How to get some balance in my life?

[Mylifeiscomplicated]

I'm new here although I have lurked for a bit. I decided to post today because my life is out of my control now and I really need some help with getting it under control.

 

 

I am having an affair, physical, with a man I've known for a long time. He's married, I'm married.

 

 

My marriage isn't terribly happy but isn't hideously awful enough for me to leave, well not just yet in any case.

 

 

My issue is that this affair is taking over my life. I can't think about anything else, I can't focus on anything else. My AP seems to be able to do that quite fine however. I hate being in a position where I am constantly waiting for a message on my phone. I spend my life waiting for him. My entire life is on hold while I wait for him to find time in his day to talk to me.

 

 

To be fair, he has a very demanding job and he does find as much time as he can to be with me. We spend hours every day talking. We talk on the phone and via text.

 

 

This is like an addiction. I crave contact with him and when I don't get it, I am in withdrawal.

 

 

I know what I should do, don't get me wrong. I know that the right thing to do is end the affair. I should never have started it in the first place. However, I did and I am well and truly hooked now. He says he loves me, every time we talk on the phone he tells me he loves me. We don't live near each other so we see each other 1 or 2 times a month. He also says he wants to be with me, he wants a future with me but he's not ready to end his marriage yet. I do understand that as I am not ready to end mine yet either.

 

 

As I said, I do know what the right thing to do is. My problem is that I don't want to. I don't want to end the affair. I have considered it and although my head says it's the right thing to do, my heart breaks just considering it.

 

 

When I don't hear from him, I am anxious and on edge. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I am stressed most of the time. I need to find a way to deal with this. I need to find a way to put this all aside and focus on my life, focus on my children, focus on my marriage and on me. I need to find a way to not be so in love with this man.

 

 

I know in my heart of hearts that this can't end any other way than very badly. Someone is going to get horribly hurt. I know I will, I hope that no one else is injured in the fall out.

 

 

 

 

I need to resolve this one way or the other, I can't be in this limbo anymore.

 

 

What do I do, how do I get to a position where I know what I want to do and how do I get to a position where I can choose between these two situations?

 

 

Please don't tell me that I should just end my marriage - if I wanted to do that I would have. The fact is that I do still love my husband. A lot. We aren't in a good place at the moment but he is fundamentally a good man and I wouldn't want to hurt him. I just don't know if I want to stay married to him.

 

 

I can't tell you how much I regret embarking on this affair, I wish I'd known right in the beginning how out of control it was going to get and how much it would take over my life.

 

 

I started out as a flirtation. Just a bit of fun, nothing serious - very lighthearted. It escalated so quickly. Before I knew it I was hooked and once I was, it's been impossible to leave. So many times I have told myself that I need to end it but the thought makes me feel physically ill.

 

 

I've been on edge all morning because he hasn't messaged me and now that he has I feel much calmer. Wtf is up with that and how do I stop that?

 

 

Thanks for making it to the end of my ramble.

[Lovelysweet2]

We spend hours every day talking. We talk on the phone and via text.

 

If you spend hours each day on the phone talking and you are doing all which you mentioned, you sound obsessed. How much more contact do you need? You caused me anxiety just reading all yours; I hope you can find that balance. Yoga may help.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I understand your feelings, as I have a LDR of over 3+ years. We are unable to be face to face, and feel so close it tugs at us in so many ways.

 

To get by, we made a commitment of no expectations, and complete freedom as to there are no guarantees we'd see each other. Because we have deep trust and understanding, along with deep love and acceptance, we have placed our fears into the rubbish bin along with the issues we resolve.

 

Fears can make you needy, greedy, clingy and all the rest of the 7 dwarfs. Hehehehe!!

 

If you can confront your fears and work to tackle them, and allow love to guide your heart, there is not a single day you will not feel what you have no matter how far away you are and for how long.

 

Though missing someone is not the same as always looking for contact. If in need for some support, you can always talk about your issue with feeling so needy with your SO. Maybe he can work with you, by being more open to his thoughts for you. So when you do have time away, reflecting on knowing how much he loves and cares for you can ease your longings.

 

I always sent long messages to my SM, to ease her worries, even though she did not require such things. In fact I would stress her out by all the things I would say. Unknowingly because, she would wonder what issues we had, or what she said had effect on me. She learned that what I was sharing was from my heart, and did not have anything pushing me into saying what I felt. As I was being honest and open.

 

Now I don't have to do so much, as things sinked in and we have shared so much in between.

 

Sometimes doing more than you need will force you into needing less later. Do what works for you, without making matters complicated between each other.

[DKT3]

No one can help you because you not willing to do anything, give up anything, or stop being selfish.

 

Did you ever slow down and consider that your marriage is bad now because your having an affair? I know the easy anwser is for you to say no, but in order for you to invest some much emotional energy in this affair you have to create an emotional distance in you marriage.

 

This story just can't end well, I fear it will end with you being divorced and without the AP.

[FusionCutter]

1. Acknowledge you are being a selfish woman

2. Let go of the man you don't truly love. "Breakup" with your affair partner for a month to find out how you really feel.

3. Commit to one relationship fully.

 

Want the right thing to do? Tell your husband everything and let him decide the best course of action.

[SunshineToday]

Not here to judge you. But you can't look at/love your husband the right way, in a true light, when your in an affair.

So you can't judge your marriage while cheating.

You get control back when you make the choice to stop deceiving. You can make that choice.

[Ronni_W]

This is like an addiction. I crave contact with him and when I don't get it, I am in withdrawal.

 

I know what I should do, don't get me wrong. I know that the right thing to do is end the affair.

No, that's not necessarily the "right" thing, the FIRST empowering thing that you can do for yourself.

 

The FIRST empowering thing that you MUST do for yourself is to stop thinking and feeling that you are not in control of your own addiction and craving. STOP telling yourself that there is some invisible entity that is controlling your thoughts, feelings, actions, desires.

 

Whatever choices and decisions you make, take 100% responsibility for them. Do NOT allow yourself to feel powerless and helpless over your own life and life experiences.

 

I do not know if your choices are "selfish" or "self-protective" or "soul necessary". People who are reading your posts don't know that. But you have a sense of it. Follow your own sense of what you soul-level need. But do not make some "invisible entity" take the credit or the blame. You ARE in control; you ARE the one making the choices and decisions...positive, negative or neutral.