Denial, Shock Absorber for the Soul

[mzdolphin]

I read that denial is the shock absorber for the soul, allowing you to survive until you are ready to deal with painful feelings.

 

I realized I had been in denial by allowing MM to stay in contact via email. I broke things off a while ago and because he lived in another state I felt no need to cut off all contact because I wasn't seeing him anyway. But more recently, his friendly emails about work (we share profession) turned into more and more laments of missing me and professions of love.

 

Sure enough, with that door left open, my thoughts started to wander too. So last night I sent an email demanding NC. He probably won't keep up his end, but that doesn't matter. I just need to keep up mine.

 

I'm writing this seeking support in my decision and to support others who may be in denial. Don't beat yourself up about it. Denial is part of life, the shock absorber for the soul. But when you are ready to absorb the pain. Feel it. Address it. Then let it go. Reach out for assistance and press on.

[skywriter]

Thank you, mzdolphin, your post has given me alot to think about.

 

I pray for you to be able to keep NC, if this is what you need ,to heal and move on.

 

I know that I need to keep NC. It is indeed a double edged sword.

 

I've accepted that the MM, used me as a diversion, for whatever was happening, with his marriage.

 

It definitly set me back, as far as feeling that I am worthy of a healthy relationship. LOL! Whatever that is!

[mzdolphin]

Thank you, mzdolphin, your post has given me alot to think about.

 

I pray for you to be able to keep NC, if this is what you need ,to heal and move on.

 

I know that I need to keep NC. It is indeed a double edged sword.

 

I've accepted that the MM, used me as a diversion, for whatever was happening, with his marriage.

 

It definitly set me back, as far as feeling that I am worthy of a healthy relationship. LOL! Whatever that is!

 

Thanks skywriter. You know, it doesn't really matter why the MM does what he does. It is about standing up for myself. It's about saying, I'm not getting what I want. Communicating with him gets me no closer to what I want. It just keeps me stuck in a way.

 

I'm taking the spotlight off him and putting it back on me. Just returned from an awesome game of tennis with some friends. Feeling strong. Told my sister I needed her support. She's got my back.

[skywriter]

You go, Mzdolphin! You sound as if you are loving yourself and

 

are ready to move on. That's great that you have your sister for support!

[fooled once]

Mz and sky - both of you are doing what is best for YOU and I offer you my support and any advice you need.

 

Mz, I am so proud of you for seeing his manipulation! You are right, you kept the door cracked and he kicked it in. If he truly cared about you, he would know/see how much you are hurting and would do whatever he could to help you - divorce to be with you, or stop communicating with you since he has chosen to not end his marriage. Good for you! You have taken control of your life!!!! You are choosing you! You are choosing better for you!! You GO!!! Yes there will be moments of utter sadness and despair, but you will survive and you will get thru this!! One day at a time.

 

Keep busy - friends,kids, hobbies, family. Get out - don't sit at home listening to sad love songs. Throw on some rock and roll and get up and dance. Exhaust yourself with physical activity so you go to bed too tired to let your mind wander to him.

 

Each day is a triumph ! Each day is a step to a stronger you and a healthier you!! Keep us updated on How you are - send a PM if you want more 1-1 interaction! Celebrate you and celebrate life!

[wannabdone]

You are spot on. If you need any support... I for one will be here for you. That is a huge step and a even bigger eye opener you have had. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

 

I have been in denial for a long time, 10 years of denial. It has not been until the last year that my eyes have started to open and see how my denial has robbed me of so many years. They are wide open now, and I have been NC for 17 days. Well in one minute 18 days.

 

I have hard days and good days.... I just keep coming here and posting. This site has been so great.

 

I'm very proud of you. Just remember, you might slip.... but we learn lessons when we fall. You are doing amazing, keep up the great work!!!

[mzdolphin]

Thanks so much for all the support. It really does help. Because as you know, the mind, memories are a powerful thing. Part of the denial was convincing myself because he and I had such a great professional relationship that it was ok to leave the door open.

 

Without going into details, we both work in media and have lots of mutual friends. We travel in the same circles, although he works for a media outlet in Pittsburgh. Wife works for media in Ohio. Their home is less than two hours from Pittsburgh, yet he informed me two weeks ago that he's looking for an apartment in Pittsburgh. That was another sign I saw that he was trying to manipulate me into thinking he was moving closer to divorce. Then last time he was in this area, he informed me he was getting a hotel 12 minutes from my house, although the game he was covering was an hour away. (Oh, he's a sports journalist. I used to be a sports journalist. His wife is a general assignment reporter. There aren't too many women who do sports. I allowed myself to think our unique connection, and both being from Florida, trumped whatever connections he had with her. I even started thinking "Why does she allow a husband she knows has cheated, to get his own apartment less than two hours from home." Then I realized, it doesn't matter. He's not divorced. Doesn't matter if he moved next door to me. He is still married. Meaning he is more concerned about his connection to her than the one he has with me. Painful, but truthful. Doesn't make me less desirable, another lie I told myself. Just means this situation, this guy is not right for me.

 

Woke up feeling good. Yep, thought about him. Saw his coverage online and on TV (difficult to ignore ex with public persona. Covers NFL. Too easy to access video, clips. etc.). But I've blocked email, erased phone number, working on not accessing his work, or hers. Yeah, I used to check for her byline to make sure she was working in Ohio when he was living in Virginia. Sad. What a waste of time.

[wannabdone]

I know.... Isn't that the biggest slap in the face when that happens????!!!!! I was in denial for so long.... that we were meant to be together. That "fate" and the "gods" had brought the two of us to find each other. That he was completely faithful to me....that she was crazy and would stop at nothing to keep him there, and on and on and on.

 

When I realized that HE CONTINUED TO STAY, and that is were HE wanted to be, and that she wasn't crazy (well, she is....but you know what i'm saying), HE was the crazy one. And she worked so hard to keep him....because he worked so hard at telling her and showing her his connection to her. All this time, he has worked at turning each of us agaisnt each other. Saying "I hate that you both seem like you are in a competition", all the while creating and feeding the compeition.

 

The sadder and crazier thing is even though through this..... I still miss him. Why?? I have no freaking clue. But I do.

 

Good luck to you. And keep positing. Want to see how you are doing.

[Spark1111]

Congrats on taking back your power and control!

 

Denial is a wonderful coping mechanism learned in childhood to weather the difficult, painful or confusing times at the hands of the adults who have power of us and our choices.

 

The problem with its use too often in adulthood, is we continue to either accept unacceptable behavior or to settle for less from a loved one.

 

Denial actually impedes intimacy as it excuses poor behavior and denies us the fulfillment of our own needs. It still succedes in getting us through painful times at the hands of others, but too much of it? Not healthy.

 

Keep getting stronger and focusing on you!

[MissBee]

I read that denial is the shock absorber for the soul, allowing you to survive until you are ready to deal with painful feelings.

 

I realized I had been in denial by allowing MM to stay in contact via email. I broke things off a while ago and because he lived in another state I felt no need to cut off all contact because I wasn't seeing him anyway. But more recently, his friendly emails about work (we share profession) turned into more and more laments of missing me and professions of love.

 

Sure enough, with that door left open, my thoughts started to wander too. So last night I sent an email demanding NC. He probably won't keep up his end, but that doesn't matter. I just need to keep up mine.

I'm writing this seeking support in my decision and to support others who may be in denial. Don't beat yourself up about it. Denial is part of life, the shock absorber for the soul. But when you are ready to absorb the pain. Feel it. Address it. Then let it go. Reach out for assistance and press on.

 

Beautiful post and soooo very true!

 

I wish you much luck and happiness on your journey

[mzdolphin]

Thanks Miss Bee. Still feeling good. Bought myself a journal to track NC.

[MissBee]

Thanks so much for all the support. It really does help. Because as you know, the mind, memories are a powerful thing. Part of the denial was convincing myself because he and I had such a great professional relationship that it was ok to leave the door open.

 

Without going into details, we both work in media and have lots of mutual friends. We travel in the same circles, although he works for a media outlet in Pittsburgh. Wife works for media in Ohio. Their home is less than two hours from Pittsburgh, yet he informed me two weeks ago that he's looking for an apartment in Pittsburgh. That was another sign I saw that he was trying to manipulate me into thinking he was moving closer to divorce. Then last time he was in this area, he informed me he was getting a hotel 12 minutes from my house, although the game he was covering was an hour away. (Oh, he's a sports journalist. I used to be a sports journalist. His wife is a general assignment reporter. There aren't too many women who do sports. I allowed myself to think our unique connection, and both being from Florida, trumped whatever connections he had with her. I even started thinking "Why does she allow a husband she knows has cheated, to get his own apartment less than two hours from home." Then I realized, it doesn't matter. He's not divorced. Doesn't matter if he moved next door to me. He is still married. Meaning he is more concerned about his connection to her than the one he has with me. Painful, but truthful. Doesn't make me less desirable, another lie I told myself. Just means this situation, this guy is not right for me.

 

Woke up feeling good. Yep, thought about him. Saw his coverage online and on TV (difficult to ignore ex with public persona. Covers NFL. Too easy to access video, clips. etc.). But I've blocked email, erased phone number, working on not accessing his work, or hers. Yeah, I used to check for her byline to make sure she was working in Ohio when he was living in Virginia. Sad. What a waste of time.

 

Such great insight! Oh so very true and I can so relate. I especially love the underlined aspect. I have been the person, and have seen women get on LS, to explain some long drawn out story, believing that more details will somehow make everyone [including them] see how unique their situation is and why it is worth the trouble....but really, most of the time, the longer the story, the more the denial and pretty much every story can be deconstructed to a core take-away point. As you've said: it didn't matter the 1 billion and 1 things you thought you had in common, what he said, how his wife was, where he was trying to move to, how his wife puts up with him and whatever other extra detail....the core take away reality is that he is married, he is staying married.as far as we can see, and has chosen that arrangement because it is the choice he can live with and the choice to be with you is not. If someone is not choosing to be with you, it shouldn't matter why, they're just not, and that's fine, they aren't the one for you and when you release them to their path you free up space in your life for that person who can and will choose you fully. I [and many other women on LS and IRL] get too caught up in trying to figure out why this person isn't choosing us, making excuses for why they can't do whatever it is, trying to be more or less of something so we will become the choice, compare ourselves to some other person who is this person's choice and drive ourselves crazy....when we need to accept that we won't be everyone's choice, and yes even when we'd like to be or it seems to make sense, sometimes they won't choose us and that's fine as at some point you'll find a situation where the choosing is mutual and equal and completely satisfying.

 

I thank all the men who didn't choose me, as through the passing of time and my own growth, often times I don't even remember why I was so crazy over them, as I have evolved so much and the me of today isn't the same as the me who liked them, or I am at a different place in which, while they are fine people, I envision so much more for myself and who I am and who they are is just not a good fit...

Edited September 3, 2011 by MissBee

[wannabdone]

Well put MissB. You are right. We try to let everyone know why we thought this was worth putting up with, I think in order to not let people think we were such dumb asses in the past. Fact is, we loved them, thats why we did it.

And we try to figure out the why after, because I think we are trying to figure out any reason to make us feel better, and not feel used and thrown away. Its sometimes too hard at first to just say "he didn't want me". But the fact is, he didn't or coudn't..... either way.... we are not with them.

 

When you can just say "he didn't want to be with me" and leave it at that, is the real day healing starts to be begin. As with any addiction you are getting over acceptance is the first key to survivial.

 

Keep up the good work MZ, I know its tough. I know how you feel.... We will get through this.

 

How have you done this weekend????

[mzdolphin]

I thank all the men who didn't choose me, as through the passing of time and my own growth, often times I don't even remember why I was so crazy over them, as I have evolved so much and the me of today isn't the same as the me who liked them, or I am at a different place in which, while they are fine people, I envision so much more for myself and who I am and who they are is just not a good fit...

 

 

Wow this is so true. I remember losing my mind, crying over a guy in my twenties. Fast forward, we ran into each other at a networking event. He remembered me and I didn't even recognize him until he said his name. I couldn't stop laughing later. I was crazy about him. He hadn't changed that much, I just wasn't interested at all. I think I had grown that much.

[mzdolphin]

Well put MissB. You are right. We try to let everyone know why we thought this was worth putting up with, I think in order to not let people think we were such dumb asses in the past. Fact is, we loved them, thats why we did it.

And we try to figure out the why after, because I think we are trying to figure out any reason to make us feel better, and not feel used and thrown away. Its sometimes too hard at first to just say "he didn't want me". But the fact is, he didn't or coudn't..... either way.... we are not with them.

 

When you can just say "he didn't want to be with me" and leave it at that, is the real day healing starts to be begin. As with any addiction you are getting over acceptance is the first key to survivial.

 

Keep up the good work MZ, I know its tough. I know how you feel.... We will get through this.

 

How have you done this weekend????

 

Having a very good weekend. Spending lots of time with my son and watching lots of tennis. I love tennis. Yes, I've thought about him, but not with remorse, just relief. I'm sure I will have some bad days, but until they happen I'm going to enjoy these good ones.

[MissBee]

Wow this is so true. I remember losing my mind, crying over a guy in my twenties. Fast forward, we ran into each other at a networking event. He remembered me and I didn't even recognize him until he said his name. I couldn't stop laughing later. I was crazy about him. He hadn't changed that much, I just wasn't interested at all. I think I had grown that much.

 

 

I looove those moments! It really helps to put stuff in perspective in the now, that probably your heartbreak of today and "the love of your life" now, may be someone you could care less about in a year or few. I'm learning to appreciate that very real possibility and take disappointments in love, in stride and be open to what the future holds, versus hanging on to someone for dear life and prolonging the drama, for something that may just have run its course.

[wannabdone]

Having a very good weekend. Spending lots of time with my son and watching lots of tennis. I love tennis. Yes, I've thought about him, but not with remorse, just relief. I'm sure I will have some bad days, but until they happen I'm going to enjoy these good ones.

 

 

MZ.... so glad to hear it. You have a son?? So do I. I'm glad you are putting your energy into yourself and him. So many times I have found that I missed some times I could have had with mine, because of MM.

I am right there with you , sister. I do think of him often, but my days are going okay. Broke down yesterday morning in tears, dont know why. But, I am not having remorse of NC. Just remorse of so much time wasted.

 

I'm so very proud of you. Please keep me updated. Funny, I do think about certain people I have met through this forum and wonder how you guys are doing, and pray for your strength. You are one of those ppl.

 

Hugs to you and your son. Enjoy your labor day!!!

[fooled once]

Sorry to thread jack a second .....

 

I also have a son.... And they are just the best!!!

[mzdolphin]

Sorry to thread jack a second .....

 

I also have a son.... And they are just the best!!!

 

 

Yes. My son is in high school and he of course hates the exMM, who was buying him gifts and everything when he was pretending to be divorced. He took my son on golf outings, invited him along to events.

 

Because I had to bring our relationship to an abrupt end when I found out he was married, I decided to inform my son as to way he would not be around anymore.

 

Bob (fake name) will not be around anymore. He lied to me about being divorced. He is not. Mom doesn't date married men. I'm glad I shared that with him instead of him wondering what happened.

[wannabdone]

Sorry to thread jack a second .....

 

I also have a son.... And they are just the best!!!

 

 

FO.... You are too funny. How is thread jacking to let everyone know about you when a opportunity arises. I like knowing how much in common I have with everyone else.

 

and MZ.... You sound like a great mom. I think with out TMI, its good to share what we can with our kids. I grew up the other way, my mom never told me anything, and it was an awful feeling.

 

Again, super proud of your progress!!