Being The OW

[Lovemesomehim]

Met my mm during a business conference. First question I asked him when I realized he was flirting was, "are you married?" He pointed to his ring finger and told me no. I also asked if he was dating or seeing someone seriously and that was a no. Stated he just got out of two year relationship and right now wasn't looking for anything serious. Since I was single and committed to my career and raising two boys on my own (ex-husband is deceased) I thought he would be a distraction from every day life.

 

After talking, realized that we only lived a few cities over and that was the beginning of our relationship. Since I did not allow my dates around my sons, meeting him at restaurants and for lunch didn't mean much. But when I invited him to a friends wedding, the red flags began to appear. This was two months of us seeing one another. I did some detective work and found out he was married. Confronted him with my evidence and of course he began telling me that the marriage was over. He was living in a sexless marriage but stayed due to the children. So of course I knew this was the oldest lie in the world, instead of believing him, I decided to see for myself. At that moment I told him that we were done and I ended it all.

 

Of course he pursued it and I staked out his house. Saw him and his wife. Saw the children and saw how happy they were. Couldn't tell he was living in a sexless marriage. I saw him grab her and hold her in his arms. Saw him grab her booty and rub her back. Saw this on several different occasions. He continued to contact me, I continued to ignore his calls. Yes he was sweet. Yes he was attentive but I knew he was out for one thing and that was to have someone on the side. Most men, who refuse to deal with issues in their marriages will go outside to get what he really has at home. I wasn't about to fall for it. My heart was there but my mind was telling me no...

 

After everything that has happened, I still find myself thinking about him and what could have been if he wasn't married. But I also think that if I gave him the opportunity to be with me, I would be fooled just like his wife. I owe it to myself to get passed this. I owe it to myself to chalk this one up as a lessoned learned.

 

He still text me messages. Still leaves voicemail messages late at night. Told him if he continues I will tell his wife. He has yet to stop. What should I do?

Edited March 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nais]

Let him know you watched him- when it happened and to note that you have yet said a word but you have asked nicely so this ones on you, if he persists the next ones on him and his wife finds out. you got away- you do not want it so the next parts easy.

[Popsicle]

You can either ignore him and never respond until he stops or tell his wife.

[Lovemesomehim]

Let him know you watched him- when it happened and to note that you have yet said a word but you have asked nicely so this ones on you, if he persists the next ones on him and his wife finds out. you got away- you do not want it so the next parts easy.

 

Thank you for your response. If he continues to pursue me, I will let him know what I witnessed. Hope at that moment he leaves me alone.

[Lovemesomehim]

You can either ignore him and never respond until he stops or tell his wife.

 

I hope he stops pursuing me because I do not want to hurt his wife. From what I saw, she's in love with her husband and does not have a clue about what he's doing behind her back. Sad.

[LilGirlandOW]

I hope he stops pursuing me because I do not want to hurt his wife. From what I saw, she's in love with her husband and does not have a clue about what he's doing behind her back. Sad.

 

Yes its crazy how flipped upside down her "perfect" world will be. I would have told him asap what i knew, i probably would have caught it on film had i gone that far to watch him, lol. All MM are happy at home (thats why they're there, lol)

 

I hope he leaves you alone, good for you OP in standing your ground and doing the right thing!!

[Popsicle]

I hope he stops pursuing me because I do not want to hurt his wife. From what I saw, she's in love with her husband and does not have a clue about what he's doing behind her back. Sad.

 

I hear you. I would not tell either. I'm sorry that he keeps contacting you. That must make it really hard, especially if you like him. I think I would just keep telling him to contact you if he ever divorces.

[nais]

I hope he stops pursuing me because I do not want to hurt his wife. From what I saw, she's in love with her husband and does not have a clue about what he's doing behind her back. Sad.

 

 

Its not that you have to tell.... its the threat of telling. You let him know you have watched him I guarantee he will back off! He doesn't want that to be interrupted, he is in a position where he feels you are just saying this, but if you describe her the house lah lah lah... you wont hear a thing! If your not over the feelings you had while you two were seeing each other, find a way to work it out. You have stated you do not want to hurt anyone so do what you deem as right and know it might be hard but it will be done soon.

[Ms. Red]

I owe it to myself to chalk this one up as a lessoned learned.

 

 

What lesson did you learn? To say this usually means you made a mistake or did something wrong. You did every thing right and nothing wrong that I can tell by what you posted.

 

 

Very admirable what you did too. If more women did that we would see less heartache in these forums.

 

He still text me messages. Still leaves voicemail messages late at night. Told him if he continues I will tell his wife. He has yet to stop. What should I do?

 

 

Since you barely knew him & couldn't have developed deep feelings isn't it easy to just ignore them? Completely ignore them with no response at all. He will give up eventually.

 

 

I had someone continue contacting me when I didn't want him to. I renamed him dumbass or something like that in my contacts lists. It ended up that every time he sent a text or called and that came up I would always giggle & think 'If only he knew'. It helped get over the frustration. He got zero response from me and finally gave up.

[skywriter]

Lovemesomehim,

 

Good job with your detective work. Try not to catch yourself romanticizing this guy. You say he's sweet, but then you can ask yourself is he really sweet? He's cruel for decieving the mother of his children.

 

You outright asked him if he was married and he lied. So, if he'd do it to his wife, he'd do it to you. If he were ever single, why would you want to risk yourself for a guy that lies and decieves right out of the starting gate?

 

These are all things as OW, once we've opened pandoras box, we try to rationlize away.

[JenniferTucker]

Why not block any avenue he has of contacting you? There is no need to tell him what you intruded on. Him being married is all the information you need. I'm thinking a call or visit to the police about his stalking activity would clear up any misconception of what a great guy he is? You did the right steps in ending before beginning, don't feed off the highs of his persistence and this blip will be a faded memory sooner than later:)

[Ruffian1]

Told him if he continues I will tell his wife. He has yet to stop. What should I do?

 

 

Please tell his BS. Wouldn't you want to know?

 

If he really is in a awful, sexless M, then there is his chance to get out for real.

[Snipercatt]

Told him if he continues I will tell his wife.

 

You haven't, so he persists.

[Lovemesomehim]

What lesson did you learn? To say this usually means you made a mistake or did something wrong. You did every thing right and nothing wrong that I can tell by what you posted.

 

 

Very admirable what you did too. If more women did that we would see less heartache in these forums.

 

 

 

 

Since you barely knew him & couldn't have developed deep feelings isn't it easy to just ignore them? Completely ignore them with no response at all. He will give up eventually.

 

 

I had someone continue contacting me when I didn't want him to. I renamed him dumbass or something like that in my contacts lists. It ended up that every time he sent a text or called and that came up I would always giggle & think 'If only he knew'. It helped get over the frustration. He got zero response from me and finally gave up.

 

 

 

 

I need to stop thinking about him and what could have been. I think I was more drawn to the fact that he actually dated me....sent flowers to my job. Wrote romantic letters to me... He was one of the first men to actually court me. I felt as if I was royalty when I was with him. I'm glad we didn't pursue a sexual relationship because if we had.....who knows where my heart would be right now.

[Lovemesomehim]

You haven't, so he persists.

 

 

 

That was just a threat. If the relationship was a little deeper, I probably would've told her so she would know what a scum bag of a husband she was dealing with... I'll let her figure it out, if she already hasn't.

 

Since posting this, I have blocked his number from my phone.

[Lovemesomehim]

Thank you to all that responded.

[Snipercatt]

That was just a threat.

 

Lovemesome, you have probably figured this out, already, but don't threaten something that you aren't going to follow through on, whether that be personal, or business. You lose credibility when you don't follow through. It can also leak over into promises that aren't kept. Your word is your bond.

 

The good news is that you've figured your way out of this.

 

I think I was more drawn to the fact that he actually dated me....sent flowers to my job. Wrote romantic letters to me... He was one of the first men to actually court me. I felt as if I was royalty when I was with him.

 

Okay, BUT this guy is a scum bag! He tricked you into having a relationship with you by misrepresenting himself. He didn't permit you to make an informed decision about one of the most important decisions we have; who we choose to invest our heart in.

 

No amount of courting offsets that! This asshat thought it okay to waste your heart for HIS personal gain!

[Snowflower]

That was just a threat. If the relationship was a little deeper, I probably would've told her so she would know what a scum bag of a husband she was dealing with... I'll let her figure it out, if she already hasn't.

 

Since posting this, I have blocked his number from my phone.

 

Good for you for blocking his number from your phone!

 

But why are you so dismissive of his wife? She already has a scumbag husband, she just doesn't know it yet. Why do you think it is okay for her to have to figure it out? And, why would she know anyway?

 

Tell her, don't tell her, that is up to you and your circumstances. But please don't be dismissive of what she is dealing with, even if she doesn't know it.

[Lovemesomehim]

Lovemesome, you have probably figured this out, already, but don't threaten something that you aren't going to follow through on, whether that be personal, or business. You lose credibility when you don't follow through. It can also leak over into promises that aren't kept. Your word is your bond.

 

The good news is that you've figured your way out of this.

 

 

Yes - my word is my bond and I'm well aware that idle threats to someone, means nothing. I needed him to back off and stop his nonsense because no amount of swooning me would deter what I've set in my mind.

 

 

 

Okay, BUT this guy is a scum bag! He tricked you into having a relationship with you by misrepresenting himself. He didn't permit you to make an informed decision about one of the most important decisions we have; who we choose to invest our heart in.

 

No amount of courting offsets that! This asshat thought it okay to waste your heart for HIS personal gain!

 

 

 

I agree, he is a scumbag and tricked me into believing something that was untrue. If the courting would have been all that I needed, I would've became the OW. The short time of togetherness was great, I admit but wasn't enough to keep me.

[Lovemesomehim]

Good for you for blocking his number from your phone!

 

But why are you so dismissive of his wife? She already has a scumbag husband, she just doesn't know it yet. Why do you think it is okay for her to have to figure it out? And, why would she know anyway?

 

Tell her, don't tell her, that is up to you and your circumstances. But please don't be dismissive of what she is dealing with, even if she doesn't know it.

 

 

 

This is how I look at the fact of not calling his wife. That's their marriage and I will not come between the two of them by revealing to her anything about her husband. If I wanted to become the OW, I could've made that happen but knew it was not in my best interest. After finding out he was married, by doing my detective work, I protected myself. If the W trust her H, then that is on her, not me. I have a responsibility to myself, not to her.

 

 

He courted me. He made me believe something that was not true but the real truth came out before I could develop strong feelings for this man. Hurting her is not my intention. Telling her that she married a scumbag is something she probably already knows because in my heart, I know that I was not the first woman he pursued. He felt too comfortable for it to be his first time. Telling the W does not change what happened. Keeping him away from me is my only concern.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Met my mm during a business conference. First question I asked him when I realized he was flirting was, "are you married?" He pointed to his ring finger and told me no. I also asked if he was dating or seeing someone seriously and that was a no. Stated he just got out of two year relationship and right now wasn't looking for anything serious. Since I was single and committed to my career and raising two boys on my own (ex-husband is deceased) I thought he would be a distraction from every day life.

 

After talking, realized that we only lived a few cities over and that was the beginning of our relationship. Since I did not allow my dates around my sons, meeting him at restaurants and for lunch didn't mean much. But when I invited him to a friends wedding, the red flags began to appear. This was two months of us seeing one another. I did some detective work and found out he was married. Confronted him with my evidence and of course he began telling me that the marriage was over. He was living in a sexless marriage but stayed due to the children. So of course I knew this was the oldest lie in the world, instead of believing him, I decided to see for myself. At that moment I told him that we were done and I ended it all.

 

Of course he pursued it and I staked out his house. Saw him and his wife. Saw the children and saw how happy they were. Couldn't tell he was living in a sexless marriage. I saw him grab her and hold her in his arms. Saw him grab her booty and rub her back. Saw this on several different occasions. He continued to contact me, I continued to ignore his calls. Yes he was sweet. Yes he was attentive but I knew he was out for one thing and that was to have someone on the side. Most men, who refuse to deal with issues in their marriages will go outside to get what he really has at home. I wasn't about to fall for it. My heart was there but my mind was telling me no...

 

After everything that has happened, I still find myself thinking about him and what could have been if he wasn't married. But I also think that if I gave him the opportunity to be with me, I would be fooled just like his wife. I owe it to myself to get passed this. I owe it to myself to chalk this one up as a lessoned learned.

 

He still text me messages. Still leaves voicemail messages late at night. Told him if he continues I will tell his wife. He has yet to stop. What should I do?

 

You should go and see his wife. In person so that she sees that you are not some crazy woman (because that is what he will tell her you are).

 

You go and see her and you take as much proof as you have with you to show her that what you are tellling is true (because he will tell her that you are a deluded woman who is making something up).

 

And you tell her that if he ever contacts you again, you will file a complaint for stalking against him and tell all their friends and acquaintances that he is cheating on her. The last thing will scare the hell out of her because my experience is that the betrayed spouse does not so much care about the cheating, she cares about looking like a fool for staying.

 

I sound harsh I know but I am still recovering from an affair with a married man who did not tell me he was married and when I found out, gave me the crap about them not having sex anymore, and him preparing his way out. These are just cheap lines to keep you hooked.

 

There might be exceptions but I think that these are the guys who get divorced after a short time. Most cheating man just want to have their cake and eat it. They are bored narcissist who want to live an exciting fantasy and they don't give a damn if this fantasy is actually the reality of another human being. That's why they don't get involved with a woman who is aiming for the same thing. NO, they want someone who lives the whole story as real because otherwise the distraction is not complete. It's cruel and immoral.

 

If my husband would ever deceive someone in such a way, I certainly would not rally against the OW (as so many here do) but divorce him right away. You just don't want to be together with a person who does not have any integrity.