newmoon Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 i have a friendship with a guy at work for about a year, he is married. we have been coffee buddies for about 10 months and have a nice comraderie, and chit chat about random stuff. nothing deep, nothing too personal. he has mentioned his wife very seldom, and i do date so occassionally i sometimes mention a date i had and where we went. over the past 3 months the talk about his wife has got more frequent, in a disparaging way. he tells me she is ugly, doesn't take care of her looks anymore, etc. degrading stuff about his wife, basically. i just sit and nod, saying not much back, and trying to change the topic. anyhow, he recently asked me over to his home for a dinner alone and to see his home - it was recently renovated. he lives apart from the wife, kind of. they each have their own home. i don't really know why because they are not separated or divorcing. anyhow... i have NO intention of ever going *there* since I am not romantically interested and would never be 'the other woman,' for anyone, but i feel really bad for his wife and any other woman who has a husband like this. can you imagine? you send your husband off to work all day, thinking he is working, and he is saying negative stuff about you and asking other people out. it's sad and depressing and makes me hate men even more (sorry, but it does). it's just not cool :-( and i also dislike that he may in any way think i have the morals that would allow me to say yes to that invite. anyhow... a vent i suppose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I agree with you! Many women find it a compliment that a MM would be interested. I think any woman with self respect would be insulted that he might assume that she would be so taken by him as to throw away her personal integrity for his attentions. Next time he starts in about his wife, I would very sweetly say that you prefer not to hear it as you find it quite depressing and that he is ruining your hopes of finding a good man with character as you are beginning to question whether they exist. Come over to my house for dinner alone = sex! 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Honypooh Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 If his conversation about his wife is that off putting to you, I am curious why you continue to be his coffee buddy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 If his conversation about his wife is that off putting to you, I am curious why you continue to be his coffee buddy. I agree HOney. Why choose a married man to be coffee buddies with anyway. Surely there must be other unattached or female colleagues. Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author newmoon Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 I agree HOney. Why choose a married man to be coffee buddies with anyway. Surely there must be other unattached or female colleagues. Poppy i go to coffee with him just once a week for 15-20 minutes and with females the other days, and other friends on other days. i mix it up, it's not *just* him, not at all. he is one of many coffee buddies. but since he asked me to his home two weeks ago i haven't gone with him to coffee and will not do so anymore without others along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Hi NewMoon- I think it's great that you were insulted by his proposition (did that come out right?) Exactly how I have felt when it happened to me. I know that I dress and behave conservatively, but when that happens it makes me feel icky, like somehow I did something. But anyway, proud of you! He is married so it may be better from now on to only speak with him in a group. You didn't do anything wrong, but he got the wrong idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Some cheaters are very predatory, in the sense that they have a tactic and test it to see who it will work on. They've already decided they are staying married and feel entitled to having an OW. This guys tactics do work on some women. It's not about the particular woman or her unique and special qualities- it's about who is willing. Who responds positively to his attention. Some women will listen and be sympathetic. When he gets that response he focuses his attention on her and fosters the bond- the emotional connection that will make her willing to be the OW. It's hard for OW to get out once those emotions take over. All men are not like this. But some are, and it's good that you have standards and boundaries. Those qualities will protect you when your emotions try to take over. There are good men who don't do this, you will just have to weed out guys like this to find them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Well done, new moon! I fell victim to one of those tactics men mentioned by Quiet Storm. I guess in all honesty I wasn't a victim but rather a willing participant. The "old" me would probably have accepted that invitation, quietly thinking there is nothing wrong with a dinner between friends. I would never do this now. It's a matter of boundaries. They must be staked early and often. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hey newmoon- It is an interesting point you make but if it bothers you so much why do you hang out with him at all? Most affairs that take place happen between people who know each other (i.e., co-workers) and develop a relationship over time. If you want to maintain the "coffee" relationship have you considered telling him how these recent actions make you feel? Honest and open communication could make a change in his behavior. Declaring the fact that you would "never go there" is like drawing a line in the sand. If he chooses to cross that line he needs to know what you will do in response. I hope this is a help - have a blessed day! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 You might also pull back on the interaction at work from now on, it's obvious he is looking to take it into the affair status...and remember if he talks that way about her he would also talk that way about you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 22, 2014 Share Posted October 22, 2014 I too fell pray (willingly) to a coworker...all the components...real innocent, casual, cool, friendly...nice guy, no surreal attraction.. Its amazing how fast the emotions do get involved, suddenly your looking for the emails and anticipating the coffee breaks. That "innocent" coworker interraction wrecked me later...it really destroyed me...Im glad you're taking the high road and also he may not even be friend material if he is putting down his wife so much, like, friends you should be able to learn and grow from...he doesn't maybe bring much to the table. Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 i have a friendship with a guy at work for about a year, he is married. we have been coffee buddies for about 10 months and have a nice comraderie, and chit chat about random stuff. nothing deep, nothing too personal. he has mentioned his wife very seldom, and i do date so occassionally i sometimes mention a date i had and where we went. over the past 3 months the talk about his wife has got more frequent, in a disparaging way. he tells me she is ugly, doesn't take care of her looks anymore, etc. degrading stuff about his wife, basically. i just sit and nod, saying not much back, and trying to change the topic. anyhow, he recently asked me over to his home for a dinner alone and to see his home - it was recently renovated. he lives apart from the wife, kind of. they each have their own home. i don't really know why because they are not separated or divorcing. anyhow... i have NO intention of ever going *there* since I am not romantically interested and would never be 'the other woman,' for anyone, but i feel really bad for his wife and any other woman who has a husband like this. can you imagine? you send your husband off to work all day, thinking he is working, and he is saying negative stuff about you and asking other people out. it's sad and depressing and makes me hate men even more (sorry, but it does). it's just not cool :-( and i also dislike that he may in any way think i have the morals that would allow me to say yes to that invite. anyhow... a vent i suppose. One disgusting MM who has no respect for women makes you hate men?? Really?? That says something about how limited your thinking is. The next time a MM crosses any type of boundary with you stop him before he gets a chance to talk bad about his W. A man who will talk about, cheat on his W will not respect you in the long run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I don't find them flattering at all, just utterly pitiful and downright repulsive. I second that, and would add I find them a fool too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovebug66 Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I don't find it at all flattering either. That goes for single men who know I'm married too. I don't care if he has Denzel Washington looks, Bill Gates money and spends his spare time helping orphans and rescuing puppies. It's still just gross. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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