I can't stop thinking about him, but I can't have him

[Unlucky63]

I really feel the need to tell this story, and all my friends are just shaking their heads at me. I googled on "relationships" and "blog" and that led me here. This seems to be the place to express the feelings I need to express. Perhaps I'll get some useful feedback...even some empathy would be nice. The upshot is: I think I love a man, I feel an intense connection with him...we've only talked, not fooled around, not kissed, not even touched...and he's married, and has children, and he has just left the office where we both worked and I'll probably never see him again. I feel a burning need to tell him what I'm thinking, and feeling...not to ask him to do anything, change anything, just tell him, but I can't. I feel in my *bones* that that would be wrong. I cannot be any part of his life, he cannot be any part of mine. I need to let him go, but it's so hard.

 

A little history now (and I'm going to try my best to be brief). I'm 40, single, and happily so, for the most part. My parents had a horrible marriage and I pretty much decided years ago that the whole institution wasn't for me. I also don't want children--nothing against them, I know some great kids, but I've never felt any desire to be a mother. I like to have boyfriends, and I'm always monogamous when I'm in a relationship, but I've also been alone for large periods of my life, and I'm used to it--I'm very independent and I know how to have fun on my own. If I have no one to do something with, I'll often go out and do it myself. That's how I met "Ben".

 

On a Friday night, 4 months ago, I was feeling restless and had nothing planned. I decided on the spur of the moment to go to a club and see a band. I don't have a car, so I called a cab. Ben was my cab driver. It's funny...when I first got in the back of the cab, I didn't even look at him. I think I was still closing the door when he asked, I thought, "Where are you going?" So I told him the name of the club and he said cheerfully, "No, I said "'*How's it* goin?'! Then I looked up at him, and his head was partly turned back to look at me, and...it's funny how we say that something about another person will "strike" us...but I was struck by his smile. I know how this sounds, but it's as if it were already familiar. I smiled myself to see it, as if I was thinking, "Oh, there's that great smile of Ben's again." We fell into a conversation about the dearth of good night life in our midwestern college town. I said I was running out of friends to go out with, being 40, and he said something like, "Yeah, most of the people I know around that age are slowing down because they're married with children--hey, I'm one of them!"

 

So, I knew within 2 minutes of meeting Ben that he was married, and that I'd never have a chance with him. Still, right after that revelation, we fell into a conversation about traveling (while still heading towards the club). I had just come back from a long trip abroad. He asked what countries I'd visited. I think he had already pulled into the parking lot and parked when I said "India" (which was just one on the list). I'll never forget the way his eyes just *shone* when I said "India". It was obvious that he'd been there, and that he loved it.

 

We must have talked for about ten minutes that first time, just sitting in the parking lot in the cab. It was just so...easy and natural...and I can often be shy and tongue-tied...I often don't click with people. But with Ben...all of our conversations left me with a feeling of pure joy. I know it's a cliche, but they were like dancing, like waltzing, like anything, I suppose, where two people act separately but together and just...flow. Before I got out of the cab, He told me about some amazing volunteer work that he had done in the north of India...He asked if I was going to call a cab to come home, and I said "probably". He said that perhaps he'd be my driver then, too. I thought that pretty unlikely (years before, I'd been an operator for the same cab company, so I knew how the dispatching worked). Still, I was pleased that he'd said it.

 

The club was pretty dead, though the band was decent. I just sat in a booth, watched the band, sipped a drink--and thought about Ben the entire time, though I knew it was futile...I don't like to judge the behavior of others, at least I try very hard not to, but for myself...I just couldn't even consider...anything with a married man. Even though it had been years since I'd felt that kind of connection with a man (and I'd felt it already) he was, quite simply, unobtainable.

 

At 2 AM I called a cab. I felt a nervous, exciting buzz of anticipation while I waited, but I kept telling myself, "You know it's not going to be him...it *can't be him*." But when the cab pulled up, there he was, smiling that warm smile. When I got in the back, I said "Namaste," which is "hello" in Hindi, and he smiled even more broadly and answered me in Hindi as well. We chattered away again on the short trip back to my house, and just kept going and going long after the cab had parked in my driveway. I learned that he'd lost a job due to downsizing, and that we were somewhat in the same line of work. When I told him about my job, he asked if we were hiring, but I said "no." Then he said that he'd better get going because all the bars would be emptying out and people would be wanting cabs. I said, "I know, I'm sorry, but I could talk to you forever." Then he said that he'd be happy to "talk" by email and gave me his address. There was nothing remotely suggestive or sleazy about it--nothing in his manner said that he was interested in anything else but the type of conversation we'd been having. I just think that there's a bond that develops immediately between two travelers, especially "off the beaten track" type of travelers, and we had already established it.

 

I knew before I'd even gotten to my room that I shouldn't email him, had decided that I wouldn't--knew already that a friendship would only leave me frustrated and yearning. Still, after many months on the road I had come to cherish such fleeting connections, and I knew it would make a very lovely memory.

 

Then, very unexpectedly, my boss told me the next week that he needed to hire another part-timer, and asked if I knew of anyone who was qualified and might be interested. I immediately thought of Ben. I had gathered from our conversation that he was eager to get out of the cab. I'd also googled him after we talked, and I'd found many, many stories on the web of the work he'd done in India. I was so impressed, so moved, by his generosity, his intelligence, his obvious determination to act on behalf of others. I had returned from my recent trip in the developing world with a desire to do the same (I had already started tutoring in ESL) and he was such a marvelous example to me. He had helped so many other people--I was delighted to think that I might be able to do something to help *him*. And yes, of course, I was excited at the thought of seeing him again.

 

Well, Ben came to work for us, and he fit in splendidly. He really seemed to relish the work, and he got up to speed very quickly. We didn't sit next to each other, I didn't train him, and I never went out of my way to engage him in conversation but...he sat by the printer. Whenever I went to pick up a print-out, some casual comment about work from either one of us always seemed to lead to a 10 minute conversation. And I was astounded, simply floored, by the amount of things we had in common. There were authors I cherished, somewhat obscure authors who were read by very few people, and he'd read their books...more than anything, I loved his passion and joy. I don't think I'd ever met a man who looked so simply joyful when he was talking about something he loved. This may sound overly precious and trite, but he seemed like a sun to me. I felt waves of buoyant, positive energy just flowing out from him, and I soaked them up.

 

There's really nothing more to tell. He worked in my office for four months, I saw him several times a week, we had those wonderful stimulating conversations, and that's all. He sent me a grateful email early on. He told me that some consulting work had come his way right after he'd gotten the job with us, so he'd been able to quit driving the cab and was much, much happier (and much better rested!). Then he interviewed for a permanent, fulltime job with another company (ours was a temp job, with no benefits) he got it, I'm ecstatic for him, and he's gone.

 

The day he said goodbye, very recently, I saw him shake hands with my boss and one of my male coworkers and I thought, "Don't shake my hand, don't touch my hand!" I just felt that it would somehow be easier if our flesh never touched. But he didn't offer me his hand, and I, of course didn't offer him mine. He just smiled, thanked me, and said we'd keep in touch, but I hope, or most of me does, that he didn't mean it, that it was just a standard pleasantry.

 

I feel bereft...but I feel ashamed even writing that. One of my best friends just lost the woman he loved to cancer--that's real bereavement. But then, I have no word for what I'm feeling. Just writing this, just trying to describe the effect he had on me, I feel the tears gathering in my eyes. It's as if God, the angels, whatever the powers are that be, had said, "Here is the perfect man for you. You can't have him."

 

I have no idea if Ben had any feelings which were similar to mine. But I know he enjoyed talking to me--there's no way he could have been faking that. I just keep telling myself, "You will NOT contact him. You will NOT contact him." But I keep writing lines to him in my head. I play around with different flowery paragraphs, but I always end the same way. I can't write it to him, but I'm going to put it here: Maybe next lifetime.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Fancy]

First let me say, your writing is quite eloquent. I found myself inching closer to the computer screen as I was reading.

 

Ben sounds like a lovely person, as do you. Clearly you both have a lot in common and in another time and different circumstances, things may have worked out beautifully for you.

 

Now back to reality. He is married. Period. Unless and until he is divorced (which he shows no indication of) I feel you need to keep mum about your feelings. You know nothing about what Ben is like at home. All you've seen of him is his professional demeanor. I think you're romanticizing greatly here and you have precious little to base these fantasies on. No one..........I repeat, no one is perfect. Ben sounds like a well read, intelligent and kind man, but again, he's married.

 

You will ultimately have to do what you feel is right, but I would strongly suggest you listen to your "bones" as you put it, and not contact him. That's your primal instinct telling you this is completely wrong. Please listen to your gut.

 

Keep posting here! I love reading what you have to say!

[dyermaker]

You do tell a beautiful story, and I honeslty sympathize with you. But I'm not the best at verbal sympathy, and I can't offer you anything close to empathy, so I'll just say what I can.

 

"Don't shake my hand, don't touch my hand!"

 

I think that this is a resignation from you, in that you know your boundaries. That's so awesome. I hope that you and Ben can be friends, and you can leave it at that. Ben seems like an incredibly great person, and I think if you worried less about him romantically, you could continue to enjoy his presence. Leave the other stuff to his wife.

 

Again, it's an incredible and almost sad story, but here's what I'd keep in mind. You love Ben. You wouldn't want to hurt Ben. Telling him how you feel will hurt Ben. Also, it sounds like he's a good enough person to not create an inappropriate relationship, and remain faithful to his wife.

 

I really don't know what else to say, and don't be offended, but I just said a prayer for you.

 

Best Wishes.

[FreeMe]

Wow, you sound a lot like me, including the age and interest in traveling. I have had a similar thing happen to me - amazing connection to a married man. I think you're doing the right thing by not having contact with him. Here's what happened to me - it wasn't horrible but it was embarrassing and if I had to do it over again I wouldn't have said anything.

 

I was moving out of state and was probably never going to see the guy again so I decided to write him a letter and give it to him. I told him how I felt and that I didn't expect anything from him and all that. But that I really wanted him to know. Well, he was truly a nice, honest guy - like your friend seems to be - he said he would never cheat on his wife but that he did feel the connection. He was very sweet about the whole thing and I apologized for putting him in a position to even think about it. He was wonderful and said he understood, it wasn't a problem, and if I ever needed anything he would always consider me a friend. He said I could call him, keep in touch.

 

Well, he was so wonderful I realized I should have kept quiet. He was more than decent and I lowered myself by approaching him. I was embarrassed and he was very gracious about it. After I moved I did have contact with him twice - once on the phone and once when I was visiting down there he met me to have a chat. That's all it was - like you I never even shook his hand. But I told him I didn't feel right having any contact at all with him because it wasn't fair to him or his wife - knowing that he did actually have feelings for me. He said that was okay, he understood either way but even if we never talked again he would always think of me as someone he was glad he knew. Well, I never did call him again out of respect for him and his family. Even though nothing bad came of the whole thing, I wish I had never confessed. All I really did was to shame myself - regardless of the fact that he was so understanding. I know inside that I was wrong.

[SoleMate]

Unlucky -

 

Your story is a compelling mix of the beautiful and the painful. You had a love and you have, tragically yet inevitably, lost it. Nothing I say can lessen that pain, but will you allow me to say something that may just put a glimmer of peace on your feelings? You took the road that leaves you with a beautiful memory. Ben can always be a stainless, spotless being in your mind. Whatever you had together remains unspoiled and guiltless. Neither of you will have to live with the remorse for breaking up a marriage, nor will you have to deal with the cheap feelings of being the OW, always an "alley cat in the shadows", always "less than", as Arabess so evocatively phrases it.

 

It's very possible that if timing were different, Ben would gladly have made you #1 in his life. And yet destiny has played out differently. Can you try to take some comfort in knowing that Ben may very well have cared so much he would never ask you to fill a #2 spot?

 

Cheers and tears,

 

SoleMate

[Skittles]

Originally posted by SoleMate

Unlucky -

..... Can you try to take some comfort in knowing that Ben may very well have cared so much he would never ask you to fill a #2 spot?

 

Wow SoleMate I really like what you said about not being asked to fill a #2 spot...How sweet and hopefully, true.

Unlucky, perhaps you should change your name to "Lucky" instead.

 

Lucky that you didn't get caught up in the pain of loving a married man.

Think of this...Just as you met him, you can meet an available guy and have it become what you desire.

...You deserve to love and be loved...keeping this in mind will attract the right partner to you.

 

And Dyer, how kind of you to keep her in your prayers.......

[Unlucky63]

Thank you so much for all your supportive, compassionate comments. I wanted to respond to some of this specifically, and to just wrap this up and tell you how I'm doing.

 

This really seems like a very caring community, and I'm really glad I found this site the other night. I had searched for it because I'd been a little stung by something my housemate had said to me. I told her that I was thinking obsessively of Ben and she said, "That's just stupid!" Oh, you gotta love her! Now, she's a great friend to me, I know she loves me, and she's been in on this story from the beginning (and you all don't know how I can talk about something ad nauseum when it seizes my brain), so she may have been a little tired of the subject (not to mention just tired in general). She also went on to say that, since it was pointless, I should just move on, find someone else to think about. I know she just wants what's best for me.

 

But that night, two nights ago, I just felt the need to tell the entire story. Somehow, just writing it for myself wasn't enough. Before I went to bed that night, I had already seen the first two replies to my post, from Fancy and Dyermaker (more specific comments on those below) and they were so understanding and wise. There was something about feeling understood and listened to that seemed to help move me along, toward the place where I can let him go. I had a good, long cleansing cry that night. I think I'd been wanting to cry for awhile, but I hadn't let myself. Part of me thinks that I'm being too melodramatic in all this. Ben isn't dead. He wasn't my boyfriend, my lover, even my friend, really. Was a crush really worth crying over? But, whatever it was, I think it was more than a crush. Something about him really touched to my heart, really called to me. As I was crying, letting all that sadness out, that grief for "what might have been", I also felt that I was honoring that.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to have to wrap this up quickly now. I was too tired to write last night, and now I have to get to work! Fancy, I wanted to say that I know you're right: I am romantizing, idealizing Ben. I know that I hardly know him. And it *is* very helpful to remind myself of that. Thank you also for your compliment on my writing. That was especially gratifying to me because...well, Ben's wife is a poet. I never met her, but he mentioned once how beautifully she writes (that tells you a lot right there, doesn't it?).

 

Dyermaker, I wanted to tell you that I am not at all offended that you prayed for me. On the contrary, I am touched and grateful. My spiritual beliefs are a bit amorphous, but I do believe that there's some power in the universe, and that someone or something hears our prayers.

 

Free me, thank you for sharing your very similar story. When I first read your post, it had the opposite effect from what you'd intended (at first!). I thought it was very brave of you to write to that man of your feelings, and to let him know that you expected nothing in return. Then, you were rewarded by his assurance that he was glad that he'd known you. When I read that I thought, "God, I'd give my right arm for that!" And I'm right-handed. :-)

 

But then, I read your post a few more times, and the message sank in. Plus, there's just my gut feeling that I shouldn't tell Ben all the things in my heart, I just shouldn't (not to mention the abject fear of wondering how he'd respond). Also, I think he's a little weak right now. He told me on his last day that he and his wife just found out that she's pregnant again, and he did *not* look happy when he said it. I wonder if that just might be the pressure of knowing that there will be another little mouth to feed. Of course, I have no idea.

 

I'm a little concerned because I've gone into great detail about "Ben", and though that's not his real name, I think that anyone who knows him would recognize him from the details. I'm a little afraid that someone who knows him might see this and bring it to his attention, or his wife's (and, though I'm sincere in my desire to leave him alone, to *not* be a home-wrecker, there's a small, wicked part of me that actually hopes that happens).

 

Solemate, your reply was lovely, but it made me feel...well, you implied that Ben has the same feelings for me that I have for him, and I have no idea if that's true...I'll never know...and that, of course, will always allow me to imagine that he did, or might have... And Skittles, I also keep telling myself something similar to what you said...somewhere there's a guy who will inspire the same feelings in me that Ben did...and he'll be single! I just have to be patient, keep hoping, have faith. The danger, the trap, is to think that he was "the one" (and oh, that's a hard one to keep out of).

 

I have decided to give myself two more weeks of thinking about Ben as much as I need to, want to, to obsess, wallow, read the few emails I received from him, read stories about him, look at pictures of him I found online. After that, I'll start exerting a little mental discipline. I also have felt this wild, insistent energy to...do something, just do something, to put some ending punctuation on this whole thing. Of course, that energy wants to find its outlet in writing a letter to Ben, but I can't let myself do that. Then, I thought about getting a tattoo that would symbolize Ben to me, and I would have it always, but that seemed a bit extreme. Instead, I've decided to take the money I would have spent on a tattoo and give it to the charity in India which Ben supported. I looked on their web site, and for a large donation they send you a lovely necklace, a charm on a silk cord, so that will be my memento of him.

 

OK, I am *really* running late now. So, thank you all. I'm glad I found this place, and I'm sure I'll be coming back.

[moimeme]

Actually, what I'm about to say is partly cynical but not entirely. Thank your lucky stars for this situation. Feeling love for someone is delicious. It's good for you! I have, once or twice, allowed myself to get heavily into a crush on someone for exactly that reason. Bonus is that there is no reality to mess up the fantasy No, but really, it's true that you have no idea what it's like to live with this guy - that may have totally killed your feelings. This way you have a terrific dreamy feeling to remember. Yes, it was bittersweet because he was never yours, but your image of him is unsullied and you can treasure it forever.

 

Think of the relationships on this site. So many start out with exactly the sorts of feelings you have. In fact, you are still in what the relationship researchers say is the very early part of the relationship (less than 6 months), where the feelings would normally be the strongest. Were you in a real relationship, in another few months, the glow would be starting to fade and you'd start to see characteristics, habits, etc. that might bug you or be off-putting. You might even discover lots of things you dislike and fall completely out of love with him.

 

This way, nothing is sullied or destroyed. You have exercised your ability to care deeply, have delighted in all the thrills of being with somebody who thrills you, and you're even motivated to give to his charity.

 

You said that you believe in things spiritual. I believe people are put in our lives for many reasons. Some teach us lessons or give us gifts of appreciation or love or joy; but we can also be gifts to others. You have helped him get out of the taxi business and into his field; you gave him a much-needed leg up in the world - a break he might not otherwise have gotten for ages. He'll always be grateful for that and you can be happy in knowing you made a valuable contribution to his life. You have each served a purpose in each other's life and can move on to the future happy with what you have gained.

[FreeMe]

I can understand why my post might have had the opposite effect, but imagine him telling you he did NOT feel the same way and thinks you're sweet and all but Sorry - I'm crazy about my Wife. Then instead of having good feelings you would feel humiliated and patronized. I know you realized that after reading my post again, but I'm just reinforcing it!

 

You're doing the right thing by allowing yourself a time limit to indulge yourself thinking about him and then doing something for closure.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

It's me, Unlucky63!

 

Hi all, I just registered here as a user. Quixotic Dancer is my username on a few other sites, including Livejournal--don't know if anyone here uses that site. I signed up a few months ago, but I have yet to use it--not sure why.

 

"Quixotic" is one of my favorite words. According to Merriam-Webster, it means "foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals; especially : marked by rash lofty romantic ideas or extravagantly chivalrous action." I think that fits me. Plus, I love to dance, and I like the pun of the two words together. However, this is not to imply that I ever was or intend to be a stripper (nothing against strippers, however). I also use this username on a dating site, which may explain why I seem to attract the wrong type of guy there!

 

In a brief follow-up, I just made the donation to the charity I mentioned above. In a possibly stupid move, and one that goes against all the promises I've been making above, at least in spirit, I added the following in the Comments section of the online order form: "This donation is in honor of (Ben's real name), a beautiful human being and an inspiration." I know it's unlikely that whoever processes that order will actually know Ben (though he's thanked by name on one page of the site), and even if he or she does, that word will get back to Ben. Still, it was an unnecessary slip--I guess I just couldn't keep myself fully in line.

 

I was tempted to add a link to the site for others to read about the charity and possibly donate, but I now know that violates the rules of posting here (perfectly understandable), so I won't.

 

This is not a nonsequitur, though it may seem like one...I saw Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King last night with my housemates. I know that Ben knows Tolkien's works backwards and forwards, so he was so vividly in my mind last night (as if he's ever out of it).

 

I hope I haven't overstayed my welcome, at least on this thread. Thanks again, everyone.

[moimeme]

I was tempted to add a link to the site for others to read about the charity and possibly donate, but I now know that violates the rules of posting here (perfectly understandable), so I won't.

 

Didn't you also say that there are photos and information about this guy on that site? If so, then really it would be a very bad idea.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

The photos and info. aren't on that particular site, just an acknowledgement by name, as in "We'd like to thank the following people for their help:", but its still probably not a good idea nonetheless.

[AllyKat]

He is married. He was foreth coming with that information.

 

Men and women can care for one another and not be "in love" with that other person.

 

Bottom line, you shouldnt even go any farther, he is married.

[Quixotic_Dancer]

Originally posted by AllyKat

Bottom line, you shouldnt even go any farther, he is married.

 

Sorry, this may be unnecesary...but to be honest, that comment stung a little. I thought I'd made it clear in the thread that I wasn't going to contact this man in any way, and I haven't. If, and that's a big if, he somehow finds out that I mentioned him when I made my donation...well, that's still hardly a confession on my part.

 

Just needed to get that off my chest.