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Leaving her boyfriend for me??


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Old 6th October 2011, 12:31 PM   #1
wps
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Leaving her boyfriend for me??

Hi,

This is my first post here, but I'm hoping for some advice, sorry for the long post.....

About 4 months ago I became friends with a girl I work with who lives with her boyfriend of 2 years. From the very begginning it was clear we got along really well (the first time we saw each other outside of work we stayed up until 8am talking and it was never awkward or difficult) and obviously I started to develop feelings.

Nothing happened between us but I started to see her pretty regularly, even with her coming to stay over. Things went at a snails pace really and it wasnt until about a month ago we finally kissed. We both admitted we liked each other and how this was more than just a little crush and how we had wanted the kiss to happen for a while.

Although she had done this behind her boyfriends back the intention wasn't to just 'let it slide', she was going to tell her boyfriend it happened, but we were then talking about the possibility of her leaving him for me. Since then it has got out at work that it happened (AND her boyfriends best friend works there), and things have escalated and as stupid as it sounds we both left work because of it.

Once her boyfriend had found out it was a bit of a panic and we weren't sure what to do but she basically told me that she was very confused and not sure herself what to do, so I backed off for a week or so as I thought she would be in a very difficult position and would no doubt need to think it all over.

Last week she told me she definitely wanted to leave him for me, the problem being she needs a new job first to be able to afford her flat if he moves out (which is what she would want him to do) - fair enough, I dont want to be sat waiting around but if it takes a while for us to be together then I dont mind.

We finally slept together after 4 months last weekend, it was amazing, I love being around her and we have talked lots about how excited we are for whats ahead, the things we want to do and how we just want to be together.

However this week has been a bit different. She's never been one who texts/calls a lot (she seems to be the sort of person who texts to arrange things or to let you know something rather than text chatting). I know if she is around him then she can't do that freely anyway, but still that seems to have dried up a bit this week and have not had much contact.

She stayed over the other night and all was normal, but in the morning she had a bit of a freak out and said she was confused and didnt know if she was doing the right thing in wanting to leave him. After a long talk we got back to normal and she apologised for getting upset and said that we were still sticking to the original plan of her leaving him - she seems to feel really guilty about it as its not his fault that they would break up just that she wants to be with me.

The problems is now though, when I see her it's so good, I care about her so much and it's so good being close to her, however when Im not with her.... I'm going crazy, I wake up and feel awful, all day I just think of her, nothing feels good unless I'm with her, I just miss her SO badly, and Im sat constantly waiting for my phone to buzz.

I don't know if I just feel stronger for her than she does for me, but after yesterdays freak out Im worried she is going to change her mind. I'm supposed to see her tonight (her idea) but still have heard nothing from her today.

Sorry for the extremely long post but this is driving me crazy, I'm torn between excitement of seeing her, worry that she is changing her mind and the horrible feeling of missing her and not having any control over this. I never thought being 'the other guy' could be so difficult! If anyone has any advice or thoughts on this please let me know as I am really finding this hard as I also don't know if Im doing the wrong thing in hanging on for her, or whether I need to call it off alltogether (Which I know I dont want - and I know she doesn't want).

Help!
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Old 6th October 2011, 2:34 PM   #2
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I remember when my xMW told me, she was so in love with me, that being around me made her feel like a teenage girl and that she had never had a connection with anyone like she had with me, not even her husband. Then she told me the dreaded "but" and said she wasn't ready to leave him because though not in love, she still loved him.

If I was smart, I'd have ended it right there, I'd have told her, you call me when you've made a decision, because you see, she'd already made her decision and I got strung along.

My point is, let her go, tell her that when she's decided which direction she wants to go in, to let you know after she's made the decision and done it. Then you can attempt the relationship........... and maybe it'll work out or maybe she'll kiss another guy at work while she's with you.
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Old 6th October 2011, 2:43 PM   #3
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Hiya

Your situation sounds horribley familiar, esepecially this bit

"I'm torn between excitement of seeing her, worry that she is changing her mind and the horrible feeling of missing her and not having any control over this. I never thought being 'the other guy' could be so difficult! If anyone has any advice or thoughts on this please let me know as I am really finding this hard as I also don't know if Im doing the wrong thing in hanging on for her, or whether I need to call it off alltogether (Which I know I dont want - and I know she doesn't want)"

I had a fling with one of my best friends from work - he had a girlfriend and he told me he was leaving her - guess what - we are no longer having a fling, and 13 days ago tomorrow i basically told him no more - because i was having sleepless nights, i missed him, i couldnt function, all i could think of is him with her , somebody who makes him unhappy and why was he with her when i made him really happy, well thats what he told me

Usually if i call off contact, he chases me, but its been 13 days since i last spoke to him tomorrow, and 16 days since i last saw him! i told him i needed some space but a bit of time has made me realise, he didnt genuinely mean it - he cant of done - when i last spoke to him he said he needed a bit of space to move out and things and i said dont come back until you have - and then nothing - so he STILL hasn't - he's initially got a month, i know maybe stupid, but a month is up in 2 weeks but you know something, i'm sleeping, i dont feel like im going mad anymore, I do really miss him because we had some lovely times together over the couple of years we knew each other and so for it to not end happily ever after for us still doesnt feel right because to be honest, our "chemistry" and the connection we have, it feels right to want to be in a relationship, but obviously the way he feels about his girlfriend, he obviously loves her!

I know you dont want to let her go - but honestly coming from somebody who has been int his situation and just recently, you have got to think about what is best for you - is the emotional upset you are going through right now worth it? when you could find a single girl who will be 100% available to you, to be able to be with you, no stolen moments, and you will know where you stand? well thats the ideal but i hope you can see my point

Sorry if you think i am being harsh - I'm not I have just been through similar and got hurt basically - and yeah pyschologically i am still waiting for him to leave - but deep down i know he isnt - i was a fling, and he means more to me than i do to him,but i know in time, it will all get better i will probably meet somebody else - and he will still be unhappy because he hasn't got the balls to leave for himself - if she doesnt want to leave the relationship for herself, she aint going to leave

it really helps sometimes to speak to somebody who has been there, this forum has been a godsend to me!

x x
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Old 7th October 2011, 8:16 AM   #4
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Thanks for the advice :-)

Its just very confusing, I saw her last night and she said sorry for upsetting me and that she still felt the same and is going to leave him once she has a job and can afford her flat herself, she just felt guilty as he hasnt technically done anything wrong but she wants to break up with him. Should be seeing her again tonight.

I dont want to be used, and this is where it gets really hard, because when we're together it is so good - so in my mind it seems impossible that this amazing person could be doing such a thing, but from what you've said, this is entirely possible. I just have to be careful because I think I'm at the point of starting to love her....

Yeah this forum seems like a really helpful place to come, so thanks again for your opinions on this.
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Old 7th October 2011, 8:46 AM   #5
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Don't go there. Please. I have been completely screwed over by my mm I've known him for years and he didn't even tell me when he got married/that his wife was pregnant/that he now has a son. I had to find it all out from others.

My point is while I was sat around waiting for him to make his move he was out meeting his now wife and while I was waiting for my phone to buzz they were planning their wedding/life together

It hurts like hell but I've lost years to this guy and I will not/cannot let this go on

Don't wait around for her go out with friends etc if you're meant to be you'll be together but I always thought me and my mm were meant to be but while I was thinking that he was making babies with his wifey
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Old 7th October 2011, 1:51 PM   #6
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It really is difficult - so i do completely understand - I started to fall in love with my guy as well and it just felt so right, he said to me when we lay in bed together the first time we had sex - why do i feel so comfortable with you, it just feels so right and natural being here with you - and i knew i felt the same - so why stay in a loveless relationship with his girlfriend? it doesn't add up! and thats what hurts me the most because i still do believe he is going to turn up and come back at some point - I have to agree with the get on with your life, ive recently started college and im meeting lots of new and interesting people and im starting to realise i can do this, i could possibley meet another single guy on my course and we could end up together - and it would serve him right lol im quite harsh when it comes to him sometimes - i get my moments where I really really miss him because like you this girl, when we are together it is really REALLY good - we bounce off each other and when it gets passionate, its like nothing ive ever felt, its so intense, its not like we're ripping each others clothes off, its all very slow and amazing - and im like why do we have to just be an affair , this could be a real shot at something, but he wont leave her! he told me he was going to, 5 weeks ago now - it took me 12 weeks to move out and leave my ex partner when we split up so i think this is why im so forgiving - but the reason i think he is staying is because of the NC for nearly 2 weeks and ive not seen him for nearly 3!! so im like if he was serious , he would be here with me like he was a few weeks ago - i dunno!
Its hard to not want to be used, but at the same time you dont want to let go of something that could potentially be amazing! but i think sometimes you have to, for your own sanity...i was literally waking up at 2am, and bursting into tears, i couldnt concentrate in my first 2 weeks at college - i was just torn - now im slowly getting there but what scares me is if he does turn up, how will i feel - i dont want to be an emotional mess again..

Sorry to rabbit on but i just know how you feel and i know how hard it is!
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Old 13th October 2011, 3:57 AM   #7
wps
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Thanks for the advice guys,

I stupidly held out for her, she rang me on Tuesday night to say she had broken up with him and she was coming to mine to stay. She came round, everything seemed pretty good if a little odd. We had the 'so we're together now?' conversations and said how excited we were. We stayed up talking, we slept together and fell asleep in each others arms.

Then yesterday morning I had to go to work so got up around 7:30, when she started to say she wasn't ok and felt 'weird'. I had to go to catch my train but said to her to text me if she needed me, we had a brief phone conversation later and my phone kept cutting off on the train because of the signal, but once I had arrived at work I SWEAR she was hanging up on me as I could hear her phone 'clicking'.

So I hear nothing all day, and it's not until I get home that I ring her and get no reply only to be told over a text message that she still loves her boyfriend and doesn't want their relationship to be over. Over a text message!!

I'm so stupid for holding out for her, since my last post here it genuinely seemed like she was leaving him, she promised, she said she was 100% sure.

Last night I spoke to a friend for 2 hours on the phone and really got myself into a 'screw it this is her loss' kind of mentality - I've offered her all the things she isn't getting from this guy and all I want to do is love her and look after her and make sure she's happy and instead it's been thrown in my face. And by telling me over a text she can't care that much, I deserve more than that.

It definitely hurts more this morning but I'm trying to stay positive and think that if she wants to do that then she's losing out. I just want to be with her so badly but am going to try to cease all contact, I've not even replied to her text last night.

I'm just now a bit confused, I'm hoping there is someone for me but I don't know where to start as my heart has been broken by one person I was trusting not to do it, and the person who I thought I was going to be happy with.

How do you guys cope with this kind of situation? I'm trying to be positive..... Trying so so hard, I just can't believe that our official proper relationship lasted about 12 hours :-(
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Old 12th November 2011, 3:15 PM   #8
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Hey WPS... how did things turn out? I'm going through a VERY similar thing right now. Did she come running back? did you find someone available and move on? the story isn't finished. id love to hear how it turned out.
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Old 12th November 2011, 4:27 PM   #9
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By the sound of it, you're both pretty young and don't know what you REALLY want yet.
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Old 12th November 2011, 5:48 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by despicableME View Post
By the sound of it, you're both pretty young and don't know what you REALLY want yet.
Not necessarily. Maybe naive. I'm actually 29... ended a 7 year relationship last year, so I'm rusty with the whole dating thing. but I guess people make mistakes at any age.
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Old 12th November 2011, 8:22 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wps View Post
Thanks for the advice :-)

Its just very confusing, I saw her last night and she said sorry for upsetting me and that she still felt the same and is going to leave him once she has a job and can afford her flat herself, she just felt guilty as he hasnt technically done anything wrong but she wants to break up with him. Should be seeing her again tonight.

I dont want to be used, and this is where it gets really hard, because when we're together it is so good - so in my mind it seems impossible that this amazing person could be doing such a thing, but from what you've said, this is entirely possible. I just have to be careful because I think I'm at the point of starting to love her....

Yeah this forum seems like a really helpful place to come, so thanks again for your opinions on this.
Oh dear god man get a grip, you shagging a girl cheating on her boyfriend, it must make you feel real special eh? Provided that she does leave him and gets with you, provided of course she ever gets a job, then saves enough money to move out and find a flat..how long will that take? Anyway loverboy, so if somewhere down the line you two hook up permanently and one day she says her friend is sick and needs to stay over, then two nights later she has to study a window washing exam and wont be home or her pet gopher is sick and had to be rushed to A&E and she can't come to see you....or simply doesn't answer her phone after you've called 200 times going out of your mind because basically you're shacked up with a lying cheater!
You think she's been honest with you when she's bare faced lying to someone else? No that's right, you're getting the p*ssy and you're falling in love so everything is alright. This relationship is doomed from the go, be smart, hit it but don't commit your heart to it otherwise you will get burned. Besides there's about 200 000 females within two square miles of where you're presently at...that's a lot of p*ssy to fall in love with
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