half_ofa_heart Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Temptations of the Single Girl The Ten Dating Traps you must avoid This is a book I'm reading by Nina Atwood. It's the best darn book and I only wish I could've found it 2 years ago hell 20 years ago!! It's a self help book but written in the form of a fictional story of girl who is seems to always pick the wrong guys. I started reading it an hour ago and have already read 5 chapters... it's wonderful! 3 of those chapters are regarding the feelings of dating a married man and breaks them down and puts them into perspective. It even has a mantra to be memorized and spoken every day to make you understand you're self worth. I only stopped reading this to come here and post about it. I presume I'll be up the rest of the night reading just to get to the end. For all you OW out there lost and confused regarding your current relationship... run out and get this book. it so easy to read yet so helpful - IMO Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Thanks for sharing, I'll check it out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author half_ofa_heart Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 I cannot emphasize enough how helpful this book is! More than halfway through and I want to go buy a case of these books and hand them out to all my single friends and my daughter!!! It is soooo enlightening breaking down each and every poor choice in your past and how to break that chain to avoid another dead end relationship. Empowering is an understatement!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I cannot emphasize enough how helpful this book is! More than halfway through and I want to go buy a case of these books and hand them out to all my single friends and my daughter!!! It is soooo enlightening breaking down each and every poor choice in your past and how to break that chain to avoid another dead end relationship. Empowering is an understatement!!! I do not want you to get into trouble, but can you relay some key points here? I have many single friends and I see them spinning their wheels often, so I like to share good info when I can so they actually buy the book or check out the web site. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I cannot emphasize enough how helpful this book is! More than halfway through and I want to go buy a case of these books and hand them out to all my single friends and my daughter!!! It is soooo enlightening breaking down each and every poor choice in your past and how to break that chain to avoid another dead end relationship. Empowering is an understatement!!! Yea I read the first 26 pages in the preview and I want to purchase it as well. That's how I feel about just the entire movement to be more conscious and for women especially to just actually open their minds to understanding love in a different way and most importantly, understanding themselves and how they get into the situations they get into and undoing all the hot messes and getting the life and relationship they want. It makes me very excited and I want to scream it on a rooftop or run around the streets yelling and shaking women Link to post Share on other sites
Author half_ofa_heart Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 Yea I read the first 26 pages in the preview and I want to purchase it as well. That's how I feel about just the entire movement to be more conscious and for women especially to just actually open their minds to understanding love in a different way and most importantly, understanding themselves and how they get into the situations they get into and undoing all the hot messes and getting the life and relationship they want. It makes me very excited and I want to scream it on a rooftop or run around the streets yelling and shaking women I hear you Miss Bee!!! I totally got that from most of your threads. This book is intoxicating to me on sooooo many different levels. Opening up doors and windows in my life and choices that I never knew existed. It's quite liberating! Can't wait for you to read the whole thing and come back and tell me what you think. I've already given it to a friend that is in serious need of a reality check as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author half_ofa_heart Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 I do not want you to get into trouble, but can you relay some key points here? I have many single friends and I see them spinning their wheels often, so I like to share good info when I can so they actually buy the book or check out the web site. No problem Spark... The name of the book is Temptations of the Single Girl The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid Let me just give you the names of each chapter; that alone should tell you all that it entails: 1 - Denying your true desires 2 - loving a wounded guy 3 - Dating without integrity 4 - Choosing High-Risk Relationships 5 - Settling for Less 6 - Aimin for the Fairy Tale 7 - Getting Sexual Too Soon 8 - Rushing into Relationships 9 - Taking the Lead 10 - Sacrificing Authenticity Beyond the Temptations: Creating Real Love I cannot say this enough... this book is WONDERFUL and every girl should read it. Please check it out. Link to post Share on other sites
20Seconds Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 No problem Spark... The name of the book is Temptations of the Single Girl The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid Let me just give you the names of each chapter; that alone should tell you all that it entails: 1 - Denying your true desires 2 - loving a wounded guy 3 - Dating without integrity 4 - Choosing High-Risk Relationships 5 - Settling for Less 6 - Aimin for the Fairy Tale 7 - Getting Sexual Too Soon 8 - Rushing into Relationships 9 - Taking the Lead 10 - Sacrificing Authenticity Beyond the Temptations: Creating Real Love I cannot say this enough... this book is WONDERFUL and every girl should read it. Please check it out. This sounds good What kind of things did you feel the book helped you with in particular? When I'm having a difficult moment I always check out the Baggage Reclaim website. It sounds as though this book runs along some of the same themes. That website has really made me work through some of the issues I have... - Trying to prove you are the exception to the rule - What choosing an unavailable man says about your availability for a real relationship - Seeking drama in relationships - Being a "Florence Nightingale" and getting some kind of validation from being a "rescuer" - The pointlessness of chasing someone for commitment or to be accountable for their actions when they don;t want to be caught I could go on! Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 When I'm having a difficult moment I always check out the Baggage Reclaim website. It sounds as though this book runs along some of the same themes. That website has really made me work through some of the issues I have... - Trying to prove you are the exception to the rule - What choosing an unavailable man says about your availability for a real relationship - Seeking drama in relationships - Being a "Florence Nightingale" and getting some kind of validation from being a "rescuer" - The pointlessness of chasing someone for commitment or to be accountable for their actions when they don;t want to be caught I could go on! Sounds like a terrific site. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 This sounds good What kind of things did you feel the book helped you with in particular? When I'm having a difficult moment I always check out the Baggage Reclaim website. It sounds as though this book runs along some of the same themes. That website has really made me work through some of the issues I have... - Trying to prove you are the exception to the rule - What choosing an unavailable man says about your availability for a real relationship - Seeking drama in relationships - Being a "Florence Nightingale" and getting some kind of validation from being a "rescuer" - The pointlessness of chasing someone for commitment or to be accountable for their actions when they don;t want to be caught I could go on! It is a great site! Very empowering and I have reccommended it often! A few have told me that they are too busy, with singles groups, dating sites (Ugh! Still chasing the illusory "One") to have much time to read. Link to post Share on other sites
Noregret Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 TOTALLY RECOMMEND IT!! I stayed up last night and read all of it!! For people with PC/Smartphone - u can download the Amazon Kindle app for PC or smartphone (free) and purchase the ebook from Amazon for $10!! Check it out at amazon.com Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 A few have told me that they are too busy, with singles groups, dating sites (Ugh! Still chasing the illusory "One") to have much time to read. Too bad for them. Reading saved me. I know many people believe that therapy is the holy grail, but reading has been just as effective -- if not more effective -- in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
20Seconds Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Too bad for them. Reading saved me. I know many people believe that therapy is the holy grail, but reading has been just as effective -- if not more effective -- in my experience. The one thing these books and websites - including LS do is force you to hold a mirror up to yourself and question why you behave in the way you do in relationships, and if your life is in a mess in this regard, starting to take responsibility for your part to play in creating the mess. It is very easy - and I know single women who do this, to lay all the blame on the men they are involved with when things turn out badly. Far easier to keep on keeping on in the same old way - filing the last disastrous relationship in the "well he was obviously screwed up / had ishoos/ was a player" etc box because someone treated them badly instead of taking the time to understand how they ever got with that person in the first place....then carrying on looking for the same thing in the same places and wondering why the hell they can;t find a "decent man". It would be easy for me to lay blame on ex-MM for reeling me in with his "feel sorry for me" line but the truth is, I have to recognize that needing to be needed and to rescue men from unhappy situations, and to feel priveledged for being let in to share their "inner turmoil" is a huge hook for me. I have finally started to understand what it does for ME that makes me attracted in the first place, and recognizing that this kind of relationship is unhealthy for me, means I can take action to avoid making the same mistakes over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author half_ofa_heart Posted June 18, 2011 Author Share Posted June 18, 2011 It is very easy - and I know single women who do this, to lay all the blame on the men they are involved with when things turn out badly. QUOTE] Or go the complete opposite and keep blaming yourself for every bad relationship by then killing your self esteem which is what I have done and continue to do. I am the enabler! I think I can fix every wounded guy and in turn earn his love and devotion then by which building my self esteem. Such a vicious circle. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Too bad for them. Reading saved me. I know many people believe that therapy is the holy grail, but reading has been just as effective -- if not more effective -- in my experience. BT, is there anything about therapy you didn't like/appreciate? I have a friend I think could REALLY use it but she's totally unswerving in her decision. As I come across people who are negative/ambivalent about it I'm trying to understand their reasoning (to be honest probably to enable me to counter my friend's arguments, so a little sly of me I guess). Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 BT, is there anything about therapy you didn't like/appreciate? I have a friend I think could REALLY use it but she's totally unswerving in her decision. As I come across people who are negative/ambivalent about it I'm trying to understand their reasoning (to be honest probably to enable me to counter my friend's arguments, so a little sly of me I guess). You have to want to change, Silly, and lots of people aren't interested in that. I have a friend like that, too, and I respect her choice. I can understand others' ambivalence toward therapy, too. I grew up in a very abusive home. In my twenties, I became a therapy devotee because I was hurting and didn't know what to do with it. I kept putting my dime in the therapy machine and got nothing in return. So I tried different therapists and still ended up feeling the same. I finally realized it was because the therapists wanted me to discuss my feelings and discuss/blame my childhood, my parents, blah, blah, blah. Perhaps I wanted that, too, because I continued to pay for it. I eventually saw that we were approaching things from the wrong angle. I wanted a real solution, and I quickly found one (so I think a lot of it has to do with our intention). .... I began a form of cognitive therapy. Huge shifts occurred. I had to change my approach from blaming to forgiving, though. The blaming kept me stuck, and my therapists were innocently supporting me in that by having me replay my childhood over & over again. I needed a good kick in the arse, instead. Forgiveness therapy helped me grow up. Of course, you can't forgive until you're ready to. I can scream at a flower to bloom all I want, but it won't bloom until it's supposed to. I now believe it's the form of therapy that matters. In my experience, cognitive therapy -- i.e., questioning your beliefs & thoughts -- is what worked. It required daily inquiry of my thinking, so I had to be a full participant. I couldn't passively sit in a therapist's office and wait for them to wave a magic wand. I also have found breathwork to be transformative. Don't ask me how! It just does. I have a friend who believes that a few breathwork sessions are the equivalent of 5 or 10 years of therapy, and she can't explain it either. The healing goes beyond our thinking mind. There's a lot we don't know that we don't know ... you know? I'm sure other people have found different modalities worked for them, too. Hope this helps, Silly! Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 It is very easy - and I know single women who do this, to lay all the blame on the men they are involved with when things turn out badly. QUOTE] Or go the complete opposite and keep blaming yourself for every bad relationship by then killing your self esteem which is what I have done and continue to do. I am the enabler! I think I can fix every wounded guy and in turn earn his love and devotion then by which building my self esteem. Such a vicious circle. Ah, yes! Codependency! The problem with being unconsciously codependent is that we attract narcissistic people. But we can just as easily flip over to narcissism ourselves because it's all part of the same continuum. I'm overly fond of calling my MM a narcissist here (lol) but I'm seeing that we're all narcissistic and codependent to varying degrees. The role playing just gets amplified in some affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 This sounds good What kind of things did you feel the book helped you with in particular? When I'm having a difficult moment I always check out the Baggage Reclaim website. It sounds as though this book runs along some of the same themes. That website has really made me work through some of the issues I have... - Trying to prove you are the exception to the rule - What choosing an unavailable man says about your availability for a real relationship - Seeking drama in relationships - Being a "Florence Nightingale" and getting some kind of validation from being a "rescuer" - The pointlessness of chasing someone for commitment or to be accountable for their actions when they don;t want to be caught I could go on! Adore that site. I'm ALWAYS recommending it to people here and in real life. It was one of the many tools that stopped me in my tracks and alerted me to the fact that I had some issues I needed to resolve and some poor relationship habits that I lived with for a while and thought were normal. Love, love, love it! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 The one thing these books and websites - including LS do is force you to hold a mirror up to yourself and question why you behave in the way you do in relationships, and if your life is in a mess in this regard, starting to take responsibility for your part to play in creating the mess. It is very easy - and I know single women who do this, to lay all the blame on the men they are involved with when things turn out badly. Far easier to keep on keeping on in the same old way - filing the last disastrous relationship in the "well he was obviously screwed up / had ishoos/ was a player" etc box because someone treated them badly instead of taking the time to understand how they ever got with that person in the first place....then carrying on looking for the same thing in the same places and wondering why the hell they can;t find a "decent man". It would be easy for me to lay blame on ex-MM for reeling me in with his "feel sorry for me" line but the truth is, I have to recognize that needing to be needed and to rescue men from unhappy situations, and to feel priveledged for being let in to share their "inner turmoil" is a huge hook for me. I have finally started to understand what it does for ME that makes me attracted in the first place, and recognizing that this kind of relationship is unhealthy for me, means I can take action to avoid making the same mistakes over and over. Took the words out of my mouth! It's so hard for many women to understand that and I too was like that. I shone the flashlight on to the men I dated and never stopped to consider that the people I chose to be with and scenarios I chose to be in (although at the time I believed I "just ended up in them" ) were in fact a reflection of my inner reality and my own issues. Once I turned the flashlight on to myself, I grew in leaps and bounds and actually get over men easier because I no longer hold them accountable for all my feelings and what happened but feel empowered to know that okay, I am doing something wrong or something I'm doing doesn't make sense and I need to go deeper and find what it is and work through it. I see so many women stuck in that cycle of blame, with the proverbial beam poking out of their eyes and knocking everything down, yet they are oblivious to it and blame other people for the damage caused by the beam or want to point out the speck or beam in the man not seeing and feeling the one in their own eye! It is really futile to live in that type of ignorance as after breakups you don't learn anything new, as YOU are the common denominator in all your relationships and if YOU haven't evolved, you best believe your relationships won't evolve either, no matter who you date.It'll just be a scenario of same script, different cast. Link to post Share on other sites
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