LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Does he love me enough to leave his wife?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 22nd February 2004, 4:02 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 10
Does he love me enough to leave his wife?

Well, here goes my story. I sure do need all the support I can get right now because the pain and heartache is horrible. I have been involved with a MM for about 11 months now. We met at the post office just by accident. When I found out he was married I avoided him like the plague for 2 months and then agreed to have dinner with him to find out why he was continuing to call me and want to see me. I found out the normal things I guess .... that he was not happy at home and not in love with his wife.

A little about him .... He has been married for 13 years but dated his wife 10 years before marriage. They started dating when they were in high school at the age of 17. They have two children. He says she is a terrific woman, a terrific wife, a terrific mom, and basically has no flaws and is just as beautiful now as she was at 17. But ...... he loves her but is not in love with her.

Then goes our story ....... we have been together now for 11 months. He says he is in love with me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, wants us to be married and have a home together. He says he is the happiest with me that he has ever been. Is it all mumbo jumbo or what. He says he is going to leave his wife but just does not know when. He promises that we will be together forever but does not know when. He says it is just hard to come up with the courage to do it and hurt the kids.

I have spent a year of holidays, vacation days, and weekends all alone. I see him every day of the week and most of the time on Friday nights. He actually spends more time with me than he does his wife and family. But, I cannot stand the thought of spending this next summer vacation at home alone while he is vacationing with his wife at the beach. That is 5 to 6 months away and I did ask him if he would have left before then. His reply is "I don't know. I can't tell you because I do not know."

I am so in love with this man. On Friday of last week I just decided that I did not want to share him with his wife. I do know for a fact that he is still sleepng and having sex with her and that totally kills me. I told him that I could no longer share him and that I had to break away from this the pain was too tremendous. By the way, he and I have become best friends in a terrific sort of way. The communication and sharing that is between us is great and we have so much in common.

This is killing me because it is now Sunday .... 2 days later ..... and I want to call him so bad because I know if I do it will end the pain for at least a moment. It is almost like a drug and I feel like I am going through withdrawals.

I would appreciate anyone's response to just let me know that I did the right thing. What I have been doing with him has been against everything I believe in and all morals and standards that I have always lived by. I have no idea how I got myself into this mess. But now, I am hooked and cannot seem to move forward. It lowers your self-esteem and makes you feel as though you are not good enough.

I read Jazzmine's letter and I have the same question as her ..... would he every leave her for me?
KJ
kjblondie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2004, 4:44 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Reckless's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: City of Lights
Posts: 589
Probably not

And even if he did you will have a relationship that was born out of lies and deception, pain and trauma. You don't know if you can trust his word regarding his sexual relationship with his wife and you won't be fully able to trust him even if you do end up together.

You did the right thing by breaking it off but, quite frankly you don't sound so sure of your decision and, as with breaking any addiction, you are going to have to be fully convinced in order to get through the next few weeks and months, so look at the person inside with principles and a sense of pride, remember the heartache you've suffered and remind yourself that you were setting yourself up for many more years of the same.
There have been people on this board that have wasted decades waiting for just what you're hoping for now - don't make your story one as pathetic as those, get out and mean it.

If a 'cheater' is your idea of heaven (I'm sorry, I know you love him but the fact is he is cheating and you are helping him..), let him know that if he truly wants you he should give you a call exactly one year after his divorce is final and don't forget to mention that you may be with someone that doesn't lie and deceive the person he claims to love, in which case his loss.

Forgiving yourself and re-gaining some of your self esteem will be a whole lot easier if its you that has the courage to walk away. You've taken a step - keep moving.

R.
Reckless is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2004, 4:56 PM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 10
You are right!

Reckless:
You are right. You read me so well. I have made the decision and have made the first move and now am having second thoughts....... just not totally sure of my decision. But, I am strong enough to do this and I want a person that can love me completely and be there just with me and me alone. But man this is tough !!!!!!! I guess I never really knew that so many people are in the same boat until I have joined this forum. Ya know, wonder what makes us settle for seconds. I always thought my thinking process was better than what I have been doing lately.
kjblondie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2004, 5:06 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Reckless's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: City of Lights
Posts: 589
Quote:
I always thought my thinking process was better than what I have been doing lately
Because love is the ultimate curve ball, it has a habit of short circuiting your 'thinking process' and zapping straight to other bits.

A lover can be like an addiction as you so rightly said and as with all addictions it's so easy to get hooked and so difficult to break free. But if you view him as your personal addiction you can thank God that it's only a year long habit and be ready for the night sweats, cravings, pain and all the other symptoms of 'withdrawal' - they don't last forever but if you're unprepared (and not determined) you'll have a hard time going through with it.

Good luck
Reckless is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2004, 5:37 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 10
Thank you

Reckless: Thank you for your thoughts. I can't tell you how it helps just to talk with someone about this. I do believe talking and listening makes me stronger. I have cried and cried today but I am going to stick it out.
kjblondie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2004, 5:48 PM   #6
Unconfirmed Account
 
Skittles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: East Coast
Posts: 340
Quote:
Then goes our story ....... we have been together now for 11 months. He says he is in love with me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, wants us to be married and have a home together. He says he is the happiest with me that he has ever been. Is it all mumbo jumbo or what. He says he is going to leave his wife but just does not know when. He promises that we will be together forever but does not know when. He says it is just hard to come up with the courage to do it and hurt the kids.
Hi kj..........

First I have to say that the reason I post so much in response to ow questions is because one of my g/f is involved with a mm and she is so jacked up over this guy. I helped get her away from him but it's a constant battle..Plus a relatives friend married the mm she "won over", but now he is cheating on her so that is an ongoing saga with my cell phone too..yikes!

I think you did the right thing, the only thing, to ensure your emotional, physical and spiritual survival.

This situation is the embodiment of the emotional vampire, sure to suck the very life out of you.
You are in pain, you are at a loss and miss talking to him ...I know...The withdrawal is horrendous, it affects every waking hour, every thought you have..

But it will get better....you must keep your resolve. I am sure he will try contacting you...Here is where some folks might disagree with me..
The usual advice is to break all contact...In some cases that will just cause a major back-slide..Because each situation is different, in your case, for instance, I think if he contacts you, it's ok to talk to him as long as you are saying one thing and one thing only..and that is that he needs to be divorced and single for you to have a relationship with him. End of conversation...

Easier said than done, but what are your alternatives...To start in again and be tortured?
Forget it..

I believe he "loves" you, I would if I had you adoring me as much as you do him...But he has to commit to you.

Here is something interesting. My g/f "Jesse" told me that her mm told her that if she hadn't given in to his sexual advances he would have had a clearer head (uhem) about leaving his marriage ...!....WHat does that mean? That she blew it by not standing her ground with him after he began chasing her?...Who knows...Just a thought...

It's closing the barn door after the horse runs away kind of thing.


Kj in getting back to you...Don't cave.. It's no go until you see tangible results.
Skittles is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2004, 6:06 PM   #7
Established Member
 
midori's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 2,878
I agree with Reckless & Skittles. Congratulations on making a decision that is definitely in your best interests.

Like you say, it won't be easy. But the addiction analogy is useful in a couple of ways. It can help you to see that, like someone who has given up cigarettes, you need to stay away from him, period. Not just one more time, for old times sake or because he misses you, or because he's worried about you and cares "as a friend".

No phone calls, emails, going to places you know he'll be. No allowing him to phone you -- and if he doesn't respect that, change your number. Caller ID isn't good enough, because then you'll know when he's been calling, and he will invade your thoughts.

You've got to give it up 100%.

Another way that this is like an addiction is that the addiction itself has more than one component. There's the emotions you feel about him at the center, but there are other things. The fact that without him you're truly alone (of course you have friends and family) might be a daunting one to face. But you can meet someone else, someone better able to fulfill your needs because he's not married. There may be other things in life that you've been able to avoid because you were wrapped up in this affair. Just as smoking gives people something to do with their hands while socializing, and a way to release tension, there were surely secondary needs that the affair fulfilled for you. You'll be better able to control yourself if you identify what they are. Then you can recognize that your lover won't be so hard to replace, and when you do replace him, you'll be making an enormous upgrade.

Good luck. Keep at it, and don't let him deter you. No matter how much he "needs" you, or how "worried" he is, etc. Not your problem. And he can't help you with yours.
midori is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd February 2004, 10:24 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Arabess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Atlantic Beach, FL
Posts: 3,924
He has no reason to leave as long as he has BOTH of you.

Read ALL the 'other woman' threads....and see if you don't recognize how similar your story is to ALL of them....and how 'special' he really is!

If someone really loves you....they DON'T lie to you....they don't go home to someone else.....they don't tell you 'I don't know'. They only love you for how you make THEM feel...not because they care about YOUR feelings. Obvioulsy, because they don't care about their WIFE'S feelings either. They use that one as an excuse....only to keep you dangling. They care about no one but themselves.

Could you leave him crying, sad, vulnerable, lonely and feeling used night after night? Ofcourse not. Because you DO love him. When you love someone you don't treat them that way.

It's the hardest realization you will ever have to face. It'll rip out your heart. In the end though, you'll be glad you walked away.

I know for sure!

Arabess
Arabess is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2004, 5:45 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 10
He has had both of us!

Hello Aribess: You are so right. He has had both of us for way too long. At first I thought he needed time to make a decision but it has been almost a year and I believe if he does not know by now he is going nowhere.

Ya know, he lives an hour from me but works 4 miles from my house and 6 miles from my work. I feel he will try to contact me today or this week....... especially if it is like all the other times. By the way, I have said goodbye before and then gave in to him missing me so bad and me missing him. It's just a vicious cycle and I am the one that continues to feel the pain.

Is it possible that he really does love me? I don't know, this has been a fantasy for so long basically pretending that his wife does not exist that it is now time to live in reality. I hope I can be strong enough this week to say no to him if he does call. I did talk with my Mom about all of this and her response was "Turn him loose, if he comes back he is yours and if he dosen't, he never was." This is so true.

Thanks to all of you guys for listening to me and giving me all these words of encouragement. Talk with you soon!
KJ
kjblondie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2004, 9:08 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Fancy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 307
You asked if it was possible that he really loved you. Go back up and re-read what Arabess just wrote..................

"If someone really loves you....they DON'T lie to you....they don't go home to someone else.....they don't tell you 'I don't know'. They only love you for how you make THEM feel...not because they care about YOUR feelings. Obvioulsy, because they don't care about their WIFE'S feelings either. They use that one as an excuse....only to keep you dangling. They care about no one but themselves."

That says it all. You're wasting your time on this man. It's a dead end. The sooner you realize that and kick him to the curb once and for all, the sooner you'll heal, get healthy again and find a man who will truly love you--not just use you to boost his self esteem and get off.
__________________
Don't cast your pearls before swine.
Fancy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2004, 9:35 AM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 24
Hi KJ,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know all too well exactly how it feels. Please please please read and reread all of the responses to your situation as well as the other threads (including mine) on the subject. You will be AMAZED how similar they all are. The people and the circumstances may differ, but almost ALL of the stories have the same components - a woman who believes that the love that she and her MM share will ENDURE ALL and a man who for one reason (rather excuse) or another has chosen to let her cry herself to sleep every night - alone because although he may care for her or have feelings for her - it is not enough to leave his situation. That is all that matters - the bottom line - the fact that he cannot and will not put his money where his mouth is.

You mentioned how hard the past year of vacations, holidays and weekends have been. I want you to go back and remember what this past Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years was like. As much as it hurts, try to bring yourself back there to what those days felt like. They were probably among the darkest days of your life, right? You can be assured that if you stay emotionally attached to this guy that those days were only the first of many, many gut-wrenching more to come. I know, I've been there.

Letting go is SOOOOOO hard but PLEASE be strong. No contact - no calls, emails of any type. It takes a while but it is the ONLY way you'll ever have a normal happy life again.

Keep coming back to this site - the support you get here is just unbelievable.

Post again for whatever you need.
dkopp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2004, 5:22 PM   #12
Established Member
 
faux's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 2,030
You are involved with a married man. This means that this man is cheating on his WIFE with YOU. You don't see anything wrong with that? You don't see anything wrong with you being involved with a MARRIED MAN? Also he says he is not in love with his wife?

Wow. You sure picked a winner.

And you want the guy to leave his wife for you? Why? So he can leave you for some other girl?

I think you need to seriously rethink this guy, and perhaps the choices you are making.
faux is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2004, 6:02 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 173
dkopp, wow! I thought I had put this past New Year's out of my mind, but you just reminded me. I actually went to a party and had a good time, without him of course, but... you just reminded me of how he jerky was acting around that time, too.

Ugh! don't do that again!

kjblondie, heed dkopp's advice. Think about those dark times. Dwell on them if you have to. Thinking about all the times he WASN'T there for me helped me to kick my exMM out the door (mostly - at least the affair itself is over). It really helps to bring out your anger over the ridiculous situation you're in, and that helps motivate you to take action!

Re-reading my own posts about my situation, preserved for eternity in writing, also helps give me some objectivity. It really knocks you into reality to read your own pain and heartache, and how needless it is. Good luck with this. Oh, I know! Since we've both broken up with our respective A$$clowns - to steal Arabess's vocabulary - let's you and I have a contest to see who can go the longest without contacting the MM. Whoever loses takes the winner out to a very expensive dinner.
saintfrancis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2004, 5:58 AM   #14
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 10
JUST AN UPDATE GUYS......

Well, it is Monday and I was right. He did call and sent me an e-mail. I was proud of myself. He went on and on about how much he missed me and loved me and wanted to be with me forever and yes, it was tough and hurt like crazy. But, I told him I loved him with all of my heart but that I loved him too much to share him any longer and that this had to stop. He wanted to see me for he said just 5 minutes that he missed me like crazy.

Well, my response was ... What is the point .... It won't change anything. We will still be in the same place tomorrow.

It made me feel strong to stick to my story. He said to call him if I changed my mind. I told him I new I would not be changing my mind. He still says he is leaving his wife. I guess we will see. Time will tell. But for now, I reassured my self and him that it is over. I figure I may talk to him now and then over the phone. I am sure he will call. But the dates and nights of him being with me and going home to her bed are over.

Ya know, I feel really strong this morning. That could change by the afternoon I know. But, you guys are great and so supportive and non-judgemental. I know what I was doing was wrong.

And yes, dinner sounds great regardless who buys!!!
kjblondie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th February 2004, 9:42 AM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 24
Awesome work, KJ!

I know how hard it was and I'm sure you're still hurting, but just know that it gets easier and doesn't it feel great to finally feel like you have some control over the situation?
dkopp is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
wife wants to leave me zion Separation and Divorce 6 29th March 2005 3:06 PM
My wife may leave... vtpats Separation and Divorce 2 20th January 2005 10:49 AM
My wife says that she never loved me and wants to leave. Please help me! Josieburn Separation and Divorce 24 2nd June 2004 12:51 PM
Will He Leave His Wife? green eyed ann Infidelity 51 13th May 2004 1:02 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:57 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.