New Life w/ Baby

[Rhema]

I don’t know if you’ve read my story. A week or so again, I was extremely depressed with trying to care for our newborn and questioning my relationship with the child’s father who is married. Like I’ve said before, the relationship in the past was ‘rewarding’ to me. I love him and I was happy. But lately I’ve been so stressed and questioning everything. I took advice (after a week of depression/crying spells) and I did see my physician. She doesn’t think that it is severe as postpartum depression. But she does want me to talk with someone and accept help from others. No one, not even my MM, knew how depressed or sleep-deprived I have been. I’ve always been very independent and seldom ask for help. Once I was honest about my “baby blues”, I have been getting needed assistance and interviewing babysitters. I was able to get a night’s rest last week and even got my hair done,went shopping for myself, etc. The next day I woke up feeling empowered and decided that I’m done with being a mistress.

 

I had planned to put my foot down and demand him to make an immediate decision. But the more I thought about it. I was like, ‘if he packed up and left today, there will still be drama next week’. So I decided that he has no decision to make concerning our relationship, because it is SLAP OVER!!! Just like that. No more discussions! I told him that we can make arrangements for our son, but our relationship is officially over. Of course he’s not taking it too well. I’ve always been the “perfect little mistress”. Never asking too many questions or causing any drama. But now you guys, I’m honestly mad as hell. I never understood in the past, why the mistress would be angry with the MM; when they put themselves in this situation. I never allowed myself to be angry with him, for this exact reason. But nevertheless, at this moment I am angry. Angry as hell! Is that a normal reaction?

 

As I said in previous post, the W has tried to contact me. She knows about me and the baby, but I have avoided her. And now I’m thinking, for what? Why avoid her? I’m tired of walking around on egg shells. I’ve loved a married man for years and now we have a child. No matter how wrong, that’s my story and I don’t want to hide it anymore.

 

I use to be energic, independent, and had a life outside of my relationship. But I’ve loss myself in all of this. I need to find myself again.

 

I guess my question is….although I’m feeling empowered these past few days. I know reality will set in. I look around in my home and there’s so many reminders of my relationship. Fantasy it may have been, but he has been my “man” for years. Doing household duties, buying things, trips, romantic nights out, and working together to create a beautiful nursery. I still love him with all my heart. We have a son that is the split image of his father. We’re going to have to co-parent. And I have to find a way to stay focused and not fall back into this limbo. He’s calling me, texting me, wanting to come by and talk. I can’t tell him that he cannot see his child, but I’m not strong enough to be around him. Or even talk to him. Does anyone have any advice?

[Fluttershy]

I am not sure of all your details but do you have a lawyer? I think the best thing to do would be to protect yourself in case they decide they want to be custodial parents. I'd also return his wife's calls and be civil. Like it or not there is a good chance she will be in the child's life. Be respectful and that can go a long way. But you are right. You cannot stat a mistress with a child forever. That is no life for your baby and he needs to come first.

[Quiet Storm]

Rhema, I see a lot of positive things in your post. What you found rewarding before doesn't seem to cut it now that your priorities have changed. Your mama bear instinct is making you feel angry. You are thinking about your son & the future. Your main concern now is not your love life. Now your number one concern is that baby, and providing him with an environment where you can nurture and he can thrive. It's hard to be the best mommy when your mind is all over the place, wondering about MM and his thoughts & intentions. Ending the affair is a very smart choice. You are putting you & your child's well being ahead of your emotions. I know you love him & this must be really hard for you, but this is a great sign, Rhema. Your love & emotions for MM are not driving your choices now. Your child's well being is what is driving you... you are a good mom! My advice is to just keep focusing on that baby, and taking care of yourself. It will be hard to resist him, but just remember that you will be a better mom without affair drama clouding your mind.

[Popsicle]

Good for you for getting angry, and yes it's normal.

[blue963]

Rhema I am so so very glad to see that you are making decisions for yourself and your baby rather than him. Keep posting here if you need support so that you can make it out of this and move in the right direction.

[Standard-Fare]

In addition to seconding the advice about the lawyer (I have to assume you've made some legal arrangements by this point?):

 

I think you're just too busy and tired to deal with your baby, yourself, AND this complex situation with the married guy. One of them has to be cut out, and it's obviously the married guy.

 

This is a time to focus on your baby and your own well-being because there isn't enough mental or emotional space for anything else. So don't even pretend to tolerate any bullsh*t drama right now.

[goodyblue]

I think you should do whatever is necessary to be the best mom you can. Babies are hard work. You focus on that and quite honestly, the MM can do whatever he wants. You don't worry about it. But DO get a lawyer and establish child support.

 

I know it's tough, but you are tougher. Be brave and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and your little one.

 

Good on you for knowing what you need and going for it.

 

Much respect to you.

[Rhema]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I'm taking it one day at a time. It hurts.

[P1nginLOVE]

I decided that I’m done with being a mistress.

 

I had planned to put my foot down and demand him to make an immediate decision. But the more I thought about it. I was like, ‘if he packed up and left today, there will still be drama next week’. So I decided that he has no decision to make concerning our relationship, because it is SLAP OVER!!! Just like that. No more discussions! I told him that we can make arrangements for our son, but our relationship is officially over. Of course he’s not taking it too well. I’ve always been the “perfect little mistress”. Never asking too many questions or causing any drama. But now you guys, I’m honestly mad as hell. I never understood in the past, why the mistress would be angry with the MM; when they put themselves in this situation. I never allowed myself to be angry with him, for this exact reason. But nevertheless, at this moment I am angry. Angry as hell! Is that a normal reaction?

 

As I said in previous post, the W has tried to contact me. She knows about me and the baby, but I have avoided her. And now I’m thinking, for what? Why avoid her? I’m tired of walking around on egg shells. I’ve loved a married man for years and now we have a child. No matter how wrong, that’s my story and I don’t want to hide it anymore.

 

I use to be energic, independent, and had a life outside of my relationship. But I’ve loss myself in all of this. I need to find myself again.

 

I guess my question is….although I’m feeling empowered these past few days. I know reality will set in. I look around in my home and there’s so many reminders of my relationship. Fantasy it may have been, but he has been my “man” for years. Doing household duties, buying things, trips, romantic nights out, and working together to create a beautiful nursery. I still love him with all my heart. We have a son that is the split image of his father. We’re going to have to co-parent. And I have to find a way to stay focused and not fall back into this limbo. He’s calling me, texting me, wanting to come by and talk. I can’t tell him that he cannot see his child, but I’m not strong enough to be around him. Or even talk to him. Does anyone have any advice?

 

Been there done that.

He didn't give me any capital to start a business.

But I was financially secure with him by my side.

When I demanded him to leave his W, when my son was 2 months old, he refused.

He was more concerned of his reputation and his parents'. It wasn't because he loved her that much. So our A ended that day, just like that.

NC for 3 years now, been a single fighter for my 3 y.o. son.

Not financially well off but I can sufficiently cover our needs.

 

Co parenting is a hard task. Does he have other children from his w? They might be feel threatened by your son's presence.

Leave him if he cannot make up his mind.

You still have a long bright future a head of you.

Just make sure it doesn't end bad, but by mutual understanding.

Edited April 26, 2014 by P1nginLOVE
typo

[Rhema]

My exMM is not taking me seriously (even though I broke things off over a week ago). I feel like he's using the baby to be around me and play on my emotions. I still love him and I'm not strong enough to deal with this. I told him that we need to work out a visitation arrangement and he's not listening. Everytime I'm around him, its very hard. He's beginning to act jealous. I've lost most of my baby weight and back in my regular clothes. I've hired a babysitter and getting out more. He says I'm "hunting" for men; and saying that him and I are still in a relationship! There's no reasoning with him and I'm honestly weak.

 

This past Friday, a reality star that I like was at a local lounge. My sister kept my baby so that I can get out for the first time. When he found out that I was out, he kept calling my phone. He made me feel guilty about being away from the baby and I left BEFORE I even met the celebrity! He convinced me to let him ride along to go get our son. On the way, he was nice and calm. He was saying how much he appreciates me, I'm a great mom, and that he will be getting his own place soon. He says that he really needs me to be there for him when all of this takes place. I did not offer for him to stay with me....I just listened.

 

By the time we made it home with the baby...his attitude totally changed. He started making mean remarks. I guess because I wasn't saying what he wanted to hear. He kept reminding me of the risks he's taking to be with me. And apparently the W is wanting to work things out. He went on and on until the baby woke up at 7am! I made him leave my home. Although deep down I wanted him to stay. As crazy as it is, I still love this man. But I'm trying my best to be strong.

 

The next day, the W called my phone. I didn't answer. I don't know what she wanted. Maybe she was pissed that he is still staying out all night. He has honestly spent the MAJORITY of his free time with me for years. How is this possible? People have always told me that their marriage was cold and distant, before I even came along. But now that there is a baby...she wants to work things out? *shrug* I don't know.

 

I went and got my phone number changed yesterday. He came by wanting to talk (I did NOT give him the new number), and would NOT let him in. I know that NC is not an option because we have a child. But this situation is a damn MESS!! I have never seen him act like this. If they want to be together, then BE TOGETHER and leave me out of it!!! Send financial support and a family member can meet you for visitation. If he's going to leave, then leave!

 

I have a great job (that is hard to come by) and I do not want to move! But now I'm considering just up and leaving. This **** is a crazy mess. How can I live my life? And although this baby is not around all the commotion, I'm sure its not healthy. I know he loves this child, but MM is on an emotional rollercoaster and he's taking us all for a ride. Its hurting me too...I love him and until recently, I honestly thought that we would end up together. This is too much for me to handle.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Rhema

[Rhema]

But I was financially secure with him by my side.

 

He was more concerned of his reputation and his parents'. It wasn't because he loved her that much.

NC for 3 years now, been a single fighter for my 3 y.o. son.

Not financially well off but I can sufficiently cover our needs.

 

Co parenting is a hard task. Does he have other children from his w? They might be feel threatened by your son's presence.

 

I have a career, but as you know a baby is very expensive. I've been afraid of that. I understand what you're saying. It has been more secure all around having him there.

 

My MM is most concerned about his mother. His father left her for his mistress (after having two children with the mistress). I know that has weight heavily on his thoughts, although there's no excuse.

 

He has three children with his W, but they are young adults. The youngest is getting ready to graduate high school. I'm not sure how they'll feel. They do not know about it yet....I know that they love their father. I was more worried about how to co-parent if he stays with the W.

 

Congrats on being a good provider for your son. Do you know how you're going to explain to him the situation? Does he ask about his dad?

 

Do you have any financial tips for me also? Thanks

[whichwayisup]

Get a lawyer and sort this out in court. Protect your child.

[RickFox]

Until there is a court order you have no obligation to allow him access to the child. So how is no contact not an option?

[P1nginLOVE]

I have a career, but as you know a baby is very expensive. I've been afraid of that. I understand what you're saying. It has been more secure all around having him there.

 

My MM is most concerned about his mother. His father left her for his mistress (after having two children with the mistress). I know that has weight heavily on his thoughts, although there's no excuse.

 

He has three children with his W, but they are young adults. The youngest is getting ready to graduate high school. I'm not sure how they'll feel. They do not know about it yet....I know that they love their father. I was more worried about how to co-parent if he stays with the W.

 

Congrats on being a good provider for your son. Do you know how you're going to explain to him the situation? Does he ask about his dad?

 

Do you have any financial tips for me also? Thanks

 

My suggestions are...if you really want them out of your live and your son's as you have mentioned:

1. Discuss about how he'll provide the financial support without having to frequently contact you. (monthly, yearly, how much and other details?)

2. Go to court if he does NOT want to provide for your son (I didn't, because I was way too broken hearted that time and didn't want to go through that long heavy battle)

3. Learn to discuss your problems to the ones you trust and will not sell your stories or talk behind your back. Having supportive friends and family would boost your energy and reduce pain and confusion and fear of the uncertainty and of things that you cannot control.

4. Pray a lot...(I'm a Christian)...or meditate if you're a Buddhist...or go to yoga class for pregnant ladies might help (so I heard).

5. Re-plan. As you said, you had thoughts of how your future with him and the baby. Now toss that away. Just see you and your son, and start constructing new plans. (do not quit from your work!), working was one of the things that kept me sane.

Take baby steps!

 

I did those five things...I didn't go to a professional to seek help.

Financial tips..urrghhh...I'm afraid I can't give you much advice...

I barely can save any money myself as I had to pay for a babysitter and rented a place to live. Milk was also very expensive (i didn;t breastfeed him). Diapers...

Fortunately, now that he's 3 years old, he uses less diapers and drinks less milk. Still hire a nanny for him. In the last 6 months, I've been doing a side job...so my one and only advice is...try to earn money as much as possible. Be productive financially!

 

 

*Congrats on being a good provider for your son. Do you know how you're going to explain to him the situation? Does he ask about his dad?

 

As I said, take baby steps! When it has to happen, it will happen.

I do not share stories about his dad, and will not -of course- teach him to hate him.

If one day they meet, I want them to hug and love each other. Not regretting the past. Let it be by God's will.

 

And remember: They are also suffering from this. So do not point fingers. I did that. I hated them at first, but I learned that it didn't improve my life and I saw that I just needed to love myself more in order to move on peacefully.

Edited April 28, 2014 by P1nginLOVE
typo

[Rhema]

Until there is a court order you have no obligation to allow him access to the child. So how is no contact not an option?

 

 

I can understand a temporary break until things are established, but "obligation"....YES a father is entitled to have access to their child, especially when they have been there all along. I wouldn't dare keep him from his son. I've seen that happen and it only hurts the child in the end....and long-term it causes resentment. It just seems that I may not need to be around during those visits.

[Rhema]

Does anyone know why my last post thread was deleted??? I read the rules, and I didn't violate anything. Furthermore, it seems that responses were added from the last post to this one? I don't get it.