Rules for having an affair???

[IMsodumb]

So, I'm sitting here miffed once again.

 

Did I miss a memo or something? I feel as if I get punished/ignored when I am indignant with my married man. Is this "behavior" not allowed?! In my opinion, in order for any relationship (so to speak) to work, there needs to be communication. It seems that any time I "communicate" anything that doesn't have to do with talking dirty, regular small talk, or planning our next "date", he turns tail and goes silent!!!! I'm so tired of it. When the going gets tough.......

 

There's also a pattern of getting along REALLY well, he gets carried away, pledges his love etc and then disappears for a few days, then comes back and seems distant again. It's all so frustrating.

 

Is there a book of rules for having an affair? I have been doing this dance for 3 years now. How do you have a great time, then detach, then in love, then detached again?

[EnderA]

I am sure that there is, there are plenty of threads on the typical behaviors of the MM and they all follow the template, more or less. The real question is: once you see how little you are really going to get, why would you settle for that?

Edited July 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary

[OpenBook]

Is there a book of rules for having an affair?

 

No, but there's a book of rules for dealing with flaky, Push-Me-Pull-You men... and it boils down to one sentence: Don't put up with it!

[OWAmy]

Mine was like this. In the build up to seeing one another, lots of contact, messages etc...great time together, then distancing himself afterwards i.e. putting you back in his toy box.

 

Whereas I on the other hand was more connected for having seen him.

 

I put it down to this: he was more interesting in the fantasy element, whereas I was more interested in the realty, but then it never was real!

 

I was in my affair 3.5yrs. I went no contact 16 days ago. The hardest part for me was actually sending the email to initiate no contact. That took about 6 months from joining this site to do as I kept trying to get him to end it. No contact is not so bad at all. I'm glad that I was the one to initiate it.

 

Time to move on.

[MissBee]

Someone else has a thread about hot and cold....this is the same thing.

 

Emotionally unavailable people (of which most MM are given the situation) tend to behave in this way.

 

There isn't any "right way" for you to behave to stop it...except to stop pestering him and only be available for small talk, sex talk and date talk...i.e. at his convenience for what he wants. You're obviously not fine with that though.

 

That's just how it goes with emotionally unavailable people and conflict avoidant people. He's having an affair, he seems like the type looking for easy and once you start with real relationship stuff like disagreements, conflict and communicating about issues he punishes you as a way to manipulate you into stopping because he doesn't want to deal with that...he just wants smiles, sexy talk and pleasant stuff...he's running away from a marriage and doesn't want his affair to include any of that other real stuff. You're looking for a real relationship, he's looking for romance....people sometimes don't realize the difference esp some cheaters, the serial ones more often too. Romance is the sex, the trips, the fun....but a relationship is that plus other stuff that's not that fun. Your MM again based on how you're describing his behavior seems like the type in it for the shyts and giggles and romance and not for the relationship...he already has a relationship he's running from and you're not supposed to be giving him any of that, just romance and fun. Those are HIS rules...and you've played by it for 3 years.

 

It's not gonna change most likely so if you're waiting for him to be different, you'll be waiting a while. The ball is in your court though. You can either play by his rules or your own...but note, playing by your own will most likely lead him to not being able to be bothered.

Edited July 4, 2014 by MissBee

[IMsodumb]

Oh. My. God!

 

I don't know whether to cry or throw up. That last post about him already having a relationship and doesn't want another hit home.

 

I never looked at it that way. I was too hooked on his words. The "I love you's", "I miss you's", all of it made me "think" he wanted more. He discussed leaving his wife at one point too. I actually thought we had a relationship. Or at the very least he made me feel as if we did.

 

A "so called friend" knows about us and has been creating a bit of drama. Trying to discuss it with him has caused him to go a bit cold today. He's not his usual self and it really hurts. Your post just gave me the slap,upside the head I needed to make it nice and clear. He isn't concerned about me, he's concerned about himself and getting caught. He's worried about his "real relationship"!

[LoveTKO]

@IMsodumb, It's not just married men who behave this way but married women do it too.

 

You have to understand the basic premise of an affair is to supplement whatever the perceived shortcomings are in a marriage by the cheating spouse. If the marriage is really that bad they will naturally opt for a divorce, right? That fact is that having an affair can actually be a motivating factor to stay in a marriage, because now you have that stable home life with all the perks and you also have that dirty secret on the side that is able to fulfill all those erotic and kinky desires that the spouse can't. And in case you're not aware of it, the wild sex that you're having with your married lover actually enhances the sex life he has with his wife. He just closes is eyes and reflects on what he did with you and incorporates those mental images into his lovemaking routine with his wife.

 

They pull you in when they're horny or need attention, and push you away when you start making demands or raise expectations. It makes sense because making demands reminds them of an annoying spouse. Affairs are okay if you understand and are okay with using each other for sex and companionship, and this goes for cheating husbands and wives. It really isn't that bad at home as they make it out to be.....trust me. You're just a supplement.

[LoveTKO]

I do agree, but not the last but about being a supplement. We had a fullblown relationship for 6 years and I believe his adult kids are piling on the guilt. Hence our NC 2 weeks.but I believe love is stronger than guilt...... Love will conquer

 

 

I had a full blown affair with a married woman for six years as well, but it was clear as day to me that if things were really that bad she would have left. I was the recipient of unbridled sex and affection, which is great for a single guy of course. Emotions did take a toll since women generally don't do long term sex without feelings. At the same time, making up the sex deficit at home by having me but staying with the spouse to take advantage of a lucrative double income household is a no-brainer, especially for a selfish person.

[Got it]

Yeah I didn't pay any attention to any rules. I had certain expectations and he (or any man) would step up or not. His being married was not a reason to change things, in fact that was his baby to rock and I expected more because of that massive concession.

[cocorico]

Yeah I didn't pay any attention to any rules. I had certain expectations and he (or any man) would step up or not. His being married was not a reason to change things, in fact that was his baby to rock and I expected more because of that massive concession.

 

Agreed. The only rules we had were the ones I set.

[Friskyone4u]

Yes. There are rules. When you start banging someone else spouse you should be prepared for what you get , which in most cases will be used for sex, left alone on Holidays, and to be with you own conscience for what you are enabling to be done to someone else's family and unsuspecting partner.

 

Enjoy it. It will end abruptly and without any concern for your well being