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Has My A Made Me Unable to Have Normal Relationships/Meet Normal Men Moving Forward?


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Old 25th September 2011, 2:33 AM   #1
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Has My A Made Me Unable to Have Normal Relationships/Meet Normal Men Moving Forward?

I mentioned that I had a new thing cooking post-A with a 42-YO man I met at the beach this summer. We really hit it off, great chemistry, a lot in common, and, well, eventually really great sex. It got to the point where our other roommates in the house really started seeing us as the adorable couple because of how cozy we were and affectionate we were.

B. brought up that he loved me first and I will admit, I was starting to feel it. He told me he wanted to be exclusive, not see anyone else, really wanted to see where this went. Labor Day weekend he asked "if I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?" And i said, "the way I feel right now, I probably would" and I really felt it. He said, "Good, because you always want to be sure of the yes!" So it's going great.

The following weekend, we were supposed to get together but he had workmen disaster and the day got away from him and we made plans for Sunday. I never heard from him and haven't talked to him since. I did send him a text that said, "?" Nothing else. Tomorrow will be two weeks of radio silence. I can see that he's been on facebook - I can see when we are both online.

Don't really know what's going on. I'm frustrated.

The big issue is that he asked me to go to a wedding with him next Saturday and I don't know if I am going anymore. Do I buy shoes to go with the dress I ordered (I haven't even tried it on to see how it fits because I don't feel like making the effort right now)? I don't know if he's all busy and overwhelmed from the project at his house which I knew was going to be a priority all month (and his dad was not well). I also don't know if maybe he's cooled off on me and just doesn't have the balls to tell me.

I also would not be surprised if he called me this week to finalize our plans. But I'm kinda annoyed right now and I feel like I have a right to be.

But I also wonder if I do? Is this normal behavior in dating world where you don't sneak around? Am I so used to getting crumbs that now that I shouldn't be I'm hypersensitive about getting them because I am? Or is this just normal? I don't know.

And in another thread, someone suggested that perhaps we choose As and bad relationships because we are in fact emotional unavailable... I don't know. I feel available and I feel I want a real relationship.

Any insight?
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Old 25th September 2011, 2:43 AM   #2
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A sudden change is weird, no matter what kind of relationship is. It doesn't sound like you'd had two weeks of silence before now, so, for things to be going the way they were, then suddenly he doesn't say anything for two weeks...??? Something is not right with that.
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Old 25th September 2011, 2:49 AM   #3
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Hello BD

Just ask him?

Gg
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Old 25th September 2011, 3:22 AM   #4
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I second everything LadyGrey said. How much time was there inbetween this relationship and your last one. You only met him this summer yet you both are already declaring love and talking marriage. Sounds like maybe you go for the guys that come on way too fast and way to strong. Are you looking to be swept off your feet? Perhaps you should just slow down and take a break from relationships for a while. People who fall in love with one person after another, are not experiencing real love IMHO, it's just escaping into romantic fantasy. I don't think he really loves you and I kind of don't think you really love him. I mean you barely even know each other.

And stop making excuses for him by blaming the situation on him being really busy or you being hyper sensitive. He's had time to be on facebook but he doesn't have time to call you? That's bull****. No it's not normal for someone to say they love you and hint that they want to get married to you and then just disappear for two weeks. That is totally unacceptable.
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Old 25th September 2011, 4:53 AM   #5
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When things are going really well its really easy to get lost in the romantic fantasy, so we don't see the reality of whats really going on...especially in this situation, we believe that the fact they are being persisitant and intense, that they really like us, when unfortunatly it is part of the game!

The way he is behaving isn't normal - his behaviour has changed and you deserve to know why - so i would ask him

Yesterday i had to ask my guy as to why hes gone from texting every 5 minutes, to texting me every 2 days - that for me wasn't normal for us, now he told me he WAS leaving his relationship,and him being a close friend before all this started i believed him, so obviously i wanted to know, he told me he needed time, and after thinking about it all night - thats his way of saying nah i ain't doing it and i'm distancing myself from you!

Its really hard i know, but you need to know what hes playing at x
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Old 25th September 2011, 6:21 AM   #6
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I don't understand how people can do the disappearing act. I would think if someone means that much to you, you'd at least have the courtesy and honesty to talk to them about whatever is on your mind. If you need a little space, or some time to think things over, if you feel overwhelmed or like things are going to fast, whatever... you just say that, right?

I just don't get these guys changing the game and not having the balls to talk to about it. Why don't they get it would be much less hurtful to have an honest discussion rather than simply leaving you to wonder?
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Old 25th September 2011, 11:52 AM   #7
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Thanks for the good answers and it's everything that in my gut I know. I'm just thinking that my gut is somehow off because I really didn't have a normal relationship for my last relationship, you know? Like my compass is just off...

Ugh. And you're right, it is not normal behavior and he is a douchebag. I'm not planning to go to this wedding with him anymore. If he contacts me about it, I'll have to decide if I actually do. But I'm not putting any effort into getting ready for it.
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Old 25th September 2011, 3:15 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by browndog319 View Post
Ugh. And you're right, it is not normal behavior and he is a douchebag. I'm not planning to go to this wedding with him anymore. If he contacts me about it, I'll have to decide if I actually do. But I'm not putting any effort into getting ready for it.
If you want to dress up, go to a wedding, have a nice meal, some drinks and dancing - go! Do it for you if it's something you would enjoy and have you would have a good time.

If it will bother you to go with him, be there with him, skip it.
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Old 25th September 2011, 3:35 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by alexandria35 View Post
I second everything LadyGrey said. How much time was there inbetween this relationship and your last one. You only met him this summer yet you both are already declaring love and talking marriage. Sounds like maybe you go for the guys that come on way too fast and way to strong. Are you looking to be swept off your feet? Perhaps you should just slow down and take a break from relationships for a while. People who fall in love with one person after another, are not experiencing real love IMHO, it's just escaping into romantic fantasy. I don't think he really loves you and I kind of don't think you really love him. I mean you barely even know each other.

And stop making excuses for him by blaming the situation on him being really busy or you being hyper sensitive. He's had time to be on facebook but he doesn't have time to call you? That's bull****. No it's not normal for someone to say they love you and hint that they want to get married to you and then just disappear for two weeks. That is totally unacceptable.
I agree!

I do not believe this situation mimics a normal, healthy pattern either browndog, I'm sorry to say. Affairs are just one type of dubious relationship scenario and often people who engage in As are also prone to other types of questionable relationship dealings.

How long have you known this man?

It sounds to me like a hot and heavy whirlwind with no substance behind it. Seems like you enjoy the feeling of someone being crazy about you and thus are easily swept up in romantic whirlwinds that can arise and disappear as quickly as they started. But in short: no this is not how normal relationships that aren't As proceed. You take time to learn about someone through dating and find out whether or not your actual values, life path etc are compatible enough for you to be in a relationship and invest in them, then after doing that, which does take time, you can then begin to discuss marriage. You introduce this person to friends and family and learn about them so that you can make a good decision....you don't meet on vacay, declare love and so forth and discuss marriage...I mean, it's just unrealistic.

It's no surprise to me that as quick as he can drop I love you's is as quick as he can disappear. I agree that you should probably take some time out for YOURSELF and not try to date...I think sometimes dating is a distraction from dealing with ourselves and it's counterproductive anyway, as if you don't work on yourself you'll only be able to attract situations like this, that mimic whatever brokenness you're experiencing.
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Old 25th September 2011, 3:40 PM   #10
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Uh? If she goes with this twit after he just dropped off of the face of the earth, she shows him that it's acceptable to do that to her. If you are talking about her going alone or with someone else, great, go for it.
Ditto...

She can dress up and go out somewhere else without him but going with him would send the absolute wrong message...
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Old 25th September 2011, 3:41 PM   #11
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I don't understand how people can do the disappearing act. I would think if someone means that much to you, you'd at least have the courtesy and honesty to talk to them about whatever is on your mind. If you need a little space, or some time to think things over, if you feel overwhelmed or like things are going to fast, whatever... you just say that, right?

I just don't get these guys changing the game and not having the balls to talk to about it. Why don't they get it would be much less hurtful to have an honest discussion rather than simply leaving you to wonder
?
I suppose it is the same as when someone is not in love with their spouse anymore and instead of having a discussion about it and coming to a solution they have secret As and leave the other person to wonder...
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Old 25th September 2011, 4:12 PM   #12
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Uh? If she goes with this twit after he just dropped off of the face of the earth, she shows him that it's acceptable to do that to her. If you are talking about her going alone or with someone else, great, go for it.
Or, if she goes with this twit, she shows him she is willing to use him for a ride and a fun night out. Nothing says she needs to talk to him after. A little taste of his own medicine.
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Old 25th September 2011, 4:16 PM   #13
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I suppose it is the same as when someone is not in love with their spouse anymore and instead of having a discussion about it and coming to a solution they have secret As and leave the other person to wonder...
Yes. Agreed. The lack of communication exhibited in the OP's situation would be exactly like a lack of communication in other situations.
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Old 25th September 2011, 4:23 PM   #14
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If he contacts me about it, I'll have to decide if I actually do.
SAY NO. And if he asks why not? All you have to say is, if you can't figure it out, you're more messed up than i thought you were.

Then, hang up the phone.

While you're at it, delete and block him on facebook. What's the point of having him on there?
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Old 25th September 2011, 7:40 PM   #15
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SAY NO. And if he asks why not? All you have to say is, if you can't figure it out, you're more messed up than i thought you were.

Then, hang up the phone.


While you're at it, delete and block him on facebook. What's the point of having him on there?
Cosign
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