Best way to act?

[Toodaloo]

I have fallen for a separated man.

 

Not slept with him but we were intimate a while ago and we were becoming emotionally attached. Things got crazy with his work and his wife was giving him hell, he wanted time out from me.

 

I have given him this we have been in contact briefly every 10-14 days or so via text but not to speak about our "thing" whatever it is. I have kept it as neutral as I can while trying to remain supportive.

 

I see his daughter regularly and she is a real gossip so I know that she will have told him everything and he will know what I have been up to. I have made a point of being very neutral and not speaking much about her father/ parents separation apart from to listen and tell her to let them sort things out for themselves. I have supported her mothers "punishment" when I felt it was over the top and out of context and supported both of their decisions when ever his daughter has had a moan about either of them.

 

The whole no contact thing has been killing me.

 

Work has now calmed down for him and he is getting back to "regular" hours again. So he will be coming back to help at the charity thing where we met. If not tonight then within the next couple of weeks.

 

I am thrilled that I will be seeing him again. I can't wait. We spoke on the phone and chatted about every day stuff (not "us"). Butterflies were in my stomach and I felt a surge of happiness. I have been alright and getting on while he has been quiet but I have missed him.

 

It is normal for his line of work for it to be frantic during the summer so its not abnormal for him/ folk in that line of work to go quiet (anyone working those hours would be shattered). So the whole going quiet and having time out could be because of that. He told me that it was because his head was a mess. So I am trying to take that at face value and not read into it.

 

I am worried however that during that time he may have decided to get back together with his wife. She has behaved in very peculiar ways (sauntering around naked in front of him and being nasty when he has gone over to look after the kids when she goes out etc. They have not had any physical contact as far as I am aware though and he is still living separately). So God only knows what has happened in the last few weeks.

 

I do not want to chase a married man who is not intent on divorce (while we were close he was gearing up for it and had plans to start the process as soon as the busy period at work was over, which is around about now).

 

I do not want to be the "other woman" (sorry ladies/ gents but I just can't and he would not be happy with that either).

 

So I am thrilled and also terrified. I feel excited and at the same time a deep dread... I simply do not know if now it is coming to it if he is still going to go through with it.

 

This will not be the best of times to discuss anything as its very public and his daughter will be there. So how do I react?

 

Does anyone have a mantra for this situation that I can chant in my head to keep me on the right path and not making a fool of myself???

[anika99]

He doesn't sound separated enough to me. Still fighting with his wife means he hasn't left that relationship behind yet. Even if he does start the divorce he needs time on his own to grieve the marriage and enjoy some single life. Newly separated men are poor relationship prospects in my opinion. They like having a woman nearby to be their soft spot to land but once they recover then they often want their freedom. Their rebound relationship sometimes just becomes a reminder of an unhappy time in their life and they want to move on.

 

 

If I were you I would give this guy a ton of space and not even think about having a relationship with him right now. You can continue to meet and date available men and if a year or two down the road this guy is divorced and seems to have his head on straight and if you're still single then you might have a chance of a healthy relationship with him. As for a mantra to recite in your head, I don't know. How about 'he's married, he's married, he's married.

[herself]

I'd let him initiate any contact whatsoever.

Let him come to you.

Id avoid speaking to his daughter.

He may see this as a way of getting/giving info.

Not saying you are doing anything wrong if shes approaching you but if it's meant to be,

you will want him to be with you without any help, prodding on your end.

Patience and lay low.

I filed for divorce many years ago. I was no longer in love 100% sure I was ready to be done and even then it was the hardest saddest time ever in my life.

So he will need time to sort himself before he can really think of you.

Your granting his request for time and space is earning you respect.

If he did chose his wife it will hurt but at least you will have closure and begin to detach and heal.

[Pinklotus]

I agree with both of the other posters. He's not free yet. The whole situation sounds messy. I would keep your distance until he's divorced, when or if that ever happens.

[jellybean89]

Why in the world are you talking to his daughter about anything?

 

He seems to have wanted a break from you --- to put distance there without out and out dumping you -- but you seem to have this entire relationship with him built up.

 

And FYI - a person can work and get a divorce. Happens all the time.

[DKT3]

When I divorced my wife I started a relationship with a wonderful woman. I wasn't honest with myself about my feelings for my ex wife thus I couldn't have been honest with her even if I thought I was. I broke her heart when I ended the relationship. That was after divorce. My point is, it would be smart to slow down and allow him to end a relationship fully before starting another. Even then it may not be over, and as much as I hate to say it you could be a rebound or "I'm scared to be alone" woman to transition him into the single life. Protect yourself. He may have no clue what he really wants for a couple years.

[Toodaloo]

Thanks Guys. Really good advice here and thank you for keeping me on track and a wee bit sane.

 

 

I speak to his daughter because we do stuff together and have been for years before all of this started. I have known the daughter and father for years through charity work we do but only met the mother and other children after. I was with the daughter last night and she told me that her Mum has told her to tell her Dad about her new man. I advised against and just said that the news is going to hurt him badly and that as it was her Mums decision, her Mum really should tell him. I once again advised her to keep what her Mum says away from her Dad and what her Dad says away from her Mum and let them sort out their divorce and not be their "go between". Her Dad tends to keep stuff on the quiet and if he has something to say, will say it direct, but her Mum asks her to tell him things. He does sometimes say things in the "heat of the moment" when he is upset or angry though. I have told her to just let these things go and not take them as an honest or true just an "off fire" reaction. Her Mum does purposefully wind him up to get a reaction. They all know it and they all know what she is doing. Including the Mum - she will actually say "I am going to wind him up" then do something nasty to get a reaction. I am not saying she is horrible, she doesn't know about anything that has happened and I intend to keep it that way until he wants to say something, I have worked really hard to keep neutral because some of the things she does are just beyond comprehension. After all he did love this woman at one point enough to marry her so she can't be (and I don't believe she is) all bad, but personally I find this to be really horrid behaviour.

 

 

This is not a situation where I can just go for "no contact" and be done with it. If I break all contact it would cause a lot of ramifications that would be bad for all involved. I don't mind him knowing what I am doing or up to. There is nothing for me to hide. It doesn't bother me if he finds out how I am through his daughter or through phoning/ texting.

 

 

Jellybean - the type of work he does has a season where he will work from 4-5am through until 11 -12 pm for a few months each year. Its just the way it is. My father and brother are both in the same profession and you just don't see them. Its a way of life. They don't stop longer than necessary to eat (5-10 minutes if they can get away with someone else getting a cup of tea and sandwich ready, if you take it to them they carry on regardless and eat on the go) and will only stop and go home to sleep. So I do completely understand why he wants to be able to have some time to think about his divorce and the best way for him to do it and get the advice he needs to deal with it properly. Its quieter now but he will still be starting at around 6-7am and finishing around 9-10pm. He will currently be exhausted, worn out and trying to fit everything in. When I spoke to him the other day he was practically on his knees through exhaustion. He hasn't had more than 2 days off in the last 3 months. Those who are not used to it, or haven't experienced it really have no clue of what is involved nor fully understand. Its why many people who have not grown up involved in the industry in some way can't cope or understand it. I also suspect its part of why his Wife wants rid. Even the wives and girlfriends who have grown up with it struggle with it. I will be honest - there is no romantic relationship but I would like one with him - IF he were available for that.

 

 

DKT3 I am worried about being a rebound and I think he is also worried that he may be using me as a rebound (we have discussed this and he has voiced his concerns because he really doesn't want to "use" me either knowingly or not). We both think very highly about each other and I suspect that your advice is probably the best so far and sounds as though it may be what is going on.

 

 

Thanks again guys.

[Poppy47]

EWWWW!!!! It's a great big mess. You probably should just walk away.

[jellybean89]

You aren't seeing it because you are too close to it...but the daughter will most likely hate you when she realizes you have a thing for her dad. She will think of you as a home wrecker - she confides things to you and yet she doesn't know that you are in an affair with her father.

 

So how does this MM have time to cultivate an affair with you, if he is working all these hours, yet he doesn't have time to decide if he wants to divorce his wife? How much younger are you than he is? Before you continue to think badly of his wife and how she handles THEIR marriage, realize you are not privy to what goes on in their home - no matter how much information you get out of the daughter. You do not know what the wife thinks about his job, you don't know what she thinks of her marriage and you do not know what her motivations are for what she does.

 

Why can't you step away from his daughter and quit hanging out with her? If it's charity work, shouldn't you all be more concentrated on doing the work instead of gossiping about her family? You say the mom allegedly tells the daughter things to repeat to the father; yet you do the same thing! Don't you see how hypocritical that is? They are MARRIED, not divorced. Until they are divorced, you should keep your distance and stop engaging in inappropriate activity since he is married and according to you, have NOT thought about divorcing his wife. Again, HUGE RED FLAG.

 

He needs to sort out his life - without you there waiting for him. You are chasing a MM - by telling his daughter all about your activities, knowing full well she is a gossip. Let him work on his life and get it squared away. Go about your life, date others (or not), but I wouldn't pin your hopes and dreams on a married man. Once his wife gets wind of you and him, your life will be blown apart. Are you ready for that?

[2sunny]

If you must get involved - wait until his divorce is final.

 

Keep all communication with him business only until then.

 

Your friend may find it odd that you're interested in her Dad...