Affair is destroying me, but can't let go

[Broken Twin]

Hi - I have been having an affair with the most amazing man for 6 months. I think it needs to end as we've fallen in love, totally & utterly.

The pain of the situation & the problems it causes is getting unbearable for us both.

We had the most amazing time last Sunday, beautiful, sacred & I didn't want to leave him.

Everything feels so right when we're together, like time stands still, like there is no one else in the world, even if we're in a crowded place, it's just us.

The energy between us in unreal. We have connected on every level, spiritually, intellectually, physically & sexually.

We are addicted to one another, inspire & motivate one another.

It's the most amazing relationship I've ever had. He's the only man that's ever taken the time to really understand me, he just 'gets' me & vice versa.

 

My husband became so distant & uninterested in me at the start of this year, but he's never been affectionate or loving tbh... I feel like I was pushed toward my affair.

I tried so hard to make things 'better' at home. But got nothing back. In the end I just thought I'd give up... I was in contact with my affair partner at the time, we hadn't been intimate at this point, just talked. He was supporting me & I was grateful for him. He made me feel better.

I pushed the sexual side of things, I thought that's all it would be tbh... Little did I know we'd end up here, in such pain.

We've talked & messaged on & off for 4 years just as friends. Then things only became physical in July this year.

I feel as though I'm totally in love with him & he is the same. We pine for each other. Right now I feel physically sick, my body hurts, I feel as though we are one & he has been ripped from me when we're going though 'trying to break it off stage' - which we have been through a lot now. Does anyone else have that feeling?? My chest & my stomach feel like I've been winded or punched... It's awful.

One of us always seems to crumble when we try to break away from one another... We make each other so weak, then we are back in it again. It's like an addiction.

He knows me better than any man has before, he makes me feel so good, we motivate each other so much, balance each other...

Anyway, last night we were talking till early hrs over text, we both said it has to end as much as we love each other, it's getting to painful & every time we meet we get deeper & deeper into this thing. He said he can't wait around for me forever & he can't take the upset anymore.

 

I've cried all night. I'm in bed now, 10am, I don't want to eat or see anyone. I feel like I'm dying. I have children & I feel like the worse mum right now. I'm so distracted. The house is a mess. I feel so desperate & depressed.

I'm sorry if this sounds dramatic, but I feel destroyed. We both feel it.

He is single, lives alone, so in a way it makes it harder knowing he's there waiting.

He wanted me to end it with husband, but financially I can't do this now & I worry the children will suffer. But neither of us are happy - husb & I.

I suspect he, husband, is poss having an affair too ...another reason I sought attention & love from someone else. But he denies it when i ask, of course.

 

I just don't know if I can let go of this affair.

I don't think my husb loves me, I just can't keep trying to make it work with him, I'm exhausted & he makes little or no effort.

The thought of sex with him makes me want to cry too! When we have been intimate, not recently, I have cried & felt sick after. Like I'm cheating on my affair! Crazy.

I just want my baby... How can I give him up??? I love him so much.

But I know I can't keep him hanging on & sooner or later a will get found out then I may loose my husband - which, if I had means to look after me & children also if i knew children would be ok - then I wouldn't care if he went!

This is such a mess. I feel so so down in a dark place.

Any support or kind words would be greatly appreciate I feel so alone.

I'm going to loose my twin, my heart, the other half of me & it's killing me.

Thanks - BrokenTwin

[Henni]

Hello. I don't know if i'm the right person to give advise, but I am in a similar situation, except I am the unmarried one, and the MM i've been with is the one who has faced your tough decisions. I have tried to calm the passion and asked him to think seriously, make a pro-contra list, not to rush into divorce, to figure out practicalities. I equate this kind of hard work with whether or not there is any future. Passion will reduce with time, always, but being willing to do the hard work is what makes or breaks a relationship, I think. If you love him so much, then why not spend your time today trying to figure out the practicalities, make a list of the pros and cons of staying or going, think of how you might support your kids, what it would all mean? Doing nothing will make you miserable, I think you need to try and get off the passion wagon and put in the hard work of figuring out what you really want and how you might realistically go about behaving in a way that leads to what you want. If you are not financially secure now, then how might you be in the future? Do you think, realistically, that you and your H might be happier apart? Do you think you could work towards an amicable solution that would be ok for you, your kids, and your husband and AP? How? Get working, not crying. It's the only way to stop yourself going crazy. I send you a hug, that hole that love causes in your stomach is immense.

[woinlove]

Broken, you posted in the OW/OM forum, so most posters are going to be or have been in the position of your OM, involved with a MW or MM.

 

What you write is extreme, about being destroyed, not wanting to get out of bed, being too distracted to be a present parent. You could benefit from counselling.

 

The basic choices you have are to continue both your M and the secret A, to end the A, to end the M, or to end both. You say you cannot divorce and you cannot end the A, so that means you are choosing both the M and the A, even though you say it is destroying you. I suspect one of the other choices, ending your M or ending the A or ending both would make you much happier over the long run. But you have to decide that yourself.

 

As for children, you are sitting on an explosive situation. When such deep deception is brought into their home, sometimes children are affected for decades afterward and have trouble trusted and feeling secure. So for your children as well, I think a different choice than the one you are currently making would be better. Any of the other options, I think would be preferable to the current one, which I believe places them at high risk.

[Broken Twin]

Thank you both for the replies. I'm sorry, I didn't realise I posted in wrong forum :/

I know I need to stop & clear my head of all the passion drama etc... Very hard to do as I'm feeling so emotional right now.

I'm usually such a strong person, as is my OM, this situation has caught us so of guard.. Unexpected. I guess this would be the case for lots of us.

 

Henni, a few months back he said same to me as you've said - I need to sort out my situation at home & we should be sensible about this, cool things off for a while. let me work things out without the mad crazy new love fogging my brain... so easy to say.. I tried, but missed him & he missed me... Etc etc... & we were back into it again. That's how it seems to go.. This time does feel different though. I think we both know it has to end, for now at least. I just hope we can be stronger this time.

 

What you said makes a lot of sense, I was in bed, feeling sorry for myself, but after reading your post I got up lol. So thank you, I guess I just need support from people that understand, so thanks again

 

Their is so much pain involved in affairs, I would never wish this on anyone! Would never have embarked on this if I'd known...

This man is 14 years older than me, lots more life exp, I remember back in June him saying if we start something it will be dangerous, people will get hurt, but me thinking I know better, being a silly little girl in lots of ways, didn't listen & here we are.

 

Woinlove, thank you for replying. my children's mental well being is of utmost importance to me & I'm aware that this could damage them if they got to know about it... My eldest is 11 & I know he has picked up on certain unhappy vibes... They no nothing of this other man... But even the unbalance in the house is affecting them I can see it, although it was present before this affair/relationship... Mainly due to HB being so distant & my resentment for him building.

I know they could develop major issues if this came out in the open.. My father had affairs, so I know only too well.

I think counselling is a good suggestion, because I don't think I can get back from this without help. I need to say too, I'm not in bed all day, the past 2 days I've not got dressed, got friends to take children to school.. But up & doing mum things by time they're home. My youngest is in bed with me or playing. I didn't mean to make you concerned about the children. But thank you for your concern sorry if this is rambling ... I do ramble a fair bit!

 

I can't see a life without my OM, the hole this pain leaves is truly eminence Henni yes!

 

OM, works nights, so he's not up yet... Will be in an hour or so.

I'll be checking my phone every 2 minutes for him, which is our main source of comm..email, text etc...

The way we left things last night or this am should I say, was that we have to stop. We can't keep hurting & we have to cut all ties.

I'm not going to contact him now, if he contacts me I will struggle not to reply... But I just have to wait I guess & be strong for both of us if he does contact. I love him so much I don't want him to hurt anymore

 

I've planned a cinema trip this weekend with the kids to get us out & so I can focus on them... Whist distracting myself & I know I shouldn't say it coz it's backtracking again... But I just wish he was going with us, he was desp to meet my children, I was desp for them to meet him, dreamed of it so much.

He says it was all a fantasy, said that last night, all our plans etc.. which kills me to hear.

I know he's hurting so much & that's killing me.

 

I would just like to say that I'm so sorry for the pain you ladies are experiencing, it's truly awful. Affairs are awful.

 

Are you still in your situations now?

[MissBee]

Hi Broken,

 

I can imagine your situation and since this is the OW/OM forum, most know the situation from the side of your OM. When he said all your dreams were a fantasy, I can relate to his feelings. It's true. An affair is not a sustainable entity for most. If you are inlove, you naturally want a life with this person in the open. A thread on here was talking about benefits of being the "public partner" and your situation, even from your side, explains how an open relationship is so much more than what you can offer your OM now. He wanted to meet your kids and do normal, open, couple things and grow your relationship....not just enjoy your "sacred love" secretly.

 

When you have secret love it often has to be sequestered from other important things in your life, thus fueling the fantasy and frustration that it is not "real". The romantic feelings alone cannot sustain anyone and I think most people in As feel that. I certainly did. As much as I loved him....it got really frustrating and felt plain stupid to continue on and on forever just being inlove and feeling feelings and spending some time together but never fully being incorporated into his life. So that's what your OM means by fantasy. He's realizing that unless an open situation occurs, then what do you really have?

 

I second the counseling suggestion, just so that you can begin to see your options. Do you live in America? I ask because you keep saying your kids will have nothing if you leave your husband and I'm wondering how true is that...legally he is required to support your kids no matter if you guys are together or not or if he likes you or not. Does your husband love your kids? I also ask, because if he does, even if he hates you, he would not make your kids suffer because of his dislike for you. So if that's all you're worried about re: divorce, then it may not be as extreme as you think. Yes life will change, yes it won't be easy but surely not impossible. Yes your kids will be affected, either way. How is your home life with your husband? Do you guys not speak?

[Ladydrib]

Broken Twin, you already know you're in a huge mess. It's why you say it's going to destroy you. And if you don't stop it now, it can and probably will destroy you.

 

First of all, stop thinking about how "perfect" this man is. By doing so, you are making it harder for yourself to leave, and when either he leaves you, or you finally figure out you way out of it, you are going to hurt a lot more as a result of programming your mind to constantly think of how perfect he is. And I'm sure hr seems really perfect. Especially if you've been unhappy in your marriage. You're vulnerable. It made you feel alive again, a feeling you've probably done without for quite a while.

 

Take it one step at a time. You probably should get out of both the affair and your marriage, but you need to start by focusing your energy on ending the affair.

 

Get that idea out of your head that you two might end up together. That's s very damaging thought and is probably what holds you hostage (emotionally speaking) to this affair. You're just going to have to suffer the pain. I'm sorry to tell you, but you have gotten yourself onto a ledge in which you have no choice but to jump head on into pain. Any way you turn at this point will create pain. Even if (and this example is highly unlikely) but even if you and you MM end up together - that will be painful because you'll have to leave behind other major parts of your life and under bad circumstances. You'll have to deal with his ex. You'll never fully trust him. All kinds of pain. And that's probably the option you'd most prefer. And I probably only scratched the surface of pain you'd go through in that example.

 

The point is, there is no way around it now. You may as well take the route you can control and that is based on wise decisions. This route is the most likely one to get you to a place of healthy happiness. That route is to leave the affair, untangle the mess, pick yourself up, and move on.

[2sure]

This cannot possibly be good for Your kids. Please reconsider divorce.

[KathyM]

I would suggest that you leave your husband. Nevermind about the finances. I assume you can file for child support and you are yourself employable. I'm thinking you just don't want to be the one to cause the broken home for your children, but you already have. You may still be living there, but your heart is not there in the marriage or in your home life. Your heart is pining away for the OM. You would be doing your husband a favor by leaving him. He deserves more than to have a wife who is in love with someone else and who is spending/wasting his life through deception. He deserves to live an honest life with a woman who loves him. That isn't you. You've let the horse out of the barn, and now you need to ride it away.

[alexandria35]

This Romeo and Juliet romance you are describing is not based on love. It's all fantasy and addiction. You sound like you are going to die if the affair ends, yet you have only been with him for 6 months. The feelings of being physically ill, not wanting to even get out of bed, or take care of your children, that's called withdrawl, not love.

 

I once had a similar relationship though it wasn't an affair. At the time I thought it was all about him. He wasn't married but he was very emotionally volitile which made our relationship unpredictable and kept me on a emotional rollercoaster. It took me a long long time to realize that while on some level and some point I did develop a true and lasting love for him, for the most part and especially for the first couple of years most of my angst and drama over him was due to a powerful addiction to how he made me feel. It was probably at least two years in before I could honestly say I loved him truly for himself and not just because of the intense emotions he triggered in me. Real lasting love takes a lot more than chemistry and passion. This has only been going on for 6 months, and it's being built on deceit and lies. Doesn't sound like a foundation for anything lasting to me.

 

Your fantasy man would like nothing better than to see your marriage destroyed and your children's lives turned upside down for his own gain. What does that say about him? I'm not saying your marriage should or should not end, but there is a right way and a wrong way to go about doing things. Suddenly walking out on a marriage due to a six month affair doesn't sound right to me. If your marriage needs to end then your mind needs to be 100% on your children and their wellbeing not lost in the clouds thinking about some fantasy life you're going to have with the OM. Chances are that once the OM has wooed you away from your husband and won the game, his interest in you will wane and he will have second thoughts about taking on a woman with children who he knows is capable of dishonesty and cheating.

 

You need counselling. You need to explore what makes you happy and what the holes are inside of you that allowed you to use an affair to fill those empty spaces. I'm sorry but I can't see you ever being happy with the affair partner or your husband until you learn what is missing inside of you.

[Decisiontomake]

Sorry you are experiencing such heartache. If I were as clear as you are that I did not want to be with my husband, then I would leave. It seems as though you've made your mind up on that part of your problem. Finances and logistics can be worked on - the feelings of despair and all the other things you describe are not so easy until you take action on them. Is that the only thing that's keeping you in your marriage, or are there any feelings left for your husband?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't know about the viability of your affair, but I truly think you need to get a divorce. A household like the one you describe is no place for children to grow up.

 

Deal with that first and see where the rest of your life goes from there.

[veryhappy]

I'm a fMOW and I will give you a hard time, because you are behaving like a classic MM who promises to leave and won't.

 

You say your love is unlike any other. He offered to be with you and got tired of waiting. Instead of understanding how hard it is for him and let him go because you have nothing to offer, you want to keep both M and A because you want the best of both worlds.

 

Let me tell you how your OM is feeling. Rejected, led on, deceived, second place. You tell him he's perfect, and how bad your husband is, and how he's husband cheated on you; and yet you choose this much more imperfect man over him. That messes badly with someone's head.

 

Your M is a big lying facade. You don't want yo be there, your H is a serial cheater. Sounds like a fairy tale to fight for.

 

How do you end the affair? You accept that you are hurting OM and if your love is so sacred, show him you love him and let him go. Love is not continuing to hurt him by keeping the A.

 

You can't have both M and A. Let go of at least one and go through the pain. Yes, it's horrible and depressing, but just postponing it doesn't solve anything.

 

You are making a choice not to be with your AP. It is a choice and you need to deal with the consequences of letting him go.

Edited November 9, 2012 by cutedragon

[Artie Lang]

divorce your husband!

 

you are so far up in the clouds, you don't know up from down.

 

i also recommend counseling-- you're gonna need it! you're gonna need support when the ground beneath you crumbles.

Edited November 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[whichwayisup]

Please do not introduce your kids to this OM, that's really unfair and cruel to do to them, let alone to your husband. I'm sure you wouldn't like it if your H is actually having an affair too, if he brought the OW around your children! It's just not right......

 

It's time to come clean and tell your husband the truth. You assume he's cheating because you are.

 

You need to either go to marriage counseling and fix things with your husband and end your A, or divorce. doing what you're doing now is messing you up.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

You are addicted to your AP because of an ego feed. Attention. It's not love and its wrong.

 

You have neglected your marriage and family for another man.

 

You don't have to get a divorce. You can work on your marriage. You have a major responsibility in why this marriage is crumbling. Own up to it.

 

My marriage was all but done after my affair. I didn't love my husband and I felt he was wrong for me. Everyone else agreed. Then God showed up and gave us another chance.

 

Don't give up. Selfishness and pride led to this affair but don't let it destroy it.

 

You marriage can be saved and those feelings of love that you once had for your husband can return. But, its up to you. Up to you.

[Artie Lang]

is it me, or are the intro's all the same-- "in an affair with the most wonderful, amazing man. we are truly in love.....soulmates, even." it's like a script that passes from OW to OW.

 

WOW!

 

we all know the most likely outcome to these "love stories."

[veryhappy]

is it me, or are the intro's all the same-- "in an affair with the most wonderful, amazing man. we are truly in love.....soulmates, even." it's like a script that passes from OW to OW.

 

WOW!

 

we all know the most likely outcome to these "love stories."

 

I was thinking the same today, that if I read more stories with "soulmates" and "best friends" I'll get an allergic rash.

[Artie Lang]

^hilarious.

 

it's like a screen-test. all these women are vying for the lead in a horrible Michael Bay movie.

 

hahaha.....freakin' HILARIOUS!

Edited November 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[MissBee]

I was thinking the same today, that if I read more stories with "soulmates" and "best friends" I'll get an allergic rash.

 

:laugh:

[sad puppy]

My dad died and left my mom with three kids under the age of 7, one was 9 months. She took care of us, the house, dragged us to church every Sunday, made all our meals, took care of 4 grandparents, the garden, volunteered.

 

She never complained and when asked how she did it she told everyone "I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself".

 

You sound incredibly selfish and you are betraying your children. You say you can't get out of bed, blah, blah, blah. You are pathetic. You actually do sound like the worst mom, to be in such "agony" over your affair that all you can do is focus on yourself. Grow up and take responsibility for your life and children. Quit focusing on a ridiculous affair. Feel sorry for your husband too.

[Miss Olivia]

My dad died and left my mom with three kids under the age of 7, one was 9 months. She took care of us, the house, dragged us to church every Sunday, made all our meals, took care of 4 grandparents, the garden, volunteered.

 

She never complained and when asked how she did it she told everyone "I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself".

 

You sound incredibly selfish and you are betraying your children. You say you can't get out of bed, blah, blah, blah. You are pathetic. You actually do sound like the worst mom, to be in such "agony" over your affair that all you can do is focus on yourself. Grow up and take responsibility for your life and children. Quit focusing on a ridiculous affair. Feel sorry for your husband too.

 

Someone who is selfish would not torment herself this much. She would not be hurting as much as she is. You don't have a clue. She's in love with a man she's not married to. The fact that she didn't just leave her husband and the fact that she cares what happens to her kids proves that she is the opposite of selfish. It's obvious the affair is destroying her. Having said that, at this point, she should make a choice. It's not going to be easy either way, but it's not fair to her or her husband to not reveal this affair. The true will set her free, and things will work out. Nothing works out when there are secrets and lies...nothing.

[sad puppy]

Someone who is selfish would not torment herself this much. She would not be hurting as much as she is. You don't have a clue. She's in love with a man she's not married to. The fact that she didn't just leave her husband and the fact that she cares what happens to her kids proves that she is the opposite of selfish. It's obvious the affair is destroying her. Having said that, at this point, she should make a choice. It's not going to be easy either way, but it's not fair to her or her husband to not reveal this affair. The true will set her free, and things will work out. Nothing works out when there are secrets and lies...nothing.

 

Wrong answer. She's putting her feelings about her affair and her emotional needs above her children's. That is the definition of a selfish, bad mother.

 

Yes, the affair will "destroy" her if she continues to indulge her energies outside of her family. She's "hurting" because she pursued selfish behavior. See how that works?

[ThatJustHappened]

Holy drama queen Batman! This sounds more like a bad tween movie than a real adult relationship. OP, calm yourself. You will not die without your side piece. Therapy therapy therapy. Seriously!

[thomasb]

There's not one thing 'spiritual' about an affair. God commands you not to commit adultery. And your children deserve more than to be neglected because you miss being some piece to a married man. The sooner you realize that you both have let go of values and morals such as not being lying, cheating manipulators, the sooner you can become the person God made you to be.

[Tara247]

Look BrokenTwin, you're making this harder than it has to be. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but it's obvious that you don't want your husband and you're living a lie with this affair. It's better to divorce your husband than cheat on him. Divorce is hard on children, but don't stay for the children. If you're not going to be happy in the marriage, the children will see it and feel it, and it's not a good atmosphere for them to be raised in. Don't be so weak that you can't leave your husand for financial reasons if you really want to go. Your husband will still have to pay child support and probably spousal support. In addition, you will get half of what you and he built together in the marriage. So, just go if you want instead of all this cheating and unhappiness. Lastly, don't neglect the kids. If that means you need to seek therapy or see a psychiatrist for medication until you make your decision, then so be it. But, you do need to make a decision.