OWAmy Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 I'm newly out of an affair (Day18 no contact). Now I'm not going to rush into dating, but it got me thinking... For those who were single OW did you ever disclose to a new partner that you had been involved in an affair? For me there was no DD I just initiated no contact and as far as I'm aware the only people who know about it is me and him. I don't think I would mention it. He can be left behind in the past. Unacknowledged. Just wondering what others have done. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) I'm newly out of an affair (Day18 no contact). Now I'm not going to rush into dating, but it got me thinking... For those who were single OW did you ever disclose to a new partner that you had been involved in an affair? For me there was no DD I just initiated no contact and as far as I'm aware the only people who know about it is me and him. I don't think I would mention it. He can be left behind in the past. Unacknowledged. Just wondering what others have done. This is the key, it over, and in the past, you ended it, if you have learned something, and truly left MM behind (no chance of contact), then I think you can avoid disclosing this in any casual or just normal dating relationship. Perhaps maybe until (if and when) you enter into a long term exclusive loving relationship with a man. At that point I think true love and commitment is letting someone know you completely - roses and thorns - before they make some sort of loving commitment to you. Edited July 5, 2014 by dichotomy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) If I ever find myself dating again, yes, I will once I get to know someone a bit. This relationship is part of me. I would feel dishonest not telling the details of it and despite it being a part of me that I'm not proud of, I do NOT want to begin a relationship with a part of my past being hidden/a lie. Edited July 5, 2014 by bentleychic 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Would you tell a new boyfriend about past boyfriends? Why wouldn't you tell about being in an affair? Shame? I would be honest with someone I was seeing about my past; doesn't mean I would announce past situations on a first date; but I would be honest and forthright in discussing past relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) I didn't go out of my way to announce it, but in getting to know each other and talking about our past relationships it came up. Haven't had any negative reactions...although he wasn't married so maybe that lessens the degree of "scandal" in some people's eyes. The A happened some time ago for me and wasn't my last relationship, so in this current relationship it hasn't been a prominent topic, I may have mentioned my exAP in passing and that I was involved with someone who was with someone else a few years ago, but didn't spend a lot of time on it. However, in my first relationship immediately after the A it of course was more pertinent and I would have had to go out of my way to hide that crucial aspect. Anyway...I want to be with someone who loves me warts and all and where they never have to hear stuff about me from other people or where I have to hide things. I should be able to be honest and have them accept me and if someone cannot do that...we're not a good match and it's fine because there is someone else who is. Edited July 6, 2014 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
sisa Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I might not tell my past regular relationship to my furure bf if he doesnt ask, but I will tell him I did involve in an affair. I and exMM don't have much mutual friends, only two. And the people knowing the affair only MM, his wife, my patents and I. So if exMM and his wife don't talk it out then i think nobody else would know this. The reason why I will tell my future bf, is because I think this is a way of the healthy relationship, he can knowing me is not perfect but still accept who I am. And it can also keep out MM from my life, because no more secret between exMM and me. I think talk openly will be good for long run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I don't think you need to be announcing this news to people you just start dating. You can talk about your relationship history without giving every gory detail. I think the bigger problem you need to work on is that you were able to internally accept this type of illicit relationship and just because you may get married you have been able to accept this and if your needs are not being met you are much more likely to turn to an affair, especially since you never got caught and never saw the destruction you have bee part of or. Could have her part of. Morally and sexually you were fine with it. A few words or vows will not erase your acceptance of a affair relationship. I would do some IC before you get into a serious relationship since the temptation will always be out there 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 This is the key, it over, and in the past, you ended it, if you have learned something, and truly left MM behind (no chance of contact), then I think you can avoid disclosing this in any casual or just normal dating relationship. Perhaps maybe until (if and when) you enter into a long term exclusive loving relationship with a man. At that point I think true love and commitment is letting someone know you completely - roses and thorns - before they make some sort of loving commitment to you. Yes. I have blocked him from contacting me and have refrained from contacting him, there was one occasion when I did think I wanted to send an 'add-on' to the final email but ladies on here helped me overcome the urge and I'm so glad I did. It is true no contact as I'm not checking up on any social media etc... I guess I do not want to be defined by the affair. I may only be on Day18 of no contact but I spent months and months asking myself the question why am I in this situation and wanting to remove myself it. In hindsight I would tell someone I wanted to commit to. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Would you tell a new boyfriend about past boyfriends? Why wouldn't you tell about being in an affair? Shame? I would be honest with someone I was seeing about my past; doesn't mean I would announce past situations on a first date; but I would be honest and forthright in discussing past relationships.[/ I deeply regret being involved in the affair. I struggle to come to terms with the reality of it as I see it now as total fantasy, the words etc have no value to me any more. If it is it real, it is it worth having, so not worth thinking about being that it was all just make believe. I am beginning to think that mentioning it in a relationship that is heading somewhere serious would be a necessity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 I might not tell my past regular relationship to my furure bf if he doesnt ask, but I will tell him I did involve in an affair. I and exMM don't have much mutual friends, only two. And the people knowing the affair only MM, his wife, my patents and I. So if exMM and his wife don't talk it out then i think nobody else would know this. The reason why I will tell my future bf, is because I think this is a way of the healthy relationship, he can knowing me is not perfect but still accept who I am. And it can also keep out MM from my life, because no more secret between exMM and me. I think talk openly will be good for long run. This above has done it for me! The secrecy element is such a large part especially in mine as there is only me and him that know about it. By telling someone I effectively destroy what kept us together - the unspoken trust that we would not tell others about us. Link to post Share on other sites
GreySkyMorning Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 This above has done it for me! The secrecy element is such a large part especially in mine as there is only me and him that know about it. By telling someone I effectively destroy what kept us together - the unspoken trust that we would not tell others about us. I'm in a serious relationship now and I told my boyfriend about it. It came up gradually at the building stages of the whole thing. Eventually, we just discussed it more in depth and now, he knows everything. Telling him everything took some of the magic away from it, if that makes sense. Hearing myself relate it back out loud to someone I really care about was a good way to see it for exactly what it was, not some fairy tale. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Morally and sexually you were fine with it. A few words or vows will not erase your acceptance of a affair relationship. That's a pretty big leap and assumption. I'm hugely morally against an affair. Have always been appalled by it. Still am, despite being involved in one. Marriage is and vows are huge to me. (Yes, I know that probably does make sense to some, but it definitely will to others.) Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I'm in a serious relationship now and I told my boyfriend about it. It came up gradually at the building stages of the whole thing. Eventually, we just discussed it more in depth and now, he knows everything. Telling him everything took some of the magic away from it, if that makes sense. Hearing myself relate it back out loud to someone I really care about was a good way to see it for exactly what it was, not some fairy tale. Thisss!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Thisss!!!! I would greatly appreciate if I were to get serious with someone again they would have the curtsey to allow me to make the decision whether or not I wanted to take a chance again with someone who was involved in an affair. Giving me that choice says they respect me enough to tell me the truth and allow me to choose and respect themselves enough to say they want to be with someone who chose them; past flaws and all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I've never understood why people feel the to divulge personal, private matters to people who are not involved with nor affected by those matters. Why would a future BF need to know and how would him having that info benefit him or you in any way, shape or form???? Seriously, how would him having that info benefit either of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWAmy Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 That's a pretty big leap and assumption. I'm hugely morally against an affair. Have always been appalled by it. Still am, despite being involved in one. Marriage is and vows are huge to me. (Yes, I know that probably does make sense to some, but it definitely will to others.) I am also against affairs. For me there is no justifiable reason to ever be involved in one. I am not of the opinion 'once a cheat, always a cheat'. I can categorically state that I would NEVER be involved in one again. I have learnt from my mistakes. Before the affair I had a happy 10yr relationship that was free from infidelity (as far as I know). Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I am also against affairs. For me there is no justifiable reason to ever be involved in one. I am not of the opinion 'once a cheat, always a cheat'. I can categorically state that I would NEVER be involved in one again. I have learnt from my mistakes. Before the affair I had a happy 10yr relationship that was free from infidelity (as far as I know). I had a very unhappy 17yr marriage, but never cheated, despite several offers, including that of MM several years before we actually started one. And no, I will NEVER do this again. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't, even though I love him and have enjoyed our relationship aside from the A aspect of it. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 What you've done in the privacy of your bedroom was between you, your MM and his wife. It's no one else's business. Telling a noninvolved third party about it is the equivalent of changing your underwear and then showing them the skid marks on what you just changed out of. It will only cause discomfort to both parties and will serve no benefit to either. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) I don’t wish take this on a side story.... but my now wife.... from the time of dating me ... to engagement...an until after marriage did not tell me about her long term relationship with MM or any of the other poor choices she had before me. It has been a disaster for our marriage for many reasons. 1) She could never be honest with me about who she was (but she could be honest with every other man she was with) 2) At that time she had no regrets over being a mistress or hiding there relationship from me (at least until we got MC years into out marriage for it) 3) She could not let go of MM fully - glue and all and continued to maintaining a hidden EA with him into our marriage until dDay. We have had some resolution in the past few years, but lingering associated problems remain with intimacy, sex and trust. It put our marriage on a rock start and unstable foundation. Honesty, putting things in the past and as one or two of you smart women said (shinning light on the issue/ and eliminating any fantasy) is very smart and wise. Yes – something like this that you were involved with a MM – you should disclose only when love and commitment is coming your way with a new man. It is not the act of being OW, but how your felt/feel about it, what your beliefs about commitments and relationships are NOW with this new man.... But this is not a conversation with anyone you just date. Best wishes to you OP. Edited July 7, 2014 by dichotomy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 17, 2014 Share Posted July 17, 2014 I'm hugely morally against an affair. Have always been appalled by it. Still am, despite being involved in one. Marriage is and vows are huge to me. (Yes, I know that probably does make sense to some, but it definitely will to others.) I really don't understand this reasoning at all - makes no sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Would you want to know if the person you were dating engaged in cheating previous relationships? Surprisingly, not everyone would, but I would. I would want the most honest information about someone's character before I invested time with them. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I really don't understand this reasoning at all - makes no sense to me. it just simply means that she knows that it's wrong, but continues to do it anyway. The rules only apply to other people, not her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wind willow Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I don't have any interest in dating now, but if I did in the future, of course I would tell a serious partner. I wouldn't do it because I feel it's something I have to disclose, but I think it would just come up as part of getting to know each other. For me, if it was something I felt I have to disclose, that would mean it's still something hanging over my head and I'm not ready for another relationship yet. Most people I'm close to know about the relationship. I'm an open book, so keeping part of my life secret would just be too stressful. Part of the reason I ended the relationship was because it was eating at me that I couldn't be open even with people who didn't know me all that well about whether I was dating someone. It would be too stressful for me to deliberately keep that from a partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wind willow Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 it just simply means that she knows that it's wrong, but continues to do it anyway. The rules only apply to other people, not her. Or that she believes that the person who makes the vows is the person responsible for keeping them and would feel very strongly about keeping her own vows if she took them. And that everyone isn't responsible for making sure everyone else sticks to their vows. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Well since I have a child with my exMM I do at some point have to be honest with any future partner. It is never something I discuss when I'm just dating someone casually or getting to know them (not because I'm ashamed but because it is mine and my family's private matter) however since my daughter's birth I have been in one semi-serious relationship, I'm still with this man and have been for the past year and he knows the story. I was a little worried that he might start looking at me a certain way (you know, the slutty mistress way) but he was very understanding and supportive. It's kind of a good test for a man - if he has any problem with it he obviously is not right for me or my life. Link to post Share on other sites
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