Really not coping today

[maidai]

I posted this yesterday and at the time it seemed really trivial

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/420249-i-ll-get-ready-batten-down-hatches-then

 

Today I feel rigid with I don't know what and it has consumed every second.

 

It seems that as explained in yesterdays post. Eldest Daughter rung him on her Birthday to have W screaming in the background WHO IS SHE and that was followed by you had better give me your phone now.

 

Yesterday as explained his facebook reappeared which had to go when he went back to her. No sign of her on it although her facebook is still there. I have blocked him immediately.

 

Its looking like they have already split up.

 

If you read my back threads you will see there is alot of history between his children, family, ex childs Mothers and the W. Although I removed the children from my facebook we have mutual friends and today I have seen that they have all been changing their names back to their Mum's Maiden names. A very definate statement.

 

Everybody is making a stand against him resumming this relationship even though it seems just 3 weeks later its gone again.

 

I implemented NC and I aim to stay no contact. I am scared though. The only way I can describe it is like world war 3 breaking out around you and finding the safest bunker to hide out in and being able to hear all the shells going off above you. You want to stick your head out of the bunker to reassure yourself the world is still there but you dare not for fear of being caught in the crossfire. I dont want to know what is going on and where his mind set is but feel I would be safer and more settled to a degree if I did know. There is nothing so sure though that everything in his world and life, friends, family, children and wife are all going wrong for him and walking away making statements as they go.

 

The only person he will have left to run to is me. I don't want him to. I can not express how much the worry its going to happen is affecting me today. I had just grown strong, managed to convince myself all was well in his life and he was out of mine. I can not change my numbers because they are affiliated to my work. I can not move to get away. I packed in smoking, today I ran to the cigarettes again. Tonight I also went and stupidly got myself a drink to try and calm myself down, its had the reverse effect although I have not drunk hardly any of it because I feel so sick with worry.

 

In two days time it is my 40th Birthday. We booked a week off together and were meant to be going camping at the place we went to on our first date with both families and our mutual friends. I cancelled that but made plans with 40 plus other friends and have been moving forward looking forward to enjoying it and now I feel I cant for worry of contact. I am worried he will attempt to mess it up using that as a day to contact me with a lame Happy Birthday.

 

I feel emotionally rattled. I do not want to deal with this and do not want to deal with him when I am feeling emotionally rattled.

 

I am sorry this comes across as so disjointed but I really needed to get my fears out somewhere and I need the strength to deal with it if if happens. I dont want to lay this on my close friends. They know up until this point I have coped admirally but now I feel I have taken a two week step back and all the anxiety I felt then when my phone went etc has come storming back, everytime I have had a text today regarding work my stomach has sunk. I cant even block his number until he *does* have contact because I deleted it and everything message wise he ever sent the second I decided to go NC.

Edited August 29, 2013 by maidai

[WakingUp]

Maidai, firstly, hang in there girl.

 

I just want to say, you don't have to take him back. Just because you feel he has nowhere else to go, he is NOT your responsibility. He has made his choices and he needs to sort out his own stuff.

 

Do NOT let him take back your life. You sound like you have made progress, hang on to that!

 

Its going to take all you have to keep an emotional distance IF he comes running to you, but do it, just do it for yourself. Look after YOU, because when the chips are down that is what you HAVE to do. And let him look after himself. He sounds like hes made a right mess of things. Do not be his soft place to fall! Let him take ownership of his own mess.

 

And... I know its easy to say... but go ahead and enjoy your birthday. Tell your friends your phone is broken and switch it off for the day. Leave it somewhere. Anything. Get a temporary number just for that day and give it to your friends, and go out and have a good time. These bloody phones are like a weight sometimes.

 

Lastly, (((hugs)))

[maidai]

Thank you so much Waking Up. I just feel so sick and angry at how much it has rattled me knowing that everything is going bang around his head. You are right he has stupidly with out thought created a real mess around him. My heart hurts for his children because I knew with the history with the W this was all going to happen. They really are such wonderful kids and I had so much time and love for them.

 

Although its my Birthday tomorrow I have friends coming from Country wide and tonight we have the first of 3 nights out with meals and meeting up with other friends during the days to come. I am so blessed with good people in my life who have really rallied around to make sure I am surrounded with love because they knew this would be the last big difficult hurdle for me to get through.

 

He will not ruin it. If he does contact me I will maintain NC still I just know it will slightly take the shine off everything I have planned if he does.