Lesson for Maintaining NC

[whatssoraven]

For me, NC is successful because whenever I'm tempted to break it, I remember that they (XAP) never respond the way you expect them to. And that just leaves you feeling even worse for succumbing to weakness in the first place and reaching out.

 

 

This has happened to me enough times, even in regular relationships that it's always stuck in the back of my mind not to go crying, begging or looking desperate.

 

 

You may be seeking closure, which is fine. But then you compose this heartfelt, genuine long email to them, you break NC and you send it. And they respond with one sentence, one word or in some cases, do not even respond at all. You want them to fight for you instead they seem indifferent.

 

 

Or in some cases, they may engage or indulge you that day but then the next day, they stop initiating. And you feel like a fool, you lose your upper hand and find yourself in square one again.

[JCG]

I agree with you 100%. I am in day 5 of NC. Or, refusing to initiate. I'm hoping he initiates soon, so I can NOT respond. We ended our relationship at the end of July. We decided to be 'friends'. Well we know how that works! It doesn't!! He would contact me at random every couple of weeks, and of course I would reply and it would be a spurt of banter until the next time! Of course when it was convenient for HIM. He would do all of the initiating. He doesn't even know that I am in NC mode. Not until he decides to contact me again. This random contact by him has gone on for 3 months, and I've had enough. What is really behind his contact? I've set it all back every time I respond. Is it too late to go NC? After responding every time up until now?? I want him to know what it's like to be without my response, and the unwillingness to engage his random crap of text message 'footsies'. I hope it's not too late to empower myself in this manner!

[HtotheN]

It is never too late.

[LynnFrost]

Very true. When I've broken NC the MM is receptive, tells me how much he loves me/can't live without me and within days, it is back to the same stuff. NOTHING CHANGES. Still living with wife, still lying about it, still has SO much more stress than anyone else in the world...on and on. What has helped me keep NC now for 2 weeks and going strong: 1) The realization that breaking NC gives relief but does not change anything...AT ALL. 2) Medication and counseling...swore I'd not go on antidepressants, but I am trying to get all the help I can to put this dude in my rearview mirror permanently.

[Lessons]

...random crap of text message 'footsies'

 

This a perfect description of my A/P's daily efforts to stay in contact. . . I get these lame, fluffy little pokes a couple of times a day. I know, I know . . . just block him, right?? After more than three years in this affair, I've learned that it makes things worse for me when NC is a "thing". Like my therapist says, "if I tell you not to think about elephants, that is all you will think about." It's definitely true for me - counting up the NC clock, NOT checking my phone for messages, driving a new way home so I won't pass him on the road, avoiding social events if there's a chance he might be there . . . all those things just give him more head space. I am aiming for indifference - I want to be able to share the planet (and this small town) with him, participate in all my usual daily activities, and eventually just feel nothing when I do run into him. I am getting closer to that goal every day.

 

Whatssoraven, I hope N/C works for you and you find peace. I have sent many of those long, heartfelt emails myself - now I write them in my journal and send them to the cloud instead of my A/P. Looking back, some are pretty darned cringeworthy!

 

For those of you in NC, LC, or just thinking about trying to get out . . . I feel for you.

[Decisiontomake]

I've been in an affair for 2.5 years. I initiated ending it at the end of September. I then wobbled but he stayed firm. We had a few discussions after that point - how much he's struggling, how he wants to do the right thing for ME etc. I believe his compass to be genuine on those things BUT after three weeks of NC in which I worked - hard - to come to terms with not seeing him anymore, HE breaks contact and I fall again. Went for dinner with him the last two nights. First night we have fun. He touches my leg under table. End up at his hotel but just lay there cuddling again at his initiation. Dinner again last night. Lovely meal, intense discussions again. Then at end of night he says he can't get physical with me as it just causes too much angst - this is again after he's reached out for my hand etc all night. I told him to never contact me again. That during the three weeks I'd done OK and that he has been nothing other than selfish and cruel this last week and that is how I will now remember him.

 

I'm terribly sad this morning. This thread is just what I need. I'm now feeling mad too - like I want to tell his wife or at least threaten him with it. I did the three weeks NC and let him just happily slot back into his life. Now I'm feeling torn between wanting to be cruel too or walking away again silently.

[sunburned]

Whatsoraven, great post! Very insightful. You can't get hurt if you don't communicate. This has helped me stay NC for well over a year.

 

I don't want to t/j but would like to comment on the comments of other posters, which I think is still contributing to this particular thread.

 

JCG, you ask "what is really behind his contact?" He wants you to stroke his ego, wants to know he still gets to you. The real question is why do you keep responding? I understand your plan is not to respond next time. Why wait? Tell him you want no more contact and if he does, you will tell his wife. That should end the cycle. I love your footsies metaphor. Brilliant

 

LynnFrost, important to remember that breaking NC gives only very temporary relief. Good for you getting the help you need. No need to be a medication martyr. If it helps you get over the hump for a month or two then it's worth it.

 

Lessons, I vaguely remembered your story as a start/stop one and so I looked it up : )

 

You say you don't believe in NC, but that you are "aiming for indifference - I want to be able to share the planet (and this small town) with him, participate in all my usual daily activities, and eventually just feel nothing when I do run into him. I am getting closer to that goal every day."

 

NC and indifference are not mutually exclusive. In fact, NC is what helps you achieve indifference. I think you know this as you have several times on this board talked about the importance of NC. On Oct. 23, 2013, you said you were done with your A for good, but a year plus later, you are still in it. And it seems you are still in it precisely for failure to stick to NC and blocking.

 

Oct. 23, 2013: you wrote to another poster: True freedom - and the beginning of your healing process - will come only when you BLOCK every avenue of contact.

 

November 6 : "Take control of your life - and block him. NC is the ONLY way out of the fog . . . and life becomes beautiful again when you are running the show."

 

February 14: You said you broke 3 mos of NC in December but were on Day 12 of Round 2 of NC and that you were "THRIVING. I am in IC dealing with the reasons I strayed in the first place, and I know now that I will never go back to the A. I already have what I thought I was missing."

 

Aug. 4, 2014: Not clear when you broke NC after February but you said you were at Day 9 NC and that "I am finally DONE."

 

Here it is November of 2014 and you are still calling him your AP, not xAP. Lesson, you need to learn one! It seems NC is the only thing that works. Each time you've reported healing and feeling good. You just have to stop breaking it. Yes it's effing hard, but your other strategy (?) isn't working either.

 

If you want to achieve indifference as you say, you have to block, go NC and stay NC ... not for months, for life!! You can do it!

[FusionCutter]

I've been in an affair for 2.5 years. I initiated ending it at the end of September. I then wobbled but he stayed firm. We had a few discussions after that point - how much he's struggling, how he wants to do the right thing for ME etc. I believe his compass to be genuine on those things BUT after three weeks of NC in which I worked - hard - to come to terms with not seeing him anymore, HE breaks contact and I fall again. Went for dinner with him the last two nights. First night we have fun. He touches my leg under table. End up at his hotel but just lay there cuddling again at his initiation. Dinner again last night. Lovely meal, intense discussions again. Then at end of night he says he can't get physical with me as it just causes too much angst - this is again after he's reached out for my hand etc all night. I told him to never contact me again. That during the three weeks I'd done OK and that he has been nothing other than selfish and cruel this last week and that is how I will now remember him.

 

I'm terribly sad this morning. This thread is just what I need. I'm now feeling mad too - like I want to tell his wife or at least threaten him with it. I did the three weeks NC and let him just happily slot back into his life. Now I'm feeling torn between wanting to be cruel too or walking away again silently.

 

These people don't know how hurtful they're being. You could say "If you truly cared about me you wouldn't hurt me by contacting me, because you know the effect it has on me."

 

To them, it makes as much sense to a person saying to an alcoholic spouse "If you loved me, you wouldn't drink so much." Showing love and compassion is not that they need to fix their problem - in fact it makes it worse.

 

To them, it makes as much sense saying to a sick person: "If you loved me, you wouldn't cough on me." They need to see a doctor for their issues, you can't help them.

 

To them, it makes as much sense as a person being physically abused saying to their partner. "If you loved me, you wouldn't hit me." The abuse will NOT stop, or in fact may get worse if you stick around.

 

The only way out is to extricate yourself out of the situation.

 

My guess is that this guy will try to contact you again for sure. You can either:

 

1.) Let it affect you

2.) Realize it will serve no purpose other than it will hurt you

 

The choice is yours. It's a tough road to walk on - but realize you are not alone, and keep thinking about their spouse. Good luck.

Edited November 18, 2014 by FusionCutter

[Decisiontomake]

These people don't know how hurtful they're being. You could say "If you truly cared about me you wouldn't hurt me by contacting me, because you know the effect it has on me."

 

To them, it makes as much sense to a person saying to an alcoholic spouse "If you loved me, you wouldn't drink so much." Showing love and compassion is not that they need to fix their problem - in fact it makes it worse.

 

To them, it makes as much sense saying to a sick person: "If you loved me, you wouldn't cough on me." They need to see a doctor for their issues, you can't help them.

 

To them, it makes as much sense as a person being physically abused saying to their partner. "If you loved me, you wouldn't hit me." The abuse will NOT stop, or in fact may get worse if you stick around.

 

The only way out is to extricate yourself out of the situation.

 

My guess is that this guy will try to contact you again for sure. You can either:

 

1.) Let it affect you

2.) Realize it will serve no purpose other than it will hurt you

 

The choice is yours. It's a tough road to walk on - but realize you are not alone, and keep thinking about their spouse. Good luck.

 

 

Thank you FC. Ground zero again for me today - will start to rebuild. x

[Jk07]

I just joined this forum today after a google search for how to not text somebody. I'm not sure I'm ready to get into the details of my situation, but this thing I've been in has been emotional only, long distance, over a year long, and most contact initiated by me because I'm the married one. he told me he needs to take a break. I don't want this, but if it's what he needs, I'll give it to him. I feel dumped, but I'm not sure that I am. I admit I've been needy lately and it's very poor timing for him, as he's just started a support modification with the ex of 8 years.

 

I met my husband when I was 16. I've never been dumped and now I find myself in a situation where I can't lean on anyone to get me through this. I realize the easy way to go no contact is to block and delete, but since I don't know if this is the end or not I don't want to do that. I just want to know tips and strategy to avoid texting someone. Stay busy, stay away from your phone, what else is there? What can one do in a moment of weakness?

[Decisiontomake]

I just joined this forum today after a google search for how to not text somebody. I'm not sure I'm ready to get into the details of my situation, but this thing I've been in has been emotional only, long distance, over a year long, and most contact initiated by me because I'm the married one. he told me he needs to take a break. I don't want this, but if it's what he needs, I'll give it to him. I feel dumped, but I'm not sure that I am. I admit I've been needy lately and it's very poor timing for him, as he's just started a support modification with the ex of 8 years.

 

I met my husband when I was 16. I've never been dumped and now I find myself in a situation where I can't lean on anyone to get me through this. I realize the easy way to go no contact is to block and delete, but since I don't know if this is the end or not I don't want to do that. I just want to know tips and strategy to avoid texting someone. Stay busy, stay away from your phone, what else is there? What can one do in a moment of weakness?

 

If you don't have friends to lean on then journal (if you can keep it safe), or draft emails but DON'T send them. That's what I did in a period of NC and it helped. Allowed me to feel as though I was getting all my emotions out - or just get out throw away things I would have normally shared with him. I'm lucky that I have multiple friends who know my situation and they have rallied like the fighting force they are to drag my sad, emotional sorry ass through this! No contact is totally and utterly hard - the only way I managed it was by removing any access I had to the mediums we used to use; deleted the email account, removed contact details from my phone, removed apps that were used for communication - everything. It sucks entirely - you want to know if they've reached out - you don't want to close everything down because you truly don't want the relationship closed down BUT the reality is in your case from what little you've said, he's asked for the space. You need to give it. Keep posting - we are all in the same boat but are at different degrees of the storm.

[Lessons]

 

NC and indifference are not mutually exclusive. In fact, NC is what helps you achieve indifference. I think you know this as you have several times on this board talked about the importance of NC. On Oct. 23, 2013, you said you were done with your A for good, but a year plus later, you are still in it. And it seems you are still in it precisely for failure to stick to NC and blocking.

 

Here it is November of 2014 and you are still calling him your AP, not xAP. Lesson, you need to learn one! It seems NC is the only thing that works. Each time you've reported healing and feeling good. You just have to stop breaking it. Yes it's effing hard, but your other strategy (?) isn't working either.

 

If you want to achieve indifference as you say, you have to block, go NC and stay NC ... not for months, for life!! You can do it!

 

 

Hello, Sunburned,

 

. . . and sorry for the t/j, whatssoraven. You are absolutely right; my affair has turned into the never-ending story. To be fair, with the exception of my slip-up last December, it is always my A/P who reaches out and breaks NC, regardless of who initiated it. The problem is that we are in the same social circle and, short of giving up all of my friends and activities, I am definitely going to run into him occasionally. We both agree that we need to at least be civil when those encounters occur, lest all of our friends figure out something is going on between us. We were close friends for a long time before we crossed the line, so it would definitely be obvious to all if we quit speaking altogether.

 

I laughed when I saw that you looked up all of my old posts . . . and I agree that I need a new concept of “the end”. Each time A/P and I have “broken up” it felt final . . . end of story . . . I’m done . . . over and out . . .we can’t do this any more . . . etc. In the end, those dramatic breakups just seem to bring us closer together once we talk about what happened – and I don’t want to do that any more. I’ve blocked and unblocked and reblocked him a dozen times or more; like I said, it doesn’t help to act like he doesn’t exist – I need to be able to handle the reality of occasional contact within our social group. I just want us to agree to end the affair peacefully . . . and I think we are very close to that point, if not already there. We haven’t talked or messaged in a couple of days, and I have no intention of reaching out. He is divorcing and contemplating a fresh start, and I am still married. We both need to move on. I will mourn the end of the friendship, but I won’t miss the affair – I am definitely ready to get off the roller coaster and focus on my own life and issues in my marriage.

 

I applaud you and all of the other LSers who have been able to maintain NC long-term – I do know that in most cases it is the best hope for healing. In my case it really isn’t an option, so I really appreciate the handful of posters here who write about how to move on when, for reasons of work or mutual friends or whatever, you can’t avoid your A/P completely. I know we can't ever be "just friends" again (been there, tried that, didn't work), so I am hoping for peaceful, indifferent coexistence. I don’t post very often but I am here every single day, reading, gathering strength, and looking forward to the day when this is all ancient history for me.

 

Thank you for taking the time to research and comment on my craziness - I do appreciate the support. :-)

 

Whatssoraven, thank you for starting this thread - it always helps to hear how people are managing in NC. I wish you continued strength as you work to reclaim your life, heart, and dignity after your affair. I DO know how hard it is.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Lessons

[Jk07]

Well I went a little over a day NC. How's that for someone I was used to texting several times a day? Last we talked I told him I wasn't going to stop texting and he said something about managing my expectations if he doesn't reply. I wanted to reach out in the middle of the night. I even started a post here but my browser crashed and I finally fell asleep.

 

This morning I said good morning, told him I'd sent him a song a couple days ago and hoped he got it, and told him to have a good day. Then I went for a run and realized that song was laced with all kinds of expectations. So I texted again and told him to forget about that, and I know he probably doesn't want to hear from me but my husband will be out tonight if he wants to hang out (by phone) and get out of his head and talk about stupid stuff. No pressure though.

 

I sound desperate. I hate that. It truly sucks that our entire relationship had to be based on me reaching out. In the past I've alway had to tell him when I have a block of time free and we would Skype or whatever. Old habits.

 

Yesterday when I maintained NC, I felt a sense of relief (laced with boredom and loneliness, but still). This should be over. He's trying to get his kids back. Its been 8 years since his divorce and he's still a wreck. He's afraid my marriage will fall apart and I will lean on him to get through it when he's barely treading water himself. I have kids too. In fact, I was pregnant through most of our relationship! I have a 10 week old. What am I doing?! But I've been his cheerleader and friend for so long now, that it's just to hard to let him go and take on the world by himself. He's a grown man, and I have my own responsibilities. I've never connected with someone so well though.

 

He knew I was married when he started talking to me. I thought I was happily married and had a "before it happened to me" attitude about cheating. But he lit up my world like I've never experienced. We had one physical encounter and then he moved across the country. He should have let me go then. He knew I was naive. My husband found out we talk, but he doesn't know it's intimate. He thinks we are friends. Even said I can go visit. AP doesn't trust this at all. I wish AP understood that I'm still the stable one and am here for him.

 

I'm glad I found this place. I have one friend who knows about us. She's in an affair herself and was the one that told me AP was into me in the first place and to go for it. I don't regret doing it, but she generally gives bad advice and has her own drama she conflates with mine. I kind of blame her for what I said to him right before he called for this break. Neither her or AP trust that my husband is okay with me having a guy friend or that I'm not about to blow my life apart.

 

At least I now have a place to talk myself in circles.

I told him I'd send him a smiley when I am free tonight. I'll do that and then go NC again. See if I can make it two days this time.

[Decisiontomake]

Some comments I wanted to make on this thread

 

 

Well I went a little over a day NC. How's that for someone I was used to texting several times a day? Last we talked I told him I wasn't going to stop texting and he said something about managing my expectations if he doesn't reply. I wanted to reach out in the middle of the night. I even started a post here but my browser crashed and I finally fell asleep.

 

This morning I said good morning, told him I'd sent him a song a couple days ago and hoped he got it, and told him to have a good day. Then I went for a run and realized that song was laced with all kinds of expectations. So I texted again and told him to forget about that, and I know he probably doesn't want to hear from me but my husband will be out tonight if he wants to hang out (by phone) and get out of his head and talk about stupid stuff. No pressure though.

 

I sound desperate. I hate that. It truly sucks that our entire relationship had to be based on me reaching out. In the past I've alway had to tell him when I have a block of time free and we would Skype or whatever. Old habits.

 

 

Yes, we start to sound desperate for sure. And that is awful for our self esteem. If you're wanting to go NC, then that's what you have to do - not these little drip fed texts. You're going round in circles with this. Believe me, after sending a last text to my exAP yesterday I am desperate to text again - desperate, but I'm not going to. That's what NC is! Breaking habits is hard - morning time is hard for me as that's when I'd wake up and check emails to see if he had messaged - that's less now because I closed the email account about 5 weeks ago so I'm out of that habit, but he is still the first thing I think of when I wake up.

 

But I've been his cheerleader and friend for so long now, that it's just to hard to let him go and take on the world by himself. He's a grown man, and I have my own responsibilities. I've never connected with someone so well though. This so resonated with me - cheerleader - that's what he used to call me. Saying that I was the biggest support he'd ever had - I helped him with business issues, personal stuff - the whole nine yards. I recognize that pattern in myself that helping others in that way makes ME feel needed. They (OMs) of course lap it up as we are basically supporting them emotionally. It's NOT good for you/us though -it really isn't. If you have kids (especially such a young one), then you need to focus that giving side of your nature on them or if you need something more adult/mentally stimulating then find something - anything - just not him. He doesn't deserve your help, nor does it help you.

 

He knew I was married when he started talking to me. I thought I was happily married and had a "before it happened to me" attitude about cheating. But he lit up my world like I've never experienced. We had one physical encounter and then he moved across the country. He should have let me go then. He knew I was naive. My husband found out we talk, but he doesn't know it's intimate. He thinks we are friends. Even said I can go visit. AP doesn't trust this at all. I wish AP understood that I'm still the stable one and am here for him. You want to be the stable one for him because again - helping him in that way makes you feel needed. I'm not judging in saying that - I'm 100% the same! But it's easier to point it out to someone when reading a black and white post, than it is to see that in yourself. I've recognized that in myself now so am working on that.

 

I'm glad I found this place. I have one friend who knows about us. She's in an affair herself and was the one that told me AP was into me in the first place and to go for it. I don't regret doing it, but she generally gives bad advice and has her own drama she conflates with mine. I kind of blame her for what I said to him right before he called for this break. Neither her or AP trust that my husband is okay with me having a guy friend or that I'm not about to blow my life apart.

 

At least I now have a place to talk myself in circles.

I told him I'd send him a smiley when I am free tonight. I'll do that and then go NC again. I really wouldn't do that. I just wouldn't. Tempting - hell yes - of course it will be and maybe tonight you won't manage it BUT it's not going to get you anything you want or need, other than a temporary high. You deserve more peace than that brings and you have the control to start that journey.See if I can make it two days this time.