Dealing with a difficult man and difficult situacion. .

[forgetmenot75]

I met him early December. Just sex for him, I became attached pretty quick though. Even though he knew my feelings, he continued meeting me on a weekly basis.

He single, I'm married.

 

-He asked me to meet other man (because he wanted to know if I'd come back to him after that)

-I tried NC two times since December, only lasted 14 days and 10 days each time, first time he contacted me, last time kinda both of us.

-Its me the one who chases him (he told me one time he'll keep me around without me knowing...dont know what he wanted to mean)

-He's hot and cold, mostly cold, lately super cold as I became more needy with him.

-He seems always unavailable, couple days ago he didnt answer me for 24 hours, then answered like nothing.

-He says he's not ready for a relationship, he freaks out. He says he's suffered a lot with women.

-He says he wont become attached to me because I'll never be his, although I gave him clues I could get a divorce for him. I think he made excuses.

-I asked him I need to be important in his life, he replied "of course you're important for me"

-I'm tired and hurt, and I want this to change because it's not working for me.

 

I'm willing to do NC now. I haven't contacted him since Friday, last time we've been together. Not a text, nothing.

Today is hard, but I want to stay NC for my own sanity. I want to start something with him, something different, I'm getting a divorce soon he doesn't know this yet (I'll do it anyways), I want to heal and I want him to look for me. I hope this time will work. I'm looking for support here. Thanks.

[Goodbye]

I met him early December. Just sex for him, I became attached pretty quick though. Even though he knew my feelings, he continued meeting me on a weekly basis.

He single, I'm married.

 

-He asked me to meet other man (because he wanted to know if I'd come back to him after that)

-I tried NC two times since December, only lasted 14 days and 10 days each time, first time he contacted me, last time kinda both of us.

-Its me the one who chases him (he told me one time he'll keep me around without me knowing...dont know what he wanted to mean)

-He's hot and cold, mostly cold, lately super cold as I became more needy with him.

-He seems always unavailable, couple days ago he didnt answer me for 24 hours, then answered like nothing.

-He says he's not ready for a relationship, he freaks out. He says he's suffered a lot with women.

-He says he wont become attached to me because I'll never be his, although I gave him clues I could get a divorce for him. I think he made excuses.

-I asked him I need to be important in his life, he replied "of course you're important for me"

-I'm tired and hurt, and I want this to change because it's not working for me.

 

I'm willing to do NC now. I haven't contacted him since Friday, last time we've been together. Not a text, nothing.

Today is hard, but I want to stay NC for my own sanity. I want to start something with him, something different, I'm getting a divorce soon he doesn't know this yet (I'll do it anyways), I want to heal and I want him to look for me. I hope this time will work. I'm looking for support here. Thanks.

 

 

Sounds like you should get a divorce. Try and focus on moving ahead and out of your unhappy marriage. It does not sound like your AP wants you, frankly...married or not. So don't divorce for him, divorce for you because you are clearly unsatisfied in your marriage. Keep up your NC, stay busy, try and make yourself happy. After your divorce, many months from now, if you still carry a flame for this man, contact him and let him know your status. See what happens then. But for now, I don't see much promise outside of keeping up the NC and trying to heal yourself.

[lynn1954]

 

-I'm tired and hurt, and I want this to change because it's not working for me.

 

I'm willing to do NC now. I haven't contacted him since Friday, last time we've been together. Not a text, nothing.

Today is hard, but I want to stay NC for my own sanity. I want to start something with him, something different, I'm getting a divorce soon he doesn't know this yet (I'll do it anyways), I want to heal and I want him to look for me. I hope this time will work. I'm looking for support here. Thanks.

 

Hi, I have lots of sympathy and caring for you. I'm sorry that you're in this unhappy situation.

 

Absolutely stay with your plan of NC. Get him out of your life, don't even think twice about him again. He is not good for you.

 

Focus on getting your divorce 100% complete and handled, and do not contact the other guy during your divorce.

 

After your divorce is final, spend some time by yourself without any man. Get yourself healthy and happy again.

[forgetmenot75]

I am getting the divorce soon. My H already knows this. I have to deal with D-day AND with all this feelings I have for om.

What it hurts the most at this time is to know I've done everything for him to love me, and everything was pointless.

I felt for this guy, and he gave me nothing. I always was apologizing for being the way I am, he always made me feel worthless.

 

At this time I feel sad for myself, like many other times when I decided to go NC. I don't want to think he was a bad guy, and I don't want to think I was naive. I need to comfort myself at this time. I did what I could, and he also did what he could, given the circumstances.

 

Feeling that I was not loved, that I was disposable and unimportant is the worst. I just can't bear it, it breaks me in one thousand pieces.

[lynn1954]

Again, I'm so sorry you're hurting.

 

You need to see a therapist if you can afford one, or you need to read several self-help books to fix your feelings of being worthless.

 

Also, there is a song "according to You" by Orianthi, maybe you know it, it has great lyrics that fit your situation perfectly. So far the men in your life don't appreciate you, but hang on until you find someone who loves you for who you are.

 

According to you

I'm stupid,

I'm useless,

I can't do anything right.

According to you

I'm difficult,

hard to please,

forever changing my mind.

I'm a mess in a dress,

can't show up on time,

even if it would save my life.

According to you. According to you.

 

But according to him

I'm beautiful,

incredible,

he can't get me out of his head.

According to him

I'm funny,

irresistible,

everything he ever wanted.

[forgetmenot75]

thank you all for your kind words (and for the song, I absolutely loved it!)

 

Tomorrow has to be a better day. I've experienced this pain so many times since all this affair thing began more than 4 months ago, I'm just tired of feeling like this, grieving and suffering each time I decide not to see him anymore.

He has shown me many times he wanted this to end, but for some reason he couldn't break up with me (first NC I asked him to dump me, which he did, because he said he was in love with another woman, but then it was me the one who wanted this to end). Now I guess he'll be happy I'll leave him alone without demanding him to see me, or reciprocate me.

 

My life's a complete mess right now, I can't focus and he is on my mind 99% of the time. Tomorrow has to be better, I need to forget him for now.

[Praying4Peace]

I met him early December. Just sex for him, I became attached pretty quick though. Even though he knew my feelings, he continued meeting me on a weekly basis.

He single, I'm married.

 

-He asked me to meet other man (because he wanted to know if I'd come back to him after that)

-I tried NC two times since December, only lasted 14 days and 10 days each time, first time he contacted me, last time kinda both of us.

-Its me the one who chases him (he told me one time he'll keep me around without me knowing...dont know what he wanted to mean)

-He's hot and cold, mostly cold, lately super cold as I became more needy with him.

-He seems always unavailable, couple days ago he didnt answer me for 24 hours, then answered like nothing.

-He says he's not ready for a relationship, he freaks out. He says he's suffered a lot with women.

-He says he wont become attached to me because I'll never be his, although I gave him clues I could get a divorce for him. I think he made excuses.

-I asked him I need to be important in his life, he replied "of course you're important for me"

-I'm tired and hurt, and I want this to change because it's not working for me.

 

I'm willing to do NC now. I haven't contacted him since Friday, last time we've been together. Not a text, nothing.

Today is hard, but I want to stay NC for my own sanity. I want to start something with him, something different, I'm getting a divorce soon he doesn't know this yet (I'll do it anyways), I want to heal and I want him to look for me. I hope this time will work. I'm looking for support here. Thanks.

 

 

I haven't read all of the replies to your post yet- just a few of them and I have to say I am totally confused at the advice you are getting!

 

Let's say your OM was posting here, rather than you. From what I've read so far on LS (which is a ton) this is how the posting would go- "Im single, she's married...she hints at Divorce but of course I'm not going to ask her to leave her marriage...I feel like a side dish...we institute NC and I broke it the first time...I am so into her...what should I do bc she's married and unavailable by definition".

 

Standard Response: "She's cake eating. She will never leave her marriage. She doesn't care about you, only herself. You've been hurt so many times, you can do so much better. Go NC with her."

 

Standard Advice if you continue the A: "Don't always be available and answer her calls, go cold on her sometimes so she can see what she's missing, do NOT ask her to leave her marriage for you even if she drops hints (bc she should leave bc she's done with the marriage"

 

SO how is he a bad person?

 

Meanwhile the advice to you is that he doesn't care. What if you both care and are just both protecting yourselves? Am I making any sense?

 

My advice: Tell him how you feel. Don't hint about D. Think about it and let him know. If you need time tell him you are going NC to be fair to him and not bc you don't care. You are doing it bc you DO care. Tell him a timeline. Then see what happens.

[ThatJustHappened]

All of this because you wanted to beloved?

 

I suggest you give up that quest.

 

I assume you mean that she should give up the quest to be loved by this particular man, and not by men or people in general? Because that would be a pretty cruel thing to say...

[forgetmenot75]

Pierre: yes, ALL of this because I wanted to be loved, because I wanted to be loved by HIM. Is it not common to give all for love, although this is a mistake?

 

Praying4Peace: your reply is greatly appreciated. It clarifies me some things. Once he told me I should see things from his perspective. I was asking him too much and he tried to protect himself. He said this to me several times.

He is not a bad person, I don't hate him at all. I hate his so nice with me, makes me love him more, and makes me feel helpless because he's not with me. speaking about our relationship, he said last week: "No one wins at this scenario". He's right.

He knows my feelings, he knows I love him, he knows I miss him like crazy, he knows I want to be with him all the time. However, he walks away from me. Several times he said to me he's not ready for a relationship, AND he's been in "love" with other lady that doesn't care about him.

On the other side, he repeatedly asked me to date other men. I met a guy last week, following his advice, and then he went completely cold when I told him everything was good with the other guy. (I'm not gonna talk about my marriage here, it's completely over and we're separated, though not divorced yet)

I'm scared if I pursue NC he'll assume I moved on for good. I honestly don't know what to do right now. Three days NC already, I don't want to make anymore mistakes.

Edited April 15, 2013 by forgetmenot75

[Quiet Storm]

On the other side, he repeatedly asked me to date other men. I met a guy last week, following his advice, and then he went completely cold when I told him everything was good with the other guy.

 

In my opinion, men that love you don't tell you to date other men. He should be happy that you are separated and want to begin a "legitimate" relationship with you.

 

It sounds like he is encouraging you to meet other men because he doesn't want to feel responsible for your pain. If you move on to another man, he will feel less guilty about hurting you.

 

I agree that he doesn't see you as relationship material. He probably never thought you'd leave your marriage and saw your relationship as a convenient way for both of you to get your needs for sex/romance/ companionship met. You got what you were missing from your husband, and he got the benefits of having a woman without any of the responsibility.

 

It sounds like you viewed the relationship as having the potential to progress to a "real" relationship, and were taking steps to make that happen. It doesn't seem as though he felt the same way.

 

I also suggest counseling. You need to find a way to be happy and content without a man. They can also help you find healthy ways to cope with your emotions.

[forgetmenot75]

Yes, quiet storm, I also think this way. Meeting another men would relieve him to have to deal with my feelings. I also think that he may encouraged me to do so to see if I'd came back to him. now this second hypothesis is not that strong since he never gave me a clue he loved me in any way, quite the opposite.

Today I'm struggling with my feelings. I know it's not him, it's something inside me that's not quite fine. I feel lonely, desperate, I have withdrwan symptoms (even though much ago I stopped expecting things from him- first he stopped texting me, then he stopped calling me "sweetie", then he stopped to ask to see me...it was a very slow but noticeable change.

I have all my emotions misplaced right now, I hope tomorrow will be better.

I have counselor in half an hour, that will also help. I'm doing all the right things to heal.

And with this NC thing, I think he'll be relieved. Last weeks were difficult. At least I'm giving him some relief, and time for me to heal properly.

[forgetmenot75]

I need to vent. I'm feeling like an addicted to heroin, need my dose to function. this is really hard to handle, maybe more than the other times I did NC.

He's disappeared from the internet. I know I shouldn't, but I looked at the sites he frequented, he hasn't been online for the last 3 days, just after seeing me on Friday. now I imagine he's seeing someone else, or that the woman he's in love with finally reciprocated him and they are happy together. ugh So much pain, so much!

 

My counseling went good, I left feeling strong, and somehow happy, but after a few hours, I started to miss him very much. I stay strong. tomorrow will be better. I'll try not to look for him on the internet. This is so hard.

[forgetmenot75]

This is my 4th day NC and Im using this thread as some kind of diary.

While I still looked for him online this morning, I'm NC. He appeared on an on line site we both frequent, but I didn't go online. He also signed in in another dating site he visits every day. So, he's been disappeared for almost 3 days, now he has resume his routine of visiting dating sites. I'll try to diminish my stalking between today and tomorrow. My goal is not to see whats hes doing online anymore.

 

I have mixed emotions today. On one hand I think he has some feelings for me but he doesn't want to be hurt, so he hides them. He's struggling because Im still married and because he has some issues (fear of commitment, fear to be hurt again, fear of emotional intimacy...)

But on the other hand, I think he's relieved I've disappeared for good, and now he doesn't have to be worried about me anymore. He might think I've already moved on, or not. Who cares.

 

I truly want to move on though. This is like a nightmare, and I want to wake up. I don't want to suffer anymore, I need to continue with my life, I have so much things to do, and at this moment I can't because Im grieving him. So unfair, he continued with his life, as always, and Im here, still stuck with this pain, and with the pain of a divorce.

I hope tomorrow will be better. Im positive.

[forgetmenot75]

Day 5 NC. I'm feeling very low today. I'm in an emotional rollercoaster. I feel ok, then I feel very sad, then I feel angry, then I want to cry. When this will stop?

I need to be OK again, and I dont want to feel like this anymore.

[Shabelle]

I haven't read all of the replies to your post yet- just a few of them and I have to say I am totally confused at the advice you are getting!

 

Let's say your OM was posting here, rather than you. From what I've read so far on LS (which is a ton) this is how the posting would go- "Im single, she's married...she hints at Divorce but of course I'm not going to ask her to leave her marriage...I feel like a side dish...we institute NC and I broke it the first time...I am so into her...what should I do bc she's married and unavailable by definition".

 

Standard Response: "She's cake eating. She will never leave her marriage. She doesn't care about you, only herself. You've been hurt so many times, you can do so much better. Go NC with her."

 

Standard Advice if you continue the A: "Don't always be available and answer her calls, go cold on her sometimes so she can see what she's missing, do NOT ask her to leave her marriage for you even if she drops hints (bc she should leave bc she's done with the marriage"

 

SO how is he a bad person?

 

Meanwhile the advice to you is that he doesn't care. What if you both care and are just both protecting yourselves? Am I making any sense?

 

My advice: Tell him how you feel. Don't hint about D. Think about it and let him know. If you need time tell him you are going NC to be fair to him and not bc you don't care. You are doing it bc you DO care. Tell him a timeline. Then see what happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree, this is the right thing to do

[forgetmenot75]

I'm sorry, I'm a little confused now. could please clarify me what to do next? Tell him again that I love him but that I'll leave him alone? Or just continue NC?

 

This is what had happened last week, just you get an idea of how the relationship was until last week:

 

-I was out of the country for 14 days. He didn't contact me, me neither

-when I got back, I signed in in our online site (kinda Facebook), he asked me how was the trip.

-Met him next day, because I wanted to. He had no pressure to see me. He told me he had to wake up early next morning so he told me go home after sex. I begged him to stay with him, he freaked out: "Im not ready for this kind of relationship, I dont want anybody to stay in my home"

-Next morning I asked him to please dump me, that I needed to move on. He did it, he texted me: "I wanted to thank you for every smile, every hug, I wish you all the best, take care". I got angry at him after this, and told him he was breaking me in pieces. He was surprised of my reaction.

-Next day I texted him that I didnt want to break with him. He told me he was not good at this, that he was getting attached too (?). He asked me to see my other guy.

-Two days later he texted me to see how was everything with the other guy. I said it was ok, that we kissed, and I sent him a pic of the other guy.

-After this, he went NC for more than 24 hours. I called him twice, no answer. Just one text saying "hold on..." and never replied to my texts.

-That night I asked him why he was not answering me, he replied "Im here!". I called him and we ended having sex, but after sex he became cold and wanted to leave. No chit chat this time, he even didnt want to kiss me. He was scared someone could see us, he was uncomfortable.

-Same night, later on, he checked my profile.

-NC

 

This is a brief resume. Now, could someone please tell me if I should contact him again or not? I love him, he knows this, but he may be thinking Im with the other guy right now. this is hurting so much.

 

**I'd like to add that he's a very handsome and seductive guy, almost irresistible, and that he probably has no problems finding other women, and he's active in various dating sites (he's single, he can do whatever he wants, right?).**

Edited April 17, 2013 by forgetmenot75
I missed something

[forgetmenot75]

Day 6 NC.

Everything seemed so surreal this morning when I got up. My first thought was that he was not with me anymore, and I felt bleak and dizzy.

I signed on our online site, at the same moment he signed in too. He signed off then, I signed off then. Moments later I saw him signed in again, but he couldn't see if I was online or not. He didn't try to contact me, me neither.

Was it just sex? Now I can see it more clear. I got attached so quickly, he remained unpolluted, or he hided his feelings very well (he said to me once: I will never become attached to you, and if I become, I'll never admit it).

He told me so many times: "What am I gonna do with you?" I should have answered then;"Love me!", but I remained silent.

 

Today everything seems so distant. Yesterday I was about to text him, then I thought, no, let's wait until tomorrow. And tomorrow is today, and I don't see any reason to call him now. Surprisingly, I don't want to cry, I feel far away from everything now.

[forgetmenot75]

I wonder if I'm writing in the right place...they all seem to be OW in a relationship with MM, which is not my case. the subforum of infidelity doesn't seem to fit either :S

I used to write in docool but it's now closed. Anyone could give me some advice, please? I don't want to write in the wrong place...Thank you

[Praying4Peace]

Hi Forgetmenot,

 

This is probably the right place to post.

 

From what you've written it seems that any problems in your relationship have to do with commitment on his end, right? He has issues of SOME sort- he doesn't want to get attached, etc (or maybe this is just a 'line').

 

I guess my question would be to him as follows: I am getting mixed signals from you. Sometimes you seem uninterested and want me to date others. I don't want to be with a man who wouldn't care if I dated others. At other times you seem like you are holding back and trying not to get too attached to me because it woud be harmful to you. My question to you is- how much of this has to do with the fact that I am married? How do you think our relationship would be different if I was single and not dating anyone else. Please think about this and respond in a few days. DO NOT ask him to respond right there on the spot bc he seems all over the place.

 

It might have nothing to do with your marital status. He might just enjoy playing games and figured if you were married he wouldn't have to commit. What do you think?

[forgetmenot75]

Yes you are in the right place.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I don't know what else to say.

 

You are the only one who has the power to get off the crazy train. Spurts of NC won't do it, it has to be full on NC, finished, done, over. If it takes getting into therapy to help you, then you should start now. The need to feel loved is normal, but when you hurt yourself, your husband and your marriage to get that, something is out of balance.

 

Thank you, Ladygrey.

[forgetmenot75]

Hi Forgetmenot,

 

This is probably the right place to post.

 

From what you've written it seems that any problems in your relationship have to do with commitment on his end, right? He has issues of SOME sort- he doesn't want to get attached, etc (or maybe this is just a 'line').

 

I guess my question would be to him as follows: I am getting mixed signals from you. Sometimes you seem uninterested and want me to date others. I don't want to be with a man who wouldn't care if I dated others. At other times you seem like you are holding back and trying not to get too attached to me because it woud be harmful to you. My question to you is- how much of this has to do with the fact that I am married? How do you think our relationship would be different if I was single and not dating anyone else. Please think about this and respond in a few days. DO NOT ask him to respond right there on the spot bc he seems all over the place.

 

It might have nothing to do with your marital status. He might just enjoy playing games and figured if you were married he wouldn't have to commit. What do you think?

 

I think you're right. He might enjoy playing games. But it's very destructive. Maybe he's hurting me (unintentionally perhaps) as much as the other women had hurt him in the past. Who knows. Maybe he's always been like this. What I can say is that he's not empathetic of my feelings.

I'm scared to break the NC right now, because it's the only thing that keeps me in a position of strength. I'm scared of writing him something and he just mocking of me. I may let some more days to pass, at least one more week. I feel very weak right now, not prepared for an answer from him.

But it's true. He likes playing games, although he doesn't like to admit it, or he doesn't realize what he's doing with me.

[forgetmenot75]

Day 8 NC. this has been a horrible trip so far.

While I maintain NC, I cannot stop for looking what he's doing online. He's been pretty active on our online site, adding new women as friends, liking their pictures, and receiving "presents" and who knows how many emails.

I wonder why he does this, knowing I'm there too. It hurts a lot.

He didn't try to contact me once, which is understandable since I'm still "married" and he doesn't know about my decision.

He's flirting like crazy, and he is having quite a success. I think this is over for him. He must be thinking I'm with the other man. I, on the other hand, cant move on. Is he doing this to make me jealous? Why? I just can't think.

I feel so much pain, sometimes it's unbearable and I have to stop and breath.

I need to change my strategy, stop stalking him, and continue with my life. Just looking what he's doing with all the other women makes me sick and wanting to throw up.

Saddest thing is I love him so much, and I miss him terrible, but I just can't contact him, I just can't.

More than one week had passed, he thinks I already moved on, he's not doing any effort to keep me, he's flirting...When he will start missing me so much he will have to contact me? Knowing him, I honestly don't think that will happen, he'll never contact me again. This is terrible sad.

[forgetmenot75]

He just broke no contact by messaging me a smiley face. I didn't reply yet, and this was 2 hours ago. I don't know what to do now, I need some advice, please.

[DelusionalOne]

Read your post from yesterday.... the pain you felt.

 

I know how you feel right now. Validated. Happy even. He contacted you. He must love you. He must miss you. Maybe.... but does it change anything? Will it change anything or in a week/month will you feel the way you did yesterday?

 

When I got my first significant "breadcrumb" at 9 days....the hardest thing I ever did was delete it and not respond.

 

By not responding you are risking him not contacting you again. That could be a good thing or a bad thing for you.

 

No one here can decide what you should do or what is best for you. What do you want? Do you want to start up again? Do you want to move on for good?

 

You need to decide what you want. Once you decide what you want, that will dictate what you do next.

Edited April 21, 2013 by DelusionalOne
typo

[forgetmenot75]

Ugh I'm really struggling. I want him back so bad but something prevents me for answering. What is it? Why I cant just answer? I feel guilty I'm not answering him.

This is really painful. I love him so much, I stopped talking to him 9 days ago, he must be thinking I already moved on...but I just can't answer him! I feel so bad!

 

Yesterday he signed in in the site we met. It's the first time in 4 months. He signed in to check on me, because I told him I met the other man there.

He's showing interest, ugh I'm really struggling I want him back.