SailGirl Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Wondering if any one has been in, or knows of a situation, where the OW confronts the wife of the MM, or participated in causing the MM to be found out by the wife? What happened? Why did OW tell? How did she tell (email or letter or phone or what? How did the wife react? Was it a good decision? My friends are encouraging me to tell his wife and I am not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I know a situation like this. The woman thought if she told the wife that the wife would divorce the husband and then he would be free to marry the other woman. But it never happened. Just because a woman knows her husband is cheating doesn't mean she's going to divorce him. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 The MM that I'm involved with was seeing lots and lots of women when we first met. One of them got angry that he wasn't giving her any more time and called his wife. He and his wife went through months of hell but stayed together. But - he HATES her for hurting his wife and trying to destroy his marriage. Ironic I know because he's doing a pretty good job of it on his own; but he never spoke to that girl again ....and he started seeing me exclusively. I'm not sure what result you want but - you might end up just pushing him out of your life, instead of into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SailGirl Posted August 2, 2004 Author Share Posted August 2, 2004 I don't want him to leave her for me because of me telling her. He could have done that before. It would be a lame victory to catch this guy only because he got thrown out of his house, huh! No, I have ended the relationship and it is just really bugging me to tell her. I'm not hoping it would cause he and I to get together. I think he will despise me if I tell her, so I'm not kidding myself on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 If you can be assured that you are not doing this out of a need to hurt, then maybe you've got a bit of ground to stand on. Let your friends be the ones to spill the beans if they're so eager to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I am not clear - why do your friends think you should tell him? I would be interestd to hear where they are coming from on this. I think some situations are different from others. BTW, I used to want to tell his wife but didn't want the karmic and other impacts of doing it. I also knew it would end things forever on all levels and I didn't want to cut that cord with such finality, unfortunately. I'm glad I didn't do anything to out him but still I honestly wish she would find out -- but not through my direct actions. What do YOU think you should do? Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I told the wife because I didn't know I was dating a married man. I warned him, if he was lying about being married or having kids that I would tell the wife everything and he assured me he was single. He kept that lie up until the wife called my house - I gave her all the details and haven't spoken to either since Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Gosh. I think in your situation not only was it justified but you really didn't have a choice. Obviously the wife already knew since she called you, right? You just confirmed what she already knew. Plus you had told him in advance you'd out him if he was lying to you. What other choice did you have, really? Are you still involved with him? I wish that would happen to me - that she would call me already knowing and looking for confirmation. I'd confirm. I wouldn't want to tell her every detail because that would be too hurtful I would think, but I would tell her the truth about the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrappy Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 If you enter into a relationship knowing that the other person is married and allow it to progress then niether you or your friends have ANY RIGHT WHATSOEVER to tell the W. There can be no argument to the contrary about this. It is simply not your place. As many other people have posted, you most likely will not get anything for it anyway. What you do risk is an angry W or xMM showing up at your house. I don't know about you but if I was in MM W's shoes and you told me what you're considering telling her I'd go directly to your house. Also keep in mind that you don't know what lies he will tell to get himself out of the situation. He could easily tell her that it was YOU who was pursuing him! He could paint you out to be some husband stealing whore. And trust me, his W WILL believe HIM over you. She wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
MaryJane Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 My X husbands OW called me and told me. It was the single most painful, shocking and intense experience of my life... I will never EVER forget that telephone call. She finally called and told me about it because he had apparantly dumped her and found another OW. I had no idea that any of this was going on whatsoever. He and I struggled through another 4 years of marriage, all of it filled with so many other girls. It was all a game to him. Anyway, back to that OW and her life changing phone call... She was just as surprised as I was because he had been feeding her such lines of BS about me and our life and our kids. Just stupid lies, like the color of my hair and whether or not I like pizza... stupid stuff. I sort of will always hate her for the fact that she knew all the time and only decided to tell me afterwards, feels like she just wanted to make sure I was hurting since she was hurting. Anyway, together she and I decided to show up on the doorstep together and confront him. It did not go well. He hated her and me for awhile. Now, we are divorced and he's moved on to OW after OW. That's just my story, I'm sure it would be different for different people. I would be scared that the W would come after me, so many times they do only want to believe the H and want to hate you instead of him. Women should stick together and not work against each other. Take care no matter what you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 why not type up an anonymous note: ex: "I saw your husband out with someone else that was not you. If I were you I would keep my eyes and ears open. " Anonymous Or however you would end it. Something maybe..just a suggestion Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 If you enter into a relationship knowing that the other person is married and allow it to progress then niether you or your friends have ANY RIGHT WHATSOEVER to tell the W. There can be no argument to the contrary about this. It is simply not your place. Not only is that wrong, it's also only your opinion. There can, and will be arguement contrary to this. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrappy Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Mr. Spock, Please explain. How can you justify telling the spouse when you, as an adult, knew what you were getting yourself into from the start. I'm not talking about some maggot that tells the OW he is divorced or separated. I am talking about knowing the situation as you enter into it. If you let it progress. You simply have no right!! I just don't understand! I WOULD NEVER TELL MY OW's SPOUSE. NEVER! Let me add that the ONLY way I would tell the spouse is if I found out that she had more than one OM while telling me otherwise. That's my only exception. I just don't know how people can all of a sudden get on their high horse and decide to play god after willfully participating in an illicit affair. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 Scrappy, why would it make a difference if you found out he had another OW? Just curious to understand your logic on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Bourget Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 If she was telling me she didn't but later found out she did. In other words, if she lied about it. Example: I know about her H but I know of no other partners. I accept what I am getting myself into because I'm aware of the H. If I asked her if there was anyone else besides her H and she said no and later found that to be a lie, then yes, I have a problem with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Bourget Posted August 4, 2004 Share Posted August 4, 2004 kkat, I am Scrappy. just registered under different name. Link to post Share on other sites
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