from FWB to falling for each other - then EX comes back

[HarleyBrown2]

Hey All,

 

*Just incase you get confused with all the she's - I'm a lesbian*

 

I met a girl who had gotten out of a 6 year relationship with her fiance 2 months earlier. She's an amazing girl and had me from the get go. She was upfront about her break up, explained exactly what the situation was - in that her ex just left her, and she believed it was for another woman, who she suspected she had cheated on her with *no proof*.

 

The girl had a wicked outlook on life, saying there is too much to be happy about in life to worry and what ifs, and she just wanted to more on and have fun. We became friends with benefits, but it was always a bit more, we were soo close, physically and sexually, we went out, held hands, cuddle etc.

 

We were FWB for approx 2 months, not speaking about feelings and I was pretty closed, until one day she said that she likes me more than she should. This caused me a little alarm, as i was aware she was still in contact with her ex, as they joint own the house that the girl I'm seeing lives in. There are still pics of them around the house - I just dont want to get hurt - i've been hurt before, so i kept my feelings unsaid.

 

After sleeping together for 2 1/2 months, the girl called me upset saying she doesnt know what to do, her ex came round, asked if she was seeing anyone, to which she stated she was seeing me - at which point the ex broke down and said that she'd made the biggest mistake and wanted her back. The girl im seeing said she doesnt know what to do, she's so confused, she is happy with life and happy with me, and told her to leave, but doesnt know what to do.

 

I said i'd stand back and give her space, which left her gutted, stating she misses me already etc...although this proved too difficult and we couldn't stay apart, we met up and i told her exactly how i felt, which is that I really her and don't want her out of my life etc, to which she stated she felt the same, but she didn't know what to do and doesn't want to hurt me, or get hurt herself... we've seen each other approx 3 times in 10 days after this, every time it has been amazing, as always. The last time we met, she told me in bed 'I've fallen for you' to which i stated i felt the same. She then asked me if I was sleeping with anyone else, to which I said no. But since then she has gone quiet... I don't know what to do or how to sort this, I want to carry things on with the girl and see what happens, but I'm not willing to be someones side piece, nor would she be willing to string us both. I question this ex's motive, seeing as she only came back after 4 months, once she knew the girl was with me, and things probably went south with her new girl, as apparently they went on holiday together and it was 'boring'.

 

Anyway sorry for the super long story, just need some advice on what to do, i really like this girl, she's decent, doesn't play games and is just really lovely, I don't want to walk away, I want her, but don't know how this is going to end.

 

Thanks,

 

H x

[Standard-Fare]

That's a tough spot.

 

I really think you gotta hang back for a while and keep your emotions/expectations in check. You already know where you stand: You have feelings for this girl. It's up to her to figure out what she wants, and she'll need some time/space to do that.

 

However, if a situation continues where both you and the ex remain in the picture vying for this girl's affection, you'll need to stand up for yourself and get out. By this point it would be too painful for you to share her.

 

Fortunately you do make it sound like this girl is respectful, and wouldn't consider dragging along either you or her ex for too long. It seems like she know she's got to make a firm decision.

[54JA]

I think that there are several options as to how to approach the situation. Each option has pros and cons.

 

Option 1: Give her an ultimatum/it's me or her

Pros: You don't have to prolong your pain. It's quick. You make a stand.

Cons: If she chooses her ex, you might later wonder that if you had given her time, she may have chosen wisely (choose you!); If she chooses you, she may still stay in contact with her ex to resolve some issues. At this point, if you were to stick to your gun, you might have to dump her.

 

Option 2: Give her time to think with an acceptable deadline

Pros: You will be less likely to wonder later if she had enough time to sort her feelings out; There is a deadline, so you won't be in a perpetual state of suffering. You can expect to begin healing once the deadline arrives (in case it doesn't work out)

Cons: Unlike the last option (Option 3), you might still wonder what may have happened if you gave her more time (but to a lesser degree than option 1); You will suffer while waiting for her answer

 

Option 3: Go complete no contact/Give her and yourself the time to think (with no deadline)

Pros: If she chooses you, you can be more sure (but not definite) that she really wants you; gives you time to sort your feelings out; your girl will have to seriously face the possibility of losing you, thus will really feel how good she has it with you now

Cons: the longest and toughest choice (you will be suffering with no ending in sight); it is still not a guarantee;

 

I know I did not cover everything, but it's a starting point in figuring out the pros and cons in your approach. Let me know how things go! Good luck!

[HarleyBrown2]

Thank you so much for your reply... It has helped me massively and the options make perfect sense... although it's not what i want to do, I'm going to have to go with option 3. The way you broke down each option makes me realise if it was to work out and she decides she wants to be with me, the healthiest way for us to work in the long run, would be with no.3

 

I'll let you know how it goes,

 

Thanks, H x

[HarleyBrown2]

Thanks for your reply STANDARD-FARE

 

I totally agree with what you're saying, I know i will probably need to take the back seat and leave her to it... I need more and she's not in a place to give me that, I think i'll give her space for another week or 2... then it's time for me to walk away!

[54JA]

Please keep us posted on what happens! Good luck!

[HarleyBrown2]

Okay so I decided I couldn't wait in limbo any longer, so i just asked her flat out what the situation is with her and her ex.. she replied saying that she's still single, but she's been hanging out with her ex. She doesn't know if it will work out, but she still loves her and they have so much together so they're going to give it another go and they'll move back in together shortly...

I told her I was gutted but respect her decision and wish them both the best. She then asked if we could meet? to which i said I don't think theres much point as all that needed to be said has been said etc....

She then replied saying she'd like to see me and not leave it via text, that she still wants to be friends, but is gonna leave the ball in my court and to let her know if i want to meet up... to which i replied saying, 'I'm happy to meet, but don't want you to feel like you have to explain yourself or smooth things over, i agree text isn't ideal but it said what needed to be said. Of course it will work us being friends. x'

Dont really know how i feel atm, gutted about the situation, but it was an inevitable outcome, so will just crack on as friends....