MW feeling guilty for OM

[AussieLady]

So I've been reading for a while, and whilst I understand I may not receive support, I need to get my feelings out. There also does not seem to be many posts from MW and single OM.

 

So here's my story:

 

Happily married 37 year old with two young children and the usual long term marriage issues; too busy, too tired, need more physical intimacy and words of love etc.

 

Met another man through work, who is not my type, but intense physical attraction. He fills the physical intimacy I am lacking (nothing physical has happened, but I know text messaging is still cheating). He excites me, and I know this is not reality and I have told him we need to stop and this is not going any further (still convincing myself of this!). I get all the "work on your marriage" advice and I am doing this - this whole situation has shown me this is what I need to do.

 

My issue - I can not stop thinking about the OM. He is obviously angry I will not take it further and is hurt that I have a family to go home to yet he does not. Trying to convince myself that this is his issue and not mine. Trying to convince myself I should be angry that he is encouraging me to cheat, but part of me still wonders what it. Feeling guilty that I led him on and then have called it quits, but he knew I was married from the start and I told him I could not give him what he wanted.

 

It has been less than 24 hours since NC, so I know it is still early days, but I'm not sure how to move on. I am angry at home and it is affecting the whole family.

[tinker683]

Former OM here:

 

My advice would be to end things with him and focus on your family, try and work in the physical side of your marriage with your husband. I assume you love your husband? I sounds to me like he wants this to go somewhere and you sound like you're not sure where you quite want this to go and that ambivalence is going to rip him to shreds.

 

So please, if you are going to proceed forward with this affair, please go in with both feet forward and fly aware of the damage you're going to do to your family and please give heavy thought as to what it is you really want and why it is you're looking outside your marriage for it

[weedsandposies]

when a single man, or anyone for that matter, shows interest in a married woman it's because they want sex without commitment. Your OM feels cockblocked by your H. This man will give you problems if you continue with a PA. I'd tell him to move on and stop whining.

[AussieLady]

I think she is 37, not the marriage.

 

Otherwise, yes, agreed.

 

Yes, sorry I am 37; been with my husband for 18 years.

 

OM believes we need to give it a shot to see if there is really something more than the physical attraction. He talks about a possible future, not just sex without commitment, and believes I should leave my marriage if I am not happy. But yes, I am ambivalent and I am sure this has made him hurt and angry. Part of me wants to see what it would be like with him (I am more inclined towards the sex without commitment - I know, wrong wrong wrong) but I also know I don't want to throw away my marriage. So I won't proceed and will just live with the fantasies.

 

You're right he does have anger issues and he is manipulating me, but why do I feel like the bad guy in this? I keep telling myself he is being selfish, he has nothing to lose, but I am a softie and feel so bad for hurting him. He is really in touch with his emotions and whenever we speak he really gets me, and I am going to miss that. He tells me I have broken him and he is worthless which makes me feel even more guilty - yes I know there's the manipulation.

 

Thanks for your replies. Just reading and writing is helping me to see that it is his problem and his way of dealing with this is not my concern anymore. He should respect my decision to work on my marriage; but still I want to message him to see if he is ok.

[ThatJustHappened]

Yes, sorry I am 37; been with my husband for 18 years.

 

OM believes we need to give it a shot to see if there is really something more than the physical attraction. He talks about a possible future, not just sex without commitment, and believes I should leave my marriage if I am not happy. But yes, I am ambivalent and I am sure this has made him hurt and angry. Part of me wants to see what it would be like with him (I am more inclined towards the sex without commitment - I know, wrong wrong wrong) but I also know I don't want to throw away my marriage. So I won't proceed and will just live with the fantasies.

 

You're right he does have anger issues and he is manipulating me, but why do I feel like the bad guy in this? I keep telling myself he is being selfish, he has nothing to lose, but I am a softie and feel so bad for hurting him. He is really in touch with his emotions and whenever we speak he really gets me, and I am going to miss that. He tells me I have broken him and he is worthless which makes me feel even more guilty - yes I know there's the manipulation.

 

Thanks for your replies. Just reading and writing is helping me to see that it is his problem and his way of dealing with this is not my concern anymore. He should respect my decision to work on my marriage; but still I want to message him to see if he is ok.

 

Well..you're not exactly the good guy. He certainly does sound like a jerk, but you are cheating on your husband and leading him on. Best thing to do is to leave him alone.

[thefooloftheyear]

Just think about this....

 

After the mad sex is over and the honeymoon period has reached its end, what are you going to be left with?

 

At best, "the same -old same old"....with the added pains of a messy divorce, kids broken up, etc..

 

Its a real problem as your intimacy issues are real and need not be ignored..Its the battle most that wiind up here fight with...I wish I had the answer to that.....I dont.

 

TFY

[Journee]

Ok, this is the thought that would motivate me to stop this if i were in your shoes. Imagine the day when (more than likely when and not if) your husband learns the details of your betrayal. Imagine you do let this defile your marriage with sex. Imagine the look on your husband's face when he learns that another man entered his wife. The mother of his children and the woman he has spent the better part of his life with.

 

Think of the constant drama and push pull this will create between OM and yourself. Is it really worth devastating your family for some penetration from someone you admit is manipulating you?

 

I don't know what is going on in your marriage but if you can work things out with your H ,do you think it would be what you want? Relationships can ebb and flow. Your marriage will not always be hot and heavy excitement. Unfortunately people become complacent over time in certain instances. Maybe your H just needs to know what you need and are lacking. He has no chance to compete with OM because he has no clue what he is facing.

 

18 years is nothing to sneeze at. If you are willing to throw that away then let your husband go. He can then move on just as you have been with OM. Just read some of the DDay posts around here. Messy stuff.

[anne1707]

I'm a fWS who had an affair at work and still work with the exOM

 

I do understand you feeling guilty but that is in part because he is doing his best to make you feel guilty and get you to have sex with him. But I can promise you that the guilt you feel now is absolutely nothing compared to the guilt you would feel if you continued this affair. Guilt when you have to lie to your husband about "being stuck late in a meeting" or guilt when your kids ask you if you had a nice day and you had spent it with the OM. And then there is the totally destructive force of dday. Nothing can ever prepare you for that. All I can tell you is that you will never have seen your husband in as much pain as that before. Your kids will pick up on all this too. They will feel the pain even if they are not told what is going on.

 

If you want to stop all this, you have to go NC with this man at work. Keep contact to purely work. Use emails where you used to phone or pop by his office. Cut him off if he ever tries to talk personal. Don't even do polite office chit chat like "(did you) have a nice weekend". If you want your marriage to work, you have to be tough on this.

[AussieLady]

Thanks for the replies and wake up calls.

 

I have told my husband that I have been attracted to someone I met through work, but I didn't tell him just how emotionally involved I had become. I could not bear to keep this from him, as I was in so much pain believing I was hurting him, so I don't even want to imagine what it would be like if the A went further. For that reason, it will not go further, no matter how much I wonder about "testing things out".

 

But that doesn't stop the pain. It feels like I am grieving a loss and I am taking it out on my kids.

 

I think I am at the anger stage now. I told the OM from the outset that I was married, that yes I had feelings for him, but I could not act on them. And yes, I am guilty of telling him how desirable I found him. I am angry that he kept pursuing me, despite NC; I am angry that he played the "you have broken me, I am nothing now" pity card on me. I am angry at myself for letting it get this far. I so want to let him know how angry he has made me and how he is screwing with my head but I can't break NC.

 

Sorry for re-hashing, but I need to let it out and wise advice from people who have been there and done that has been so valuable - thanks.

[anne1707]

You have done a good thing by telling your husband - how did he take this new?

 

You should both use this to get you talking to each other properly about what you need and want from this marriage. Find out what what you are missing and work on finding that with each other again. When my H and I did this, we found a book that really helped was Harley's "His needs, her needs"

[findingnemo]

Yes, sorry I am 37; been with my husband for 18 years.

 

OM believes we need to give it a shot to see if there is really something more than the physical attraction. He talks about a possible future, not just sex without commitment, and believes I should leave my marriage if I am not happy. But yes, I am ambivalent and I am sure this has made him hurt and angry. Part of me wants to see what it would be like with him (I am more inclined towards the sex without commitment - I know, wrong wrong wrong) but I also know I don't want to throw away my marriage. So I won't proceed and will just live with the fantasies.

 

You're right he does have anger issues and he is manipulating me, but why do I feel like the bad guy in this? I keep telling myself he is being selfish, he has nothing to lose, but I am a softie and feel so bad for hurting him. He is really in touch with his emotions and whenever we speak he really gets me, and I am going to miss that. He tells me I have broken him and he is worthless which makes me feel even more guilty - yes I know there's the manipulation.

 

Thanks for your replies. Just reading and writing is helping me to see that it is his problem and his way of dealing with this is not my concern anymore. He should respect my decision to work on my marriage; but still I want to message him to see if he is ok.

 

Aussie,

 

You haven't hurt OM. He knows you are M. He knows the risks. He is thinking right now that it will be impossible to get you if you still love your H. He also knows that no R is set in stone the first time two people feel an attraction to each other. That nonsense about trying to see if there is more between you is...nothing. He is a big boy. So don't worry about hurting him.

 

What are his feelings right now? He wants to get into your pants a.k.a. lust. Lust isn't a good enough reason to jeopardize your life. We are not simply talking about your M here. This is about your life as you know it. Pursuing this will bring WW3 into your home. Your kids will be affected, your parents and siblings, your H's parents and siblings, your family friends, you co-workers, etc.

 

And you're not the bad guy. Not yet. But if you act on those feelings, you will be become the bad person for sure. Nothing your H has done wrong will justify an A.

[weedsandposies]

Just think about this....

 

After the mad sex is over and the honeymoon period has reached its end, what are you going to be left with?

 

At best, "the same -old same old"....with the added pains of a messy divorce, kids broken up, etc..

 

Its a real problem as your intimacy issues are real and need not be ignored..Its the battle most that wiind up here fight with...I wish I had the answer to that.....I dont.

 

TFY

 

So true. I wish more people got this concept... same problems, different person.

[Praying4Peace]

So true. I wish more people got this concept... same problems, different person.

 

I don't know guys- I get this in terms of the 'no relationship is perfect' concept but some people are just better suited and more compatible than others.

 

It's when you think you've found perfection that there's a problem.

[dichotomy]

It sounds like this OM is already playing head games, being needy, drama, crap. Now add to this you say he is not really your type but there is some purely physical side going on. You screw this guy - and your going to have a male bunny bolier on your hands, stalking you and you family, banging on the living room window at 2 am in the morning - got the vision in your head? then stop. As it is I think he could cause you a problem now if you go NC. I would be worried.

 

I think you might have been in trouble of this guy was a cool cucumber and was just fine with some kind of pure sex FWB thing. Instead I think this guy can't handle what your giving - then pulling away now. Try to stop having sex with him and it is going to get messy.

 

I also echo what someone else asked - you confessed you were attracted to another man - and your husband did what? How strongly did you say this to him?

 

Lastly put your self on the other side. What if you found out your husband had been banging some gal for a long while, coming home and kissing you with lips that had been somewhere you don't want to think off..... or telling some gal how special she was, pretty and sexy, and giving him his time and energy to her.... how would you feel? I am not asking to punish you - but really asking how you would feel about this...

[AussieLady]

I also echo what someone else asked - you confessed you were attracted to another man - and your husband did what? How strongly did you say this to him?.

 

We've spoken about it twice, and he was of the opinion that it is normal to feel attraction to someone else, just don't act on it. He doesn't know the extent of the messaging or conversations I had with OM. I did tell him the OM made me feel things I shouldn't feel with anyone but my H, and he agreed we need to work on things - will look into His Needs, Her Needs.

 

I have got the message about not pursuing any PA with this guy! I am not going to throw my marriage away for this lust, not matter how good (insert many more thrilling verbs and adjectives) he tells me it is going to be. It is good to have it in writing (edited to say, Your messages and support, not OMs) so the times I am feeling vulnerable I can go back and read them. That doesn't stop the pain of NC though and that is something I need to work through.

 

Is it normal to feel guilty for hurting the OM? I know he is a big boy, but there is pain in his past and when he tells me no-one has made him feel the way I have and he is seeing a counsellor, I feel like I am breaking him into pieces.

 

I am not going to contact him (I have to not contact him and stop the mind games) and I am not going to pursue anything more with him, so thank-you for the support and encouragement.

 

I didn't believe I would ever fall into an EA or that it would be this hard to break away, but we live and learn. I don't know why I thought I would be able to walk away from even a just once, when you're right I can't have sex in a vacuum, it will affect my whole life.

 

I am glad I found this forum, thanks for helping me through this.

Edited May 25, 2013 by AussieLady
Clarifying, not going back to read his messages when I am feeling vulnerable.

[Clemenza]

Is it normal to feel guilty for hurting the OM? I know he is a big boy, but there is pain in his past and when he tells me no-one has made him feel the way I have and he is seeing a counsellor, I feel like I am breaking him into pieces.

 

I think it's normal to take ownership of someone's feelings when you care about that person and are involved in a complicated and hurtful situation.

 

I'm the OM in my situation, so consider that perspective. My MW has apologized a few times for "being the cause of (my) misery." I have kept telling her that she is not the cause of whatever pain I'm feeling. A person doesn't have the power to make me feel bad. Whatever I'm feeling is coming from within. I've tried to put on a strong exterior around her, as I have to see her at work, but she knows me so well and can sense the slightest changes in my moods. Then she starts feeling bad because she thinks she's hurting someone she loves and cares about. SHE isn't hurting me. The situation, though complicated and a catalyst for pain, isn't even the root of what's going on with me. I have a feeling that's the case for your OM, as well. I think he knows this, or will start to figure it out through counseling.

 

I love my MW, and may always have a small place for her in my heart, but heartbreak is usually rooted in how someone feels about themselves. So, though she's obviously very special to me, I have issues within myself that have led to me getting hurt. I'm in counseling largely to explore those issues.

Edited May 25, 2013 by Clemenza

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't know guys- I get this in terms of the 'no relationship is perfect' concept but some people are just better suited and more compatible than others.

 

It's when you think you've found perfection that there's a problem.

 

Yes...Very true...

 

I think the only problem with that theory is lust and "newness" tends to cloud and mask those potential "compatibility issues"...

 

Not to say that every situation is this way, but quite a few are..Many people get divorced more than once..

 

TFY

[AussieLady]

SHE isn't hurting me. The situation, though complicated and a catalyst for pain, isn't even the root of what's going on with me. I have a feeling that's the case for your OM, as well. I think he knows this, or will start to figure it out through counseling.

 

Thanks Clemenza, I needed to hear that and I so hope he figures it out as it is eating me up inside. The ache to take it to a PA is dwindling, but I still have the ache for feeling guilty for hurting him. I am finding it hard to deal with the "well at least you have someone to go home to, be happy about that", "I am worthless without you" etc. I want to tell him I am hurting too and he is not worthless, but I can't do that without breaking NC.

 

I keep typing out messages and then deleting, but part of me wishes I accidentally hit send.....my emotions are all over the place. I should be feeling guilty for what I have done to my husband not this other man who is messing with my head. Just have to take it hour by hour, day by day and hope the desire fades.

[Clemenza]

Thanks Clemenza, I needed to hear that and I so hope he figures it out as it is eating me up inside. The ache to take it to a PA is dwindling, but I still have the ache for feeling guilty for hurting him. I am finding it hard to deal with the "well at least you have someone to go home to, be happy about that", "I am worthless without you" etc. I want to tell him I am hurting too and he is not worthless, but I can't do that without breaking NC.

 

I keep typing out messages and then deleting, but part of me wishes I accidentally hit send.....my emotions are all over the place. I should be feeling guilty for what I have done to my husband not this other man who is messing with my head. Just have to take it hour by hour, day by day and hope the desire fades.

 

It's completely unfair of him to place the burden of how he's feeling on you. Just know that. It's understandable that he's hurt, but making you feel guilty about it is completely uncalled for. As strange as it sounds, I still really love and care about my MW. The last thing I want to do is blame her for my emotional state. I have a feeling her H is already doing that, and she doesn't need anybody else trying to make her feel like a bad person.

 

I just can't believe that, if he loves and cares about you, he would want to do that to you. Maybe it's just his way of trying to get attention, but it's completely juvenile and you deserve better. Don't feel like you're in the wrong here.

[broken11269]

Your story mirrors mine (age, kids, relationship with the H)...only I took the plunge with the OM. 3 1/2 yrs later, I'm now emotionally attached & truly love him. He put an end to things last week because he feels he can't move on with these deep feelings for me with no where to go. So my suggestion, break all ties now before this turns into something you can't control...unless your intent is to get out of your marriage. Trust me, you don't want to feel the way I do right now...I don't wish this feeling on anyone.

Edited May 26, 2013 by broken11269

[aliveagain]

I am on the other side of the door you are walking through. I am a betrayed spouse who has experienced the devastation of an OM. Each time OM pulls you further down the slippery slope the harder for you to recover. Imagine your sliding down this slope in slow motion, on the side of the hill you see your husband, sad and unable to do anything to help you as you wont take the arms he is holding out to you, you continue to slide until you can no longer see him. Further down the hill are your children, one just further down than the other, their arms aren't strong enough to hold you as you slide by. All the time the OM is in front of you clearing the path so nothing is left to impede your slide until you hit the bottom. What's at the bottom waiting for you? What's at the bottom of every cliff, rubble. Please excuse my bluntness but once you cross that line, you can't go back and un***k yourself. Do not spend one more second on this predator, change jobs if you have to because you will never get back what your about to loose. All your focus spent on this man who has no respect for your children or your husband is focus taken from them, stop it now. Tell your husband just how far you have allowed things to get, he needs the truth. Get yourself into IC, find out why you your looking for outside validation. Why have you stopped protecting your family for this fantasy? This may not be OM's first rodeo, he is not the prize, your family is.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the replies and wake up calls.

 

I have told my husband that I have been attracted to someone I met through work, but I didn't tell him just how emotionally involved I had become. I could not bear to keep this from him, as I was in so much pain believing I was hurting him, so I don't even want to imagine what it would be like if the A went further. For that reason, it will not go further, no matter how much I wonder about "testing things out".

 

But that doesn't stop the pain. It feels like I am grieving a loss and I am taking it out on my kids.

 

I think I am at the anger stage now. I told the OM from the outset that I was married, that yes I had feelings for him, but I could not act on them. And yes, I am guilty of telling him how desirable I found him. I am angry that he kept pursuing me, despite NC; I am angry that he played the "you have broken me, I am nothing now" pity card on me. I am angry at myself for letting it get this far. I so want to let him know how angry he has made me and how he is screwing with my head but I can't break NC.

 

Sorry for re-hashing, but I need to let it out and wise advice from people who have been there and done that has been so valuable - thanks.

 

Oh jeez,

 

I would guess that you feel guilty because you have needed something different from your husband, you know that it feels kinda empty there right now and here someone was willing to give it to you, and in your mind it feels after all this time "like a gift."

 

And now you are "shunning it" so you feel guilt. And you feel guilt over mixing up someone's emotional state over your own marital issues. Perhaps and unstated promise etc.

 

HOWEVER: nothing in this life is guaranteed. Especially for an OM pursuing a married woman. And frankly, he sounds like a major head-trip that you won't be able to see until you get a little further away from him. Honestly he sounds like a petulant child throwing a temper-tantrum to his mommy. Which honestly, as a Mom, sometimes triggers guilt in me, other times anger.

 

If you really "broke" this man, without even having made it physical yet, you can see already just how damn needy he can be. If he's not needy, he's damned manipulative. Oh.... yay.....

 

His affections aren't a "gift." They're more of a *FREE* gift.

 

*(may not include anything sensible and cost far more than FREE, much like a cable package where you get a FREE month but you have to pay a bunch of fees that they don't mention up front. An installation fee, a resolution fee, a box rental free, a remote fresh-batteries fee, a service fee, another tier they added on without telling you and now you have to pay it because you had access to the service. And if you want to cancel you need to pay another service or administrative fee on top of someone else having to come out and uninstall it fee. Followed by guilt-tripping by the company "you know that you are our valued customer. We offer the best cable in the state, high-quality you know, you'll never find anything like this with our competitors. Our cable adds quality to your life. Well......if you reaaaaalllllyyyy want to we'll disconnect it, but it'll only cost you more than three months of service, so you might as well keep the paid service for three months, right? What do you mean the math doesn't work. Of course it does. Okay, ma'am, well we can have someone over on the fifteenth of next month. But only between the window of 2 am and 430 am. Okay, that doesn't work for you? We also have the eighteenth, but that window is from 630 am to 1130pm and someone MUST be on the premises."

 

FREE, Ha!

 

Your OM makes a cable company like this seem like a fun place to deal with.

 

Sure it seems exciting, like a *FREE* month of cable (if you are a tv junkie, unlike myself) but then you find out *FREE* really means a severely restricted sense of freedom in your life and with your choices. Because everywhere you turn, there's a higher cost than what you were led to believe.

 

BUT most consumers today are wary of the word FREE* on things. They get it, there's supposed to be a manipulation or a sale in the future. The company wants you to take the FREE* and invest in something else you wouldn't have unless you got the FREE* thing to begin with.

 

So instead of grabbing the easy thing, what ELSE do you want to do?

 

You've got a lousy OM, and a husband you've been with for 18 years that seems not to "get it."

 

And kids, that you are mad at. But you are really mad at yourself and the other idiot and your husband too (neglecty, right). Kids are a pretty easy target, right? They can't really fight back and they have a bunch of pain-in-the-butt stressful behaviours, because their kids, right?

 

So, since you know the anger is there, what can you do?

Have you thought about some morning meditation?

Have you thought about shooting straight with your husband and putting some of that anger where it belongs. Have you told him, "Husband, I want us back on the same team! I miss feeling more together with you! I'm so damn angry about not being treated very well! And I'm even more angry that I could've done something (someone?) dumb and gotten some of that validation that I felt was missing. But I didn't do that and I get to see that those things that are so important to me still aren't going to be getting met. So in a sense, I feel like I gave up a chance to feel validated/special/attractive, whatever for someone that doesn't even want to try that. I feel like there isn't a whole bunch to look forward to! Could you please try to listen to what I am missing and needing. I'll do the same for you. I want us back on the same team!"

[dreamingoftigers]

Is it normal to feel guilty for hurting the OM? I know he is a big boy, but there is pain in his past and when he tells me no-one has made him feel the way I have and he is seeing a counsellor, I feel like I am breaking him into pieces.

 

Good Lord,

 

You haven't even made it physical with this guy and he's this messed up over it? How long did this go on for?

 

I once dated a guy for two dates. TWO DATES.

Or was it three? (Clearly he had a very profound effect on me)

 

Then I said I wasn't looking for a boyfriend right now. I just wasn't interested and had come out of a relationship and he knew that. He drove my in the cab home from my break-up, that's how we met and when he asked me out LOL.

 

He totally freaked! I had known him less than two weeks, talked on the phone a bit. And he was..... weird. We made out on date two (three?) a little bit, then he leaned over and sucked my thumb! (I know???? WTF????)

 

Anyhow, I was 19, he was 26. He took it very hard. He called me up for weeks crying and leaving these sobbing messages and hang ups. (Oh Gawd). He even stopped by my parent's house (Where he had dropped me off previously) (LOL to him dealing with my Dad at all). And from what I knew he didn't have major trouble getting dates, so I didn't get it at all. Slowly, the phone calls stopped. Then finally about six months later he left me this final message about having "gone to BC for a week to scream at the mountains" and that he was "finally over me."

 

And no, I am not saying that I am super-spectacular. I am not some goddessy-babe.

 

But something about him was really nuts to begin with or pushed him over that point. It REALLY wasn't my fault. At first I felt guilty. That didn't last long. Then I just felt like "Dude! Eff off!" It didn't even flatter me, it annoyed the Hell out of me that he put so much pressure on me after TWO (maybe three) dates. I mean, what was he expecting going around sucking thumb and all.

 

Your OM shouldn't have banked on ANYTHING without seeing signed divorce papers in your hand. COME ON. What is he? 16? Are you robbing the cradle?

 

It's good that this event got him into counseling. He sounds like he has some serious attachment issues. Ugh. Best of luck.

 

Good for you for stopping it before it went even further.

[Praying4Peace]

Why do you feel guilty about denying sex to this controlling angry man? DO you have difficulty in saying NO? Has that been an issue for you? Do you feel you must please others to be accepted?

 

You are standing at the precipice and if you fall the pain and turmoil will be a 1000 times worse.

 

If you had a daughter; and if you was about to get married.

 

If your daughter had to choose between a man like OM and a man like your H. Which one would you recommend?

 

Pierre- by your logic, she should go with OM bc she's a cheater too and her H should have someone who is not the female 'a man like OM'.

 

I think its important to see things as they are and then make a decision based on that. It seems strange to me to see posters calling OM

-angry

-controlling

-immature 16 year old

-manipulative

etc.

 

I do agree that he needs to not make you feel guilty. I would never want someone to be with me out of guilt. YUCK. But theres so much black and white thinking here- her H is 'perfect' because he didn't cheat and her OM is "trash' because he did cheat. Neither of them is perfect and that's why OP is having a hard time. She feels guilty all around because she's not listening to her inner voice...only she knows the truth about her marriage and her H and what her ultimate goal is.

 

It sounds like she wants to go rebuild with her H and leave the OM behind. It can be hard at first bc of the 'addiction' to another person. I would say- go NC and wait 6 months. Don't tell your H anything before that. Try and reconnect. You'll have a better assessment of what's real or fake in 6 months and what's doable or not doable. Go to a therapist who can listen to you and help you understand yourself.

 

If you get all riled up by some of the very specific posts (seriously people, some of you write like you've met and known the OM and his hateful tendencies in an up close and personal way) you'll realize later it didn't come from within. You were hanging on to someone elses depiction. If you go NC the truth will come to you....your M or him.

 

And for what its worth- seems like a no win situation for a man in love here. If its without sex- ewwww he's needy clingy and weird. Or, he's just trying to GET sex. If there's a PA- ewwww he just wants sex and is telling you what you want to hear.

 

Men have feelings too. But OP- your feelings are more important and don't feel guilty. You both have to do what's right for you.

[AussieLady]

LOL. Guys will say anything to get laid. You're old enough to know that by now.

 

Yeah I know, but ask me less than 48 hours ago and he probably would have got it if that was all he wanted. Smacking myself now! Don't flame me, I am walking away. Day 2 of NC.

 

Just as dichotomy said "I think you might have been in trouble if this guy was a cool cucumber and was just fine with some kind of pure sex FWB thing" (sorry don't know how to multi-quote from different posts).

 

My issue now isn't should I or shouldn't I - it's feeling so guilty for hurting him and wanting to make sure he is ok. I know though if I respond to him it will just spiral back out of control. I know I have to leave him alone to deal with the end of the A, but it hurts.