Never Been So Shattered

[AbandonedHeart]

I'm now 23 and was with my ex boyfriend for four and a half years. We met when we were 18 but started dating when we were 19, after much convincing on his part. At first, he was so adoring, sweet, loving, and attentive. He was SO in love with me and would do anything for me. This might have had to do with the fact that I was very hard to get and was uninterested at first, so he had to pursue me very hard. He courted me, took me on nice dates, introduced me to his family early on, wrote a song for me and played it to me on his guitar, and told me he loved me after only TWO weeks of being exclusive. (yes, two weeks). He talked about wanting to marry me and how he could never ever leave me. I was obviously flattered, but also thought it was a red flag that he was falling so hard. But he was my very first relationship so it was very exciting, and it didn't take me long to fall for him, and I fell hard. I did notice that he had a pattern of lying, and often would lie about random, unimportant things. (such as telling me that he was accepted to Stanford and UCLA and other top notch universities on an athletic scholarship but was injured his senior year and ended up at a community college). He would often spew out other lies to seemingly impress me or cover up things. I also found out he was physically unfaithful to me once (to my knowledge) early on in our relationship and would text sexual things to his ex-girlfriend, but naively forgave him when he used his excellent speaking and arguing skills to convince me to take him back.

 

Anyway, after the first year he started treating me horrible. I was also a virgin at the time we met so I made him wait over a year before going all the way, so I'm sure he didn't feel the need to try as hard anymore once we finally did. He would break up with me randomly many times and then take me back. He talked to me horribly, as if he suddenly hated me. He caused me so much heartbreak from our constant breakups and fighting. I got to the point where I was walking on egg shells trying to not upset him by anything, doing everything I could to keep him happy, but he would walk all over me and then find some excuse to break up with me again. Several times, if I was over at his place and said something he didn't like or we would disagree about something, he would snap and kick me out of his place (even if I had been drinking and shouldn't drive.) I've spend so much time being patient with him and HOPING that his old self would come back and he would love me like he used to.

 

This past year we have been very up and down. He broke up with me almost a year ago, but has continued spending time with me, sleeping with me, telling me he still loves me and that we can be together again eventually, but that he's "not ready yet", meanwhile still continuing to treat me badly and ignoring me whenever convenient. He's even said that we're back together again a few times, but then will change his mind and we'll only be "kind of" back together. He told me that he is emotionally damaged from his childhood and has a difficult time with attachment (his dad abandoned him and his mom's love for him was inconsistent). I always tolerated his behavior because I believed he couldn't help it and that he would treat anyone this way. Meanwhile, since we technically "broke up", I have had many other guys try to date me and pursue me, but the only one I've wanted to be with is HIM, and I really don't even let anyone else have a chance (even if they're better looking, successful, and NICER than him.)

 

Two days ago, everything completely changed. Every Tuesday night I play volleyball right down the street from his house, and practically every week I go over there afterwards and usually sleep at his place. This time, after I was done playing, I texted him saying "Hey, is it cool if I come over?" He responded saying "No, I'm tired and am going to bed early tonight." It was still early and I knew he was lying. I gave him a call and asked him to just be honest and he told me that he is having his GIRLFRIEND over tonight. Like, WHAT??? Did he say girlfriend?? I was in such shock that I was literally shaking. He had never even mentioned another girl before, and we had slept together just last week, AND went to watch baseball and fireworks only three days before. He told me that they had been dating for 6 weeks, and just recently made it "official." He and I have been spending time together that whole time (not to mention how many times we've been intimate). He made me believe that I was the ONLY woman in his life, and all the sudden has another ****ing girlfriend!?! And I'm willing to bet she doesn't know that I've still been in the picture the entire time they've been "dating".

 

What's the absolute WORST is all of the things he has told me about her since I found out. Yesterday, he told me that she is "perfect" for him in every way, and that she has already met his family! (that stung so bad because I was very close with his family & his little sister ) He stopped inviting me to family functions last year, or introduce me to any of his new friends which really hurt. He said that she is his FUTURE, and even said that we can still "be friends." Ha! I've put up with all of his bull**** for the past almost 5 years, done SO much for him and have made so many sacrifices for him, yet he treated me terribly and refused to call me his girlfriend for the past year (while still acting like we're a couple), but yet is just handing this random girl EVERYTHING I have wanted and worked for, when she hasn't done anything for him in the way I have. He's falling for her fast just like he did with me, but she doesn't know for awful he can be. She doesn't know all of his issues, and I know that he's putting on his best face for her and treating her well just like he did with me in the beginning. But I am seriously praying that she will see that dark side of him that I've tolerated for years and realize that he's not the charming man he seems to be. I can't believe I have been replaced. And not only that, but she who is replacing me is getting a WAY better version of him, and is actually getting ALL of him -which he stopped giving me a long time ago, plus the "girlfriend" title which I've been desperately wanting to have again since he took it away last year. What happened to being afraid of attachment and being "emotionally damaged"? Why is he being so vulnerable with this new girl and so willing to commit to her but not to the girl who has been by his side for almost 5 years? Is she really so much better? I never thought he'd actually move on so fast. I mean, just a month ago, he was saying he was 80% sure he was going to marry me and that he knows I'm the love of his life. Now all the sudden his entire heart goes to this new girl he's only known for a short time? I don't know anything about her. I've never seen her before, don't even know her name, and she's nowhere to be found on his Facebook. Part of me wants to find out who she is and let her know what she is getting herself into and what kind of a man he REALLY is, and that we've been sleeping together too, but I know I shouldn't. He doesn't ****ing deserve love after what he's put me through, I deserve love. But of course, he's the one who gets it and I'm just stuck here abandoned and alone with a broken heart. When will Karma finally catch onto him???

[Donesharing]

He sounds like a sociopath. He will do to her what he did to you. He is wasting your time and your young years. I know I still make a lot of relationship mistakes, but I can tell you, I survived many breakups that I thought I wouldn't survive. After I sit back long enough and pay attention, the guy I was crying over is doing to the next person exactly what he did to me. My ex fiance was an alcoholic, and he had that kind of a personality. There is something wrong with him and you need to see that. He will allow you to waste the rest of your 20's with him being this ping-pong in your life. Put yourself first. 80% sure he will marry you? That is the lamest thing he could say. Seriously? I would feel like, "gee thanks I feel so special."

 

Hang in there.

[jellybean89]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

 

You have hung onto him 3+ years too long.

 

Let him go. Quit talking to him. Stop allowing him to treat you poorly. He says he's moved on - believe him.

 

I know it hurts, but it's over. Grieve it. Be sad. But stop communicating with him. Stop letting him hurt you with his words and treatment of you. Don't try to "find" her. Block him from FB so you aren't tempted to cyber stalk him.

 

Let him go.

[Raena]

This sounds like it's your first real relationship and your first heartbreak... and oh what a doozy it is. He's a complete (insert any vile name here you like).

 

When you look back on this when you are older you'll realize that when he "took away the girlfriend title" a full year ago, that was your clue to give him the boot. You didn't deserve to be kept hanging on while he waited until he found some new victim to bestow his craziness on. He kept you hanging around and you fell for it. It's ok, we've all made mistakes before... especially when it comes to love.

 

But don't let this dimwit hurt you anymore. Be happy that you are free now to go find those other men who are much nicer, kinder, more successful and less emotionally damaged. Use this as a learning experience. Now you know what NOT to do. Don't ever let a boy keep you hanging around waiting for the next little tidbit he has to offer. Wait for the MAN who will be willing to be there for you consistently and respects who you are as a woman.

 

Good luck to ya... you can do this... wash your hands of this turd who isn't worth your time. Get him out of your life completely and don't bother trying to tell his new victim what's going on. It isn't worth your time to bother getting involved in that. She'll figure it out soon enough and probably wouldn't listen to you anyway.

[Quiet Storm]

When you accept things you shouldn't, such as him treating you terribly and kicking you out of his place when you are drunk, it sends the message that you don't value yourself. When you continue to see him after that, he doesn't think "wow, this girl is awesome she really loves me". He thinks "I can be a total dick to her and she still wants me".

 

You tolerated so much from him and want to be appreciated, but he thinks someone that would put up with all that is unworthy. Your worth, though, is not dependent on his opinion of you.

 

He is a complete jerk, and he should never treat a person like he has treated you. But it's also your responsibility as an adult to protect yourself from people like him. You keep touching the stove, no matter how many times you get burned. You see your hurt and pain as proof of your love for him, but he does not value that. In fact, your tolerance and acceptance cause him to devalue you. So he won't ever be thankful or appreciative, he will just continue to take advantage and exploit your weaknesses. It sucks that there are people this mean in the world, but they are out there and its up to us to stay away.

 

You need to distance yourself immediately. He does not have your best interests at heart. YOU need to have your best interests in mind, and protect your heart. Care for yourself. You are worth it. You deserve so much better than the way this guy treats you. You've been with him a long time and you two are in this dysfunctional dance, where you keep forgiving the unforgivable. It's time to end it for good and move on. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Do not waste your precious youth going back & forth with him. Please do not get pregnant by him. It will be hard but you have to move forward and let him go. You will be OK.

[jellybean89]

Quiet Storm is very wise.

[Raena]

Quiet Storm is very wise.

 

Agreed... very good advice and an excellent explanation of what was probably going on in his head for the past year or so.

[Pinklotus]

You were in an abusive relationship. And now you are not. Thank goodness for that. I agree, he sounds like a sociopath. He's going to do to her and others what he did to you. Heal yourself and find out why you were willing to accept such horrible treatment. There is someone out there for you who will treat you right!