Affair with my friends man

[Ocean Breeze]

Ok where to start. When I first met MM I became friends with his wife I never took any notice of him at all. I was always invited to their parties with other friends and I do remember noticing him starring at me from a distance, but it never fazed me at all. A few months afterwards his wife and I parted as friends and I wasn't sure why she turned her back on me but she did and it hurt as I trusted her, she can be very emotionless at times and as friends I assumed that meant something, but it didn't and this stayed this way for some time and during that time I was not in a good space from it.

 

One day I went to a friends sons birthday party, I was with another friend who became bored and wanted to go to a tavern in which I agreed and off we went, well time went by and more friends came and he showed up and sat next to me, I didn't think of anything but I did appoligise to him for the way his wife and I had parted as friends. Later that night we all returned to our friends home for drinks and out of nowhere he came up to me and told me how much he wanted me and had always wanted me and I guess the alcohol took its toll and the anger with the way his wife had treated me, I took the bait with no regrets. Around 8 months later his wife and I met up again through a community group and we slowly started to talk again, I had pushed the affair aside knowing there would be nothing of it but the attraction was still there.

 

I made it very clear that I would never leave my husband for him and the same should be for him as well and that we would remain just friends for the sake of our families, but for some stupid reason we both knew it would happen again. At one time I felt he was using me for his own gain so I deleted his number and contact was stopped. just recently I was working near their house i called his wife to ask if I could call in to pick something up that I had borrowed to her. His wife said she wouldn't be home but MM would be, I hesitated and later on call her back and said I couldn't make it. The following morning not realising it was his number he called me and told me he wanted to see me, he knew I was going to go over and had organised for us to be alone. i told him it was not a good idea, but long story short I ended up there and we slept together. Later we talked and opened up and no badness was spoken about our partners we just needed each other for that short time. No hurt to anyone is intended even tho the risk is high, but when all is said and done he returns to his family like the happy man he makes out to be and I to mine.

 

All our children are grown and we have both been in our marriages for over 20 years. He says he loves me but I cnt reply with the same but I do care and because of this I keep my distance part of it guilt the other part I am scared as to where this could lead to. i know most replies would be you will get hurt, how could you, think of those you are hurting,divorce your husband do the right thing even. We know this, I know this all I want to know is there anyone else out there that has gone through the same thing and the question I ask is did you get through it, how did you get through it, we are all human we all do things we are not always proud of, we make mistakes.

 

I do love my husband and I will never leave him for another man and our relationship is so great even our intimacy, so why do I feel this attraction for another man. Just want to know if anyone else has gone through something similar before.

Edited November 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[DKT3]

First of all this isn't a mistake, this is a poor decision that your making everyday to stay engaged in an affair.

 

Secondly, how do you see this ending? Or like it to end?

 

My ex-wife saw things much like you, the whole "I would never leave for another man, I wasn't in love with him" thing. Funny thing happened along the way, I found out. Then the choice was no longer in her hands.

 

What will your reaction be when this is found out?

[Friskyone4u]

Very few people married 20 years can honestly say the have never been attracted to another person. Your problem is that you acted on it and the fact that you are saying you love your husband and would never leave him makes it likely that because of that you will actually have a very good chance of losing him by continuing to lie, deceive, and meet this OM.

Being pissed at his wife may have helped you cross the boundary but you made the choice.

So now you have another choice. You MM will certainly want to have sex with you again. You either control your attraction or continue to do the wrong thing and eventually you will get caught. No One thinks that will happen but it does. One sure way to stop it is to confess to your husband,!be remorseful and repair the hurt. That will work a lot better than carrying on for months and the. Getting caught but you probably won't want to take the risk . The is called not being accountable for your actions to this person you say you love.

Only you can decide what to do. But just do not think there will never be consequences and please stop using attraction as the excuse. If you think your husband never has laid his eyes out on another woman that he would not mind having sex with you are not being truthful wit yourself .! But he did not act on it , you did

[ComingInHot]

you may never choose to leave your H but he may very well choose to leave you if, however, he is ever given a choice regarding his own marriage and life. Good wishes OP, and maybe give to your H what you are giving to your friend/ex-friend's H instead.

Makes for a-lot less drama*

CiH

[JustJoe]

I predict that this will end very badly. OP, you need to come clean with your husband, and soon, or this is going to blow up in your face. You and the OM are too close socially to maintain this level of contact or to "just be friends" and it is only a matter of time before you are found out. You may not think so, but at some point , something will happen that will "Out " your affair. The odds against you remaining secret are very, very, slim to none. Almost all affairs involving close friends, family, or co-workers are revealed. The best thing you can do , now, is be proactive and reveal the affair , thereby showing your remorse to and respect for, your husband. If he or the OM's wife ever find out by themselves, both marriages will probably be history. You chose to have an affair, now choose to do the right thing.

[Sub]

i told him it was not a good idea, but long story short I ended up there and we slept together. Later we talked and opened up and no badness was spoken about our partners we just needed each other for that short time. No hurt to anyone is intended even tho the risk is high, but when all is said and done he returns to his family like the happy man he makes out to be and I to mine.

 

It kind of seems like you're just going with the flow here, thinking "what's another time since we've already crossed the line and the damage has already been done." But doing it in their house is beyond the pale. Just know that if/when it's discovered, the BS's will not be concerned that there weren't intentions to hurt. Especially when she knows that things were icy between you and her.

 

Also, given that he's started with the ILY's, you're dealing with a man who will potentially become more obsessive about this than you. And I'm sure he gets a kick out of the fact that you harbored some resentment for his W at one time. He may be coupling that with some of his own (probably misplaced) resentment and doing this as a means to stick it to her. So you can say your intentions aren't to hurt, but I'm sure there's an undercurrent of "take that!" I mean, you just banged her husband in their house. That's definitely not a mistake. So please don't be disingenuous.

[the_artist_1970]

Stay away from this man's wife because you are not her friend. You do not know how to be a friend because of the mental state you are in now. When she finds out this will be a double betrayal. Stay away from her house. Develop stronger boundaries with MM and work on your need for approval from others. This is a sick and twisted game you are playing and someone is bound to get hurt.

[LifesontheUp]

I'm another wife that found out her husband had an affair. He begged and begged to be taken back but I decided I didn't want him.

 

If you love your husband, and don't want to leave him I can only assume you are enjoying the thrill? If so its a dangerous game you are playing and you could very well end up losing your husband over it. If you don't want that to happen show some control. A grown woman is capable of taking control of her choices no?

[gettingstronger]

I agree-only risk what you are willing to lose- if you are willing to lose your marriage why not leave it so your husband live authentically-if you are not willing to lose your marriage, you need to stop the affair.

[whichwayisup]

You know it's wrong, yet you've taken every single opportunity to go for it. Going against your own better judgement (which you ignored over and over again), you've invited this into your life, hurting and betraying your husband, putting your family life as you know it at risk. Just hope all this chasing and game playing affair with MM is worth it.

 

His wife and your husband will be devastated and you and MM are making total fools of them, pretending and keeping up the guise that you two are 'just' friends.

 

Neither of you want to leave your spouses, only pain and heartache, innocent lives are gonna be turned upside because of your and MM's selfish actions.

 

Sorry that my post is harsh, I wish you strength to end it, seek counseling to fix you and work on reconnecting with your husband.

[beach]

Wow... I will never leave my husband but I treat him poorly. Why? Why should your husband settle for so little?

 

And you ask why do you have this attraction to the other MM? Because you are selfish and in need of attention and willing to disrespect your husband by being dishonest.

 

Why should your H stay married to someone who participates that way? It doesn't look like love to me.

[GoBlue]

The reason you feel attraction for him is because you gave yourself away. I know in our "sex saturated" world people still profess that you can sleep around and not have your emotions involved. Well, no matter how much our secular world wants to shove that message down our throats, it just isn't true. I am very sorry that you made this choice because I know how complicated it has made your life. All the secrets, all the emotions, all the doubts, and all the fear. In my experience - these things (affairs) always end up getting exposed. I have no doubt you are sorry but Pandora's box has been opened and most of the time the only way it gets closed is through disclosure. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Darren Steez]

Imagine this scenario..

 

The look on each of your grown children's faces when they are told their mother did this. The impact on their lives and how they precede forwards but that's after..

 

The look on your husband's face when he finds out.

 

It's funny how people do an immediate U-turn when they are found out. The script.. how could I do this, I can't believe what I've done, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to them.. but that motivation always seems to come too late doesn't it.

 

No one is forcing you to OM, this "attraction" would end the minute your H finds out. So use it as motivation to end it and do the right thing.

 

20 years of loyalty..don't you owe that to your husband?

 

Good luck.

[Arieswoman]

Ocean breeze,

You said ;-

 

we are all human we all do things we are not always proud of, we make mistakes.

 

I'm afraid you are only deluding yourself on this "mistake" issue. This affair was never a "mistake". It was planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end both your marriages, yet you went ahead with it.

 

You could have broken contact with this man at any time before you had sex with him, but you chose not to. That was a choice not a mistake.

 

You then chose to have sex at his house presumably in the marital bed? - So you both disrespected his home, his wife and his marriage (as well as your own).

 

My husband cheated with his AP in our bed and I can tell you know that it took all the self-control I had not to find her and knock her into the middle of next week. The hurt and betrayal I felt was indescribable.

 

You are playing a dangerous game. You will be discovered and the fallout will seem worse than Chernobyl when it happens.

 

You have involved your husband in an open marriage without his knowledge or consent, so you obviously don't respect him.

 

IMO you need to fess-up and give your betrayed husband the knowledge he needs to make an informed decision about the situation.

 

And here's a Newsflash - just because you are married doesn't mean that you don't feel attracted to other people. The mature and sensible course of action is not to act on that.

 

Good luck, you're going to need it.

[Robert]

The thread starter is MIA, if they would like the thread re-opened then alert on this post and request it, thanks