So I'm the other women....I feel lost

[Abigale]

Sorry if this is long, I feel like I need to get everything off my chest.

 

Where to start, a bit of back ground.. I'm 24, I work as a barmaid/waitress at a pub. There's this group of guys who come in twice a week, in that time I've got to know them pretty well, I give them a little extra attention, they tip well. One of them was (well is) ridiculously gorgeous, my fantasy gorgeous - 6"2, well built, thick dark hair, copper skin, baby blue eyes and the biggest grin I've ever seen on anyone - like a cheeky school boy...he's got that kind of I'm-confident-because-I-know-im-smoking-hot-but-im-also-kinda-awkward-about-it thing going on... basically the key is this guy melts me, he always has from the first time we met. BUT he was off the table, 29, married, with twin boys of 7.

 

That said, like I say I got to know these guys, had good banter with them, flirted a little with them. Not seriously but in that playful/makes everyone laugh and my shift go quicker kind of way. That was as far as I ever intended for it to go!! Though I was crushing on him hard, my friends could tell even if he couldn't, she used to tease me for my supposed dopey smile after id been serving them.

 

 

Then, he came back late one night when we were locking up to search the carpark for his house keys, I helped him look as I have to wait half an hour after my shift for my bus anyway. We found them, he asked me where I lived (turns out only like a couple of mins drive out of his way on his route home). I was nervous at first but we got to talking and we had loads in common and it was easy.

I think that's where it started. He gave me a lift maybe once a weekish, when we were leaving at similar times. As friends - nothing sinister but we got to know each other better, I told him about my cat, my*career plans, he told me about his kids, his time in the RAF. One time he was uncharacteristically serious when I pressed he eventually told me his marriage wasn't the happy family everyone thought it was, explained he loves his wife (high school sweethearts) but she suffers with bipolar and how he tries to hold the family together and keep everything normal for the boys but that its been bad recently and the boys have been upset.. I don't think he likes to talk about it to people much but he said she sometimes secretly*stops taking the tablets and then they have pretty bad times. I felt bad for all of them.. as it happens my mum suffered with mild depression when I was growing up so I have a small degree of understanding. On top of that one of his sons has aspergers so he has to try to keep life stable as possible to help his son. There's a lot of pressure on him, he started to vent to me.

 

One night he came in my flat on the way home, and one thing lead to another and that was it we had sex (best sex of my life for the record), he was super apologetic afterwards and said we should stay away from each other. Only a couple of weeks later I suffered some very sad news, which filtered back to him when he saw I wasn't at work, he came over and just held me all night while I like cried (not a very attractive sight) but after that we started seeing each other again and that's when the affair really begun...

 

​It's been about...7 months now, it's an utter mess. I love him. I'm totally completely head over heels in love with him. He says he feels trapped, says his wife wouldn't cope with the kids on her own but that he couldn't take them away from her...he talks about the present her, and the her from the past when they first married as two totally seperate people, I think that's how he sees it.

 

 

Then Saturday I went to a wedding I didn't realise he'd be at, with his family. When he saw me he just gave me this sad little smile, I had to pretend to the friend I was with I was Ill, seeing him dancing with her, laughing with her, it made me feel sick. He was running round with his kids (eventually all the kids) and I can't even describe, my stomach felt like it was literally churning in my throat. I got home and just cried my eyes out.

 

I feel like an idiot what they hell did I expect!!! I always knew what we were doing, but i never felt like the 'other women' before that night.

I feel like the worst person in the entire world....but I love him all the same, what do I do now!? I dont want to stop seeing him but I hate myself for that! When he's there I forget about the outside world it's just me and him and he makes me laugh and feel special and safe.

[whichwayisup]

He led you to believe his wife was a mess, unable to be on her own and made it seem like she's a different person than who she used to be. The thing is, as you know now, MM lie! And yours has skillfully lied to you to make it seem like he's in a miserable marriage. You got a good taste of him "living life" with his wife and children.

 

I'm sure it did hurt to see them together, looking happy and being a family.

 

He isn't yours, yes he's offered himself up to you but only in an affair setting.

 

You deserve to have a (single) man all to yourself, so please, for your own sanity, your heart and self respect, end your affair and grieve the loss. He's not ever going to leave his wife and kids, divorce and start over with you. This is a man who is selfish and wants to have you on the side and then continue being married.

[adna89]

Whoah...well rule nr 1 is never believe him 100%,he might be with 7 others as well.And telling them similar stories

 

chances of him leaving his wife for you are 1%...99% you will end up hurt

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Things like that happen, whether you want it to or not.

 

My LDR would have done the same with me, but knows she has her family, and would know after sex her life would be a mess. After all, if she was able to be face to face with me, that would be enough to break away from her husband.

 

Obviously he does not feel the same. All I can say is he has chosen his life over you. To accept what he had with you as a fling. As to believe anything more out of it, will just eat you alive.

 

I know it will be hard to look him in the face. Maybe taking time away should be best for you if it is possible. You don't need to see him at work, and if you must work, tell him you do not want to see him step in where you work while you're working.

 

Be strong, and allow your feelings to be released, crying til there is nothing to cry for. It will allow you to grow new wings, just believe you will get passed this in due time.

Edited September 19, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[2sunny]

So he lies and cheats. And while his incapable wife is home he's over at your place screwing around with you?

 

Stop allowing him to see you and don't speak with him ever again!

 

He's a user and a player.

 

Don't allow yourself to be used anymore.

[Abigale]

He led you to believe his wife was a mess, unable to be on her own and made it seem like she's a different person than who she used to be. The thing is, as you know now, MM lie! And yours has skillfully lied to you to make it seem like he's in a miserable marriage. You got a good taste of him "living life" with his wife and children.

 

 

I'm sure it did hurt to see them together, looking happy and being a family.

 

 

He isn't yours, yes he's offered himself up to you but only in an affair setting.

I don't know if he did it intentionally or what, he didn't lie as such, we have a few mutual friends dotted about and so I know it's no lie his wife's has struggled & has been into rehab a few times now. I guess like I was so thrown by seeing them together because I hadn't ever imagined them together in.. well, the good times, when she's on her med and everything's okay.

He let slip once early on that I reminded him of her back when they were young (and then preceded to talk himself out of the hole he'd just dug),I'd kind of forgotton that till I saw them together, that's when I could see it too. His exact words were "I miss her so much, I wish she could see that" God, the way he looked at her on Saturday, I felt like I don't come even anywhere close, I felt like a complete idiot.

 

 

He came over in the week, clearly knew I was going to be mad cause her brought his tool kit and told me he was going to fix my shower (I was the closest I've ever been to telling him to get lost but, this is going to sound stupid but, the shower really does need fixing and I cant afford to pay like £200+ on it, and I kind of felt like it was the least he could do). He soaked himself in the process, which was undeniably funny, and I cant keep up the silent treatment to save my life, so in the end we got to talking.

He said himself that as my friend he would tell me I deserved better, someone who could commit to be properly, but that obviously that wouldn't work out too well for him.

 

 

After a while he asked me what I wanted from him, if I was happy, or if he was making me miserable, and I found that I had no idea what to say, I don't know what the hell I expected he said right at the start before we ever slept together that he couldn't ever leave, that she couldn't cope by herself with the boys and that he couldn't ever take them away from her. He told me that. He told me how she waited for him when he was in the airforce, and looked after him & the boys when he got injured and that now it was his turn, his duty.

But as soon as he's with me I don't care, its me and him and the world can wait.

 

 

So he lies and cheats. And while his incapable wife is home he's over at your place screwing around with you?

Well this is actually the other element - I barely see him! Between my work, his work & his family, I don't get to see him very much at all. What ever else he is or isn't, he is without a doubt a great dad, he's always doing something with his kids at least 3 or 4 times a week he takes them windsurfing or cycling or climbing or quad biking or swimming or to play football or rugby or tennis, he's always doing something with them, and on top of that he coaches the local under 10's football team.

It did get to the point when I started to only see him maybe one evening a week. Now I meet him for windsurfing on the beach on a Sunday morning for a couple of hours so I tend to see at least twice a week but still its relatively hardly anything.

 

 

Plus the other factor is, sometimes he'll come over and not particularly want to do anything...sexual, he'll be perfectly happy cooking for me, watching a movie or playing like monopoly or risk or something. I don't think things would escalate most of the time if I didn't escalate them, on the times when I don't and literally just sit back and enjoy his company for a few hours that is genuinely all we do talk, eat, maybe watch something, and then he'll leave with us never having got more physical that a kiss & cuddle.

But I don't know, I've never ben in this kind of relationship dynamic so I don't know whether that's normal of not for, well an affair I guess! That seems so weird to say, its never felt like an affair, except for that Saturday.

[goodyblue]

When I was OW it was all about weighing the positives VS. Negatives and acting accordingly. I was in an affair for a little over the same amount of time as you before he left his (now) ex wife. If it had become too difficult for me I would have walked. I made sure I was getting what I needed from the relationship and if there came a time that I wasn't it would have been over.

 

My point is, are you getting what you need from the relationship? What is your final goal with him? Do you expect him to leave the marriage or are you ok with what is? TBH when the kids are young it doesn't't happen much. My guy left but we are older and his children are grown.

 

I will quietly say that you are quite young and my opinion is that you don't want to put yourself in such a difficult place. But it is up to you to decide. I hope you find peace in however things turn out.

 

Chin up.

Edited September 20, 2014 by goodyblue

[adna89]

So he openly said to you he misses his wife,and wishes she would become the person she was.You saw how he looks at her,obviously loves her

[goodyblue]

Love is not all one needs for a happy marriage. You can love someone til the cows come home but there certainly must be more than that to make a relationship work. Just as some have perfectly amicable marriages with lack of it.

[adna89]

Love is not all one needs for a happy marriage. You can love someone til the cows come home but there certainly must be more than that to make a relationship work. Just as some have perfectly amicable marriages with lack of it.

 

Yeah but in this case its not like he is not in love with his wife(which is something you want to hear if you are in an affair)..so basically he is telling her he loves his wife,wont leave the wife,will stay away from the affair if the other woman cant handle this...he says everything i would never want to hear if i was in the affair

Edited September 20, 2014 by adna89

[whichwayisup]

Love is not all one needs for a happy marriage. You can love someone til the cows come home but there certainly must be more than that to make a relationship work. Just as some have perfectly amicable marriages with lack of it.

 

Yup, you can't live on just love. What counts is all the other stuff, and the glue that binds a couple together. Their history, kids, extended family, the life built together. It's everything.

 

And, what he feels for you Abigale isn't enough to make him give everything up and start over again. He has his kids, does he want more? If he were to start over with you, would he want more children?

 

What he feels for his wife is love. sure his marriage at times hasn't been easy but is obligated to his wife and kids. She looked after him during his worst times, now it's his turn to look after her and support her during her rough times. He is a real sh.t though for cheating on her, I must say.

 

His exact words were "I miss her so much, I wish she could see that" God, the way he looked at her on Saturday, I felt like I don't come even anywhere close, I felt like a complete idiot.

 

End it. You can't compete, yet you've put yourself in a situation where you are competing for him..His attention, his time and his love. Sadly he will choose his wife over you if push comes to shove. If his wife finds out about you and the affair, you won't win this one.

 

I hope you are able to let go, see that you deserve so much more than what he's willing to offer you. Which really isn't much. Stolen time, and not that much of it.

 

Imagine 1 or 4 years from now, being his OW, as you get older and want a family of your own...You won't have one because of who you're having an A with.

[2sunny]

What do you want Ab?

 

You know he's not leaving his wife. How can we help YOU?

[MuddyRock]

So the man is cheating on his bi polar wife. What do you suppose will happen when the bi polar wife finds out about you?

 

Many a non bi polar wife has murdered the other women. Just a thought to have in your mind about the consequences you could be faced with. May not be that extreme but you will surely be in for a miserable ride.

[thekid36]

Sorry if this is long, I feel like I need to get everything off my chest.

 

Where to start, a bit of back ground.. I'm 24, I work as a barmaid/waitress at a pub. There's this group of guys who come in twice a week, in that time I've got to know them pretty well, I give them a little extra attention, they tip well. One of them was (well is) ridiculously gorgeous, my fantasy gorgeous - 6"2, well built, thick dark hair, copper skin, baby blue eyes and the biggest grin I've ever seen on anyone - like a cheeky school boy...he's got that kind of I'm-confident-because-I-know-im-smoking-hot-but-im-also-kinda-awkward-about-it thing going on... basically the key is this guy melts me, he always has from the first time we met. BUT he was off the table, 29, married, with twin boys of 7.

 

That said, like I say I got to know these guys, had good banter with them, flirted a little with them. Not seriously but in that playful/makes everyone laugh and my shift go quicker kind of way. That was as far as I ever intended for it to go!! Though I was crushing on him hard, my friends could tell even if he couldn't, she used to tease me for my supposed dopey smile after id been serving them.

 

 

Then, he came back late one night when we were locking up to search the carpark for his house keys, I helped him look as I have to wait half an hour after my shift for my bus anyway. We found them, he asked me where I lived (turns out only like a couple of mins drive out of his way on his route home). I was nervous at first but we got to talking and we had loads in common and it was easy.

I think that's where it started. He gave me a lift maybe once a weekish, when we were leaving at similar times. As friends - nothing sinister but we got to know each other better, I told him about my cat, my*career plans, he told me about his kids, his time in the RAF. One time he was uncharacteristically serious when I pressed he eventually told me his marriage wasn't the happy family everyone thought it was, explained he loves his wife (high school sweethearts) but she suffers with bipolar and how he tries to hold the family together and keep everything normal for the boys but that its been bad recently and the boys have been upset.. I don't think he likes to talk about it to people much but he said she sometimes secretly*stops taking the tablets and then they have pretty bad times. I felt bad for all of them.. as it happens my mum suffered with mild depression when I was growing up so I have a small degree of understanding. On top of that one of his sons has aspergers so he has to try to keep life stable as possible to help his son. There's a lot of pressure on him, he started to vent to me.

 

One night he came in my flat on the way home, and one thing lead to another and that was it we had sex (best sex of my life for the record), he was super apologetic afterwards and said we should stay away from each other. Only a couple of weeks later I suffered some very sad news, which filtered back to him when he saw I wasn't at work, he came over and just held me all night while I like cried (not a very attractive sight) but after that we started seeing each other again and that's when the affair really begun...

 

​It's been about...7 months now, it's an utter mess. I love him. I'm totally completely head over heels in love with him. He says he feels trapped, says his wife wouldn't cope with the kids on her own but that he couldn't take them away from her...he talks about the present her, and the her from the past when they first married as two totally seperate people, I think that's how he sees it.

 

 

Then Saturday I went to a wedding I didn't realise he'd be at, with his family. When he saw me he just gave me this sad little smile, I had to pretend to the friend I was with I was Ill, seeing him dancing with her, laughing with her, it made me feel sick. He was running round with his kids (eventually all the kids) and I can't even describe, my stomach felt like it was literally churning in my throat. I got home and just cried my eyes out.

 

I feel like an idiot what they hell did I expect!!! I always knew what we were doing, but i never felt like the 'other women' before that night.

I feel like the worst person in the entire world....but I love him all the same, what do I do now!? I dont want to stop seeing him but I hate myself for that! When he's there I forget about the outside world it's just me and him and he makes me laugh and feel special and safe.

 

 

We cannot always choose those who are loved. Hard to find even the right person. Let alone then one who is also available. The thing is that this man is not. Even as great he may actually be. Still has a family at home every night. Never should have had sex with you. Just made you most likely even more drawn to him. Since, sex is sort of emotional for many women.

 

 

You are likely to not ever get what is wanted with him. Not while he is with his other half. He will not be able to give you the kind of attention which is wanted and ultimately deserved. Thus, you will not be getting all of him in any possible way. Even though he may want to give that to you. Or, even though this is what you want as well. It makes me thus nervous that he may only spend time with you only when convenient for him. This all does not mean you cannot care. Just may not be best to get too involved right now is all.

[jellybean89]

So those times when he is with you, watching movies, cooking, etc..he should be with his kids! Sorry, he wins no dad of the year awards from me.

 

Let him go. Stop flirting with him, accepting rides home, etc. he's not yours and never will be. As long as you are involved with him, you will be his side girl. You are wasting your life pining after a MM.

[MuddyRock]

Sorry but he is not a great dad if he has an OW. Just the mere fact there is a chance he could rip their family apart with his actions (and OW is guilty of this too). When she finds out, these kids world will crumble. So no he is not a good father simply by doing this. His wife is Bipolar. She may be fine when medicated but what will happen when she finds out? Will she go completely unstable and go out with a bang bringing the kids with her?

This is a totally insane situation for this women to bring herself into. I hope when the BS finds out she doesn't do something awful to the OP.

 

That's if the wife even is bipolar. Because i wouldn't be surprised if she is completely normal.

[goodyblue]

I was OW once, yes. Not anymore. I am not saying what MM is doing is right but what I am saying is that just because he spends a few hours with OW does not equal child neglect. You will also note that I stated his emotional bond would probably do more damage as he is probably preoccupied with OW. Otoh, it is entirely possible things are great at home and everyone is perfectly happy, will never know a thing. Ever watch the movie Eulogy?

Edited September 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[herself]

I think its better it only costed you 7 months.

Try to think of your life before him. You were single, happy, carefree, probably dating and flirting with single guys.

I mean, even if he left are you ready to be a step mother to a disabled child?

Are you ready for emotional exhaustion of his divorce and custody battles and being looked upon as a homewrecker?

I know your a good person, I know you fell prey to an intense attraction but its not too late for you not to be drug through this anymore.

Find a new pub to work at, make a new start.

Go thru the pain of being done with him.

This is too much for you.

You mentioned his looks...truthfully it could even be infatuation and lust.

But if his wife is bipolar and depressed...look how hes handling it...out drinking with the guys and sleeping around. He isnt worthy of you.

7 months isn't as long as the years others have been in. You can be free and healed and learn from this and go forward.

[still_an_Angel]

He has laid his cards on the table OP, you know his position and his direction if push comes to shove, his W and family come first. What do you want out of this A? Do you love him so much that you can accept that what he can offer is not much? Tread very carefully, you already have a taste of how it is to be the OW, can you live like this? And for how long can you keep up?

[Abigale]

My point is, are you getting what you need from the relationship? What is your final goal with him? Do you expect him to leave the marriage or are you ok with what is? TBH when the kids are young it doesn't't happen much. My guy left but we are older and his children are grown.

 

I will quietly say that you are quite young and my opinion is that you don't want to put yourself in such a difficult place. But it is up to you to decide. I hope you find peace in however things turn out.

 

Chin up.

 

Ah, I dunno.. when I'm with him, its great - I love him, sounds pathetic but its true, but I'm not with him enough. Final goal.. pffft, I want him, him without all of this, him where we can go on proper dates and he can be my plus one at events and I don't have to bite my tongue and stop myself from telling my best friend what he said that cracked me up the night before. But that's heart talking, my head knows that's not the reality, he isn't single...and also*it turns my stomach a little to imagine being the reason a family split up, especial in their situation where its hardly straight forward.

 

I don't even know what I want anymore, I think that's why everything's such a mess. I think I'm just lost in this big state of limbo.

 

Yup, you can't live on just love. What counts is all the other stuff, and the glue that binds a couple together. Their history, kids, extended family, the life built together. It's everything.

 

And, what he feels for you Abigale isn't enough to make him give everything up and start over again. He has his kids, does he want more? If he were to start over with you, would he want more children?

 

What he feels for his wife is love. sure his marriage at times hasn't been easy but is obligated to his wife and kids. She looked after him during his worst times, now it's his turn to look after her and support her during her rough times. He is a real sh.t though for cheating on her, I must say.

 

End it. You can't compete, yet you've put yourself in a situation where you are competing for him..His attention, his time and his love. Sadly he will choose his wife over you if push comes to shove. If his wife finds out about you and the affair, you won't win this one.

 

I hope you are able to let go, see that you deserve so much more than what he's willing to offer you. Which really isn't much. Stolen time, and not that much of it.

 

Imagine 1 or 4 years from now, being his OW, as you get older and want a family of your own...You won't have one because of who you're having an A with.

Yeah that's all true, I know it is.. I can see it clearly when I'm not with him but as soon as he's stood infront of me I just crumble.

I hate what I'm doing, I don't want to be a homewrecker but I really love him.. He has a way of always doing just enough whenever I almost lose faith in him he does something that shows he does care.

But not going to lie sometimes I have no idea how he even sees me, he came over a few weeks ago made dinner and then spent the most of dinner talking about the school telling him his son with Aspergers had been having a few problems and now he has to make xyz decision, but he doesn't knowif it's right tell his wife the whole extent cause he thinks that might be too much worry and pressure for her right now and shes just back on track, but he doesn't know what to do etc etc and afterwards I actually started thinking I'm not even sure he wants an affair whatsoever, I think maybe he just wants a friend to talk to - but I know that I can't be that for him! I like him too much, I can't put myself in that position of being 'just mates'.

 

Many a non bi polar wife has murdered the other women. Just a thought to have in your mind about the consequences you could be faced with.

Yep, I'll give that some consideration when tonight when I'm living in bed at 2am and hear a noise in the kitchen!

 

Sorry but he is not a great dad if he has an OW.

Whatever else he is or isn't, he's a fab dad! He'd do anything for them, I believe that without a doubt.

That's if the wife even is bipolar. Because i wouldn't be surprised if she is completely normal.

This is something I know as a fact through random mutual friends.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Honestly, it sounds like there are a lot of factors at play here...

 

When our affair started, we were both pretty clear that there would be nothing that came from it. Nobody would leave anybody, we had obligations to our partners, he had obligations to his son... We just couldn't leave. Then it kind of evolved into me wanting to leave my husband and planning my escape, but not because of the man I was having the affair with. Then he wanted to go and felt he couldn't, tried to leave and got sucked back in, etc etc.

 

Maybe he's resolved in staying. Maybe he's now thinking about if it's feasible to leave. Maybe the setup now with his obligations in one camp and the relationship he wished he had in the other is what he likes. Just like your emotions evolved, maybe his are too and he's trying to figure out what he wants. Some of the questions he's asking seem like that's what he's turning over mentally. Maybe it's something to talk about, but with the understanding that the emotions flux and change and this all may change. It's normal.

 

Seeing him with his wife and kids is undeniably hard, and I know it was hard for me too. It took a long time for me to realize that there's that public face that everybody sees at the wedding or in public, it's not the face that he sees all the time and isn't the face of the marriage necessarily. And how great he is with his kids has nothing to do with him and his feelings for you or even his feelings for his wife. It's about his love for his kids. Honestly, if he wasn't like that with his kids despite the affair, then I suspect you'd have asked more questions of him and the type of guy he is.

 

Like I said, it took me awhile to understand that there's what we see, what the wife sees, what the public sees, then the reality. In public, my AP was Mr happy-go-lucky, friendly with everybody, always laughing, willing to help anybody with anything, devoted to his kids, attentive to his wife. In private, he was abused, battered, finding out his wife was stealing money, destroying his credit, and was resorting to manipulation, lies, and violence to extract what she wanted from everybody around her.

 

The funny thing was, I was so wrapped up in the wondering if the public them was the real them, he was convinced that when the truth came out he'd be ruined, but the fact was when it did come out, everybody around him that he thought bought into their "happy married life" show wasn't asking "how could he do that?" They were saying "we're surprised you lasted as long as you did."

[herself]

Im so sorry it got so deep and complex but maybe you were supposed to run into him at the wedding for your eyes to be open.

His sad eyes to you that night were saying this is who I am...this is my family and my life.

Its not complicated to just go. Please get out.

It gets harder from here and I just dont want you living with regret.

Hes hurting 4 people now...5 if you count him too.

Im not saying its easy to leave the one you love but I don't see your choice?

When he ends it later you will wish you did.

You can make a fresh start its going to be ok.

I hope you can do this for you.

Think of a white dress and veil, a honeymoon and vacations family kids holidays.

You will never get this with him.

You could date a sweet nice man and have a full life still.

Either way please put you first and really think it through.

Sincerely best wishes.

[MuddyRock]

 

Whatever else he is or isn't, he's a fab dad! He'd do anything for them, I believe that without a doubt.

 

.

 

No he wouldn't do anything for them. He is selfishly putting life as they know it at risk by cheating on their mother. You can justify it by him being a Disney dad and taking them everywhere. What kids need is stability not being showy. The stability is in huge danger. And by having a bipolar mother he very well could be putting their lives at risk if she finds off and goes off the deep end. Sorry.

 

And FYI in sickness and in health counts mental instability. And you saw just how happy he is, he is lying to you. He is a common cake eater. I bet you don't even know the real him. You probably wouldn't like it, much less "love" him.

Edited September 20, 2014 by MuddyRock

[Abigale]

Maybe he's resolved in staying. Maybe he's now thinking about if it's feasible to leave. Maybe the setup now with his obligations in one camp and the relationship he wished he had in the other is what he likes. Just like your emotions evolved, maybe his are too and he's trying to figure out what he wants. Some of the questions he's asking seem like that's what he's turning over mentally. Maybe it's something to talk about, but with the understanding that the emotions flux and change and this all may change. It's normal.

I don't know what he wants. I'm not even totally sure I know what I do or don't want anymore. One moment I think we've run our course and then the next I can also glimpse a future.

 

Seeing him with his wife and kids is undeniably hard, and I know it was hard for me too. It took a long time for me to realize that there's that public face that everybody sees at the wedding or in public, it's not the face that he sees all the time and isn't the face of the marriage necessarily. And how great he is with his kids has nothing to do with him and his feelings for you or even his feelings for his wife. It's about his love for his kids. Honestly, if he wasn't like that with his kids despite the affair, then I suspect you'd have asked more questions of him and the type of guy he is.

 

Like I said, it took me awhile to understand that there's what we see, what the wife sees, what the public sees, then the reality. In public, my AP was Mr happy-go-lucky, friendly with everybody, always laughing, willing to help anybody with anything, devoted to his kids, attentive to his wife. In private, he was abused, battered, finding out his wife was stealing money, destroying his credit, and was resorting to manipulation, lies, and violence to extract what she wanted from everybody around her.

This is absolutely my Guy! He's always so upbeat & outgoing, normally holding court in a crowd and never without a massive grin. I know people think they're the perfect family..well at least a family who've been dealt a hard hand and are getting by and doing with a smile. Sometimes, well most of the time, that's the version of him I get too, but sometimes he just wants to talk. He's never ever run his wife down to me, if anything he bigs her up.

I still remember sitting on the beach a month or so ago and him telling me like "People told be I was brave when I went in the forces but its easy to be brave when you know someones got your back etc etc, she was always the strong one, she was the one who held us together pulled us through etc etc, I'm trying to hold it together now, but im not as strong as her, its all slipping out my hands, I need her etc etc" I remember him looking at me and saying "I cant do it without her, why cant she see how much I need her" and he was genuinely choked up. I said to him then like that that's all understandable but then what are we (though obviously I said it nicer than that) and he instantly switched back to normal and was all 'Whatever you want Abby, I loved today, blah blah blah'.

At the time I was so caught up in it, but when I look back at what 'today' was it was having a laugh windsurfing followed by talking about how he felt about his marriage - It makes me think he doesn't feel like I do, it makes me wonder if he wants a 'friend' more than a 'girlfriend' and with a clear head I know that's not me, I cant be his friend, I like him too much for one thing, and there's too much chemistry between us. And I can see that having an affair when I love him and whatever he feels for me he also clearly loves his wife and family, isn't a recipe for a happy ending. But then when I'm with him.. all the doubt fades and I'm like well i'll just do this or we'll just do that and I never end it..

I feel like i'm rambling now, sorry

 

 

Im so sorry it got so deep and complex but maybe you were supposed to run into him at the wedding for your eyes to be open.

His sad eyes to you that night were saying this is who I am...this is my family and my life.

Its not complicated to just go. Please get out.

It gets harder from here and I just dont want you living with regret.

Hes hurting 4 people now...5 if you count him too.

Im not saying its easy to leave the one you love but I don't see your choice?

When he ends it later you will wish you did.

You can make a fresh start its going to be ok.

I hope you can do this for you.

Think of a white dress and veil, a honeymoon and vacations family kids holidays.

You will never get this with him.

You could date a sweet nice man and have a full life still.

Either way please put you first and really think it through.

Sincerely best wishes.

Thank you. I know your right, deep down I know all of that is right. I think we're both hurting 5 people tbh and that was never what I wanted. I just trying to find it in me to do cause I will miss him..

[thekid36]

I don't know what he wants. I'm not even totally sure I know what I do or don't want anymore. One moment I think we've run our course and then the next I can also glimpse a future.

 

 

This is absolutely my Guy! He's always so upbeat & outgoing, normally holding court in a crowd and never without a massive grin. I know people think they're the perfect family..well at least a family who've been dealt a hard hand and are getting by and doing with a smile. Sometimes, well most of the time, that's the version of him I get too, but sometimes he just wants to talk. He's never ever run his wife down to me, if anything he bigs her up.

I still remember sitting on the beach a month or so ago and him telling me like "People told be I was brave when I went in the forces but its easy to be brave when you know someones got your back etc etc, she was always the strong one, she was the one who held us together pulled us through etc etc, I'm trying to hold it together now, but im not as strong as her, its all slipping out my hands, I need her etc etc" I remember him looking at me and saying "I cant do it without her, why cant she see how much I need her" and he was genuinely choked up. I said to him then like that that's all understandable but then what are we (though obviously I said it nicer than that) and he instantly switched back to normal and was all 'Whatever you want Abby, I loved today, blah blah blah'.

At the time I was so caught up in it, but when I look back at what 'today' was it was having a laugh windsurfing followed by talking about how he felt about his marriage - It makes me think he doesn't feel like I do, it makes me wonder if he wants a 'friend' more than a 'girlfriend' and with a clear head I know that's not me, I cant be his friend, I like him too much for one thing, and there's too much chemistry between us. And I can see that having an affair when I love him and whatever he feels for me he also clearly loves his wife and family, isn't a recipe for a happy ending. But then when I'm with him.. all the doubt fades and I'm like well i'll just do this or we'll just do that and I never end it..

I feel like i'm rambling now, sorry

 

 

 

Thank you. I know your right, deep down I know all of that is right. I think we're both hurting 5 people tbh and that was never what I wanted. I just trying to find it in me to do cause I will miss him..

 

 

Even though you did not really reply to my last post, I still will try to respond in a helpful way here. Just the fact that you say this is "your guy" really worries me. Because, this is not your man at all. You are living within a fantasy. Never going to get what you ultimately want. He is being nothing other than selfish every single time he talks with you. Has a family he is still with. Let him decide to leave them if he really has the desire putting your needs first. Whether or not he is a good guy or not. Even if he does decide to stay for the kids. You deserve someone who will give you his full attention. Not a person who is not even available. Cannot sacrifice your own deserved happiness just because of the unfortunate situation of someone else.