me or about leaving his W. He told me I could have other partners, & even encouraged me to. He said he didn't want to stand in my way. Yet, I made the decision to be with him, & to be monogamous & committed. I did this to myself. Still, I feel I have some right to be mad because he LET me do it to myself for years. Somehow, though, I'm not angry.

 

There's no point to be angry. No regrets right? No regrets because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted.

 

You wanted to prove your dedication and devotion. Focus it on an available person and it will be good.

 

My MW was the same. After a while she told me to date around. I realize I couldn't even "cheat" on a cheater. How crazy is that? I decided to let the whole thing go.

 

At least your MM didn't future fake or tell you he saw a future, etc. There can be a certain amount of respect for the MM that says "Look, I'm never leaving."

[the_artist_1970]

As I said in my OP, I made the decision, which is the same thing as saying I chose to. That's why I'm not angry. However, if I'm responsible for my actions, that would mean he's responsible for his. He allowed me to do this to myself because it benefited him. It takes two people for this to occur. I could not have done this to myself on my own. Even you say, "he took advantage of you," so it seems I wasn't the only one making choices here.

 

Can you explain how he allowed you to degrade and devalue yourself? I cannot understand that type of logic/thinking. Just curious. How does one blame someone else for their choices.

 

And he didn't take advantage of you. You got something out of staying with him. You both benefited. Otherwise you would have made the choice to end it.

Edited November 28, 2014 by the_artist_1970

[Artie Lang]

guess you don't buy into the "personal accountability" mantra.

 

 

we all have choices.

[Poppy47]

The xMM in my case was never going to leave his wife.

 

Like yours, he was happy for me to be available and exclusively his.

 

For a long time I felt bitter that he would "allow" me to do this, rather than walk away. Then it dawned on me that I was old enough to say NO.

 

I didn't and it was my choice. I lived to regret it . Lost my grip on reality for a few years. I was so immersed in the fairyland of the A.

 

The bitterness has faded now.

 

Poppy.

[GirlStillStrong]

As I said in my OP, I made the decision, which is the same thing as saying I chose to. That's why I'm not angry. However, if I'm responsible for my actions, that would mean he's responsible for his. He allowed me to do this to myself because it benefited him. It takes two people for this to occur. I could not have done this to myself on my own. Even you say, "he took advantage of you," so it seems I wasn't the only one making choices here.

 

"He took advantage"-How in the hell does anyone but him know what his own thoughts and motivations were? That is a victim mentality and gets no one no where. In fact, it only makes **** worse.

 

I agree with you-you have no right to be angry. You are a grown adult and made your own choices. You can be angry if you want but WTH is it going to get you? People who need to be right just don't get the point.

 

I'm glad you take responsibility for your own decisions and your own behavior. The world is FULL of people doing the opposite. Until women OWN their desires so that they can be fully accountable for and to themselves, they will continue to be victims.

 

Being angry is a complete waste of time. Hope you're doing something productive.

[GirlStillStrong]

One more thing... this whole "he allowed me to do this to myself" way of thinking is ridiculous. If you are a grown adult without some cognitive disability or deficit, you are 100% responsible for your own behavior. If he lied or hid the fact that he was married that's one thing. But if you know a man is married and get involved with him anyway, that's your responsibility, not his. His responsibility is for his OWN behavior. So many of us believe we are going to be with some person in the future and have so many things going on in our heads while running around with these married people, we completely ignore what is going on in the now, what is reality, which is that the person is MARRIED. TO SOMEONE ELSE. Then one day we wake up to this fact and want to blame THEM for our own continuous decision to ignore the truth? That's just childish.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Part of me feels like I should be angry with my previous partner, but I can't even be mad. He never lied to me about loving me or about leaving his W. He told me I could have other partners, & even encouraged me to. He said he didn't want to stand in my way. Yet, I made the decision to be with him, & to be monogamous & committed. I did this to myself. Still, I feel I have some right to be mad because he LET me do it to myself for years. Somehow, though, I'm not angry.

 

No, you do not have the right to be mad with the MM.

 

He was only following the worth that you yourself had set on you.

 

You did not have your own back....that is who let you down...you.

 

The good news, because your worth is determined by you...you are free to require more of yourself and others.

[Baby123]

You do have a right to be angry, yes there's personal accountability which it looks like you to display but there is also the fact he told you he loved or cared for you- if he did he should have tried to protect you and pushed you to move on from a situation that wasn't right for you.

[still_an_Angel]

You do have a right to be angry, yes there's personal accountability which it looks like you to display but there is also the fact he told you he loved or cared for you- if he did he should have tried to protect you and pushed you to move on from a situation that wasn't right for you.

 

I disagree with this, the MM did tell her to see other people and he will not stand in her way. It was the OP's decision to stay and be monogamous. It is the OP's lookout to decide what is right for her regardless of what the MM wants. As adults we are capable of navigating our own way in life, no one "allows" us what to do.

 

To the OP, you decided to have this R with your MM, you knew what the stakes were yet you went ahead, you were happy to be monogamous, you got what you wanted from the R, why be angry now?

[the_artist_1970]

You do have a right to be angry, yes there's personal accountability which it looks like you to display but there is also the fact he told you he loved or cared for you- if he did he should have tried to protect you and pushed you to move on from a situation that wasn't right for you.

 

You must live in a world with purple unicorns and constant rainbows. A lying and cheating MM should protect someone. Now that is the ultimate joke.