Still think about him everyday!

[Star2880]

Been away from here for while trying to work hard on R. My husband has moved back in after 6 months seperation but as much as I am trying to R my depression deepens as I still can't move forward from exAp. The AP hasn't spoken to me since he left work ( 6mths ago). I still feel totally heartbroken about him, I still cry nearly everyday. I cry about what I have done to my H too but sadly I don't think about him half as much as I think about ExAp.

I have got my self back in to a downward spiral of looking to see if AP and wife are happy and staying together which then just triggers more depressive thoughts.

The only think that keeps me going is my daughter. I feel so alive when I am with her and deep down all I really want to do is be her mother, even if that means being on my own with her. But it breaks my husbands heart not to be with her, so we stay together. I am so lost after the affair. I would still take back AP in a heartbeat even after he has thrown me under the bus!

 

But I know that R is the way forward for my family.

Anyone else out there still emotionally fighting themselves daily after DDays?

[Poppy47]

Never had a D day. It takes a long time to stop the thoughts. You are human and were deeply involved with another person.

 

The way to do it is put time and distance between you. Eventually the thoughts will come less and less and your emotions die down.

 

Poppy

[anne1707]

I'm sorry but if you still have this level of emotion about the exOM then maybe reconciliation is not for you. You are forcing yourself and your husband into something that will not work as things stand. It is as good as continuing the affair because this is still an emotional betrayal even if you are NC.

 

You need to be absolutely honest with yourself in deciding what you want. If you are not 100% sure that it is your husband (and that does mean your family, home, etc but just your husband as the man you spend your life with) then this is not going to work. Seeing as you would take the exOM back, that says it all really. Leave your marriage so your husband can rebuild his life with someone who truly loves him. But also leave for yourself - you need to work on what is happening to you to make you feel this way still after 6 months. IC is definitely a place to start.

 

 

 

 

 

For info: I am a fWS who has managed to reconcile so I know how much it takes to get through that pain and also how crazy the emotions can be. I also know what my husband needed from me for him to agree to reconcile.

[Star2880]

Thank you Anne

I know what you are saying is right and I have been for IC two separate times. Both were immensely helpful at the time when Affair was happening and just after Dday. But feel like I should return to counselling. I do still love my husband but I don't feel in love with at all. But I can see how happy he is again after he is spending so much time with our daughter. He doesn't have any family over here so we are his family!

[A.Moscote]

Be careful with your emotions and feelings Star2880, don't let them be your masters and decide what your future should be. You have made a big mistake because you yield to them before, so perhaps now is the time to prove yourself, that you can be much better than the past. Buckle up and be optimist, use your rational mind and consciousness to fight and suppress those elements holding you from moving forward.

Wake up and realize how some of the things you said here (taking your AP back instantly, not 'in love' with your husband, etc) are very much emotionally-driven and would only reinforce your pessimism and worsen your depression.

 

Don't give up on the R before you have try to be 100% honest and open with your H. Bare it all out to him of how you really feel (your still strong feeling towards the AP, you heartbroken over the ending of it) and ask him to help you, and to be your real partner struggling through this hand in hand. Give it at least six months of complete transparency and openness with each other, especially in the matter of feelings and emotions, perhaps by then you could see the overall positive effect of it.

Of course all of this is on the presumption that both of you sincerely want to reconcile and committed not for any other reason than for each other. If not, then as anne1707 said, better prepare for the ending of this chapter of your life instead.

 

Anyway, don't beat yourself down just because you can't switch your feelings off instantly, it is not easy, instead let the progress be at your own slow pace (coupled with huge efforts and patience). Eventually, you will be able to accept things that you have to let go, and also at the same time, to embrace the challenge of reconciling, if you are still on it.

Believe yourself, trust your efforts, and never give up. Many members here have made it through (who can guide and encourage you), and many also, are now very happy past their affair. Good luck.

[Meretchen]

Been away from here for while trying to work hard on R. My husband has moved back in after 6 months seperation but as much as I am trying to R my depression deepens as I still can't move forward from exAp. The AP hasn't spoken to me since he left work ( 6mths ago). I still feel totally heartbroken about him, I still cry nearly everyday. I cry about what I have done to my H too but sadly I don't think about him half as much as I think about ExAp.

I have got my self back in to a downward spiral of looking to see if AP and wife are happy and staying together which then just triggers more depressive thoughts.

The only think that keeps me going is my daughter. I feel so alive when I am with her and deep down all I really want to do is be her mother, even if that means being on my own with her. But it breaks my husbands heart not to be with her, so we stay together. I am so lost after the affair. I would still take back AP in a heartbeat even after he has thrown me under the bus!

 

But I know that R is the way forward for my family.

Anyone else out there still emotionally fighting themselves daily after DDays?

 

Try to - this is very hard, I know - to remove focus from AP and his wife and put the focus back to you and your wellbeing. AP is making you unhappy and miserable. Remember, he was the one to walk away, and why would you want to be with a person who does not want to stay with you? Try to think of this as the best thing that could have happened (it is so hard, I know). There is no better place to be right now than being you and enjoy your time with your precious daughter - who cares about AP, do not care about him. Please, he is not worth your thoughts.

[bambiwboone]

Been away from here for while trying to work hard on R. My husband has moved back in after 6 months seperation but as much as I am trying to R my depression deepens as I still can't move forward from exAp. The AP hasn't spoken to me since he left work ( 6mths ago). I still feel totally heartbroken about him, I still cry nearly everyday. I cry about what I have done to my H too but sadly I don't think about him half as much as I think about ExAp.

I have got my self back in to a downward spiral of looking to see if AP and wife are happy and staying together which then just triggers more depressive thoughts.

The only think that keeps me going is my daughter. I feel so alive when I am with her and deep down all I really want to do is be her mother, even if that means being on my own with her. But it breaks my husbands heart not to be with her, so we stay together. I am so lost after the affair. I would still take back AP in a heartbeat even after he has thrown me under the bus!

 

But I know that R is the way forward for my family.

Anyone else out there still emotionally fighting themselves daily after DDays?

 

 

Hello,

Yes. I am in almost an identical situation as you. I've had several Ddays with him. I am married as is he. He ended it ..he usually does. My heart is broken still. I should be happy my husband still wants to be with me and loves me dearly..but I am unsure if I can ever be 100% invested in our marriage again. Everything has changed and I don't know how to make it go back to the way it was again.

My MM was my best friend..we talked all day and as much as we could at night. Now he is gone....just gone. I have no way of communicating with him if I wanted to. If I did manage to find a way he would just erase my message and ignore me:( It's over this time I know...and I think that is why it hurts so terribly...along with the terrible things he said going through my mind over and over again....

[Bittersweetie]

I'm a fWS like Anne. It seems that you're continuing to invest your emotional energy into xOM rather than your H. By doing so, of course you are not going to move on from xOM...and of course you are not going to feel connected with your H.

 

Just after d-day, I found myself thinking about xOM all the time. I realized that I was doing so as an escape. My life was a mess, my H was in pain, all because of me. So instead of facing that, I thought about xOM. I realized that was not the way to move forward. I wasn't putting my energy in the right place.

 

So what I did was take it one day at a time...if I got the urge to check online, I told myself I'd do it tomorrow. I could be strong enough for a day. Also, every time I did start thinking of xOM, I'd think about my H's face on d-day. I'd think of the hurtful things xOM said to me. I'd think of my loss of self-respect and integrity. Soon, thinking of xOM was no longer ever remotely positive...and lessened.

 

It's not easy, but it is your choice. Like Anne said, you need to decide what you want and then make the choice that supports that decision.

 

Good luck.

[MayP]

why would you want to be with a person who does not want to stay with you?

 

who cares about AP, do not care about him. Please, he is not worth your thoughts.

 

just re-quoting those words that should rain down on my face. repeatedly.

[MayP]

Star: just want to comment something. for the first few times, I didn't 'consciously' sit and wait around for a beep in my cell (counting 7mths into long distance EA). I understand the reality of us slipping apart by nature- time and distance. Neither of us could fight nature. Certainly I miss him, think of him every day. My feelings get stirred up with a tiny spark whatsoever. However, I hope this is a good sign that I am letting grip of my fingers... it is still beautiful and always will be.

[NewHumbleMe]

The psychology of relationships and how hurt and pain can mess with us is beyond our perspective sometimes.

 

That we sometimes dig deeper down the black hole and that rejection no matter who it comes from can mess with our fragile egos and makes us miss something that was not even a good thing to start with. Maybe even your marriage or the affair that felt like a good idea for some aspect of your mind.

 

Gain some perspective. Basically the sooner you heal and get a grip on your self the sooner you can help support the ones around you to heal.

 

Its important to bash your self for stupid things, but whats most important is that you find out why you do them, if they are destructive and gives you no long term pleasure/happiness.

 

Both parties needs to have their breakdowns, forgiving is easy to say and agree upon, but in reality there are more steps than just asking for it and saying you giving it. So find out more about this process of forgiving.

The Book of Forgiving - Mpho Tutu - Hardcover

 

And all persons are different in handling betrayal, Some can forgive if they feel met, others will never forget and fully forgive if they cannot be separated from the person that did it.

 

If all else fail, you still have to forgive your self and dont beat your self up too hard about having such mixed emotions, try instead to figure them out and realize that you are on your own to fix it. And you need to meet a partner with compassion and be sure what you want.

 

All these things are very difficult and complex, with the ego being hurt and sometimes the need to hurt back, its so difficult to raise above a situation and be the bigger person all the times and looking at it from both situations its difficult for both persons to do the right thing.

 

Find out for your self why you needed an affair. What lead to it? Then go from there.

 

 

Anyway from what i understand you fell in love with the man you had an affair with and now you are more concerned with his happiness and how he fixes his marriage?

You need to get over that stuff, you need to realize you are in a catch 22, You are married and you had a affair with a other person that is married, So both of you are in the wrong forum. Married people stick together with their husbands/wife's not with someone else, that is for single people, or swingers.

 

Basically if you married and want an affair you tell your husband. Being open and honest and not lying is the foundation for trust, which is the cornerstone to a harmonious relaxed relationship where two people can go on with their life´s and doings without constantly having to be worried.

 

Now again take your time to get over this other person, or break up your marriage and then contact the other person and tell them you in love and want nobody else.

Or consider it an illusion, a fantasy, a sudden attraction with an expire date, Which basically most affairs are, And even if you develop something with your "lover" you will most probably mess that up too. If you don't conduct your self with love and respect for your self and others, that is being honest and true.

 

Who said it is easy to make a decision, But when you married you really should take decisions together. Agree upon things. And doing it from and intellectual point of view, not emotional. But basically being honest to your self about what the emotional consequences might be, Which comes from self insight.

Edited August 27, 2014 by NewHumbleMe

[Star2880]

Thanks for all the great replies.

I'm glad that hater got removed and their comments very quickly!

You are all right. I do invest too much time emotionally and negatively getting wrapped up thinking about him. I think I just still can't believe what happened and now that we are strangers!

I don't know! (Let's just take everything one day at a time - which is totally not me!)

[Star2880]

Be careful with your emotions and feelings Star2880, don't let them be your masters and decide what your future should be. You have made a big mistake because you yield to them before, so perhaps now is the time to prove yourself, that you can be much better than the past. Buckle up and be optimist, use your rational mind and consciousness to fight and suppress those elements holding you from moving forward.

Wake up and realize how some of the things you said here (taking your AP back instantly, not 'in love' with your husband, etc) are very much emotionally-driven and would only reinforce your pessimism and worsen your depression.

 

Don't give up on the R before you have try to be 100% honest and open with your H. Bare it all out to him of how you really feel (your still strong feeling towards the AP, you heartbroken over the ending of it) and ask him to help you, and to be your real partner struggling through this hand in hand. Give it at least six months of complete transparency and openness with each other, especially in the matter of feelings and emotions, perhaps by then you could see the overall positive effect of it.

Of course all of this is on the presumption that both of you sincerely want to reconcile and committed not for any other reason than for each other. If not, then as anne1707 said, better prepare for the ending of this chapter of your life instead.

 

Anyway, don't beat yourself down just because you can't switch your feelings off instantly, it is not easy, instead let the progress be at your own slow pace (coupled with huge efforts and patience). Eventually, you will be able to accept things that you have to let go, and also at the same time, to embrace the challenge of reconciling, if you are still on it.

Believe yourself, trust your efforts, and never give up. Many members here have made it through (who can guide and encourage you), and many also, are now very happy past their affair. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your sound advice.

I am very emotionally driven, but this is the worse I have ever been in my life! I am trying to manage my depression with outside help but some days it just utterly overwhelms me. I would never have seen myself in this emotional state previously - I am very strong character, always upbeat, like to keep others upbeat but this has just destroyed me emotionally! I feel so strange, like I've lost a part of me!

[Poppy47]

It's called grief. Any kind of loss brings grief to us, whether it was a legitimate relationship or the death of a loved pet.

It's being human,

Poppy

[nightmare01]

I'm a betrayed husband, but I'm not about to bash you for what you did or what you are doing.

 

I do think that you need to make a conscious choice about whether or not you want to be with your husband. As a BH (betrayed husband) I can tell you that one of our chief worries is that we are not - and will not be their number 1 choice even if we do reconcile. Think about it.. who wants to be number 2?

 

If your husband is number 2, then admit it. If you would rather be with your AP admit that too. Then choose.

 

Basically you are doing your husband no favors by staying with him as your back up plan. Maybe you really need to look at whether or not you want to be M at all?

 

Every minute you are vacillating over whether you love your BH more, or if you love your AP more, every minute of that time you are hurting your BH (and yourself as well).

 

So if you would rather be with your AP or someone other than your BH just GO.

 

I think to successfully recover your M you need to either be ALL IN or ALL OUT.

 

ETA:

I forgot to add.. IF you decide you want to reconcile there is a post in the infidelity forum you may find helpful.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[bestplayer]

Thank you for your sound advice.

I am very emotionally driven, but this is the worse I have ever been in my life! I am trying to manage my depression with outside help but some days it just utterly overwhelms me. I would never have seen myself in this emotional state previously - I am very strong character, always upbeat, like to keep others upbeat but this has just destroyed me emotionally! I feel so strange, like I've lost a part of me!

 

..I would still take back AP in a heartbeat....

 

Well , if after everything you still feel the way you do then your H needs to go.

You killed your M when you decided to give yourself to another man . You can't undo it . Face this truth & leave your H. Staying with H & dreaming about OM is unfair to everyone . Your H hasn't left you after affair , so it seems unlikely he would want to leave, not unusual for BSs. So you need to man up & end this forced relationship. Trust me every body will be better off .